Blogging about foster care
Blogging about foster care can be somewhat difficult. Because I am a foster parent, I am bound by the laws of confidentiality. Specifically, I have been told that I can’t discuss the kid’s cases with anyone not involved.
Now, it is somewhat a gray area in this blog. Obviously I am writing about real children here. I am writing about a real four year old little boy. But I am not writing about a four year old boy named “Bubba” who lives in Cubs country and looks like that cartoon at the top of the page. There is no little girl named Snowbaby who walks around in a snowsuit all day. I feel like I can talk on this blog because I try very hard to keep anything that would identify who these children are or who their parents are off line.
I don’t talk a lot about what happens in meetings, or how Mom missed phone calls or visits, or what was said in court. I try to stick with the basics…”The kids are staying in care.” I realize that this makes the blog somewhat less interesting. Trust me, these cases are like soap operas. If I told you all the details of the cases, this blog would be much more popular because of the compelling stories involved.
But I don’t write about that because it is not my story. It is the kid’s story. If I told you that the mom murdered two kids and punched the judge in court and tried to spit on me, you would make judgements and post things like “That mom sucks! You are much better mom than she is! That mom is trash!” I see these types of comments on some foster care blogs where the foster parents are obviously angry about the birth parents. Now, you might think that the birth mom sucks. And maybe I do too. But I am not going to write badly about my kid’s birth moms online. And by badly, I mean I’m not going to list all the reasons the kids are in care. I’m not going to talk about her shortcomings and the things that she has failed to do.
I respect these children and their right to grow up and form their own opinions. I wouldn’t want my children growing up and reading this blog and seeing how I told the world that their mom doesn’t give a damn about them. Because really, how do I know how she feels? Sure, I can be judgemental (and I’m not going to pretend that I’m not) but that needs to exist in my own head. Never to the kids and certainly not to the entire internet.
I have two main reasons for blogging. The first is that I want to show what it is like to be a foster parent. I want to show that you don’t have to be perfect. You don’t have to be a superwoman, you don’t have to have a perfect past. You can be completely unperfect like me and still make a difference. More importantly, I want to shed light on these kids. Each time I get a comment saying how wonderful one of my kids is, I smile, because that is what I’m trying to do here. I want people to love Bug and Callie and Elle and Meredith and Snowbaby and Bubba and think, “Hey, I could do that. I would take Snowbaby home right now!”
Because there are so many Bugs and Callies and Elles and Merediths and Snowbabies and Bubbas out there that need someone. They need someone badly. And if you can love my kids, then maybe you will go find another foster kid to love.
That all being said..today I am going to break one of my own rules and talk for a second about a case.
The Adoption and Safe Families Act states that a petition to terminate parental rights must be filed when a child has been in foster care 15 out of the 22 most recent months unless the child is being cared for by a relative, there exists a compelling reason why TPR would not be in the child’s best interest, or the family has not been provided services.
Although this is federal law, not all judges abide by it strictly. In my area, parents are told from the first meeting of this requirement and the judge appears to be fairly consistent in following the law the way it is written. Of course, these things take time. A TPR petition is usually not filed exactly at fifteen months, it depends on court dates, then a trial date has to be set and summons have to be issued and it can be quite a process.
But the fifteen month mark is a fairly good indicator of how the case is going to go. If a case gets to fifteen months without substantial progress from the parents, the case shifts to DFS having to show a compelling reason as to why rights should not be terminated.
Today marks fifteen months that Bubba and Snowbaby have been in foster care.
May 8th, 2008 at 10:34 am
I lit a candle for you and your family this morning. I am hoping that good Karma comes your way:-)
May 8th, 2008 at 10:50 am
I respect how respectful you are and have been about your kids and I try to be like that when it comes to mine - and I know what you mean about if you can love these kids…
I am sending the most positive wishes and hopes I can to you and yours.
May 8th, 2008 at 11:08 am
Yeah, the reasons my son is my son are probably fairly interesting to a lot of people and would offer a lot of good blog fodder. But it’s his story. And their story. And they shouldn’t be judged by their worst acts by the internet.
I admire the way you have handled this. I hope today is a turning point.
May 8th, 2008 at 11:36 am
Baggage~ you are an awesome parent. You love your kids. It doesn’t matter if they are with you a month (or 15) you are their mommy. Your capacity for love & understanding overwhelms me. I hope that they go for the TPR, you need some sort of resolution.
May 8th, 2008 at 11:45 am
Ms. Baggage,
I hope this is a sign of the wonderful things to come. I hope that these two babies are open for adoption and that they become part of your and Geo’s forever family.
I hope you get some rest soon.
k
May 8th, 2008 at 12:23 pm
A major milestone. I have always respected your ability to not discuss the parental details. I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you and for them.
May 8th, 2008 at 12:51 pm
I have been searching for a blog from the perspective of a foster family and found yours. We are having our home study done tomorrow. We are very excited but hope to learn more about others’ experiences in an effort to prepare ourselves…I appreciated this post. I blog and I am still trying to decide if I will say anything about having foster kids. Talking about the preparations is one thing, but I hope (if I decide to blog about it!) that I can use people like you as models of how to be respectful and responsible. Thanks! Looking forward to reading more…
May 8th, 2008 at 1:01 pm
Wow, 15 months! I remember when you met the kids, and it seems like just a little while ago. (On some days I’m sure it feels like years and years to you!)
I know it’s hard to be honest and real about the experience of foster parenting, and yet not cross the line regarding privacy issues. I’ve been thinking about some of the same things with Pumpkin’s first family lately. I wish I could blog about it in more detail, because it would probably be helpful to other people who are working on openness in their adoptive family/first family relationships. But… privacy first.
I admire you, as always, and wish you the best.
May 8th, 2008 at 1:10 pm
Wow… fifteen months… I REALLY hope they will end up staying with you for always!
May 8th, 2008 at 1:15 pm
I hope with all my heart that those babies get the permanency they deserve as soon as humanly possible.
In our county, obviously, we have a same Federal mandate. But it’s not followed as well as it is out there with you. 15 months is more like “oh, well, we’d better give the crapass parents who haven’t done anything at all ONE MORE ITTY BITTY CHANCE. oh, wait, they screwed that up…well… one more chance won’t hurt anything…”
It sucks. Niblet was in care from birth until 18 months, then came back into care 1 year later and the timeline starts over. She’ll be 3 next week and has no permanent family.
May 8th, 2008 at 1:17 pm
I also agree and respect your boundaries regarding the kids and their stories. Lately we’ve heard about the 15/22 months law as being a “trigger,” but it is not in and of itself a reason to TPR. Every family’s story is different, and in the end - things usually turn out like they should. We are just impatient as we wait for our kids to become OURS.
Whistle has been with us almost 5 years now, and we’re still waiting (but things are looking up).
May 8th, 2008 at 1:47 pm
I got bit on the butt by posting my anger at a birth mom. You are good to be cautious. I have probably told more of one of my children’s story than I had a right to. But it was never out of a desire to have people trash the bio mom. It was because I hurt so much for this child and her situation is so impossible.
In general, I disclosed too much at first. I didn’t think anyone would read it. I also thought I was discreet enough with my aliases. That proved to not be true and I was effectively shut down. I wish I could find a better balance than I have so I could have a voice without taking away from theirs.
May 8th, 2008 at 1:58 pm
Every child deserves a forever home. I am happy that your county is pretty consistant about the 15 month law.
May 8th, 2008 at 2:14 pm
You set a strong example as both a mother and a blogger! I hope this 15 month mark heralds the start of a process that will keep these kids where their welfare is paramount - with you.
May 8th, 2008 at 2:18 pm
I know what you mean about writing about birth parents. If I were to write all the reasons Slugger entered foster care people would think his birth mom and dad (and grandma) were monsters. But I know about their histories and I know about some things that they did really RIGHT. It’s not as simple as bad people vs. good people. It’s all hazy shades of grey. And our kids deserve the right to love their parents. I make Slugger view his birth parents honestly — no sugar coating. But I remind him of all the things they did that show that they love him and that they deserve his love. And what a wonderful lesson that is for these kids. That despite bad actions, people can still deserve love and forgiveness.
15 months. What a mix of emotions you must have right now. Here’s hoping that the right thing, the best thing for their futures happens. God grant wisdom to all involved.
May 8th, 2008 at 3:02 pm
I have mixed emotions, probably like most do. I am happy that enough time has passed that some final decisions will be made soon (hopefully), but am still so, so sad that this mother is not well enough to love her little babies. I am sad that Butterfly and Bubba and Snowbaby had to experience what they did. I am sad that through the actions (or lack thereof) by the people who are supposed to love them the most, these kids lives have been permanently altered and put in limbo for AT LEAST 15 months. I am so sad, but I am hopeful that through your kindness and love, they will have an alternate path to choose. Thank you for all that you do. (and I’m sorry, but I secretly hope they get to stay with the Mommy that taught them how to love without fear.)
May 8th, 2008 at 4:15 pm
I’ve been reading your blog since right before you adopted Bug — it’s been a long journey and you’ve given so much of yourself to these kids over the years, and they’ve given you so much. Since Bubba and Snowbaby have truly flourished with you, I could only hope that they will continue on that path, whether that is with you, or with a birth parent who has learned to provide the same level of care (by all accounts that doesn’t seem likely). But I hope for their sake (and your sake) that this is resolved for them very soon. Thinking of all you and hoping for a positive resolution that will be in the best interests of everyone involved!
May 8th, 2008 at 7:50 pm
My kids also have the soap opera stories. But the one thing I assure them of is their birth mother did and does love them. I talk to them about the good things she did … and the not so good. As an adoptee, I know all too well the ability (and maybe even need) to fantasize about birth family. The “if only” thoughts can cause a lot of havoc. And as much as a person tries, this knowledge has to be found first-hand or it’s never truly believed.
I hope this is resolved soon for all of you so that you can be their mommy in spirit and in the law.
May 8th, 2008 at 8:38 pm
I am going through training and homestudy now. I am also a blogger and have found it impossible not to write about my journey. I hope that I can be as respectful when I have children. I enjoy your blog and admire you for giving so much of yourself. You have given me hope that I can do this as a single mom.
May 8th, 2008 at 9:36 pm
Does this mean that you can adopt them soon then? My family and I have considered fostering but to older children. My boyfriend was in foster care from the time he was 5 to 7. He would like to make a difference in the older kids lives and I admire him for it. You are a strong and loving woman… God Bless you!
May 9th, 2008 at 10:31 am
Can’t believe it’s been that long. Lots of hugs to everyone!
May 9th, 2008 at 11:39 am
I don’t comment often, but I read everything BECAUSE I so appreciate knowing what the day to day of foster care is like- just the job, the parts you don’t always hear about because people get caught up in the court drama. Maybe I can do it too one day. Here’s to hoping you get to keep your Bubba and Snowbaby, if only so I can keep reading about them!
May 9th, 2008 at 9:07 pm
Wow. How mixed up you must feel now.
May 10th, 2008 at 4:24 pm
Aw babe, I have so much admiration from you. I am remembering when you first got Bubba & Snowbaby, and how Bubba wasn’t really talking yet, and how Snowbaby wouldn’t let you put her down. They have come so far with you. I am usually a big proponent of family preservation, but only if it’s the best situation for the kids. These kids should be with you, in my humble opinion. Much love and luck to all of you.
May 11th, 2008 at 12:17 am
Keeping my fingers crossed.
Incredible. 15 months. That’s like nearly a year before I went to China. How time flies. How they have changed.
Happy Mother’s Day, Baggage. You’re still my hero.
May 12th, 2008 at 10:50 am
Your blog is plenty interesting just the way it is - that should be the least of your worries.
Hoping that your family will continue to thrive.