Snowbaby has a cold.

Bubba has a cold and an upset stomach.

Bug has a sore throat and an upset stomach.

I have a sinus headache and an upset stomach.

And we have FOUR appointments today. I kept Bubba home from school, which was a mistake I think because now he says he feels better and Snowbaby keeps trying to bite him. I told Bug she has a day off school. I’ve cancelled one appointment and I think I’m going to cancel the 2nd appointment and go with the last two because they are at the house.

Ugh. Seriously. Ugh. I also need to get to the post office, get to two different pharmacies, pick up a pumpkin, carve said pumpkin, find stuff for my Halloween costume, make a haunted gingerbread house and do a candy making kit with the kids. Oh, and I have to update my checkbook and…well, you get the point.

I think I’m going to go take my iPhone, my blanket and some asprin and go rest in the living room with my pack of sick children. There’s always tomorrow.

Do you ever do something that you hope will work but you have no clue? Like today, I had to talk Bubba out of one of his sobbing fits because he **HAD** to wear his race car costume to school. He has no concept of what Halloween is and I’ve been trying to explain it, but he doesn’t quite get it yet. (Also, Santa Claus? I asked Bubba if he knew who Santa was and he said that Santa drives a race car.) Yesterday, Geo brought Bubba his costume, and Bubba was the happiest little dude on the planet. I finally talked Bubba into wearing juest his hat, but knowing that hats weren’t allowed in school, I told him he could bring it in, show his teacher, and then give it back to me. I wasn’t sure it would work at all, because Bubba is a total drama queen and likes to have full body screaming sobbing fits over someone looking at him. He’s way worse than a teenage girl. But it worked like a charm. He skipped in, showed his teacher, said “Trick or Teet” and then said, “Here Mom! You can go bye now.” I love when I make stuff up and I end up being badass. Very cool.

*****

Snowbaby: Here Mom! Princess!

Me: That’s not really a princess. I think this girl is skateboarding.

Snowbaby: No! Princess!

Bug: She says everything is a Princess. Is Mommy a Princess?

Snowbaby: Yes! Mommy Princess!

Bug: Are you a Princess?

Snowbaby: Yes! Yes!

Bug: Am I a Princess?

Snowbaby: No.

*****

Callie: Why can’t we have our own rooms? Because of the stupid window rule?

Me: Yeah..well if someone else gets adopted, then they can take the playroom for their room since the rules don’t apply to them.

Callie: Man, somebody needs to get adopted. I want my own room. I am not getting adopted unless I get adopted but I’m not sure but maybe I will one day. How come Izzy can’t take the playroom since she is getting adopted?

Me: That’s just the way it works. Not until she is adopted.

Callie: Man! Someone needs to get adopted.

Bubba (from the backseat): I AM NOT A-DOPTED. I AM A BUBBA!!

*****

Me: I am going to write a blog post about how even though you don’t get kids from birth, you still have a chance to do a lot of first things with them. Like, wasn’t the time you went with me the first time you went trick or treating?

Bug: Yeah, my foster parents wouldn’t take me! They said it was Satan’s birthday.

***

Edited to add: Cluttergirl was one of the first people to read my blog besides my mom and dad..well, she is now a mommy herself. Congrats Cluttergirl!!

I’m all excited this morning. I had to go to Bubba’s school this morning for a quick change to his IEP (he’s being put in a regular education class for part of the morning now instead of spending all morning in special ed) and then I headed over to our big flea market sale thing in town.

Oh first, a cute Bubba story:

Bubba: Mom. You lost me!

Me: No, I didn’t. I was just one step above you.

Bubba: I didn’t like that. You lost me! Don’t lose me mom.

Yeah, it about broke my heart.

So after the meeting, I went to the big sale thing and I got a stroller! I’m so excited. I haven’t had a stroller the whole time I’ve had the little kids, just a cheap umbrella stroller that gets caught on everything and I can barely push anywhere.

I found a really nice jogging stroller with a sun roof thing, cup holders, a hand brake, big sturdy wheels. Good for up to 50 lbs of kid and I got it for $40. It sells for like $120 so I was happy because it is brand new. Still has tags on it. YAY!! That made the rest of the sale so much better because my stroller really did suck.

I also got a big bag of cars..51 little matchbox cars for $3.00 and it came with two plastic mats that look like roads. Snowbaby has been playing with it for the past 20 minutes and Bubba will probably faint with happiness when he sees it.

Oh, and our therapist was having a yard sale! I got a pair of Carter’s pjs and Snowbaby grabbed some Dora pjs since she is having a love affair with Dora lately.

Then of course I had to hit up the vegetables. I’ll have to tell you about my new obsession with locally grown foods soon. Today I got the biggest onion I’ve ever seen, some canned pickles (although I’m not sure I am going to eat them. I’m a little nervous about food that other people can, unless I know them. I think it is my germophobe side. Anyone have anything to reassure me?) a gigantic seedless watermelon for $2, and a bunch of squash.

So good morning so far, and Bug is actually doing some school work because I sat her down and said, “BUG. Listen. School is important.” And she said, “OK” and immediately started working hard.

I wish I had known it was that easy all along.

Thanks for all of your kind words. I am doing OK.

Frustrated and a little down, but OK.

I really need a little break, but I’m not getting one anytime soon. This is a really busy week. I had to go to court for Callie today. It was a permanency hearing where they reconfirmed that the goal is for her parent’s parental rights to be terminated.

Tomorrow I’ve got a psych appointment for Izzy, a sibling visit for Callie. Thursday is a social worker home visit and speech therapy. Friday I’ve got an IEP meeting for Bubba. And next week I’ve got Snowbaby’s six month evaluation for her Early Intervention program. (six months..wow)

I am starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel though. All the people I borrowed money from in the past seven months are paid off, with the exception of $250 that I owe Geo which I’m going to pay him on Monday.

I am supposed to get the back pay and hopefully mileage and respite pay on Monday too, which will FINALLY bring me up to date on the things that they have been very late in paying me.

Racing season is almost over, which means Geo will stop working on his car all the time. Which means I’ll have more help and more chances to run to the grocery store without my line of ducklings behind me.

Ohh….and I have in my little hand Geo’s American Express card, so that I can hit up the Wicked pre-sale tomorrow.

That makes me happy, as does the fact that the Cubs are tied for first.

I’m trying to take it one day at a time. Trying not to stress as much. Trying to pass off my worries to those who can handle them. I don’t have the emotional capacity to worry about Callie’s reaction to today’s court and Izzy’s self-harm and Bug’s extreme rage and defiance and Bubba’s regression in toilet training and Snowbaby’s reaction to being fed products she’s allergic to and Mom’s inability to follow simple directions and so on and so on.

I am learning, although slowly, that I need to let other people worry about some of these things sometimes.

This is not my nature, at all. I worry about everything. I worry about people I’ve never met. People I won’t ever meet. I worry about my credit score and my retirement fund and if my tire is too low and whether the things in the Hanna Andersson catalog are really worth the money and then I get to the point that I can’t even breathe anymore.

See, I always get these messages all the time saying what a good job I do, and how I’ve inspired them to do foster care and sometimes I just sit here and think that I’m barely holding it together. That when my alarm goes off, I want to hide my head because the enormous weight of my responsibilities seems too much to handle.

How can I comfort someone who is losing their parents? How can I teach someone that they are worth more than a sexual object? How can I calm tremendous rage? How can I explain to a three year old that they can’t go live with Mommy? How can I walk out of a room when Snowbaby is looking at me with big eyes wondering why I am leaving her here again, with this woman who she knows but isn’t sure about?

I don’t know. Some days, I barely feel that I can take care of my own heart and to know that I am carry five other hearts with me each day seems way too much for me.

But somehow, someway, I’m doing it. I’m trying to do it. 

One child refused to get off the floor all day long. She did not do any of her consequences or any of her schoolwork.

Found out one child had made scraping marks across her wrist because she was upset. Have to report to social worker tomorrow.

Had two children react very badly to bedtime after a visit with Mom.

Found out that those behavior charts I do on Callie that nobody has ever asked me about? Well, if I turn those in, I get $100 a month. $60 to compensate me for doing them and $40 to use for Callie’s incentives. Of course, I’ve been charting since May and nobody ever told me that, but oh well. Will get backpay sometime in the year 2054.

Had Mom give an innappropriate gift to Bubba. Sent an email to social worker tonight to ask what they want to do.

Had one child think they saw a unicorn.

Yup, just a typical Monday around here.

**Want to win the lottery??? Check out my review of a great new book called Money for Nothing that might make you change your mind.

Here’s a quickie blogpost for Saturday…

1. Callie is holding a “Name the dog” competition on her blog. Go participate!

2. We went to yard sales this morning and I got a pair of CK jeans, a pair of Ralph Lauren jeans and a pair of American Eagle jeans all for $3.

3. If you want to improve your credit, check out this site. It’s great. I’m addicted to it.

4. Cubs beat the Cardinals last night and this afternoon. Can we make it three in a row tonight???? GO CUBS! Last night, I taught Bubba that men who wear red hats are BAD.

5. I will be doing a few repairs on the blog this weekend, and I’m likely to break it, as I seem to do that everytime I mess with it. Just FYI.

First off, what was the deal with Britney? I’ll admit, I wanted her to do well. The girl has issues. She needs some help. She had a chance to get herself back to some sense of respect, but instead she blew it.

Listen, me and Kenny SAW A BRITNEY CONCERT. Yes. And I have no shame in telling you that it was one of the better concerts I’ve seen in terms of showmanship. I mean, nobody was pretending the girl was singing. But damn, did she put on a show! She had 10+ costume changes, danced like it was nobody’s business. Damn. It was good. It RAINED on the stage. Rained.

And now? I actually felt sorry for her. And doesn’t it go a little far to call her kids “mistakes?” I mean, hate her or love her or don’t give a damn, but calling her kids mistakes is kind of sucky.

I guess it doesn’t matter anyway, because I am officially too old for the VMAs. I thought I was a hip mom. I mean, I can pick Fall out boys out of a lineup. I know about the Umbrella-ella-ella-aa-aa. I was ironing clothes yesterday while watching “The Search for the Next Pussy Cat Doll”

But man. I didn’t know who half those people were. The graphics? Horrible. The partying in the suites? Callie wanted to go. I wanted to go to bed. I didn’t like any of the music. I thought everyone needed a haircut.

I am officially old.

Also, Izzy is convinced that everyone on the VMAs was on drugs. Which may not be too far from the truth. Then again, I caught Izzy this morning trying to respond to a bulk email about p**is enhancers.

I’m too old. Seriously. Too old.

I’m trying to work my way through the mass of emails I have in my inbox. I have a bunch of questions from the blogathon and other times so I’m going to try to answer them…here is my first set of answers…

Humincat asked: Does she growl a lot, or does she want you to try
and scare away her hiccups?

Snowbaby likes to say “RARRRRR” to scare people. She was trying to scare away her hiccups.

Christine asked: So besides moving for reasons that do not include new job or great
place to live, how is the bio-mom doing on her case plan?

Also, you had written (during the blog-o-thon maybe??) that even a
young kid like Bubba shows the effects of neglect and stuff (I know that is
not how you worded it, sorry.) I was wondering if you could go into
more detail about how the younger kids were affected?

Bio-mom has not made any progress on her case plan. As far as the kids go..both the younger kids had significant developmental delays..not only in langauage but in social skills, gross motor skills, personal care skills. Bubba didn’t know his name. He had no concept of potty training.

Both kids have nightmares and night terrors. At times, they get excessively angry for no reason. Bubba cries A LOT. He will sometimes wake up and run out of his bed and point at something in the room when there is nothing there. Both kids, but especially Bubba, can be quite physically agressive. For a long time, Bubba did not hug or kiss anyone. He didn’t sing. He didn’t really know how to talk AT ALL.

Snowbaby was extremely aggressive with food. She would overstuff her mouth to the point of choking. She carried food with her all the time, even to bed. Once, in the grocery store, she sat down on the floor and banged her head on the ground.

Both kids had no concept of routines or discipline. They were afraid of the bath. They didn’t know how to sit at the table and eat. Both kids have thrown up in bed, and just went back to sleep in their vomit. They seemed completely confused when I told them they could have come and woken me up.

These are just a few examples of how they both definitely have issue related to their time with Mom and being in foster care. If you are considering adopting/fostering in this age group, you should do as much research as with an older child. A good book to read is called “The Weavers Craft.”

Cluttergirl asked if Geo takes the kids fishing.

Yes, he does.

Carrie asked: Do you think you have an influence on people that read your blog? How
do you feel about that?

Not sure if this is too personal so do not answer it if it is, but what
are the rules for the older kids in foster care in regards to birth
control? If the girls wanted to be on birth control would it be covered
under their health insurance? Is it a discussion that is simply between
the doctors and the girls?

Do I think I have an influence? Hmm. Well, I guess I do. I’ve gotten quite a few comments/emails from people saying that they have considering fostering because they read my blog. To me, that is a HUGE compliment. I also know that at times I make people mad, because they leave kind of mean comments.

I have a really thin skin, and sometimes blogging is hard for me because I get my feelings hurt. If people don’t comment or if I spend a lot of time writing something, and then it comes across wrong to the reader, that bothers me. There have been times that I’ve been really hurt by something someone says to me.

The reason I mention it is because the reason I keep blogging is because people have said that this blog has influenced them in a positive way. I don’t see myself as the spokesperson for foster care or anything. In the blog I try to show people the good and the bad. I want anyone who reads this to come away with the idea that foster care is challenging but there is so much that is rewarding about it.

In fact, it is the feedback I’ve gotten from the blog that has encouraged me to continue exploring the option of writing a book.

As far as the birth control issue..I’m not sure what happened in Izzy’s case because she was on birth control before she got here. But in Callie’s..she requested she be put on birth control. The request went to the social worker, who discussed it with the team. The team asked her birth mom for her opinion. However, because the team thought it was fine, if birth mom had said no, then they would have taken it to the judge. The judge can outrule the birth mom.

Ironically, the same thing goes for haircuts. When I got Callie a haircut, I had to get permission from the team. I had to get permission from Bubba’s birthmom to have his trimmed. Bubba’s birthmom, by the way, has always been complimentary about the kid’s hair and their clothes. She always tells me that the clothes I get are really cute.

All foster kids in my state are covered by medicaid, and medicaid covers their pills and the doctor’s visits. I’m trying to get approval from the team now to give both girls the vaccine for HPV, but haven’t gotten any response yet.

WordsofJoi asked: What time to
your older girls go to bed? Do they have a certain in-the-room and/or
light-out time?

On non-school days, the older girls do not have a set bedtime unless they are in trouble or being disruptive. On school days, the oldest girls have to be in their rooms by 10:30, Bug has to be in her room at 9. They are allowed to read though after that.

That reminds me..I meant to post our house rules..

More Q and A later.

I’ve been talking a lot about finances lately, so wanted to do a quick post on my money situation and what I’m doing about it.

1) I’m trying to get a loan for $2500. With it, I’m going to consolidate my debt, which will free up a lot of money each month. I also need to buy a new computer. Just the tower, as we have a monitor that works good, but with Bug in the virtual school I need to have a good computer for her to use. I’m hoping to eliminate all my debt except for my student loan in the near future.

2) I have been working my budget which really helps me see where money is going each month.

3) Of course, it will be a lot of help when DFS gets their head out of their butt and starts paying me what they owe me. Bug’s subsidy has STILL not been fixed, which means I still haven’t gotten my $382 and on the 15th, they are going to short me another $382.

4) We did get our clothing allowances! On Saturday we went up to the store and we had $740 for the four kids (Bug doesn’t get a clothing allowance) to spend. Of course, $250 doesn’t go all that far when you are 16, but Callie especially did a really good job at getting the basics of what she needs.

5) Several of you have asked about things for Callie/Izzy..I’m working on updating the amazon wishlist.

6) I did put amazon links on the site yesterday but it broke it. So I’m trying again later.

So hopefully things are going to be looking up soon.

In other news…Bubba has stayed dry two nights in a row and is wearing underpants! He has had a few accidents, but he is on the way to potty trained! And Snowbaby has gone in the potty a few times already too! Yay!

The kids will start visits with their mom again next week and I’m hoping we don’t have a major regression. The big girls start school next week, Bug starts the week after and Bubba the week after.

Is summer over already?

Sorry I’ve been quiet for a few days.

I was pretty wiped out for the past few days after my all night deal.

I had a little scare about the kids. I found out that biomom of the little ones moved out of the area all of a sudden and she requested that the kids be moved to a foster home close to where she is. Luckily, there is a policy which states that for 90 days, the bioparents will be transportated to the visits. This is to help create some stability in the kid’s lives. Mom has moved around a lot. If she stays in place for 90 days and still requests that they be moved, then the team will decide whether they agree with that recommendation. I mean, if Mom moves because she got a great deal on a place and got a good job, then that is one thing. Unfortunately, that isn’t the case here.

But it just reminded me why doing foster care sucks sometimes. I still haven’t gotten paid the missing $382 and last time I checked, nothing has been rectified. Which means that not only will I not get the missing $382 this month, but I’ll be shorted another $382 on the 15th.

I’ve been trying for a week to get the kid’s clothing allowance, but that isn’t working out so great either.

Meanwhile, I have been working very hard to come up with a comprehensive budget and a plan to reduce debt and increase cash flow. I’ve never had a budget, so this is new for me. I plan on posting more about that later.

Bubba is in the ”attempting to wear underpants” stage. It is very exciting. School starts for the big girls in two weeks, for Bug in three and for Bubba at the end of the month.

I still haven’t made it through all my email, so if you’ve emailed and I haven’t emailed back, please don’t hate me.

I’m working on it. I’m sick of feeling tired and sick and depressed and broke. I’m trying to do something about it.

I’ll keep you posted.