A message from Bubba:
“Happy Mother’s Time! Can I have candy?”

1. The phrase: “Well, I can have sex if I want to. It’s not like I can get pregnant since I take that shot.”

2. The question: “Mom, what does it mean when a girl does a blower?”

3. The Cubs lost. And the Brewers won. Our magic number is still four.

4. My body is rebelling against me. Remember when I had surgery because my uterine lining was too thick and it was causing all sorts of abnormal bleeding? Well, the abnormal bleeding is back. Also, every muscle and joint in my body hurts. And I’m having major insomnia and restless sleep which is making me feel insane.

5. I got carded for buying glue. Again.

*****

(Do you know what you want to have happen to you after you die? Check out my review of a book that examines a more natural way of burial.)

Hiya!! It’s me! Baggage!

I know you are real busy and all, but I **had** to write. I just found out that you paid me for this month!! WOW! That was SO nice of you!! I totally wasn’t expecting it. Honest! I swear! I don’t expect you to pay me anything. But you did it anyway, because you are SO THOUGHTFUL!!

I know that you were too busy to adjust my subsidy or pay me for my back pay, respite or mileage. But hey! It’s OK!! I wasn’t expecting it! Besides, what is $1500 between friends??

Matter of fact, one of the kids today asked me if we could go do up to the mall this weekend and buy some things and I was SHOCKED! I mean, honestly! The nerve of these kids!! I said, “Listen up! Stop being so ungrateful! The state has already rescued you from your miserable little lives! How can you expect them to actually PROVIDE for you now? Haven’t they done enough for you?? Sheesh! It is obvious why you are in foster care..your parents never taught you any manners! Now say “THANK YOU” to the nice social worker and stop EXPECTING things all the time!”

Anyway, thank you for all you do!! You are so great!!!

Love always, your BFF,

Baggage

P.S. OMG! I totally forgot! Thanks so much for the letter saying that I get to take mandatory CPR all day on a Saturday! How fun!! And don’t worry about not providing any arrangements for childcare! I’m sure I can find a finger-printed, background checked childcare provider for five children on Saturday with no problem!! See ya then!!!

I know I’ve talked about this before, but bear with me.

People who try to humiliate people for using WIC are a special kind of low. I find it rather embarassing to use WIC, what with the coupons and you have to separate everything out and all. I know that someone might look down on the fact that I am getting free milk when I’m also spending $3.49 on a People magazine.

But that is no excuse to try to humiliate someone. In my case, of course, I get WIC automatically because my kids are foster kids. Which just makes these judgemental people look worse. I guess I could not use it, but on this trip I saved about $50 and that is $50 I would rather spend to take the kids to the water park or to do something fun. They deserve milk AND water parks (and most other things) simply for their life situation. But even if they weren’t foster kids, it is rather presumptious for someone to mock someone else for being in a lower station of life than themselves. Karma’s a bitch. The old woman who mocked me in front of Snowbaby and Callie today might one day end up needing a free gallon of milk and some cheese.

All I know is that I hope I am more often like the cashier, who took extra time to pack all my groceries in double bags and put them in the cart and smiled nicely and patted Snowbaby on the head because she knew I was upset, than the woman who mocked me for taking care of someone else’s children.

Kim.Kim said

I don’t understand why you are taking care of a baby while Bug needs
you.

It was obvious she wasn’t coping with you having more children in the
house.

I think all the comments about shopping and you being a good mother are
not helpful.

You fucked up, so fix it.

Bug needs you, she needs one on one attention. I really don’t care if I
get flamed for saying this. I am really upset about Bug.

Personally, Kim, I’m not sure how you thought your comment was at all helpful.

I am still amazed that people read blogs and think that they understand the entire situation.

I know I do not need to defend myself but I will say this:

Not ONE person on Bug’s treatment team…and that is at the hospital and people she sees at home every week think that it would be AT ALL beneficial to remove the children. In fact, EVERY ONE of them think that removing the children from the home would be a mistake. They think that Bug is benefitting from her role as a big sister. That her problems started way before these children came (remember the forged check? the IPOD?) and that her problems were exasperated by her going through puberty and her medication no longer working. (And yes, I know Kim.Kim is against medicating a child. It is not like I think it is a great thing, but then again, I wasn’t the one who exposed Bug to drugs while she was in utero.)

The first thing Bug wanted to know on the phone yesterday? How her brother and sisters were doing and how much she missed them.

I didn’t fuck up. You know who fucked up? Bug’s biological mother. You know what Bug is upset about? The fact that she is finally old enough to understand what the hell happened to her and how much it sucks.

And you know what? She’s right. There is no reason a child should EVER be treated the way Bug was treated, both by her biological family and the system that bounced her around to 12 different homes and 22 different moves.

Bug and I spend 24 hours a day together. She is homeschooled so she can get one on one attention. Bug and I go places without the other children. Bug gets a lot of one on one time.

And let me reiterate:

Every member of Bug’s treatment team think that it would be detrimental to Bug to have the children removed from the home.

Maybe that is hard for some people to understand, even though all they know of me and my family is a 500 word post every day or so. And somehow they think that means that they know me, know my children, and know what is best for them. Somehow they think that this blog details everything that is going on in my life. They think that reading this blog makes them more knowledgeable than anyone else who actually lives with, works with, or loves my daughter.

Yes, I chose this.

Yes, this is what I wanted.

No, that does not give you the right to say I’m “acting like a victim” at the end of a very long day which involved court and fevers and tons of stealing. IT IS NOT HELPFUL.

Also, to my helper:

I gave you another chance. And then I explained to you VERY CLEARLY that I had to pull Bug out of public school because she was about to get expelled. That she had stolen so much stuff that I needed to get her out of there before someone pressed charges. That she would be homeschooled but YOU WERE NOT TO HELP HER WITH ANYTHING.

So why is half of her work done in your handwriting? Why, when I told you that I was going to the store and you should work on the bathrooms while I was gone and NOT TO HELP BUG, are you upstairs sitting at the kitchen table telling Bug what is left to do and THE BATHROOMS ARE NOT TOUCHED????

Part of giving Bug an assignment list is for her to develop responsibility. You are not to tell her what she has left. You are not to write her spelling words for her or write her answers in her books. You ARE SUPOSSED TO BE CLEANING MY GOD DAMN BATHROOMS.

And now this means I will HAVE to fire you because I have told you like THIRTY times to leave Bug alone and let her work by herself. There is a reason for this. I EVEN PUT IT IN WRITING so you would not be confused.

So now I won’t have a freaking helper and I’m about to go nuts because I am having to go through the house and lock everything up. If I leave one food item out, the girls eat it ALL. If I leave money anywhere, it is gone. My makeup? They’ve used it all. There are chunks of brownies under beds, my lip gloss under pillows. Cell phones that don’t belong to us. Money. FIFTEEN (and counting) LIBRARY books that were stolen from the school library.

Does anyone want a live in nanny job? Do any men, or hell women, read this blog and want to get married?

GOD DAMN.

Edited to add:

While I was gone, Bug asked the helper if she liked her job so far.

She said, “Not really.”

Why?

“Because your mom is too perfect.”

HAHAHAHAHA.

Also, Bug threw a bottle brush at her. Got her soaking wet.

Unsure as to whether this was related to me being so perfect.

Since I look young and Bug is tall, we always draw attention to ourselves when she is “Mommy”ing me in the store.

I didn’t realize, however, how much attention four children draw. Sometimes I feel like a Duck with four little ducklings following behind me.

And the fact that I look young..well, let’s just say that it took me two hours to get through Walmart today and that was only with one child. Everyone has something to say.

Here are some people I wish would shut up:

The 100 year old man at McDonalds. Yes. I know you think that the baby must be sick or tired because she is having a nervous breakdown. I don’t need you to tell me about what I should give the baby to make her not sick. I don’t want to explain to you that the baby has food issues and putting her high chair away, even though I sat for an extra ten minutes to make sure she wasn’t going to eat anything, is causing her to be upset. Also, could you keep your hands off of her?

And that goes for you..creepy guy at Goodwill. I can understand when an old man likes to pat a baby’s head, but you are in your mid-thirties. Could you please stop grabbing my baby? I mean, I didn’t really mind the first time, but you’ve put your hands on her like five times. Next time you touch her, I’m going to kick you. Or hit you with a baseball bat.

Yes, old woman at Walmart. The baby does have six pounds of groceries piled around her little seat in the cart. If she doesn’t, she’ll scream. A horrible, terrible scream. Do you think it is funny to pretend to take her goldfish away? Because it took me ten minutes to calm her down. Thanks.

So, stuck up woman in the check-out line? You think that people shouldn’t use WIC? That I should of thought about my finances before having four children? That’s nice. Did I mention my children can hear you? I feel like I should explain that they are foster children and get WIC automatically, but you don’t deserve an explanation. And they don’t need you to know their business. I’m glad that you can afford to buy your children’s milk…I’m sure everyone in the store is since you are talking so damn loud.

Yes, she is small. Yes, she is almost two. Yes, she is tiny. No, I don’t know if she was premature. Yes, she’s a little baby.

Yes, I know that you think the fact that he screams MEHHHHH instead of saying his name is not polite. But he doesn’t know his name. And I don’t need a lecture on how I should put him in speech therapy.

Yes. They are all mine. For now anyway. Yes, this one is mine and these guys are staying with me for awhile. Why? Well, that’s none of your business. Yes, they are all with me. All of them. Four of them. I’m 28. Why? Yes, she’s 11. Yes, she’s a baby. Where’s my husband? I don’t know. Do you?

How’d a young girl like me get so many kids? Do you really want an answer to that, Mr. Busy Body?

Because I’m a big slut? Is that what you are implying? Also, yes, I know. I did not pay for the donut yet and I’m letting the baby eat it. Yes, I know you think my kids are “smart” for pointing that out. I’m going to pay for it but right now if the baby doesn’t eat it, she will have a nervous breakdown. We’ve already had two this shopping trip. Do you want her to have another one? I’m sure it is the rule to pay for things first, but sometimes when you are dealing with a child who thinks that if she doesn’t eat the donut now, she might go days without food..well screw the rules.

No. He’s not potty trained. I’m sure he appreciates you discussing his toilet training in public.

Actually no, she’s not glad she is away from her mom. She loves her mom. What a rude thing to say.

Thank you, Mr. Security Money Delivery guy, for picking up the bag of groceries that fell out of my cart. But did you have to say, “How embarassing” when you did? Because that embarassed me.

I’m sorry I don’t know his shoe size. I’m sorry if you are shocked that a mother doesn’t know her son’s shoe size.

No. She’s not too hot. No. She’s not too cold.

And finally, to the woman who, after Butterfly told her “She’s my foster mom. She’s buying me some stuff” leaned over to me and whispered, “What a lucky woman you are. What a blessing these children must be.”

I love you. Seriously.

In case you are waiting for a package from me or a reply to an email you have sent….I am sorry. I’m working on it.

Yesterday was an extremely crappy day for me. (Was it the most depressing day yesterday or is that the 24th?? I got conflicting reports.)

I’m not sure whether my anxiety is causing me to feel sick or my sickness is causing me anxiety but either way, I could barely get out of bed yesterday. Actually, I really didn’t get out of bed until right before I had to go to my behavior class.

And let me tell you, there was this new couple there. Why they came starting with the third class, I do not know. But they talked THE ENTIRE TIME. Now, if you know me in real life you know that I’m a talker. Actually, you might have figured that out by the frequency in which I blog. (I figure my blog will listen to me yap, if no one else will.) But even though I like to talk and I contribute to the class discussion when I feel I have a relevant point…I do not run my mouth the entire class.

And these people did. They interrupted EVERYTHING the teacher said. They interrupted each other while they were interrupting him. And on the rare occassions that they were not interrupting each other, they were talking to themselves or someone nearby.

I really wanted to punch them.

And you know what most of our class was about last night?? LISTENING.

My God.

On top of that nonsense, there is still something wrong with my van. Geo is going to take it into work tomorrow to try to get it fixed. But meanwhile I have to fill it up with water everytime I go anywhere, which doesn’t really suck but it sort of sucks. And the water all falls out as I’m driving so if you want to, you can come to my house and follow the water trail to wherever I am going and stalk me. (It’s probably only Walmart so you might as well just go there and stalk me.)

And Bug. Do you know how many times Bug talked back/argued last week? 68. 68! Last night when I got home from the class, she was already in bed. Apparently Geo had gotten fed up with her and sent her to bed. You know her behavior is bad if Geo doesn’t want to deal with it. Her attitude just sucks lately. (Is she picking up on my anxiety? Is she just a typical 11 year old? Is she in on a secret plot with the Bush administration to put me in a mental institution?)

I think a lot of the anxiety comes from the waiting game. It is Tuesday. Homestudies on one of the groups of kids that I’m interested in are being collected until tomorrow. One group is having them collected until Monday. I tried to come up with a scientific formula to predict how soon after they stop collecting homestudies they will do a staffing, but we all know that I suck in math and so that wasn’t successful either. So meanwhile, I just keep checking my special social worker email and I keep having no new messages. I do think that the staffings will take place sometime between now and say Valentine’s Day. I’m also waiting to see what happens with the foster kids who were coming but then didn’t and still might.

And I hate waiting. HATE IT.

Also, what the hell is Bree doing? Planning what job you want? How about you plan out how to escape the mysterious order that is chasing your ass? And maybe people wouldn’t be clingy or trying to help you through your problems if, you know, they hadn’t just seen your dad shot in front of them by the mysterious order that is chasing your ass? I mean, get a grip woman!

Wow. This is an incredibly bitchy post. But that is what it is like inside my head lately. So I apologize.

I will end this post on a positive note. Do you know that diet Pepsi does not suck? It is much better than diet Coke. I still like Coke in the glass bottles the best, but they are expensive, but better than any other Coke in a can or a fountain or a plastic bottle. But diet Pepsi=does not suck. Water, however, sucks. But I am drinking it more and more. And I’m imagining all you bloggy people yelling at me when I don’t. Which really, bloggy people, you can back down from all the yelling.

Or, if you must yell, don’t do it while you are stalking me. Walmart is stressful enough already without all the yelling.

Technorati Tags: diet Pepsi, water, anxiety, waiting, Walmart,  Lonelygirl, LG15

Two quickies..

First, I am trying to add that widget thing for mybloglog, even though I’m not 100% sure I understand the concept. But all the cool kids are doing it, so why not? Except that mybloglog has somehow flagged my site as an “adult” site. Which strikes me as quite funny, and also I’m sad that they found out what goes on in my password protected posts. Ha! Just kidding! (Hey, if you asked for a password and I didn’t give you one, leave me a comment so I can send it to you! Don’t miss out on all the p*rn.)

Also, I got Bug’s new birth certificate in the mail. It is the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen. It says “Bug Her Middle Name Kenny’s Last Name” and then it says Mother: Baggage My Middle Name My Maiden Name. Age: 17.

HA! Because they want you to believe that instead of sitting through AP English, I got on a plane, flew to the city of Bug’s birth, gave birth to her and managed to make it back in time for my Latin club meeting. (Shut up. It was cool.)

I mean, yes, if I gave birth to Bug, I would have been 17. But I DID NOT GIVE BIRTH TO BUG. And I think it is ridiculous to have this piece of paper which says that I did.

But at least now I can get my tax refund. Which will help me build up my adult site empire. (YES!)

Technorati Tags: mybloglog, adoption, amended birth certificates, blogs

I know some of you are already quite mad at CNN for the remarks made about adopting from China on the Paula Zahn show.

I just went to check CNN.com and they have a link to a video with this title:

“Must be fit, have nice face to get Chinese baby”

Seriously CNN.

First off, they don’t say you need to be “fit.” Fit implies that you are in good physical shape, that you work out. They say that you can’t be over a certain BMI.

Second, they don’t say you need to have a “nice face.” They say you can not have facial deformities. You can have facial deformities and have a nice face. Come on.

Yes, China has made new rules. Yes, it sucks for a lot of people who won’t be able to adopt from China. (Myself included)

But let’s not sensationalize it, CNN. Anymore than you already have.

Technorati Tags: adoption, CNN, China adoption, Paula Zahn