Today started with frustration that I could not get my ADD treated at the VA and therefore was going to have to pay out of pocket for doctor’s visits and medicine.

It continued with a quick, but productive appointment where the doctor confirmed I had ADD and prescribed medicine.

Then came a disaster at Walgreen followed by a debaucle at Walmart which had me screaming at the Walmart lady that she needed to fill my prescription even if it was dated for tomorrow because it was just a mistake and why couldn’t she call the doctor and ended with me sobbing in the Walmart parking lot. Without my medicine.

Which was the beginning of a long sobbing spree. Which was briefly interrupted when I considered taking my van and running it head on into the train that was crossing the road I was traveling on.

And then continued to my room where all I could do was cry and cry. And I thought about posting something but then I thought that someone would comment that I was a crazy person and it was no wonder I was not getting picked for the kids that I sent my homestudy in on and I was pretty sure if I posted something, someone would call my DFS and alert them to the fact that they had licensed a crazy person.

Which made me cry more. And then I noticed that my little box over there on the right that tells my ranking on a blog site was the highest it had ever been, which isn’t a good thing as the lower the number the better. And really, it doesn’t matter because most of you probably have never seen that little box as you are probably reading this through google or bloglines or something. And really, it doesn’t mean anything. But somehow, that little box showing a number in the 50s devastated me, which made me cry more.

And then I tried to explain myself to Geo, which was hard because I was trying to articulate how I felt when I wasn’t exactly sure how I felt. I knew I was angry..angry that I had spent so many years not being diagnosed with what was wrong with me. I was afraid that this wouldn’t work. That this medicine wouldn’t work and I wouldn’t feel better. That I was stressed by this matching/waiting process going on with the adoptions and that each time they didn’t choose me, it hurt. Really hurt.

And then Geo suggested that maybe I needed to go get a job outside the home for like thirty hours a week..and well, you can imagine how well that suggestion went over.

And let’s not forget the fact that I had horrible cramps. Awful cramps. And that while I was sobbing in the Walmart parking lot, I noticed that my jeans were wet. And when I came home I realized that I bled through my tampon, through my underwear and all over my jeans.

Finally I calmed myself down enough to go to my class, where the members of my class spent about twenty minutes making fun of adults with ADD. On a day like today, I really needed to hear that I was nuts, a pain in the butt to deal with, irresponsible and that talking to me was like talking to a brick wall. Because duh, I already know that. Thanks people.

But driving home tonight, I made up my mind that I am not going to end up flattened by a train. I am going to get up tomorrow, be at the pharmacy when it opens, get my medicine, start implementing the behavior modification techniques I have learned, and try to make it. I want to adopt more children. I want to be a good mom to Bug. I want to write a book about me and Bug and how and why you should adopt from foster care. I want to be happy.

I’m not giving up. I’m not giving up.

Tomorrow has got to be a little bit better.

Technorati Tags: ADD, depression, goals

First off, thank you to those who left kind comments to me yesterday regarding the diagnosis and those who emailed me privately. I get caught up in reading without commenting myself…I just read through my google reader and never bother to click over. But your comments and emails mean a lot to me and I truly do appreciate it. Hell, I appreciate the fact that you actually take time out of your day to read this blog in the first place. Means a lot.

Second…I need a good chili recipe. Nothing too spicy, but yummy. And it would be best if I could make it in the crockpot, but not necessary.

Third…If you haven’t made a donation to Bug’s St. Jude fundraiser and would like to, please let me know. Bug read all your comments and is very excited about doing the math problems. It is a great cause. Plus, Bug has to do 250 math problems. At home. That will take her a looonggg time.

Think of me please? All that uninterrupted blog reading time….plus all that time where Bug will have something to do and will not say, “Mommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmy I am boorrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeed.” Peace and Quiet in the BDH. Please? I thank you in advance.

Fourth, do you know a side effect of Adderall is excessive sweating? No wonder Bug always smells like she just ran a marathon. If you have a girl going through puberty that takes Adderall, then let her know to double up on the deodorant.

Fifth, are there any foster parents or people who have adopted from foster care that would want to work on a foster care adoption blog with me? I know a lot of us have blogs that detail our day to day lives dealing with foster care, but I want people to share tips, advice, what a homestudy is like, what going to a staffing or committee is like, etc. so that people who are in the process or who are considering adopting from foster care or becoming a foster parent can learn more about it from people who have been there. I know that our blogs help give an idea what it is like to raise a child from foster care, but they don’t often let people know how long it takes for a homestudy or whether you need a fire extinguisher in your home. If you’d be interested in writing or even offering one post, let me know.

Sixth, please stay tuned for posts such as:

“Guess what? I’m not a big fat failure!”

“Why forging a check is wrong”

“Bug’s behavior modification plan”

a new book review and my continued quest to bring more kids to the BDH.

And really. Thank you for reading. Thank you for caring enough about me and Bug to make us part of your day.

Technorati Tags: blogs, chili, mathathon, foster care, adderall

The majority of my test results are in.

Nothing is wrong with me.

I don’t have diabetes, I don’t have liver disease, I do not have problems with my thryoid nor do I have an infection of some type.

I had a very slightly elevated albumin level. She said it just basically indicates I was slightly dehydrated, but she said it wasn’t even really relevant. Just make sure I keep up my water intake.

Right now, the tentative diagnosis is Adult ADD. It was mentioned in passing at my first appointment, but I thought that there was no way that was it because I don’t act like Bug does. Well, apparently Adult ADD and childhood ADHD/ADD have many differences. I have taken multiple screening tests now, all which indicate that this is probably the case. (In fact, one rather rudely told me to “Seek medical attention IMMEDIATELY”)

I got a list of symptoms of Adult ADD and it was like reading a (rather embarassing) book about my personality. Mom, Dad and Geo all nodded their virtual heads in agreement.

In actuality, having this tentative diagnosis has done worlds for my attitude this morning. You know, I will be the first to admit that some of the issues related to my sexual abuse are still present in my life. I am sure they will always be. But on the most part, I am very comfortable talking about it. I get emails from time to time from people who stumble on this blog and want to talk or want advice on sexual abuse. Doesn’t bother me. When my grandfather died, a large part of the issues I had died with him. The anxiety, the fear that he would kill me or my family. And while I am a little bitter that my stupid ovary issue is related to the abuse, I also feel a tremendous sense of relief that Dr. Gel said I could get knocked up.

I guess my point is..every single time I have ever tried to get help for an issue in my life in the past 10 years, as soon as they hear I am an abuse survivor they pin everything on that. Extremely short temper? Well you are harboring anger from your abuse. Can’t concentrate? It’s the depression. Tendency to bounce around from thing to thing without finishing it? Oh, well maybe you are bipolar. Low self esteem? Feeling that you are underachieving in your life? Well duh, you are an abuse survivor. You are expected to have low self esteem.

And it never really felt right to me. In fact, I had some therapist who refused to talk about anything other than my abuse. Even though sometimes I wanted to talk about my marriage. Or sometimes I wanted to talk about my relationship with Bug.

So when Dr. Lunch told me that I was probably feeling this way because I have depression and anxiety and maybe the Wellbutrin wasn’t working and maybe I needed to try Paxil, I got a little pissed.

Because I know what depressed is. I know what anxious is. And I wasn’t really either of those things. I was depressed because I felt horrible. I was depressed because I didn’t get picked for the kids. But hey, that is normal. It was just a bit of sadness. When I really took an honest look at what effects the ADs have had on me, I would say that they helped but they never fixed. They took the edge off, but they never dealt with 70% of my issues. I thought I would just have to be like that forever. I thought I would be mostly unhappy forever.

And when I really trace back this current downward trend I’ve been in, I can almost pinpoint it.

Right at the time I graduated from college, lost the structure of my classes, lost the security of my GI Bill and was suddenly my own boss and responsible for my own income.

I’ve walked around for the past month or so feeling like I am stupid and lazy. And I’m not.

Anyway, I’m waiting to hear from the doctor as to what the next step is. Of course, the VA doesn’t really specialize in adults with ADD so there is already an issue with medication and the like. I’m working on it.

But I am optimistic. For the first time in my life, I’ve seen a list of almost everything that is bad about me and somebody has said, “Hey. We can help you fix this. It is not your fault. This can be fixed.”

That is very powerful.

Technorati Tags: test results, ADD, ADHD, depression, anxiety, therapy