Kim.Kim said

I don’t understand why you are taking care of a baby while Bug needs
you.

It was obvious she wasn’t coping with you having more children in the
house.

I think all the comments about shopping and you being a good mother are
not helpful.

You fucked up, so fix it.

Bug needs you, she needs one on one attention. I really don’t care if I
get flamed for saying this. I am really upset about Bug.

Personally, Kim, I’m not sure how you thought your comment was at all helpful.

I am still amazed that people read blogs and think that they understand the entire situation.

I know I do not need to defend myself but I will say this:

Not ONE person on Bug’s treatment team…and that is at the hospital and people she sees at home every week think that it would be AT ALL beneficial to remove the children. In fact, EVERY ONE of them think that removing the children from the home would be a mistake. They think that Bug is benefitting from her role as a big sister. That her problems started way before these children came (remember the forged check? the IPOD?) and that her problems were exasperated by her going through puberty and her medication no longer working. (And yes, I know Kim.Kim is against medicating a child. It is not like I think it is a great thing, but then again, I wasn’t the one who exposed Bug to drugs while she was in utero.)

The first thing Bug wanted to know on the phone yesterday? How her brother and sisters were doing and how much she missed them.

I didn’t fuck up. You know who fucked up? Bug’s biological mother. You know what Bug is upset about? The fact that she is finally old enough to understand what the hell happened to her and how much it sucks.

And you know what? She’s right. There is no reason a child should EVER be treated the way Bug was treated, both by her biological family and the system that bounced her around to 12 different homes and 22 different moves.

Bug and I spend 24 hours a day together. She is homeschooled so she can get one on one attention. Bug and I go places without the other children. Bug gets a lot of one on one time.

And let me reiterate:

Every member of Bug’s treatment team think that it would be detrimental to Bug to have the children removed from the home.

Maybe that is hard for some people to understand, even though all they know of me and my family is a 500 word post every day or so. And somehow they think that means that they know me, know my children, and know what is best for them. Somehow they think that this blog details everything that is going on in my life. They think that reading this blog makes them more knowledgeable than anyone else who actually lives with, works with, or loves my daughter.

Whenever Bug goes a little nuts, like last night, when she bangs her head into walls and insists she has the right to cut off her arm..when she screams that I’m a Bitch and that she hates me, Geo usually will say to me that perhaps Bug can not handle having the other kids around.

And I suppose I see where he is coming from.

Because Bug’s rages and anger have increased dramatically since they have been here. I’ve chalked it up to jealousy, over having to share Mom, over having to share personal belongings. I’ve adjusted bedtimes, switched rooms, scheduled special time…nothing worked.

It has taken almost two months, but Bug and I have finally gotten to the core of why she is so damn angry.

Because everyone in this house gets to see their family except her.

Now nevermind that she understands the circumstances. Nevermind that she is insisting on seeing a relative that she has never met.

But everyone gets to see biological family members except her.

We are slowly working through it. Bug sometimes still holds onto a fantasy image of her mother. In her mind, her mom might be able to get her terminated rights back, because Bug is sure that her mom is off drugs and out of trouble and has a good job.

I wish I could say that is true.

Bug is also angry because she is old enough to see Butterfly’s Mom and form her own opinion. She’s always making comments after we drop the kids off like, “She just lied, Mom!” or “Why didn’t she do _________ like she said she would?” or “How come she didn’t even bring ________ to the visit??”

She hears Butterfly insist that her Mom has gotten a three story house and filled it with canopy beds, brand new clothes, and all the newest game systems.

And Bug knows the truth.

And Bug hates the truth. Bug hates that she sees her mother in their mother. Bug wants so badly to blame someone else. She wants to blame the social workers, the judges, the lawyers. She wants to insist that she was never allowed visitation. That she was never allowed phone calls. That she was never allowed a chance to speak to a lawyer.

Because when it boils down to it, Bug is getting old enough to realize that she did not go home because of her mother. Not because of anyone else. Because of her mother.

And damn. DAMN.

What can she do? She can scream at the top of her lungs and bang her head into the wall but it is not going to change it.

Butterfly can scream at the top of her lungs and bang her head into the wall and slam chairs into walls, but that won’t make her mom not miss a visit.

And it hurts them so badly because they both love their moms.

It hurts me too. Because I love both of them. So when Bug cries about not getting to see her family and when Butterfly writes letters begging to be able to go home, well, it hurts.

And when their little hearts are breaking, it hurts me too.

But the answer is not sending these children away. That won’t stop Bug’s anger. That won’t fix this hurt. It might put a band-aid on it for a few years. But Bug needs to deal with this. I know this. I know what it is like to carry around poision inside of you for years.

It comes out. Eventually.

I’m not going to pretend that the anger and hurt can be fixed. Maybe it never can. I wish I could take it away. I wish I could fix it. I wish I could do anything so that these children didn’t have to carry around this pain.

I used to think that children who came to my house would be happy to be here. That love could fix everything. That the family we created would be more than enough to make up for the family they left behind.

I know better now. But somehow, I still have to believe that things will be OK. That Bug will grow up and be a survivor. After all, I did. I have banged my head into the wall many times. And I’m OK. I hope she will be too.

The majority of my test results are in.

Nothing is wrong with me.

I don’t have diabetes, I don’t have liver disease, I do not have problems with my thryoid nor do I have an infection of some type.

I had a very slightly elevated albumin level. She said it just basically indicates I was slightly dehydrated, but she said it wasn’t even really relevant. Just make sure I keep up my water intake.

Right now, the tentative diagnosis is Adult ADD. It was mentioned in passing at my first appointment, but I thought that there was no way that was it because I don’t act like Bug does. Well, apparently Adult ADD and childhood ADHD/ADD have many differences. I have taken multiple screening tests now, all which indicate that this is probably the case. (In fact, one rather rudely told me to “Seek medical attention IMMEDIATELY”)

I got a list of symptoms of Adult ADD and it was like reading a (rather embarassing) book about my personality. Mom, Dad and Geo all nodded their virtual heads in agreement.

In actuality, having this tentative diagnosis has done worlds for my attitude this morning. You know, I will be the first to admit that some of the issues related to my sexual abuse are still present in my life. I am sure they will always be. But on the most part, I am very comfortable talking about it. I get emails from time to time from people who stumble on this blog and want to talk or want advice on sexual abuse. Doesn’t bother me. When my grandfather died, a large part of the issues I had died with him. The anxiety, the fear that he would kill me or my family. And while I am a little bitter that my stupid ovary issue is related to the abuse, I also feel a tremendous sense of relief that Dr. Gel said I could get knocked up.

I guess my point is..every single time I have ever tried to get help for an issue in my life in the past 10 years, as soon as they hear I am an abuse survivor they pin everything on that. Extremely short temper? Well you are harboring anger from your abuse. Can’t concentrate? It’s the depression. Tendency to bounce around from thing to thing without finishing it? Oh, well maybe you are bipolar. Low self esteem? Feeling that you are underachieving in your life? Well duh, you are an abuse survivor. You are expected to have low self esteem.

And it never really felt right to me. In fact, I had some therapist who refused to talk about anything other than my abuse. Even though sometimes I wanted to talk about my marriage. Or sometimes I wanted to talk about my relationship with Bug.

So when Dr. Lunch told me that I was probably feeling this way because I have depression and anxiety and maybe the Wellbutrin wasn’t working and maybe I needed to try Paxil, I got a little pissed.

Because I know what depressed is. I know what anxious is. And I wasn’t really either of those things. I was depressed because I felt horrible. I was depressed because I didn’t get picked for the kids. But hey, that is normal. It was just a bit of sadness. When I really took an honest look at what effects the ADs have had on me, I would say that they helped but they never fixed. They took the edge off, but they never dealt with 70% of my issues. I thought I would just have to be like that forever. I thought I would be mostly unhappy forever.

And when I really trace back this current downward trend I’ve been in, I can almost pinpoint it.

Right at the time I graduated from college, lost the structure of my classes, lost the security of my GI Bill and was suddenly my own boss and responsible for my own income.

I’ve walked around for the past month or so feeling like I am stupid and lazy. And I’m not.

Anyway, I’m waiting to hear from the doctor as to what the next step is. Of course, the VA doesn’t really specialize in adults with ADD so there is already an issue with medication and the like. I’m working on it.

But I am optimistic. For the first time in my life, I’ve seen a list of almost everything that is bad about me and somebody has said, “Hey. We can help you fix this. It is not your fault. This can be fixed.”

That is very powerful.

Technorati Tags: test results, ADD, ADHD, depression, anxiety, therapy

Yondalla posted another excellent post about behavior modification and why it sometimes does not work with hurt children. Or why when it works, the kid gets angry or upset.

It actually has a lot to do with what I was talking about yesterday. I am very well aware that a lot of Bug’s issues stem from a lack of consistent parenting as well as from ODD/ADHD. But I am also well aware of the fact that she has certain behaviors that are directly related to the fact that she had trauma in her childhood.

And it make sense, doesn’t it? How many of us, who have also have had trauma in our childhood, have behaviors related to that? I know I do. I know that things that I do or things that upset me or triggers I have are directly related to feelings of guilt or shame or anxiety or fear.

So if I am 28 and I’ve had 15+ years to process what happened to me, how can I expect little Buggy to not be reacting to things that happened to her?

And not that I am saying to excuse the behavior. I’m not saying that it is OK for her to do the things that she does, anymore than I think my own undesirable behaviors are OK. But they are understandable.

As parents, sometimes we simply react. We simply react to the behavior at hand and yell or punish. We don’t often think about why it is happening. Or you do, later on. For instance, when I am tired, I am impossible. I’ve been known to be sitting here working late at night and for Geo to walk in the room and ask where the milk is and for me to have an all out sobbing fest. It is just what happens to me when I get really tired. Don’t kids act the same way, when something simple is bothering them? Now imagine they’ve got things that aren’t so simple that is bothering them?

So yes, like Yondalla says..these parenting techniques are great. They can work. They can help you stay calm. And besides, we should be praising our children more. Teaching them more. Punishing less.

But they aren’t a cure. They aren’t a fix. They aren’t even really what you need to know in order to take “behavioral” foster children.

Go read what Yondalla says. This is one reason I have 300 blogs in my reader, because I learn so much from other people.

As an aside, I had a good talk with Bug yesterday. She cracks me up sometimes. I had finished talking about the teacher and all that and then I said, “Oh, by the way, you can not pour full glasses of orange juice and then leave them on the counter when you go to school. Can you give me a reason why not?”

And Bug said, “Yeah! Because it is wasteful and it is half-butted.”

Hahahaa. I love that “half-butted” is my kid’s new descriptive phrase.

I also noticed that her behavior was so much better in the afternoon because she took her medicine when she got home from school. In fact, I was downstairs and I didn’t hear her moving around. (Normally it sounds like there is an elephant upstairs.) I went upstairs and she was sitting quietly in her room, weaving a potholder.

She used to take 5 mg of Adderall when she came home from school, maybe that would help.

But we had a good night:

Talking back/Arguing: 2

Tantrums: 0

Lying: 0

And I was praising like crazy since I felt bad about yesterday. We had 7 praises and 1 criticism.

Now the real question is: How am I going to get through tonight with no Grey’s?? Considering the TIVO is on my dresser, so I’m guessing Geo won’t be TIVOing half of it for me.

Technorati Tags: behavior, foster care, abuse, Grey’s Anatomy, parenting 

Dealing with some of Bug’s behavior is difficult. It is hard to know what is going on with her. For instance, I wrote her teacher about the fact that Bug’s planner comes home empty every night. And she wrote me back:

just had a chat with her….she is writing in it right now…. the
test
got put back… won’t be until next Monday…… she has been super
talkative…. seems like since she brought that thing to school that
her case worker made about her past…that’s all she wants to talk
about…. that bothers me…. she needs to be looking at the future
and not be reminded of her mom and her past….that’s my
opinion….she
too young…

Now, let’s ignore the teacher’s obvious lack of grammar and understanding of adoption issues. Bug has bringing what to school?? Her lifebook?? So I wrote her back. And I got this response:

It had when she lived at each foster home, then when she went back to
her mom, then back to foster homes.  a picture of her and her mom.  she
was saying that she can’t see her birth mom until she is eighteen.   i
told her to quit thinking about that.  she was with a mom that “Chose”
her because she truely loved her and wanted her to be her daughter and
was taking care of her in a wonderful way.

Well again, unless this is the first time you’ve read my blog, you understand that telling Bug to “quit thinking” about her birth mom is not something we endorse here.

However, Bug should not be bringing that book to school. First off, it contains private information. Information that I don’t put on the blog for instance. It also has the only picture we have of Bug’s mom and the only copy of her original birth certificate. So it is not something that we want to get lost or messed up.

You’ll also remember that Bug asked if she could bring her birth certificate to school to show her teacher. And a week ago, I found two pictures that Bug had brought to school..one of her brother, Eagle and one of her and Santa Claus from last year.

So I can look at all this, plus what I know about Bug, and assume that she is simply trying to get attention. She is horrible at knowing how to get attention from people in a positive manner. She wants constant attention from people…like her teacher or her coach and obviously they have other kids to deal with and can’t pay attention to her 100% of the time. Bug tells a lot of stories which simply aren’t true to get attention. She also knows, based on what this teacher has told me, that if she talks to her teacher about adoption then her teacher will talk to her about it (unfortunately.)

So my gut instinct is that Bug is looking for something that sets her apart. She wants attention, she gets attention by discussing these adoption things.

But of course, there is the voice in the back of my mind saying, “Is she having a hard time processing her adoption? Does she miss her mom? Does she miss her brother? Is she unhappy? Is she nervous about foster kids? Is she nervous about possibly adopting more kids? Is she angry? Is she depressed?”

I try to be very honest with Bug. We talk about her mom a lot. Bug talks to me about her mom a lot. Still, it took me aback when I read that email. And of course, it also hurts a little if I’m being honest. I know that Bug misses her mom and that is absolutely expected. But it stings a little.

It is always a guessing game to figure out what is going on with her. And on top of that, she also went to school without her medicine today (Thanks, closed pediatrician’s office) (and without her coat btw, thanks Geo)…and her teacher just wrote again and said she had to seclude her from the rest of the class because she would not be quiet.

I said recently that I was operating out of trial and error and one of you said that all of parenting is trial and error. I am finding out more and more why that is 100% true.

Technorati Tags: adoption, attention, behavior, school, lifebook