Let’s talk about preteens/teens and the net.

On Tuesday, the kiddos are going to have internet access. Right now, no one uses the internet because it is in my bedroom. But since Bug is doing virtual school and Izzy needs to be able to email her brother, I got a second phone line installed upstairs. The computer is in the living room, where nobody can have privacy. I created email accounts for the girls which hid their real names and ages.

Do you use some kind of net nanny program? Do you require your kids to use passwords that you set? Do you allow them to have myspace? Do you allow them to IM?

If yes, what ages are we talking about? Like I don’t mind Bug IMing me, Geo, her grandparents, etc or even kids we know. But I don’t want any of the kids emailing/IMing strangers.

As far as myspace goes…don’t they have to use their real names? Bug and Izzy are both in “hiding” as in their birthfamilies do not know their location. Do they have to put their locations? How does it work if you set your profile to private?

Also, Callie has expressed the desire to have an email penpal with someone. Does anyone have a teen her age that would be interested?

I just went upstairs to give all the kids the email addresses I created and I told them that we were going to be talking about internet rules before Tuesday. Bug asked if I had a lot of internet rules when I was her age.

Me: “I didn’t have the internet, Bug. I didn’t use internet for the first time until I went to college.”

Bug: “WHAT? How did you talk to Nana and Grandpa then? And you mean there weren’t any blogs back then????” 

I won’t bore you with the stories about how I was assumed to be enrolling for high school. I mean, you all knew they were coming right?

God, high school sucks. I wouldn’t want to be back in high school for anything. (Well, except maybe to be in the colorguard. That was cool.)

But since when did high school girls get so…skanky? Damn. Right when we walked in, there was some girl paying (in nickles) for her transcript. She had just graduated and was trying to register at the community college. She turned to me, sunglasses in one hand, designer bag in the other, and said, “Ugh. Seriously. Don’t wait to the last minute to get your transcript sent once you graduate. Because they totally make you prove that you graduate in order to go to college.”

Um. Thanks.

There was a huge number of girls who looked like they fell out of MTV. Cell phones, skirts, high heels. Much worse than I remember school being.

And of course, no one knew what to make me of me. The girl who looks 16 but is the mom to one biracial 16 year old and one 17 year old.

We had to meet with the assistant principals. One was a very stern looking bald man. The other was a loud guy, who you could tell bald man hated. He said, “Here’s what I tell all my new girls. Don’t get a boyfriend in the first two weeks. Because he’ll turn out to be some girl’s ex. And that girl with be CRAAAZY. And then you’ll have the crazy girl talking smack about you and then you’ll get in a fight.”

I thought that was good, practical advice.

They took Callie off to register, while I had to go meet with the special education people regarding Izzy. Izzy was really good natured (except for last  night when I vetoed her outfit. “What’s wrong with looking slutty.” she asked. “Everything” responded Callie.) She wanted to take PE and Art and it looked like they were going to be able to work that out for her. When I left, they were trying to get her to be able to take some sort of job program as well. She’ll be in special ed for all of her main subjects..math, science, English, etc.

When I was done with her, I went back to find Callie who was still waiting and looked like she was going to throw up. We finally got called into a counselor, who looked at me like she couldn’t quite figure out who I was. She asked Callie if she had thought about where she wanted to go to college and seemed kind of shocked when Callie said she wanted to be a truck driver.

Callie is going to have to repeat 10th grade, which is mostly due to her being hospitalized in the past. But the school has a program where you can make up credits and also night school, so between the two of them, we are hoping she will be able to graduate on time.

By the way, Callie’s choice for clothes for the first day of school? A t-shirt that said “I (skull and cross-bones) STUPID BOYS.

Right on Callie.

After that, I took my homeschoolers (Bug and Snowbaby) to get Build a Bear Happy Meals as a special treat.

Snowbaby and Bubba are just talking up a storm and doing so good on potty training. Snowbaby has pooped and peed in the potty since we’ve been home. God, I hope they get out of pullups and diapers. That will save so much money. The best part is that they are getting so vocal that it helps with behavior so much. Bubba was able to tell me last night that his ear hurt. Remember when he first came and he didn’t even know his name was Bubba? I mean, for a kid to walk up to me and say, “Mom. I don’t feel good. My ear hurts.” It blows me away. The other thing about Bubba that I love is that he answers “Yes” instead of “Yeah or Yup.” It sounds so formal coming from him. “Do you need to go potty? Yes.”

He’s so cute. I can’t wait for him to start school again, his teacher is going to be BLOWN away. “I see my teacher on Monday (that is the only time word he knows..he uses it to mean yesterday or tomorrow or really any day other than today.) and I tell her I’m a dude! I don’t wear no diapers no more.”

The little kids are supposed to visit with their mom for the first time in over a month tomorrow, so hopefully they don’t completely fall apart.

The house seems so quiet now with just Bug and Snowbaby here. I’m looking forward to starting school with Bug next week and getting to spend more time with just her. She’s been doing really good lately. She’s trying to earn a hermit crab.

Well, thats it for now. Happy first day of high school!

I’m trying to work my way through the mass of emails I have in my inbox. I have a bunch of questions from the blogathon and other times so I’m going to try to answer them…here is my first set of answers…

Humincat asked: Does she growl a lot, or does she want you to try
and scare away her hiccups?

Snowbaby likes to say “RARRRRR” to scare people. She was trying to scare away her hiccups.

Christine asked: So besides moving for reasons that do not include new job or great
place to live, how is the bio-mom doing on her case plan?

Also, you had written (during the blog-o-thon maybe??) that even a
young kid like Bubba shows the effects of neglect and stuff (I know that is
not how you worded it, sorry.) I was wondering if you could go into
more detail about how the younger kids were affected?

Bio-mom has not made any progress on her case plan. As far as the kids go..both the younger kids had significant developmental delays..not only in langauage but in social skills, gross motor skills, personal care skills. Bubba didn’t know his name. He had no concept of potty training.

Both kids have nightmares and night terrors. At times, they get excessively angry for no reason. Bubba cries A LOT. He will sometimes wake up and run out of his bed and point at something in the room when there is nothing there. Both kids, but especially Bubba, can be quite physically agressive. For a long time, Bubba did not hug or kiss anyone. He didn’t sing. He didn’t really know how to talk AT ALL.

Snowbaby was extremely aggressive with food. She would overstuff her mouth to the point of choking. She carried food with her all the time, even to bed. Once, in the grocery store, she sat down on the floor and banged her head on the ground.

Both kids had no concept of routines or discipline. They were afraid of the bath. They didn’t know how to sit at the table and eat. Both kids have thrown up in bed, and just went back to sleep in their vomit. They seemed completely confused when I told them they could have come and woken me up.

These are just a few examples of how they both definitely have issue related to their time with Mom and being in foster care. If you are considering adopting/fostering in this age group, you should do as much research as with an older child. A good book to read is called “The Weavers Craft.”

Cluttergirl asked if Geo takes the kids fishing.

Yes, he does.

Carrie asked: Do you think you have an influence on people that read your blog? How
do you feel about that?

Not sure if this is too personal so do not answer it if it is, but what
are the rules for the older kids in foster care in regards to birth
control? If the girls wanted to be on birth control would it be covered
under their health insurance? Is it a discussion that is simply between
the doctors and the girls?

Do I think I have an influence? Hmm. Well, I guess I do. I’ve gotten quite a few comments/emails from people saying that they have considering fostering because they read my blog. To me, that is a HUGE compliment. I also know that at times I make people mad, because they leave kind of mean comments.

I have a really thin skin, and sometimes blogging is hard for me because I get my feelings hurt. If people don’t comment or if I spend a lot of time writing something, and then it comes across wrong to the reader, that bothers me. There have been times that I’ve been really hurt by something someone says to me.

The reason I mention it is because the reason I keep blogging is because people have said that this blog has influenced them in a positive way. I don’t see myself as the spokesperson for foster care or anything. In the blog I try to show people the good and the bad. I want anyone who reads this to come away with the idea that foster care is challenging but there is so much that is rewarding about it.

In fact, it is the feedback I’ve gotten from the blog that has encouraged me to continue exploring the option of writing a book.

As far as the birth control issue..I’m not sure what happened in Izzy’s case because she was on birth control before she got here. But in Callie’s..she requested she be put on birth control. The request went to the social worker, who discussed it with the team. The team asked her birth mom for her opinion. However, because the team thought it was fine, if birth mom had said no, then they would have taken it to the judge. The judge can outrule the birth mom.

Ironically, the same thing goes for haircuts. When I got Callie a haircut, I had to get permission from the team. I had to get permission from Bubba’s birthmom to have his trimmed. Bubba’s birthmom, by the way, has always been complimentary about the kid’s hair and their clothes. She always tells me that the clothes I get are really cute.

All foster kids in my state are covered by medicaid, and medicaid covers their pills and the doctor’s visits. I’m trying to get approval from the team now to give both girls the vaccine for HPV, but haven’t gotten any response yet.

WordsofJoi asked: What time to
your older girls go to bed? Do they have a certain in-the-room and/or
light-out time?

On non-school days, the older girls do not have a set bedtime unless they are in trouble or being disruptive. On school days, the oldest girls have to be in their rooms by 10:30, Bug has to be in her room at 9. They are allowed to read though after that.

That reminds me..I meant to post our house rules..

More Q and A later.

Geo: Oh thank God you are up! I can’t do this anymore. I’ve wanted to wake you up twelve times to ask you questions. I think Bubba needs a new pullup but I don’t know how to check because he keeps telling me he’s dry and Callie burnt her finger and I made corndogs and french fries and onion rings for lunch and Snowbaby keeps talking to me and I don’t understand a WORD she is saying.

Seriously. I couldn’t do this. I hate my job, but I’d much rather go there everyday then stay at home. This is WAY too hard.

Wanted to post a little bit about our house rules and chore system.

Figured I would start with chores.

I have started using a system called Motivated Moms. It cost like $4 for the program.

You get a sheet for each week that specific tasks to do each day. I like it because it doesn’t take long to get the things done and if you do it each day, you tackle the cleaning things in your house like mopping and cleaning the bathroom and all. It even tells you to clip the kid’s nails which is good for me because I used to forget.

On the side is the daily chore list and this is what we used to make our chore system. I do all the laundry for the house because I am very particular about laundry. I don’t like my clothes being washed with the kid’s clothes or towels. (I’m a little OCD about this for some reason.) Everyone is in charge of their beds. Bubba and Snowbaby help me do theirs. I also cook dinner, but sometimes people help or they cook.

Callie, Izzy and Bug all get a weekly allowance. They are required to do three chores a day, plus each kid has one day (M, W, or F) when they clean out the van. The nine chores that they rotate on are feed the bird, clean the counters, load the dishwasher, clean the highchair, sweep, clean the table, vacuum the living room and guest bathroom, empty out the trash in the bathrooms and laundry room and take the trash to the dumpster, and clean the sink.

The chores rotate everyday and are listed on the family board. Each person also has a spot where I check off if they did their chore.

Now, there also is a spot where their allowance can increase or decrease. If they don’t do their chores or they don’t do them correctly, they lose a dollar. For instance, last night Bug told me her chores were done so she could watch TV, but when I checked she hadn’t done them at all. So she lost a dollar off her allowance. That dollar was now available to be earned. Callie and Izzy did Bug’s chores and each earned an extra fifty cents. They also are allowed to sell their chores. So if Callie doesn’t want to do her chores, she can lose a dollar off her allowance and Izzy could do them and earn her dollar.

Money is also lost for behavior problems. If you break a house rule, money gets deducted off your allowance. This actually is a good system because it keeps me from getting frustrated. I just deduct the money and am done with it.

The other thing on the family board is the food spot. Every child is required to come to the table at dinner and they are required to eat what we are having. Except that children who are 15 and older are allowed to not eat the family meal twice a week, and children younger than 15 are allowed to not eat the family meal once a week. If they take their non-family meal option, then they can have leftovers, cereal, salad or PB&J.

Since I started this program, it has pretty much eliminated the struggles I was having with getting people to eat. The kids also are required to keep their rooms somewhat neat. If they aren’t, they lose $1 for having a sloppy looking room.

I use part of the kid’s DFS money to pay for their allowances. I think it is very important that they get allowances to help them learn how to manage their money. Of course, payday is tomorrow and Bug only has 75 cents left of her allowance because she didn’t do her chores and she had behavior issues. But the bigger girls have all of theirs and are saving to buy pre-paid cell phones.

This goes back to what I said yesterday. I stress about money, but we aren’t nearly as broke as some people. My bills are paid, we have food, we have a vehicle. We don’t have a ton of extra money and things get tight sometimes. We could afford to go to a movie, but we can’t go to DisneyWorld. I could buy a purse at Walmart, but I can’t afford a Coach bag. Likewise, I can afford to give the kids small allowances to help them learn the value of money. It also helps me deal with situations where they want me to buy something for them. I can tell them that they can have something, but they need to spend their own money on it. 

More on our house rules later.

Yesterday was Callie’s birthday.

With the missing $382, things were a little more tight than I wanted. But I promised her a haircut (she hadn’t gotten one in 7 years because no one would take her), eyebrow waxing and a manicure plus an outifit to wear to the theater.

On Friday we went to the store. And then another store and then back to the same store. Callie couldn’t figure out what she wanted and she didn’t like the way things looked on her. Meanwhile, Bug was grabbing things off the shelf and having a fit because she couldn’t get a new outfit. Izzy was in the dressing room trying on things and when I said, “Well, it looks nice but I’m not buying everyone new outfits” she said, “Ok, you can just buy me the shirt then.”

After that, I took the kids to the goodwill. That is one of their favorite places to go because they are good at finding the good stuff and I’m much more likely to buy jeans for 3 or 4 dollars than fifty or sixty. I know some people are anti-thrift shop, but my kids love it. And if you look hard enough, you can find some really nice stuff.

That trip went ok, but then the next day, I decided we would go do haircuts, Callie’s manicure, and then go to the pool. I dressed the little kids in swim diapers and put clothes on over their swimsuits.

Getting the haircuts was a disaster. Snowbaby and Bubba would not calm down, Bug got chastized for hair cleanliness (again), Izzy threw a fit, and Callie sat and complained that other people got haircuts and that only she should get them.

$80 later, I sent Callie to get her nails done while we went into the store. I noticed that Snowbaby and Bubba had gotten themselves soaked through the swim diapers. Of course, I had no change of clothes. When I told Bubba he should have gone to the potty, he pulled the slip I was buying over to him and SAT ON IT. So now my new slip was covered in pee. Bug wanted nail polish and Snowbaby was screeching and neither Bubba nor Snowbaby would walk. I had to carry their pee covered bodies back to the nail place. Where Callie hadn’t even got started yet. Frustrated, I went to wait in the van with the little kids and then Callie got in the car and immediately started complaining about the nail place.

Finally I said, “Listen. I don’t mind buying you guys things or taking you places. I like doing it. But there are five kids in this family. And I don’t have a money tree. Not everyone is going to get everything they want. That is why you have an allowance. I am spending a ton of money this weekend to make sure you all look nice and have nice outfits to wear to the theatre. The tickets to the theatre were very expensive. It will cost another $100 bucks for us to drive up there and park.

I can not put up with constant whining, complaining and no manners. I don’t care if you are grateful or not, but you will at least say thank you. And you will stop whining. Is that understood?”

Nobody said anything.

“Is that understood?”

“Me mom?” said Bubba.

“All of you. Is that understood?”

“Yes, Ma’am” said Bug.

“Ok” said Snowbaby and Bubba.

The older girls didn’t say anything.

I was pissed.

I had calmed down by yesterday morning. I think I got so frustrated because I don’t have a ton of extra money and I was trying to do something really nice and nobody seemed to give a damn. But by Sunday, they were all very excited to go to the show. (I don’t think my dad was excited though, because he had an all day stretch with Bubba and Snowbaby. And Snowbaby is going through a “I need to be physically attached to Momma at all time, or I scream” phase.)

The girls looked pretty in their dresses and actually, I looked pretty damn good myself. Geo was in a surprisingly good mood and we made good time to the theatre. Callie had a sobbing fit once we got there, but that was almost textbook. She was celebrating an important birthday without her family. She was sad. But once she got calmed down and the show started, everyone was very happy. The show was really good. I’ve seen it before and I liked the previous cast better, but the girls were enthralled.

In the opening scene, Callie leaned over and whispered, “Is that lady REALLY singing?” and when I told her she was, she just grinned.

Bug said, “Well, I’ve seen a lot of theatre so I know what is good.” (She’s seen four shows.) “I liked it better than Cats, but I don’t know which was better. Wicked or this. I don’t know. I’ll get back to you.”

All in all, it turned out to be a really good trip. And when I returned home, Callie handed me a note which read:

Momma Baggage (Tell Geo thanx too for me!),

I just wanted to properly thank you! Thank you so much for doing what you have for me! I am extremely grateful even if sometimes it doesn’t seem that way but I truly am! I thought it would be easier for me to write down what I wanted to say. Thank you soooooo much for the greatest 16th birthday a girl could ask for. Sorry if I complain too much, but I AM grateful.

Love always,

Callie

Callie: Oh hell no. No doctor is sticking anything near my girly parts.

*****

Me: Yeah, besides, you could get an STD and die.

Bug: Not me, I got the shot.

Me: The shot doesn’t prevent all STDs.

Bug: Well that is stupid. What a rip off.

*****

Izzy: I can’t wait to start school. I want to find out who the boys are.

Callie: That was so not the right thing to say on the way back from getting birth control.

*****

Bug: I want birth control.

Me: Why in the world would you need birth control?

Bug: I want it.

Me: Bug. You don’t have your period and you aren’t having sex.

Bug: So?

Me: So then birth control is pointless for you.

Bug: Yeah, but I don’t want bilogic babies. I want to adopt.

*****

Me: Maybe I should add that to the family rules. No sex allowed.

Callie: Yeah, no sex until you turn 30.

Bug: Then Geo can have sex. Did you know he was allowed to have sex once? Because he got married. So he was allowed.

*****

Callie: They were really nice to me. But still it was like, “Hey, nice to meet you, let’s chat, now let me attack your cervix with a brush.” And then Snowbaby got a lollipop. SO unfair.

*****

Bug: Mom, do you have genital warts?

*****

Bug: Well, if you guys have any questions about the sperm and the egg you can ask me. Mommy bought me a book.

Callie says that a lot. “I don’t mean to sound stupid but…” She said it last night after she cried and she said it today when she was saying she was excited about the day we have planned for tomorrow.

I’ve been reassuring her that expressing how she feels is not stupid at all.

We had a good food day today. I’ve been encouraging her to help me come up with meals that she would like. Today she wanted chicken stir fry, so we went to the store together and got the stuff. Bug was not at all impressed, but Callie ate the whole thing with a smile on her face. Callie also spent a good deal of time going through my cookbooks and marking down recipes that she thought she would like.

I’m trying to get her involved in the meal decisions. I’m not sure how much truth there is to the list of foods she doesn’t like, but I also know I went through periods of time where I hated certain foods, like Ranch dressing. You also have to remember she came from one home where I’m sure they ate different things than we eat. Moving to a new home is difficult. She has to get used to what we eat, and what we drink, and what we like. And of course, she is also a teenage girl who would like to lose some weight. It is a delicate balance.

And of course, what the hell do I know? I’ve never parented an almost 16 year old. Sometimes I wonder how in the world I ended up being mom to a 15, 11, 3 and 2 year old. No freaking idea. So much of parenting is a crap shoot anyway. What works with one kid doesn’t with the other. What should be effective isn’t because your kid is in foster care. But I’ve noticed that I’m definitely a lot more confident in my parenting skills than I was a year ago. Which is good, I guess, since I’m now responsible for a lot more people!

***

Building up some good nutrition habits in children early can help them throughout their lives

That was a big long bit of reviewing!

Things are going OK here. We had a meeting with our local caseworker this morning and I talked to the other caseworker last night and I was able to get some of this anxiety about working/money off my chest. Of course, everything takes so much time. This person has to send it to this person who has to send it to this person to approve. And once it is approved, it has to be processed in the system. So while nothing is an immediate fix, I feel a little more confident that the ball is in motion.

Speaking of ball, Bug played in her first softball game on Tuesday. I was thrilled. I’m a huge baseball fan and while I went to her soccer and basketball games, I wasn’t really into it. I’m so excited she is playing softball and it seems to be a better fit for her. Soccer and basketball were too intense and she seemed to get overwhelmed in the middle of the game. Here team lost, but Bug was happy with how she played and she didn’t have any behavior issues at all.

Today I’m working on posting some house rules. I’ve been meaning to do this for a long time. I don’t mind giving Callie freedom, but there have been some conflicts. For instance, she doesn’t want to eat anything I cook. So she won’t eat it, then Bug tries to not eat it, and then Callie will go into the kitchen later and cook something different for her to eat. Except she will use up all the cheese, which I was going to use for tomorrow’s dinner. And then she’ll leave the oven on all night.

And it is my fault, because I need to set specific guidelines as to what I think is acceptable. I don’t mind if she helps herself to a snack, but I do mind if she cooks an entire meal for herself without checking with me. I don’t mind her saying “crap” or “damn” but I do object to calling someone a “fag.”

But she has no way of knowing this, and so I think that a family meeting is in order to go over the rules in the house and what is expected. Once I’ve got them done, I’ll post them.

Do you have any strange house rules?

…A new mystery from Baggage Line pictures…

IN A SMALL TOWN IN AMERICA, ONE WOMAN STRUGGLES TO MAINTAIN HER SANITY WHILE SOLVING THE NATION’S BIGGEST MYSTERY.

She was given the hot wings by her biological mother in a zip lock bag. In a rage of anger, she insisted that she eat them RIGHT NOW.

“But Butterfly, PawPaw threw them away,” quipped Bug oh so sweetly.

WILL THE RAGING EVER STOP?

“Mommy,” says Butterfly. “I found my hotwings underneath the bathroom sink.”

“Throw hot wings away?” says PawPaw. “Why the hell would I throw hot wings away?”

DID BUG HIDE THE HOT WINGS UNDER THE BATHROOM SINK? DID BUTTERFLY? OR IS IT THE INNOCENT LOOKING BABY WHO REALLY IS A HIGHLY ADVANCED SPACE ROBOT?

WILL BUTTERFLY EVER STOP WRITING ON FURNITURE WITH PERMANENT MARKER?

WILL BUG EVER STOP TELLING LIES THAT MAKE NO SENSE?

WILL MY KITCHEN STOP SMELLING LIKE ROTTEN HOT WINGS?

“Mama, Bug and Butterfly BAD,” says Bubba of Boating Monthly.

If you see no other movies this year, SEE THIS ONE.

(Rated PG-13 for violence, rampant use of the “B word” and vivid scenes of rotting chicken.)