Bug just drew the lucky winners of what she called “the body book”…”Cycle Savvy” by Toni Weschler.

The winners are:

1. TGZ

2. Jess

3. Fostermama

and an honorable mention to OmegaMom, who Bug decided had the coolest name EVER and so she is sending you her copy of Cycle Savvy because “she knows all that stuff anyway.”

Congratulations!! If you won, send me an email with where you want the book to be sent.

Technorati Tags: contests, Cycle Savvy, TTC

I almost forgot to post my Holidailies today. I guess it would have counted because I did post earlier, but I’ve been trying to do a dedicated Holidailies post.

Except I have no motivation to write. I hate dialup. HATE IT. It is so slow. I can’t get anything to work. My own blog takes 45 minutes to come up. It takes six years for a lonelygirl video to load.

I want to kill dial up.

In other news, I’m ovulating out of the Galinda side, which means that this month would have been worthless in terms of baby making anyway. So guess that means the BDH was good choice.

Except for the dialup.

HATE DIALUP.

Technorati Tags: internet

One afternoon, I started having pretty bad pains directly over my ovary. I went to the bathroom and this *glob* of stuff came out. It was like a jellyfish. I FREAKED out. I had a friend drive me to the emergency room. I had a pelvic exam done.

What was wrong with me? Oh, I was ovulating.

Now, this story wouldn’t be nearly as embarassing if my “friend” wasn’t really my Staff Sergeant and I hadn’t been 21 and married at the time. It was only later, when reading Toni Weschler’s Taking Charge of Your Fertility that I realized that the jellyfish was actually egg white cervical mucous.

Oh boy, did I feel like an idiot.

When the fine folks over at Mother Talk asked me to review Toni Weschler’s new book Cycle Savvy: The Smart Teen’s Guide to the Mysteries of Her Body, I was really excited. First, because no one ever asks me to review anything, and second because I immediately recognized the name. Looking at the other people who reviewed this book, I see that many of them credit Ms. Weschler with the conception of their child. (indirectly of course!) Unfortunately, Ms. Weschler’s book couldn’t fix my screwed up anatomy, but the things that I know about my fertility (or lack thereof) come from her book.

Cycle Savvy is aimed at girls 14 to 18. It is similar to TCOYF in that it explains how to use your temperatures and other fertility signs to find when you are most fertile.

Wait, what?? Why would you want 14 year old girls to know when they are fertile??

That’s the conflict present in this book. How much knowledge is too much knowledge? If Bug knows that she is fertile, will she try to have the sex then to get pregnant? Will she just avoid the sex the rest of the time?

I think Ms. Weschler does a good job explaining why teenage girls should learn about fertility awarness. She points out the usefulness in knowing when your period is coming, knowing the difference between normal vaginal secretions and an infection, knowing if your bleeding or pain is normal or abnormal. She also says in pretty straight-forward terms that you should not use this information to avoid getting pregnant because of STDs and the fact that only adults in a committed relationship should attempt to use the fertility awareness method to avoid pregnancy.

Of course, I can see parents who would be nervous about giving their child this book because they feel that it is better if their kid didn’t know. In a world where we preach abstinence, should we be teaching young girls how to recognize their fertility signs?

I think so. I think that understanding your body is crucial for women. The more familiar you are with your body and the more invested you become in understanding how it works…the more likely you are to want to protect it and take care of it. I had sex quite early and I can honestly say that at the time I had NO idea what my body was doing, or how to adequately protect myself. I think empowering teenagers to see what their body is capable of is a good thing.

Plus, I think there is a gap in how we teach girls about sex and their bodies. For instance, Bug knows that an egg is released, and if no sperm goes near the egg, then the egg will go out of her body and she will have a period. But she doesn’t understand the timing of it. She doesn’t understand when the egg is released or how ovulation really works. And we have a lot of talks about bodies and reproduction in our house.

Now, do I honestly see Bug taking her temperature every morning? No way. I can’t even get her to put a toothbrush in her mouth every morning. Do I think teenage girls would do it? Probably not. But Bug has seen me with a thermometer in my mouth in the morning and she understands that your temperature goes up after your egg comes out and goes back down when you have your period. She thinks it is cool. Simply having this knowledge would be beneficial to girls.

I’d recommend this book starting around 12 or 13. It’s written a little too above Bug’s head at 10. Parents should also be aware that there are some frank discussions about sex in the book, written as personal accounts from teenage girls. There is a girl who terminated the pregnancy and I believe one who made an adoption plan for her baby. There are girls who regret having sex and those who do not.

Some parts of the book I’ve shared with Bug already. Almost 1/3rd of the book is made up of the appendix and glossary, which has charts and STI information, places to go for more information, etc. The book is pink and has cartoons, quizzes, and little quotations from other teens mixed throughout. Bug doesn’t really like pink, but she said that the girl on the front was “pretty” and wanted me to tell you that “teaching girls about their body is important because your body does weird things but that is OK but you have to get someone to explain it to you or else you will be freaked out.”

There will be a lot of parents who shy away from this book because it has such frank discussions about sex. It goes into a lot of details about your body and what the heck it is doing once a month.

I want Bug to understand her body, to be proud of it. To not be ashamed of it. I think the best way to do this is to give information. Teach her to respect her body, not by shaming her, but by giving her knowledge. Let’s face it, I wanted to go find this boy “Ryan” that she was talking about yesterday and smack him around a bit, despite her assurances that they weren’t going to “kiss” or “hold hands” or “have the sex.” But in the end, our girls are going to make decisions for themselves. And as parents, we need to send them out in the world as educated as we can. This book is a great start, and will be on our shelf along with some of the more basic body books for Bug to continue to read as she grows older.

Would you like a chance to read Cycle Savvy: The Smart Teen’s Guide to the Mysteries of Her Body for FREE? I have been given three copies of the book to give away to you fine folks. If you want to win a copy, leave a comment on this post that tells us what you wish you had known about your body.

Make sure I have a way to reach you. Bug will be drawing three random winners who will get their very own copy.

Technorati Tags: fertility, Cycle Savvy, TCOYF, teens

*** Women’s medical information can be found online from various sources, and amongst the most important is pregnancy info considering the fact that many parents-to-be aren’t as informed on modern pregnancy information and safety concerns as they could be.

I received a comment and I figured I would talk about it here since it was something I was planning on talking about anyway.

Catherine said:

Erm, you don’t have to draw up legal papers to have a baby with your boyfriend. There’s already a legal status for it, and it’s called “father.” In fact, if tried to define the relationship through paperwork, it would probably not be valid.

Well first off, he’s not my boyfriend. Second, we are not talking in terms of having a “baby with your boyfriend.” We’re talking about a known sperm donor. It’s a shaky legal area. If I buy sperm from the sperm bank, is that a father? Yes, this is the child’s father. But can I seek out the sperm donor and sue him for child support? No.

If I had a child by sperm donation, there would be no father listed on the birth certificate. Likewise, women can choose not to list fathers on the birth certificate. Even weirder is after adoption. Bug has a birth certificate that lists me as her mother, even though I was in English class at the time. And she has no father listed.

Now, this obviously doesn’t negate the fact that she has a father.

If Geo and I decided to go with a known donor route, and NOT as having a baby TOGETHER, he would still be the biological father. But his role would be no different than if he was an anonymous sperm donor. Should he have to pay me child support? What if I put down no father on the birth certificate? What if we agreed that he would just give sperm and have NO contact with the baby? Just as if he was an anonymous sperm donor? But then a year down the road he changes his mind and says that he wants custody of the baby? Does he have a right, as the biological father? Does an anonymous sperm donor?

The problem is, the law doesn’t really cover all these things really well. And the law tends to favor mothers. If I don’t put down a father on the birth certificate, then Geo has no rights. He has to go out and prove the child is related to him and then petition the court for rights. That isn’t fair to him.

So if we were to enter into some type of parenting agreement, we would put it in writing, have it witnessed and notarized and also to speak to a lawyer. Sort of like a parenting pre-nup. Why? Because we both want to protect our self interests. Say Geo is willing to provide sperm for the baby but he does not want to be involved in raising the child. I am happy with that decision. The baby is born, and then six months later, I think this is too hard. I want help. So I take Geo to court, establish paternity, and make him pay child support. Like Catherine said, legally he is the father. But that is not how we conceived this child. We conceived it no differently than if he was a sperm donor. So is that fair to him?

From what I’ve found out, states vary in how they handle these situations because they are relatively new. I’ve read instances where the father is allowed to relinquish his rights, similar to if he was making an adoption plan for a child.

Here is one website that has some forms related to this.

Regardless of what we did legally, if Geo and I went this route, we would draw up a parenting contract. We’ve done something similar in our discussions with Bug. I’ve given him guardianship of her. I’ve written out what my expectations are for her being raised. We’ve discussed his role in her life now..for instance, can he discipline her? Can he make decisions about her without consulting me? Can he administer medicine to her without my knowledge? Those types of things. These kinds of things are important when you are dealing with non traditional families.

So even if our state would not recognize any other form of relationship except that Geo is the biological father and he has all rights associated with that, then we would STILL write something up. First, because if we ever did get into some kind of court situation we would have this paper to show the judge that “hey..this is what we originally said.” Because sure, Geo and I can say that things are this way, etc, but what if he marries some lady next year that wants that baby with him now? So things obviously could change.

The second reason is that I think defining some of these things are important prior to any big relationship move. If Geo and I decide to have a baby TOGETHER, and not in a sperm donation capacity, we would still write a contract together. We would talk about guardianship and what would happen if we split up and financial responsibility and who will pay for the baby’s college if he marries some other girl.

Not because we don’t trust each other, but because it is vital to ensure that you are on the same page when you are legally making yourself connected to one another. Nobody wants to make a pre-nup, but half of us get divorced.

If Geo’s sperm met with my screwed up body and created a baby, he would be the father no matter what. The child, just as Bug knows who her bio father is, would know that he was the father. The child would know why we did what we did.

But we also need to be smart, find out how our state would view this situation, and discuss with each other how exactly each one wants to be involved in the child’s life and how best we can handle this to ensure that the child is never caught in some tug of war between us. Because I can say that Geo would never do that, or I would never do that..but who really knows? Things change, people change, and 18 years will pass as the child is growing up.

This is why the thing with Geo is a lot more complicated than just get him drunk off vodka tonics and get knocked up. I want to make sure that everyone in this situation is happy. I know it can work, I’ve read stories of some of you in your blogs that have made it work.

That all being said, I have no idea if we’ll even consider this path at some point. I would say that it is more likely that we would get back together and decide to have a child together inside our relationship rather than through a sperm donation situation. But I don’t know. I can only wait and see.

And in the meantime, explore other avenues of adding to the family.

So yesterday started off like any other day really.

I woke up from this dream I had about Grey’s Anatomy and I felt quite proud of myself. I’m not sure why. The dream had something to do with McDreamy being upset because Meredith was distant, and he thought it was his fault because he wasn’t being romantic enough. So he was doing all these things for her and she was getting more distant and then turns out that she had slept with Sloan and that was really the reason. But I’m not sure where I fit into this. Whether I was Meredith, or I knew all this, or I wrote the episode, or I worked at Seattle Grace or what.

But I woke up feeling quite proud of myself.

Then I asked Bug if she was wearing a bra and she said yes and I said which one and she said her tan one. But I could tell she was lying. I don’t know how, I think I have acquired that top secret Mom sense. So I told her to come here and I pulled down the side of her shirt. No straps.

So she told me that she was wearing it with the straps hanging down. Hahaha. Nice try.

Well, then the day just turned to crap after that really. A lot of people have talked about the shipping for the sperm being really high, but I don’t think it is unreasonable. The package weighs over 25 lbs, as obviously the vials need to be protected and temperature controlled. They ship you the dewar here and then also to ship it back. So we’re talking two way shipping, on a large package, that has to move very quickly by DHL.

So it’s going to be expensive. I don’t know why I didn’t realize that.

And then some other crappy things happened which I won’t go into here as it would just be more of me whining.

But all in all, I couldn’t get past the idea of this plan I had just going all to hell. At less than $200 a vial, I could justify shooting it up there without knowing whether I was ovulating off of my good side or the bad side. But once we started talking $350 or $500..I just can’t.

I would feel totally different if I had two sides that worked. But I don’t. I could theoretically get an ultrasound to see which side I was ovulating on, but that would do me no good as the sperm has to be ordered two weeks prior to the ovulation. I could get one done this month and then assume that the other side will go next month, but that isn’t certain either.

This is different from IVF or even IUI because those things are able to be planned more precisely. This is just me guessing. And I pick the wrong side, I just throw the money away.

Then I got to thinking about what I really want. What do I want?

I want Bug to be taken care of. I want to be able to comfortably provide for her. I want to have a nice house that we can all live comfortably in and be happy.

I want to add children to the family that are close to Bug’s age.

I want to raise a child from birth.

When I really thought about it, I don’t necessarily want to be pregnant. And I really could care less about the biological connections. I want a baby.

So now what? What are my options?

1. Go ahead with the sperm donation.

2. Take the money I would have used for sperm donation and use it to get a bigger house (I’m planning on getting a bigger house anyway, but this would help) that would be more conducive to fostering.

3. Start saving money for another form of adoption (perhaps international).

4. Work out something with Geo regarding sperm.

Right now, I don’t feel comfortable going ahead with the sperm donation. I’m not sure if that will change once I let a few days go by. But I just can’t justify throwing 500 dollars up my cha each month when that 500 could do so much good in other ways.

Geo and I have actually talked about the sperm donation thing several times. He has a friend who was the known donor for a lesbian couple. He had kind of a bad experience as the couple promised that he would be able to have a relationship with the child, but then changed their minds. (This is all coming third party so I don’t know any of this for sure) Anyway, Geo is concerned that he wouldn’t want to just be a “donor” so to speak, he would want to be involved. But that idea scares him. I’m not sure whether I want a co-parent, although I think Geo is an excellent co-parent to Bug. More so every day. So obviously we would have a ton of talking to do, legal papers to draw up, etc. But it is not a definite no, but it’s nowhere close to even being a maybe.

The house thing..I’m excited about that. This house is way too small. For a little bit more money, I could rent a nice place with four bedrooms and a garage in a nice neighborhood. I’ve been talking about moving already, for instance, if I was chosen for that sibling group I’m interested in, I would have to.

I guess there are no clear cut answers. Obviously I could be called for a foster child next week that ended up staying. Maybe the sperm thing would work out with Geo. Maybe I would decide to go to Guatemala or something.

I don’t know. All I know is that I was ready to start trying this month, I mean, I had my check card in my hand. And then it got smacked out.

And it hurts.

Oh, and then I got my period. Because of course I needed something to cap off my day.

And did I mention this was the day that Geo and I were going to get married?

Yeah.

This concludes this whine session.

And here is another shining example to prove that my math skills suck.

I just got everything approved at the sperm bank, but somehow I failed to realize I would have to pay shipping on the sperm. And that the shipping was around $160 bucks.

Damn. It.

So I was thinking one vial a month would cost me around $200 bucks, when in reality it will cost me $350. And if I tried two vials, it would be around $530.

Ugh. I don’t know what to do.

It’s not that I don’t have the money really. It’s just that I don’t know what is the best choice. I don’t know what to do and I went from feeling really happy to really sad.

Edited to add:

I guess what I mean is that if I added another 350 to my rent (the cost of one vial) I could rent a big new four or five bedroom house with a two car garage and a big yard and stuff. I could have a nice set up for foster kids. I could save money for another form of adoption. But each time I spend 350 dollars and it bounces off my stupid ass dead ovary, then it’s gone and wasted.

But if it worked, just one time, then presumably I’d have a baby. But just because I don’t try now doesn’t mean I’ll never have a baby. There are other ways. Maybe things would change and I wouldn’t need the sperm donor thing.

Anyway, I’m just sad.

Despite my success with the scheduling of appointments, today has not been a good day. I’m not sure what exactly is wrong with me. My head feels FULL. I feel stressed out and anxious. There is no real reason why. I feel paralyzed to do anything, and each minute I do something other than what I am supposed to be doing, I feel panicked.

I’ve gone completely off the wellbutrin. I don’t want to be on anything like that when I’m trying for baby Eldoo. I thought I was doing ok..I had some massive withdraw headaches, but as far as the depression goes, I was doing ok. I felt happy, as witnessed by yesterday’s post.

I definitely think that seasonal affect disorder has something to do with how I feel. I’ve been diagnosed with that before. I need one of those light boxes that American Family raves about. Because seriously? At 1 am I feel wide awake. But right now (5:51 pm) I want nothing more but to go to sleep.

I even contemplated popping one of Bug’s adderall. And I didn’t. Because remember when Lynette on Desperate Housewives became addicted?? Yes, that’s me. Basing my choices on freaking Desperate Housewives. Next thing you know I’ll be burying my toolbox in the woods.

I think a combination of things are at work…one, I do have a lot of work going on. It is the last week of school before finals, I’m trying to get the foster care stuff in, I’m trying to get the damn sperm bank to understand that just because my driver’s license has another address on it, I really do live here.

I also think that it has something to do with the fact that I NEVER GO ANYWHERE. I mean, most days I leave the house just to go pick up Bug. Sometimes I go to the grocery store. But I need to go somewhere.

Geo was going to come over and do a tune up on my van, but bless his heart, he offered to come over and help me clean the house instead. If I at least had a clean bedroom, I would be less panicked. I think I’m going to see if we can go out to eat. If I got out and ate, I think I would feel better.

You know, although this post sounds pathetic, I’m proud of myself. I used to feel this way ALL the time when I was in college the first time. And I couldn’t deal with it at all, and so I did the only logical thing..I cut myself.

But I’ve reached the point of mental stability where I can tell when I’m not feeling good, and I can try to arrange things so that I feel better. It sounds like a small thing, but to me it is huge.

How do depressed people have babies? How am I supposed to get through TTC without my wellbutrin? Can you request a C-section? Because if somebody has to keep checking my cha, I swear I’ll have a nervous breakdown. Britney did it, didn’t she? And then I read something about pooping while delivering a baby and that made me have a nervous breakdown. Am I definitely going to get PPD? Have I told you how strange it is to have a quiet house because Bug has been reading for TWO HOURS STRAIGHT?
This concludes my mental health update.

Aurelia asked if my comment about Geo sex was a big hint that we are back together and the answer is “NOPE.”

And I’m happy.

We’ve been hanging out, he’s been doing things with Bug, we’ve been having fun. We’ve had some very serious talks in which I learned a lot. There were some things that I thought were quite clear between us which apparently weren’t clear at all. I was quite shocked about the way he felt about certain things, some very good and some not so good. In the end, I felt like we were forced to take a really hard look at some things and we both learned a lot in the process.

In the meantime, we have been getting along good. He truly is my best friend, and I’m glad that I didn’t have to throw that away.

As I explained on my TTC blog it is all a matter of timing. I want to try for kids now. I don’t want to wait. Although I would like to have kids with him some day, the biological makeup of my children is not important to me. The only reason I am trying to have a biological baby is because I want to raise a child from close to birth. I don’t care that the child will be related to me biologically. And I don’t really care if a child is related to Geo or not. (Except it would be cheaper to try than sperm donation!)
It all is unconventional and kind of strange, but it is working for us. I don’t know what will happen in the future. Maybe we will end up married. Maybe we will live together as roommates. Either way, after talking to Bug’s shrinks and doing a lot of thinking, I could not in good conscious eliminate someone who loved her and she loved out of her life, simply because he talked to some other girls on the phone. He didn’t sleep with them, he didn’t even take them out to dinner. He has gone out of his way to try to rectify the situation, he’s admitted he was wrong, he has offered to go to counseling..he’s done everything he can do to make it up to me. And in retrospect, some of the things I was doing (probably as a result of my stress and depression over the surgery and the after effects) were not at all good and were unfair to him.
But that is between me and him, and not Bug. Bug has lost SO much in her life, she doesn’t need to lose the person who plays four-square with her and lets her work on race cars and tries to show her how to bowl.

Geo and I don’t want to lose each other either. Maybe we’ll never end up married and live happily ever after, but for now, we are all happy. We care enough about each other and about Bug to make a situation that works for all of us.

It’s working for us and we are happy.

Bug got her interim report about a week ago and she had all B’s and one C+ in social studies. This was the best interim (or report card) she has ever gotten. I was quite impressed.

Even more impressive was the fact that she is reading ALL THE TIME. I’m not sure what switched on in her head, but she isn’t even allowed to read Babysitter’s Club books for her school reading level anymore. She is above them. She was working her way through my “Series of Unfortunate Events” books and was reading “The Secret Garden.” She said, “I liked the movie so I figured I would give the book a try.”

She always has a book in her hand. She reads in the bathroom, in the car, and on the bus. For me, it is one of the greatest things that I have witnessed in the past year. Not only does she read, but it has improved her spelling and her writing. I’m no longer as worried as I was before.

I went shopping yesterday. I had planned on leaving around 5 am, but when I woke up I felt so sick that I said, “screw that.” But I had already gotten a babysitter, so I decided to travel to the “small city” so I could go to real stores like Target and ToysRUs and the mall. Of course, it takes about an hour and a half to get there and it is the most boring drive ever. It’s a straight shot through cotton fields. (Although I think seeing cotton on the side of the road is cool.)

There are many strange things on the ride though. There are a lot of God billboards, including one that talks about Jesus’ cheekbones and apparently was put up there by a man who says he saw Jesus and that he had bangs. There are several adoption ones, including one that shows a cute baby and says, “2 Million Couples Are Waiting to Adopt.”

Which..OK? I am guessing this is aimed at pregnant woman, which is just crummy. Hey! There are two million couples who want your baby! Not to mention, what about us single folks? We want your baby too, damn it! Include us on the billboard!

There is also an abortion graveyard thing, that has a gigantic painting of Jesus and a field of white crosses which I guess represent aborted fetuses.

I don’t think I need to tell you that I was bursting with the Christmas spirit by the time I got to the mall.

Target was a madhouse with people literally cart to cart. It was kind of fun though. I did manage to find a Bratz doll for $9 bucks. And it was one that was fully dressed, which is my requirement, which elimates 99% of Bratz dolls. (Yes, I know, friends don’t let friends buy Bratz, but this one is actually cute, not slutty). I got Bug this kick ass Mustang remote contol car for half price. And I made it to Best Buy and ToysRus too.

Oh! And I heard a woman ask a very skinny woman with a tiny little flabby stomach if she expecting. It was god awful. Especially since the woman, who was not expecting, was getting ready to fit the other woman for a bra. And who the hell stole all the XS panties from Victoria’s Secret?? Not that I was shopping for myself. I was Christmas shopping!

(I also got a pair of Old Navy Jeans for 10 bucks. For me. Shhh!)

And to top off the day I got to talk with my mom about sperm again, particuarly about if me and Geo have “the sex” and I use donor sperm, how will I know who the baby’s daddy is??

Answer: Maury Povich. Duh Mom.