So a little while ago, Geo and I had a talk. I was unhappy. He was unhappy. Things have never been right since the “phone call” incident and really..I guess they weren’t right before either because all of that was happening. Although we care about each other, he wasn’t able to do what he needed to do to make it work and I wasn’t willing to accept less than what I was willing to accept.

So we decided to part ways. I wasn’t sure if we could be friends because we are never good at being friends..we always end up in this “we aren’t together but we’re together” thing that is pointless.

And I sat down to write about this on my blog when the phone rang. It was the social worker wanting to know if I could pick up Butterfly, Bubba and Snowbaby.

So all this time, Geo and I have no been together. He’s been around because he almost had to..things were nuts and I needed help and I needed some cash and I was overwhelmed.

But as things are settling down, he’s been here less and less and we’re talking less and less and as you can imagine, the timing somewhat blows.

It is what it is and I’m lonely and sad and wishing I could have someone who would hold me at night when I can’t think because I’m so damn tired. (Do any of you have a brother?..haha)

But it is what it is and now we are all up to date.

Also, I have three styes in one eye. It hurts. Real bad. Real bad. The styes too.

Bubba loves the hell out of Geo.

When he walks through the door, Bubba jumps up and screams DADDY!!!!!

Bubba doesn’t talk much at all. He mostly stays quiet. But if he does talk, he is talking about DAD TAKE ME.

In the morning, Bubba and Snowbaby talk to each other. I don’t understand most of it. Sometimes they go back and forth. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. They will do this for twenty minutes.

This morning, I woke up to the sound of Bubba talking.

“Dad. He take me. Me. Dad. Take me. Dad and Me. Boat. Dad truck take me. Boat and truck. Take me. Dad take me work. YES! TAKE ME! And Dad job. Dad truck job. Dad take me. (laughs) He take me! He take me! DAD TAKE ME! He take me boat! He take me job. DAD TAKE ME!”

He repeated this over and over for about 15 minutes. When I finally got out of bed, I walked out there and he said, “MOM! I IN BED!” and I said, “Yes, Bubba, good job!” and he said, “MOM. DAD TAKE ME!!”

And he grinned and grinned.

I hope it gets warm enough SOON so “Dad” can “TAKE HIM.” No matter what, that kid is going to sit on that boat, even if it is sitting in the storage unit. We are making sure of it.

Me: Hey Buggy, you know that we all aren’t going to die from global warming, right?

Bug: I know, Mommy.

Me: Ok good.

Bug: Some people are going to die before global warming kills everyone else.

Me: Oh.

Bug: Yeah, like they will die of old age. Like GEO! HE IS OLD.

Technorati Tags: global warming

Ahhh.. Feeling much better now.

Bug, Geo and I went to the mall on Saturday. Going to the mall is a half day thing, because it takes 1 1/2 to get there. Plus, we had these gift cards for a restaurant which is not available here in our crappy small town. Bug ate the steak and crab legs. And then tried to take a crab claw home. And then got very mad that she wasn’t allowed. She was also quite mad that the mall didn’t have stores that she wanted and threw a fit.

I didn’t throw a fit, because I got some very cute panties and a bunch of clothes that were 70% off. I love me a good bargain.

Geo didn’t throw a fit either, because he found two pairs of 32 X 36 pants, which you can never find in the store. And he was so happy about finding them, and on sale! that he bought me a sweatshirt that has this heavy lining inside and it so warm (because I am always freezing) and a snuggly long sleeve shirt.

But Bug threw a fit because that is what Bug does now. She throws fits and argues. About everything. It doesn’t matter what it is. Part of her problem is that she asks for things at ridiculous times. Like, I’ll be reprimanding her for not doing her chore correctly and she’ll interrupt me to ask if she can have an ice cream bar. Or we’ll be driving in the middle of a cotton field somewhere and the radio station she wants to listen to will not be coming in correctly and she’ll start sobbing that we are so mean to not let her listen to what she wants.

When she is not throwing fits, she’ll be just generally making a pest of herself. If Geo eats over here, he and Bug do 10 minutes in the kitchen. Today I went in the laundry room and when I came out Bug was missing. Apparently Geo had tossed her a sponge. She thought he had thrown it at her, so she scooped up a big handful of soapy water and threw it at him.

He was slightly unamused.

It is in times like this weekend that sometimes I question my decision to add kids to the household. I mean don’t get me wrong. I love my Buggy to death. But when I’m trying to take a shower and there is a heated discussion going on through the door about whether she can google parts of the body for her science extra credit because she didn’t bring her science book home because “she didn’t feel like it or maybe she forgot” then I think that more kids would be nuts.

But nevertheless, more kids it will be.

When? I don’t know.

I went through my first week since I’ve been licensed with no calls. However, I do have my homestudy out on three sibling groups.

Sibling group 1..the latest I’ve heard is that they are going to staffing sometime in January. I don’t know when. The other two groups are collecting homestudies almost to the end of January. I guess I could get called on sibling group 1 at any point, but I don’t know what my chance are or anything.

I also don’t know what would happen if I got picked for two groups. I think that one will get picked before another. I don’t think they allow you to take two groups at once, although I don’t know for sure. That might be a little…um..intense.

Until then, I just tell Geo I want seven kids.

And he says, “Seven?”

And I say, “You like kids, Geo.”

and he says, “Yes, but seven?”

And then I sing, “Climb every mountain” in a beautiful voice.

And Bug says, “I am NOT climbing a mountain. I don’t want to climb a mountain. Why don you always make me do things I don’t want to do??!!” and then bursts into fake tears.

Technorati Tags: temper tantrums, children, parenting, foster care, adoption

First, to answer Aurelia’s question..I’m not 100% sure that it is Galinda’s turn, but just making a good guess. I’ve been having alternating pain directly over my ovaries. Last month, it was on the right side (the good Elphaba side), this month it is on the left side, and it very painful. That is my rather unscientific conclusion.

I just got back from my old house. I’ve finished up moving everything out and getting it all cleaned. Of course, now the kitchen and living room of the BDH is a gigantic pile of everything I own.

Bug seems unphased by it, asking if we can bake cookies and go shopping. I told her we could bake cookies once we found the kitchen table. It has to be under that pile somewhere.

Speaking of the BDH, yesterday the phone company came out to check the lines to see why my dialup is so slow. I’m running a dialup accelerator, so it shouldn’t be THAT slow. The guy came to the door, and it was like I was on a cartoon. He looked like the host of a Saturday morning kids show. He said, “HI!! Do YOU have a problem with your PHONE?” and then made a sad face. Bug poked her head from around the corner to gawk at him. Right then, this other guy came barreling through the woods where there is a truck path. He pulled right up, and stopped. “You rentin’ this house?” “Um.yes?” “I’m your neighbor.” “Oh hi.” And then he just sat there. And then he left. It was very weird and Little Mr. Sunshine told me that he had come right up behind him at like 100 mph. Maybe Little Mr. Sunshine slept with my neighbor’s wife or something. I don’t know.

But then Bug told me that while she was getting things out of the van, another guy pulled up, asked if she was moving in, and then asked her if her parents were home. When she said yes, he said, “Well, I’m your new neighbor, so tell them I said hi.”

After I gave Bug a stern talking to about running inside if strange men pull into your driveway, I called Geo, a little freaked out. I think he’s running out of patience for my freaking out because that is all I have been doing for the past 24 hours. First there was the, “Well YOU HAVE TO LET ME KNOW IF YOU ARE BUYING STUFF FOR MY STOCKING BECAUSE MY STOCKING CAN NOT BE EMPTY GEO!” fit, followed by the sobbing I did over my internet. “It’s so SLOW. You don’t understand. All I want to do is post on my god damn blog. But it is SO SLOW.” “Well, it is ok, hon, we’ll get it fixed up for..” “Nooo…I want it fixed nooowwwwwww!”

And then I tucked myself into bed so I wouldn’t act like an idiot anymore.

Geo told me that my neighbors were probably just being nosy because that is what people do in a country town. Which is true, because not only do people ask you a bunch of questions, but they tell you about themselves. Everytime I check out of Walmart, I hear a story about the girl’s boyfriend who slept with her cousin but that is OK, because they are getting married because she needs the insurance money. Or something.

So now the one house is empty and everything I own is in a pile, and Bug keeps knocking on the door asking if she can start working on it, because she has 60 more points to earn in order to get Christmas. And she heard on the radio that Santa is making his final preparations before leaving and now she is freaked out. “I’m through with being bad,” she said. “Look where it has gotten me!” she sighed.

(P.S. Don’t forget to enter into the drawing to win a free copy of Cycle Savvy! See below)

Wow! Where did all you people come from? Suddenly people were popping out from everywhere to congratulate me and it truly made my day. Thank you all.

Elswhere asked where I am going to hang my diploma..probably in the bathroom. “Maybe you could learn to like me too sir? Hang ME in the bathroom?”

Between FINALLY graduating and the BDH and all this good is happening, there is a part of me that is in disbelief. I hate the part of depression that makes you feel that even though good things are happening, something bad must be around the corner. But for right now I feel happy. I am done with college. FINALLY. I am living in this great house, and everytime I walk around I can’t believe I am this lucky. And even Geo is being great..once my final grades hit the system he came over with ice cream, M&M’s and a new blender (because I wanted a McFlurry and McD’s was closed) and a really nice office chair to replace my POS one that I’ve been complaining about forever. And a big bouquet of flowers.

I did manage to drop a bottle of BBQ sauce on my toe while I was packing and now my toe could be a stunt double for a dead body on CSI. Which might bring in some extra cash, so I’m looking into it.

Technorati Tags: depression, education, CSI

On Saturday night when Bug found out that I had to stay at the hospital, she said “Good!! Geo is much more fun than you anyway!!”

Ouch.

Right now I am lying in bed because I have thrown up five times in the past two hours.

Geo went and got Bug from basketball and when she walked in she wanted to watch TV. She was told she couldn’t because she had taken all the money out of my piggy bank when I was gone. Yesterday, I noticed the pig was empty and I asked what had happened to it. Bug admitted that she had taken it, but she said she had put it into my room. It wasn’t in my room, so we asked Bug where it was. She said she had “thrown it into my room and run away.”

So we said no basketball, no TV, no computer, no gamecube until we knew where the money was. This afternoon Bug told me that it was hidden in her doll bunkbed.

I guess she figured that she was off the hook once I was sick, but Geo is out there laying down the law and she is PISSED OFF. She just threw something across the kitchen. Geo is so funny because he is so even tempered. But Bug does not like this side of him at all.

Maybe I’ll move up in the fun rankings. Haha.

I’m in my final two weeks of college. This is the last week for all the assignments and last minute tests to be crammed in. And then next week is my finals.

Yesterday was last minute college algebra day.

I am so horrible at math. HORRIBLE. I was fairly good at math in my early years. But then two things happened. First, I was 13. And I have a major memory block of my 13th year. I really only remember 3 or 4 days AT ALL, and somehow all my algebra knowledge seemed to have gone at the window as well. Then, in tenth grade, I took geometry and Algebra II at the same time, and then I had to miss two months of school because of my whole bad ovary/tube fiasco. I had home tutors, but the one just watched soap operas. The other was my Algebra II teacher, but somehow I still didn’t learn anything.

So now, I am horrible at math. I can not do any math in my head, at all. The only math I really do now is seeing how much money is left in my checking account, calculating what cycle day I am on, checking my blog stats, and counting down the hours to Grey’s Anatomy.

When I first started college, I took college algebra and I BOMBED IT. Horribly. Granted, I also took it in a class with 500 other students where the professor had such a thick accent that I couldn’t understand anything he said, much less the part about math.

But this semester I had to take it, and take it online, and so it has been very traumatic for all involved. Yesterday I worked on math assignments ALL DAY LONG. And it wasn’t even numbers. It was all this log and ln stuff. Which is cheating. Because math should be numbers, and also…I do not care about the life cycle of fruit flies. I also do not need to figure out a mathematical formula to determine how many minutes (to the nearest whole number) it takes for my pizza to go from 400 degrees to 250 degrees if my kitchen is 73 degrees. Really. I don’t care. I will just burn the roof of my mouth like the rest of us math idiots.

But I have to get at least a C in this class or I won’t graduate. So I sat all day long and did math. Then I took Bug to basketball and went to half price night at the Chinese restaurant with Bug and Geo.

I had to take a math exam and I finally started it after all the assignments were done. My last exam was 13 questions. This one was 39 questions and all of them had multiple parts to it. I was a nervous wreck.

At midnight, my time was up and I had to take the written portion so it could be emailed over before the deadline.

By the this point, my ass hurt from sitting on it so long. My eyes were blurry. If someone said “f of x” to me one time, I was likely to poke my #2 pencil up their nose.

So I did what any mature young woman does. I flung myself on my bed and cried. “I am not doing. I don’t care. Math can kiss my ass. I hate it. HATE IT.” Geo pulled himself away from Ebay and patted my shoulder. “It’s ok. You can do it. It is only five questions. You are so smart. I could never do this. You are doing great.”

“NOOOO I AM NOTTTTT. I AM SOOOO TIREDDDDD AND I HAVE CRAMPSSSS.. CRAMPPPSSS. PLUS. YOU TOOK TOO LONG EATING YOUR ICE CREAM. IF YOU GUYS DIDN’T EAT ICE CREAM, I WOULD HAVE BEEN DONE BY NOW. I *HATE* ICE CREAM!” Then I cried some more.

Geo went and hid in the office.

Finally I finished the damn thing, scanned it, and sent it on its merry way. I crawled into bed completely dressed in a weird mishmash of my jeans, Geo’s t-shirt (”I can’t concentrate because my shirt smells like the restaurant!”) Geo’s hoodie, and some, and I’m not lying, ladybug socks that said, “Good Luck.” And then I cried some more because I didn’t want to sleep in my jeans but I was too exhausted to take them off.
I still have a comprehensive final to take, and I am pretty sure it is going to push me over the edge.

Despite my success with the scheduling of appointments, today has not been a good day. I’m not sure what exactly is wrong with me. My head feels FULL. I feel stressed out and anxious. There is no real reason why. I feel paralyzed to do anything, and each minute I do something other than what I am supposed to be doing, I feel panicked.

I’ve gone completely off the wellbutrin. I don’t want to be on anything like that when I’m trying for baby Eldoo. I thought I was doing ok..I had some massive withdraw headaches, but as far as the depression goes, I was doing ok. I felt happy, as witnessed by yesterday’s post.

I definitely think that seasonal affect disorder has something to do with how I feel. I’ve been diagnosed with that before. I need one of those light boxes that American Family raves about. Because seriously? At 1 am I feel wide awake. But right now (5:51 pm) I want nothing more but to go to sleep.

I even contemplated popping one of Bug’s adderall. And I didn’t. Because remember when Lynette on Desperate Housewives became addicted?? Yes, that’s me. Basing my choices on freaking Desperate Housewives. Next thing you know I’ll be burying my toolbox in the woods.

I think a combination of things are at work…one, I do have a lot of work going on. It is the last week of school before finals, I’m trying to get the foster care stuff in, I’m trying to get the damn sperm bank to understand that just because my driver’s license has another address on it, I really do live here.

I also think that it has something to do with the fact that I NEVER GO ANYWHERE. I mean, most days I leave the house just to go pick up Bug. Sometimes I go to the grocery store. But I need to go somewhere.

Geo was going to come over and do a tune up on my van, but bless his heart, he offered to come over and help me clean the house instead. If I at least had a clean bedroom, I would be less panicked. I think I’m going to see if we can go out to eat. If I got out and ate, I think I would feel better.

You know, although this post sounds pathetic, I’m proud of myself. I used to feel this way ALL the time when I was in college the first time. And I couldn’t deal with it at all, and so I did the only logical thing..I cut myself.

But I’ve reached the point of mental stability where I can tell when I’m not feeling good, and I can try to arrange things so that I feel better. It sounds like a small thing, but to me it is huge.

How do depressed people have babies? How am I supposed to get through TTC without my wellbutrin? Can you request a C-section? Because if somebody has to keep checking my cha, I swear I’ll have a nervous breakdown. Britney did it, didn’t she? And then I read something about pooping while delivering a baby and that made me have a nervous breakdown. Am I definitely going to get PPD? Have I told you how strange it is to have a quiet house because Bug has been reading for TWO HOURS STRAIGHT?
This concludes my mental health update.

I know that most people don’t care about other people’s dreams, however…
I just wrote about the dream Geo had on my other blog and then I just had a dream about Geo. He lived in some kind of dorm thing, and he was a prostitute. But he only had male clients. It also involved an airplane crash, a four wheeler, and this chemical spray for fleas.

Do you ever wake up from dreams feeling horrible? And exhausted? That is how I feel.

Also, I am late to the game, but am I the only one who thinks the bachelor is creepy?