I had the start of my foster care additional training tonight, which I’ll talk about later. But first I have to tell you a quick story that illustrates my overwhelming asshatiness.

At the beginning we all went around and introduced ourselves and I said I had an almost 11 year old and the teacher asked if I was a single mom to Bug and I said that I was, but that I was in a relationship and Bug considered him to be her Dad, blah blah.

At the end of class, the husband of one of the couples leans over to me and says, “Hey. How come you don’t have kids of your own?”

I was taken aback. And so I said, “What?”

And he said, “How come you don’t have kids of your own?”

And I said, “Oh, do you mean biological children? Because Bug is my own child, she is just not biologically mine. Besides, what does “own” children mean anyway? But I can have biological children, well I think I can, but see..I have this good ovary named Elphaba but I also have a bad ovary named Galinda and she is missing and so I don’t know how easy it would be for me to have children, but Dr. Gel said that there is no reason why not and I was going to go through a sperm bank, but I decided I would rather live in the BDH instead and maybe I will try to have biological children at some future date, but I loved adopting from foster care and I feel more drawn to that right now.”

Or at least that is what I decided I should have said.

But no.

I said, “Uh..I can’t have kids.”

And the guy said, “Yeah, that is what I thought but I didn’t want to ask.”

Which, WTF? Because he did ask.

And also, what the hell kind of answer was mine?

I mean, obviously I don’t want to explain to him the status of my reproductive organs (I only do that with strangers on the internet) but I should of said something. I don’t know what though.

And this was the first time he had spoken to me all night.

I’m an asshat, but he’s a bigger asshat.

Technorati Tags: foster care, adoption, biological children, asshat

First, to answer Aurelia’s question..I’m not 100% sure that it is Galinda’s turn, but just making a good guess. I’ve been having alternating pain directly over my ovaries. Last month, it was on the right side (the good Elphaba side), this month it is on the left side, and it very painful. That is my rather unscientific conclusion.

I just got back from my old house. I’ve finished up moving everything out and getting it all cleaned. Of course, now the kitchen and living room of the BDH is a gigantic pile of everything I own.

Bug seems unphased by it, asking if we can bake cookies and go shopping. I told her we could bake cookies once we found the kitchen table. It has to be under that pile somewhere.

Speaking of the BDH, yesterday the phone company came out to check the lines to see why my dialup is so slow. I’m running a dialup accelerator, so it shouldn’t be THAT slow. The guy came to the door, and it was like I was on a cartoon. He looked like the host of a Saturday morning kids show. He said, “HI!! Do YOU have a problem with your PHONE?” and then made a sad face. Bug poked her head from around the corner to gawk at him. Right then, this other guy came barreling through the woods where there is a truck path. He pulled right up, and stopped. “You rentin’ this house?” “Um.yes?” “I’m your neighbor.” “Oh hi.” And then he just sat there. And then he left. It was very weird and Little Mr. Sunshine told me that he had come right up behind him at like 100 mph. Maybe Little Mr. Sunshine slept with my neighbor’s wife or something. I don’t know.

But then Bug told me that while she was getting things out of the van, another guy pulled up, asked if she was moving in, and then asked her if her parents were home. When she said yes, he said, “Well, I’m your new neighbor, so tell them I said hi.”

After I gave Bug a stern talking to about running inside if strange men pull into your driveway, I called Geo, a little freaked out. I think he’s running out of patience for my freaking out because that is all I have been doing for the past 24 hours. First there was the, “Well YOU HAVE TO LET ME KNOW IF YOU ARE BUYING STUFF FOR MY STOCKING BECAUSE MY STOCKING CAN NOT BE EMPTY GEO!” fit, followed by the sobbing I did over my internet. “It’s so SLOW. You don’t understand. All I want to do is post on my god damn blog. But it is SO SLOW.” “Well, it is ok, hon, we’ll get it fixed up for..” “Nooo…I want it fixed nooowwwwwww!”

And then I tucked myself into bed so I wouldn’t act like an idiot anymore.

Geo told me that my neighbors were probably just being nosy because that is what people do in a country town. Which is true, because not only do people ask you a bunch of questions, but they tell you about themselves. Everytime I check out of Walmart, I hear a story about the girl’s boyfriend who slept with her cousin but that is OK, because they are getting married because she needs the insurance money. Or something.

So now the one house is empty and everything I own is in a pile, and Bug keeps knocking on the door asking if she can start working on it, because she has 60 more points to earn in order to get Christmas. And she heard on the radio that Santa is making his final preparations before leaving and now she is freaked out. “I’m through with being bad,” she said. “Look where it has gotten me!” she sighed.

(P.S. Don’t forget to enter into the drawing to win a free copy of Cycle Savvy! See below)

One afternoon, I started having pretty bad pains directly over my ovary. I went to the bathroom and this *glob* of stuff came out. It was like a jellyfish. I FREAKED out. I had a friend drive me to the emergency room. I had a pelvic exam done.

What was wrong with me? Oh, I was ovulating.

Now, this story wouldn’t be nearly as embarassing if my “friend” wasn’t really my Staff Sergeant and I hadn’t been 21 and married at the time. It was only later, when reading Toni Weschler’s Taking Charge of Your Fertility that I realized that the jellyfish was actually egg white cervical mucous.

Oh boy, did I feel like an idiot.

When the fine folks over at Mother Talk asked me to review Toni Weschler’s new book Cycle Savvy: The Smart Teen’s Guide to the Mysteries of Her Body, I was really excited. First, because no one ever asks me to review anything, and second because I immediately recognized the name. Looking at the other people who reviewed this book, I see that many of them credit Ms. Weschler with the conception of their child. (indirectly of course!) Unfortunately, Ms. Weschler’s book couldn’t fix my screwed up anatomy, but the things that I know about my fertility (or lack thereof) come from her book.

Cycle Savvy is aimed at girls 14 to 18. It is similar to TCOYF in that it explains how to use your temperatures and other fertility signs to find when you are most fertile.

Wait, what?? Why would you want 14 year old girls to know when they are fertile??

That’s the conflict present in this book. How much knowledge is too much knowledge? If Bug knows that she is fertile, will she try to have the sex then to get pregnant? Will she just avoid the sex the rest of the time?

I think Ms. Weschler does a good job explaining why teenage girls should learn about fertility awarness. She points out the usefulness in knowing when your period is coming, knowing the difference between normal vaginal secretions and an infection, knowing if your bleeding or pain is normal or abnormal. She also says in pretty straight-forward terms that you should not use this information to avoid getting pregnant because of STDs and the fact that only adults in a committed relationship should attempt to use the fertility awareness method to avoid pregnancy.

Of course, I can see parents who would be nervous about giving their child this book because they feel that it is better if their kid didn’t know. In a world where we preach abstinence, should we be teaching young girls how to recognize their fertility signs?

I think so. I think that understanding your body is crucial for women. The more familiar you are with your body and the more invested you become in understanding how it works…the more likely you are to want to protect it and take care of it. I had sex quite early and I can honestly say that at the time I had NO idea what my body was doing, or how to adequately protect myself. I think empowering teenagers to see what their body is capable of is a good thing.

Plus, I think there is a gap in how we teach girls about sex and their bodies. For instance, Bug knows that an egg is released, and if no sperm goes near the egg, then the egg will go out of her body and she will have a period. But she doesn’t understand the timing of it. She doesn’t understand when the egg is released or how ovulation really works. And we have a lot of talks about bodies and reproduction in our house.

Now, do I honestly see Bug taking her temperature every morning? No way. I can’t even get her to put a toothbrush in her mouth every morning. Do I think teenage girls would do it? Probably not. But Bug has seen me with a thermometer in my mouth in the morning and she understands that your temperature goes up after your egg comes out and goes back down when you have your period. She thinks it is cool. Simply having this knowledge would be beneficial to girls.

I’d recommend this book starting around 12 or 13. It’s written a little too above Bug’s head at 10. Parents should also be aware that there are some frank discussions about sex in the book, written as personal accounts from teenage girls. There is a girl who terminated the pregnancy and I believe one who made an adoption plan for her baby. There are girls who regret having sex and those who do not.

Some parts of the book I’ve shared with Bug already. Almost 1/3rd of the book is made up of the appendix and glossary, which has charts and STI information, places to go for more information, etc. The book is pink and has cartoons, quizzes, and little quotations from other teens mixed throughout. Bug doesn’t really like pink, but she said that the girl on the front was “pretty” and wanted me to tell you that “teaching girls about their body is important because your body does weird things but that is OK but you have to get someone to explain it to you or else you will be freaked out.”

There will be a lot of parents who shy away from this book because it has such frank discussions about sex. It goes into a lot of details about your body and what the heck it is doing once a month.

I want Bug to understand her body, to be proud of it. To not be ashamed of it. I think the best way to do this is to give information. Teach her to respect her body, not by shaming her, but by giving her knowledge. Let’s face it, I wanted to go find this boy “Ryan” that she was talking about yesterday and smack him around a bit, despite her assurances that they weren’t going to “kiss” or “hold hands” or “have the sex.” But in the end, our girls are going to make decisions for themselves. And as parents, we need to send them out in the world as educated as we can. This book is a great start, and will be on our shelf along with some of the more basic body books for Bug to continue to read as she grows older.

Would you like a chance to read Cycle Savvy: The Smart Teen’s Guide to the Mysteries of Her Body for FREE? I have been given three copies of the book to give away to you fine folks. If you want to win a copy, leave a comment on this post that tells us what you wish you had known about your body.

Make sure I have a way to reach you. Bug will be drawing three random winners who will get their very own copy.

Technorati Tags: fertility, Cycle Savvy, TCOYF, teens

*** Women’s medical information can be found online from various sources, and amongst the most important is pregnancy info considering the fact that many parents-to-be aren’t as informed on modern pregnancy information and safety concerns as they could be.

So yesterday started off like any other day really.

I woke up from this dream I had about Grey’s Anatomy and I felt quite proud of myself. I’m not sure why. The dream had something to do with McDreamy being upset because Meredith was distant, and he thought it was his fault because he wasn’t being romantic enough. So he was doing all these things for her and she was getting more distant and then turns out that she had slept with Sloan and that was really the reason. But I’m not sure where I fit into this. Whether I was Meredith, or I knew all this, or I wrote the episode, or I worked at Seattle Grace or what.

But I woke up feeling quite proud of myself.

Then I asked Bug if she was wearing a bra and she said yes and I said which one and she said her tan one. But I could tell she was lying. I don’t know how, I think I have acquired that top secret Mom sense. So I told her to come here and I pulled down the side of her shirt. No straps.

So she told me that she was wearing it with the straps hanging down. Hahaha. Nice try.

Well, then the day just turned to crap after that really. A lot of people have talked about the shipping for the sperm being really high, but I don’t think it is unreasonable. The package weighs over 25 lbs, as obviously the vials need to be protected and temperature controlled. They ship you the dewar here and then also to ship it back. So we’re talking two way shipping, on a large package, that has to move very quickly by DHL.

So it’s going to be expensive. I don’t know why I didn’t realize that.

And then some other crappy things happened which I won’t go into here as it would just be more of me whining.

But all in all, I couldn’t get past the idea of this plan I had just going all to hell. At less than $200 a vial, I could justify shooting it up there without knowing whether I was ovulating off of my good side or the bad side. But once we started talking $350 or $500..I just can’t.

I would feel totally different if I had two sides that worked. But I don’t. I could theoretically get an ultrasound to see which side I was ovulating on, but that would do me no good as the sperm has to be ordered two weeks prior to the ovulation. I could get one done this month and then assume that the other side will go next month, but that isn’t certain either.

This is different from IVF or even IUI because those things are able to be planned more precisely. This is just me guessing. And I pick the wrong side, I just throw the money away.

Then I got to thinking about what I really want. What do I want?

I want Bug to be taken care of. I want to be able to comfortably provide for her. I want to have a nice house that we can all live comfortably in and be happy.

I want to add children to the family that are close to Bug’s age.

I want to raise a child from birth.

When I really thought about it, I don’t necessarily want to be pregnant. And I really could care less about the biological connections. I want a baby.

So now what? What are my options?

1. Go ahead with the sperm donation.

2. Take the money I would have used for sperm donation and use it to get a bigger house (I’m planning on getting a bigger house anyway, but this would help) that would be more conducive to fostering.

3. Start saving money for another form of adoption (perhaps international).

4. Work out something with Geo regarding sperm.

Right now, I don’t feel comfortable going ahead with the sperm donation. I’m not sure if that will change once I let a few days go by. But I just can’t justify throwing 500 dollars up my cha each month when that 500 could do so much good in other ways.

Geo and I have actually talked about the sperm donation thing several times. He has a friend who was the known donor for a lesbian couple. He had kind of a bad experience as the couple promised that he would be able to have a relationship with the child, but then changed their minds. (This is all coming third party so I don’t know any of this for sure) Anyway, Geo is concerned that he wouldn’t want to just be a “donor” so to speak, he would want to be involved. But that idea scares him. I’m not sure whether I want a co-parent, although I think Geo is an excellent co-parent to Bug. More so every day. So obviously we would have a ton of talking to do, legal papers to draw up, etc. But it is not a definite no, but it’s nowhere close to even being a maybe.

The house thing..I’m excited about that. This house is way too small. For a little bit more money, I could rent a nice place with four bedrooms and a garage in a nice neighborhood. I’ve been talking about moving already, for instance, if I was chosen for that sibling group I’m interested in, I would have to.

I guess there are no clear cut answers. Obviously I could be called for a foster child next week that ended up staying. Maybe the sperm thing would work out with Geo. Maybe I would decide to go to Guatemala or something.

I don’t know. All I know is that I was ready to start trying this month, I mean, I had my check card in my hand. And then it got smacked out.

And it hurts.

Oh, and then I got my period. Because of course I needed something to cap off my day.

And did I mention this was the day that Geo and I were going to get married?

Yeah.

This concludes this whine session.

Since Bug was feeling kind of crummy from the flu shot, I let her stay home even though there was no snow.

Bug’s running commentary through “Adoption Story” on the Discovery Channel.

Announcer: The couple longed for a child

Bug: Like me!

Announcer: After trying for almost year, they turned to medical help.

Bug: Ohhh..

Announcer: They discovered that Bob’s sperm was abnormal.

Bug: Well, why didn’t they just buy donated sperm?

Announcer: So the couple turned to artificial insemination. When that didn’t work, they tried in-vitro fertilization. During in-vitro fertilization…

Bug: This isn’t going to work. Otherwise they wouldn’t call it adoption story.

Announcer: When the test came back negative, Mary made a decision.

Bug: I told you.

Announcer: The couple decided to pursue an open adoption. An open adoption is when..

Bug: DUH. We already know.

Adoption lawyer: We can’t be mad at a woman for deciding to parent a child. That is her right.

Bug: Yeah! She just wanted to keep her baby! That is OK. If she is a good mommy anyway.

Announcer: So the couple turned to international adoption.

Bug: International means a different country.

Me: Yes.

Dad: All we really knew about her was that she had been abandoned.

Bug: Was I an international adoption?

Me: Huh? No silly. What country do you come from?

Bug: I mean, did my social worker find babies in other countries?

Me: No, she just did foster care.

Bug: How come those people didn’t just adopt in the first place instead of messing with the sperm?

Me: Well, a lot of people think it is important to have a biological connection to their child.

Bug: Me and you are not biology.

Me: No, we aren’t.

Bug: My birthmom is biology with me.

Me: Yes.

Bug: Just because you aren’t biology doesn’t mean you can’t be a family.

Me: That is true. Adoption can also be expensive so some people don’t like that.

Bug: Is the sperm and the egg in the jar expensive?

Me: Yes. But sometimes women want to be able to experience being pregnant.

Bug: I don’t! Because babies look gross when they come out and they come out of your privates anyway and that is SO GROSS.

Bug: Look, they are getting babies from another country too.

Me: That is Korea.

Bob: We will get information about their birth families, but that is not something you share with other people before you share it with your kids. That will be their information when they are older.

Bug: I get some information now and some when I am older too!

Me: Yes.

Bug: How come I didn’t get to be on this Adoption Story show?

Me: I don’t know.

Bug: If people saw me, they would want to adopt. I am precious.

Me: That is true.

Bug: This show is kind of dumb. I could have wrote it. I know all about sperm and biology and adoption anyway. They should pay me to make this show. I would call it “Bug’s Adoption Show” and it would mostly be about me, but sometimes we would show people from other adoptions and maybe some stuff about Hannah Montana and Gone with the Wind. But it would mostly be about me. That’s all people are interested in anyway.

Me: You are probably right.

Technorati Tags: adoption, Adoption Story, Discovery Channel