Safe House
FosterAbba has an interesting post up about what people can do in their house as foster parents. For instance, in my state, foster children are not allowed in a foster parent’s bed.
So if Bubba has a bad dream and crawls into my bed, I have to remove him and put him back in his bed. I can’t co-sleep with Snowbaby.
As I mentioned on FosterAbba’s blog, many years ago I took a class that talked about creating a “safe house.” I don’t remember all the details, but because I’m an abuse survivor, it appealed to me. I don’t believe that safe house rules eliminates the chance of a child being abused, but I like the message it sends to children.
Here are the rules in our house that pertain particulary to what FosterAbba was mentioning:
1. Boys do not go in girl’s rooms. Girls do not go in boy’s rooms.
2. Clothing or pajamas is worn all the time. No skimpy tank tops allowed if there are men in the house.
3. Adults do not sit on children’s beds.
4. Children do not go in adult’s beds.
5. You are only allowed in your own bed. Children do not get in other children’s beds.
6. One person in the bathroom at a time.
7. If an adult needs to go in the bathroom with a child, they knock first.
8. If an adult is in a child’s room, the door is open.
9. Children that are school age do not sit on adult’s laps.
10. I very rarely leave my children alone with any males. That includes Geo or my dad. Not because I don’t trust them. I do. But it is my personal preference.
11. If adults are changing or engaged in anything that would require a partial or complete state of undress, the doors are locked so that children can not walk in.
Now, this might seem rigid and uncaring. But it is really not. We cuddle. Just not in bed. We snuggle on the couch, just not on laps. I tuck kids in, but I kneel by their beds instead of climbing in next to them.
Of course, many families do something very different. As a foster family, I think this gives an added level of protection. Especially with children who have limited ability to express themselves.
For instance, about two weeks ago Bubba got very upset and started hitting himself on the head with a book. In the time it took for me to get it away from him, he had gotten a scraped up mark on his head. Later Geo asked him what had happened and he said, “HIT ME.” And Geo said, “Who hit you?” and he said “MAMA!”
Now, I had absolutely not hit Bubba. But he didn’t know how to say what had happened. I corrected him saying, “No, Bubba, BOOK hit you.” And then he started saying that BOOK HIT HIM. (Poor blamed book.)
But if he had said that to someone else, I might have had problems. As it was, I reported it to both the pediatrician and the SW.
I also find that these things help with teaching boundaries to kids who issues with that. Bug used to lean on everyone and try to climb on their laps, even if she didn’t know them well. But she doesn’t do that anymore.
I do think that it is sad that I don’t feel comfortable piling all the kids into my bed on Saturday morning to watch TV, but I think it is also sad that there would be people for whom that wasn’t an innocent thing. So I err on the side of caution.
What do you do in your house? Would you change what you did if you were a foster parent? Does being a foster parent change how you do things in your home?
March 28th, 2007 at 11:31 am
I’ve often thought about these types of things when considering the boundary issues some kids have. But I also think it’s kind of sad. With Peanut, every night I’d tuck him in bed and then I’d climb on top of the covers and we’d read book after book. We brushed our teeth together in the bathroom every morning and every evening. When he had a night terror, he’d come climb in my bed. When we’d watch movies sometimes he’d sit on the loveseat by himself, other times he’d come snuggle with me and have me rub his back. These were all such good bonding experiences. I might have to find replacements for all of them with my Kid 2 Be.
March 28th, 2007 at 12:51 pm
Wow, we don’t follow any of these rules except maybe the kids getting in each other’s beds (no rule, they just have no interest). I do like the idea of knocking before entering a bathroom with a child in it, out of respect (and to teach them to do the same). First I have to teach them to close the door I suppose!
The lap thing would be difficult for me. My oldest is in K, but she’s so tiny…I love to hold her on my lap 
. I understand the reasoning behind the rules for foster families though, and why you in particular are good about following them.
March 28th, 2007 at 1:32 pm
Yesterday morning, my son woke about 30 minutes before it was time and crawled into bed with us and we all cuddled. I never realized how lucky I was just to have that moment.
Do the rules change if a foster child becomes permanently under your custody?
March 28th, 2007 at 1:55 pm
Our agency has a “sexual safety plan” that everyone must sign with each new permanent placement. Brian, our younger bioboy, signed one for the first time when he was six.
It does not prohibit sitting on kids beds. When Ann was really missing Mandy I would sometimes lie down on her bed until she went to sleep. I said, every single time, “First I am going to make sure your door is open part way. Now you get under the covers and I will lie down on top of them. I let her snuggle up next to my body but I did not put my arms around her. Sometime I would lie on my stomach to make that feel more natural.
Anyway, our safety plan has statements about open and closed doors, no child going into another child’s bedroom without invitation.
It also includes, “The only people who have sex in this house are mom and dad and then only with the door closed.” (That of course would be changed some something like Mama Jane and Mama Sara for a lesbian couple).
There is also a section the foster kid fills out with the social worker which says, “The kinds of touching that feel safe to me and don’t make me feel like someone wants to have sex with me are…” The kid then makes a list of safe touches. Sometimes this limited to things like a pat on the shoulder, squeezing my hand, a hug with one arm.
The document prohibits wrestling and tickling. We got that changed the first time because our boys like to wrestly with Dad so much. So they crossed it out and wrote, “Wrestling is okay only if every one agree to play and Dad is playing too.”
The whole document is a couple of pages long.
After a while though things get to be more relaxed, and the social workers know that. When Evan hurt his back I rubbed Bengay on it, and then jokingly reported myself to the social worker for violating the safety plan.
March 28th, 2007 at 2:55 pm
I understand why you have rules like this, and we actually follow some of them, simply because we’ve happened to.
Exceptions are like 11. because I haven’t had the door fully closed while peeing in 10+ years. All hell would break loose if they thought I couldn’t overhear them. And in public washrooms, they come in to the ladies with me. I’ve recently let them stand outside the stall, but if I call out and they don’t reply, I’ve got 911 on speed dial, and I’ll run out half naked to make sure they are still there.
Paranoid & embarassing, yes, but no men’s washrooms for my little boys until they are strong enough to fight off anyone who could try to hurt them.
Thank God for public family ones!
3,4, & 5 make me sad, because I have such wonderful memories of snuggling with my kids in bed until they fall asleep. I like Yondalla’s rules because kids need to learn that safe touch can happen, even in a bed, but still respecting their personal boundaries. Otherwise, they may never feel safe their whole lives. Even as adults. I do understand why those rules exist, but I also know real predators would just find another way to hurt a kid.
March 28th, 2007 at 3:06 pm
I think the Safe plans make a lot of sense. I was wondering about sibling groups. You’ve mentioned that Butterfly is a little mom, or at least she was in the beginning. Was it hard for her to not be able to go to Bubba’s room?
Hang in there–you’ve got a loud cheering section.
March 28th, 2007 at 3:58 pm
I think the safe plans make a lot of sense, too - especially with older children, or ones you don’t know the whole story on (like we ever really know). We co-slept with Cookie - had a crib for her, and took her to our bed as needed during the bad stages of drug withdrawl. We asked social workers every step of the way - especially when we wanted to start bathing with her when she outgrew the infant tub and the sink. We loved co-sleeping, and it is sad that the world is the way it is. With older kids we did respite for and the 4 yr. old we had, we left doors open, and hubby took the boys and I took the girls to help “potty” and wash their hair. I wa glad for a person of another gender there to alieviate those issues a bit. It HAS to be hard when kids want the kinds of closeness that foster parents just can’t give by nature of the job, or for obvious protections. I’m sure with having newborn babies - for us, it was slightly different.
March 28th, 2007 at 6:39 pm
I am an incest survivor, and I used to tell my oldest that she didn’t have to hug/kiss/sit in the lap of anyone she was uncomfortable with, and it was always on her terms. if someone tried to make her feel guilty for not doing those things, I would quickly correct that person and say to them that Anna is a human being, not a possession.
on the other hand, my girls do see me in the nude when I get in or out of the shower (usually because I am having to scold them for something- while they watch TV or play- in their room next to the bathroom) … I have to work on that.
March 28th, 2007 at 11:34 pm
Excellent post. Very thoughtful and understanding of the issues foster children and foster parents need to deal with. Thanks for writing this!
March 29th, 2007 at 12:35 am
We treat our 3 foster kids just as we did out oldest son (adopted as an infant). I think maybe if they had been abused sexually we would examine more closely our behaviors. We lay down with the youngest (2) and 5yo at bedtime. The 5yo has very intense fear at night and the 2yo is . . . clingy. Also, we knew we were adopting from the day they moved in. So bonding has been very important. Also, with the 5yo laying with him and quietly talking . . is how I remind myself that I ‘like’ him. For awhile, his behaviors were so chaotic and physical that I needed the quiet bonding in order to recharge my ‘like’ for the quiet, sensitive boy he is under the loud, brash, angry boy mask he wears.
March 29th, 2007 at 2:40 am
Being a foster parent definitely changes the way we do things in our home and how we parent. Not because there are specific rules I have to follow…but because I’m raising traumatized children.
Parenting books and well meant advice go out the window when your child doesn’t trust that she will be safe or when your baby is miserable from drug withdrawal.
It’s just a whole different ballgame.
March 29th, 2007 at 9:25 pm
Hero.
You are an absolute hero.
To commit to a lifetime of thoughtful parenting (as opposed to instinctual) of other people’s children makes you remarkable.
Your footprint on this world is larger than you know.
March 30th, 2007 at 2:02 pm
I’m not sure what the California rules are but I don’t remember anything like this when I was thinking about foster care instead of guardianship.
With guardianship, there are very few rules.
It doesn’t seem to be an issue so I use common sense. And they’re all girls which makes a difference. Now that they’re older, they don’t run around the house half naked when my husband is here. Rochelle and Rebecca often end up in the same bed.
But if one of them is sick in the bathroom or something like that the first adult on the scene is the one who takes care of them (at least until I can get there).
April 7th, 2007 at 1:03 pm
Life did change when our foster - soon to be adopted son moved in. We don’t allow him on our bed, unless it’s to cuddle with a dog once in a while. We won’t let him in there alone - EVER. Mr. sticky fingers can’t keep his hands or eyes off the jewelry. We have to get him up in the middle of the night to pee and it has to be loud and abrupt. Anything calm or even a touch to the head to wake him will send him into a panic. Life is different but I wouldn’t trade it for the world.