I felt the interview went well. All of the children were quite freaked out, and I had to escort Bug into the room because she was scared. Women with briefcases and cops with guns mean you are being taken away and all of the kids were acting out.

What was said regarding my family member was rather absurd. I got the impression from comments made that the investigator believed that too.

Just remember though, foster parents, document everything!! I had to strip both babies down and explain every mark on them. I had to pull out prescriptions. I know you think that it won’t happen to you, but it will.

Me: I got a hotline call!

Our SW: Oh, ok. Haven’t you had one before?

Me: NO! Never!

Our SW: Oh..don’t worry about it. You’ll get used to it.

Um..ok?

The investigator has 30 days to write up a report and then we should hear something as to whether it was substantiated or not. I am confident that it won’t be substantiated, especially since it simply isn’t true and couldn’t possibly be true no matter what.

It is frustrating though, and disheartening. Especially when you pour your heart, soul and finances into a child and then something like this happens. It is sad.

I am feeling quite low. This past month has left me financially in complete chaos. We got to the point on Sunday when all we had in our fridge was butter. That was it. Geo and I went shopping last night and he filled the fridge and the pantry (and the diaper holder.) I’ve still got to come up with my rent, but after that, I should be ok until the middle of the month when my checks finally arrive. And after that, I should be back to normal and everything should be OK. At least financially.

But nothing is worse than money worries for me, and to add the stress of this situation onto that..well, I’m barely hanging on here.

I’ve mentioned recently that money is tight. I didn’t have a lot of reserves built up when the kids came, and every bit of money I had, plus some, went to getting them the things they needed like clothes, beds, bedding, toys, etc.  When I got my tax return, most of it vanished repaying loans that I had gotten from friends/family to get me through that time. I’ve never had a chance to rebuild up any extra money because I haven’t been able to work. I’ve had to stand up for myself a few times over the past few weeks and say “HEY! Just because I work at home doesn’t mean I DO NOT WORK.” Of course, it doesn’t always work. Like today, I lost three hours when I had to transport the kids to a visit in the middle of my “work” day. I complained about it, but it is a fine line of complaining vs. pissing DFS off.  You don’t want to piss DFS off.

And then of course, Callie came with nothing but her trash bag. And I’ve driven an obscene amount of miles this month. And now I’m in a major financial crisis. I’ve been working as much as I can, after the kids go to sleep, during naptime, getting up early. But there is only so much I can do and I’m getting stressed out beyond belief.

Last night, I worked until I couldn’t stay up anymore, and then I went to bed, trying to keep the faith that something would get straightened out.

Of course, I woke up to find that Cingular says I owe them $400 bucks, and when I said I didn’t, they shut off my phone. Which is quite unfortunate.

I know things are going to improve soon, because I really am scraping bottom. I did get a package from one of you fine people for Callie, and I got a gift card from my sister which was totally unexpected and surprising, and I got Bug classified as a behavioral child which will get us more money each month.

But anyone who thinks you can raise a child on $220 dollars a month, especially when they are in diapers, is nuts. And you can throw us a picnic to show your appreciation, but what you really need to do is to stop asking foster parents to give and give and give and give and give, while not giving them anything back in return.

Anyway, if you don’t hear from me for a few days, that is why.

Just got my foster parent “newsletter” which says that suitcases were donated to DFS and we can get them for our kids to keep forever.

It is a start.

Before I had four children, I was doing pretty well financially. I was working a lot during the day. Although I had taken on the extra expense of the BDH, I was still doing good. I had finally figured out why I was having so much trouble working (ADD) and had started on some medicine.

Right after that, I got bombared with my three cuties who had nothing. Luckily with some help from you guys, and some loans and gifts from Geo and my family members, I was able to pull through.

But then I had to pay everyone back and run around like a crazy person while Bug got pulled out of school and everyone had all sorts of evaluations and visits and therapy and all this.

And suddenly I was to the point where weeks would go by without me having one chance to do ANY work. My helpers were no help. Then the two girls got hospitalized and that took up all of my sanity and my time.

And then I found out that little guys were staying through the summer, and then Callie came with absolutely nothing, and Snowbaby had surgery and I had to go pick up Callie. And it is the 22nd and I’ve put 1200 miles on my mileage form for this month so far and I’m not done. Which at $3.29 a gallon…well damn.

The point? I don’t know. Except to say that sometimes foster parents feel strange about talking about money. Which I can understand. I love these kids like they are my own, so sometimes it feels icky to talk about money. Except if they were my own, I wouldn’t be driving all this way so they could meet with their family or doing all the other things I have to do in order to ensure they get the best services they need.

I’ve read on a couple blogs lately the idea of paying foster parents a salary. As part of their salary, they would be required to attend trainings, and do things we are supposed to do anyway, like make lifebooks. That kind of thing.

I hate the way they do things now, where they hand you a child with a half-full garbage bag and wave “Goodbye!” and then say, “You won’t see any money for her until next month and oh, by the way? Could you transport her everyday to a different county so she can go to special program and we can’t pay you mileage?”

I guess my point is to advocate for yourself. Especially if you are a single parent or you work from home. If you work from home, INSIST that they provide you with the same opportunities that a parent who works outside of the home gets.

If you have a child who has issues which causes them to not be able to go to daycare, then insist that they be considered for an increased rate of pay. After all, if their issues are so severe that they can’t be in daycare, then you should be compensated for the fact that you can not work while you are dealing with these issues.

If you have adopted a child and they are not receiving an adequate subsidy, ask that it be reviewed. If you are in the process of adopting a child, don’t sign a subsidy until you are sure that it has what you are entitled to.

Because folks, I love these kid so much. I love being a foster mom. I love feeling like my life has a purpose for the first time in my whole life.

But I didn’t create these problems. And no foster parent should have to worry about whether they have enough money to pay the electric bill or whether they can afford gas to drive a child to softball because they are so busy doing what DFS asks them to do that they don’t have time to do what they need to do.

Six months ago I was afraid to use the telephone. I was afraid to stand up to a social worker or a supervisor and say, “Well, sure, I would be happy to do that for you but you are going to need to do XYZ in order for that to happen.”

This is my rant/vent of the day. There is nothing that stresses me out more than a low bank account balance and the fear that I might have to stop fostering because I can’t work too. Luckily, I think things are going to be OK very soon. I worked all morning, I finally got compensated for last month’s mileage (oh, and the subsidy Cammie messed up. Did I mentioned that?) and Bug is actually behaving today. And while I was down here working, Callie cleaned the living room without being asked.

Does this post sound whiny? It feels whiny to me. I feel whiny too because I have been fighting a cold for a week. I would like to stop being sick please. I went from a sinus infection and a UTI to getting antibiotics and getting a killer yeast infection and then once that cleared up, I caught Snowbaby’s cold.

Oh, and to answer the question about sending something for Callie. I haven’t had time to update my registry but I’m trying to. If you really wanted to send something to her, you could do it through my paypal button on the left, or send a Walmart gift card. Callie is a great girl, you guys. This weekend we went fishing and swimming in the river. I told her we were about to leave and she said, “Is it hot because I don’t have any shorts or anything I could wear. I really hate to be a bother.” And I told her that we were going to stop so she could get something. And when she found a swimsuit that was 40% off, she said that she would just make what she was wearing work because she hated for me to have to spend $20 on her. Here is a child who has nothing, who was sent with her few belongings in a TRASH BAG and she didn’t want to burden me.

It makes me cry just to type it. There are times when I get frustrated with my situation. Where I think about the days where I used to be able to spend money on myself. There are times when I look in my closet and it is practically empty because I lost so much damn weight since I became a mom of four and nothing fits. And I get a little sad because I wish I could spend 100 bucks on clothes for me but I know I can’t because one of the kids needs that 100 bucks more. (I’m sure a lot of moms go through that.) But then there are moments when I see Snowbaby open her birthday presents, or Bug show off her new softball glove, or listen to Bubba brag about his flipflops or see Callie so thrilled by her bedspread…that I know that I would sacrifice anything for those moments.

Umm…not sure how to end this or what the whole point was anyway. Going back to work now.

Katie asked if I was able to get updates about Butterfly. I have been able to hear how she is doing. I’m not hearing as much as I did before, obviously, but I know she is doing OK. I have also taken part in a meeting to help decide her future and what will be the best course of action for her at this time.

Kikilia asked:

Does what happened to Butterfly have any bearing
on what happens to the kids regarding being returned to bio-parents?

Do the kid’s reactions after seeing bio-mom have any bearing on
custody?

Yes and Yes. They are reported to the court. Of course, it isn’t the deciding factor because there is really no way to know what is causing the behavior. For instance, Bubba had some really bad behavior today. Why? Did seeing his mom upset him? Is he afraid he will be sent back? Does he miss her? Is he confused? Is he terrified of her, or is he terrified of not being with her? Reports are done about every visit…how the parents act, how the children act, etc. If the bio-parents are required to bring things to the visit, like diapers, then whether they comply with that is noted.

As for Butterfly, same thing goes. Is she acting out because she is in foster care? Or does she have bigger issues? (My guess is that she has a lot of unaddressed issues.)

When a child has behavioral issues or medical issues or developmental issues, or a combination of these things, the court looks at it in terms of how the parent will be able to handle these issues. Do they have the ability to properly care for the needs of the children? Are they willing to follow up on the services? Will they take the child to counseling, to a doctor, to a speech therapist?

Unfortunately, when a child does the things Butterfly has done, it only hurts her ability to be reunified. It places an added burden on the bio-family to prove that they have the capability to deal with her behavior issues. That they have the ability to parent children with special needs. It requires a greater coordination of services than, for instance, what a newborn baby would require. Now not only is the parent required to make sure they have income and housing and a stable environment, but they also have to show that they have the ability to keep up with the appointments and services the children need.

And I will tell you the truth..it is hard for me, and I am educated and have income and a support system. Every day this week I have appointments with some type of service for the children. It is time consuming. It is expensive to drive them everywhere. What if I had to work outside the home? How could I make sure my child got to therapy and to speech and to the doctor and to tutoring if I had to work at a minimum wage job? I don’t think I could do it. I can’t imagine how difficult it must be for someone with diminished mental capabilities, a lack of understanding on proper ways to parent, a lack of income, no transportation, etc. Some days it feels like too much for me to do, and I know my situation is much better than a lot of the bio-families.

And of course, the worst part of the situation is that I strongly believe that many of the issues with all three of the children could have been avoided. That they require additional services now because of neglectful parenting. And now the parents will have to work extremely hard in order to get their own personal situation under control and become a strong advocate for their children. They need to take responsibility for their role in these problems and work to correct them. It is a hard road, for sure.

And now a word from Bug:

Hi Bug is back. Ok some of you wants to know what my stress thing is. Well you get a stress ball and when you breath in you squeeze the ball then when you breath out you let go slowly. Now if you want me to write about animals or stuff just tell my mom and she will tell me.

By: Bug
 

I’ll never understand why they design court houses the way they do. One narrow hallway with only one bench, so everyone who is waiting has to cram together and there are never enough seats. It is always really hot too. There are people dressed up, but lots of people who look like they just crawled in there from a bar or bed or something. Foster parents sit next to bio parents who sit next to kids who are in trouble.

And today there was the added bonus of a woman who seemed to have some sort of severe mental disorder. She talked SO loud and they kept coming out of the court room telling her to be quiet and she wouldn’t stop at all. She was going on and on about people cloning her, and how God was going to heal her but it didn’t really matter because she was going to be cloned. And she couldn’t find her lawyer, so she was going to kick his ass, and they could throw her in jail, but it didn’t matter because…..she was going to be cloned.

Finally our case was called. At this stage the hearing happen quick. The people involved meet prior to actually going into see the judge. And the judge pretty much signs off on what everyone else agreed to, unless there is a big issue. He makes some decisions, but seriously, the thing takes five minutes. All the information he needs is in a court report, and while additional evidence can be given, none was in my case. Mom and her lawyer, the social workers and the children’s lawyer all are given a chance to speak, but no one had anything extra to add. Then the children’s lawyer is asked her opinion. In our court, her opinion carries a lot of weight.

Basically what it boils down to is that the kids will be here for the next three months. And then we’ll do today over again.

I’m pleased. The parents aren’t ready to care for the children yet, so I think this is in their best interest.

So that is it for now. Oh, and all seems to be a go on our newest family member. She’ll be here later this week. More on that later.

1. Please read the post from Krissy Poopyhands and my post about my friend Ann. Please help. If you can give anything, please do.

2.

Bubba: Hey Mom! I like your face!!

3.

Me: No no baby, my head hurts.

Snowbaby: Ow? Hea?

Me: Yes, my head is ow.

Snowbaby: Ow? (Points at her head)

Me: Yes. Ow.

She then leaned over and started kissing me over and over on the head.

Snowbaby: BYE!!

4.

Bubba: Bug. I got roll.

Bug: MOMMM! I want a Tootsie Roll.

Bubba: NO BUG. MY ROLL. I go pee!

Me: He got it because he went pee in the potty.

Bug: If I go pee in the potty, can I get a Tootsie Roll?

5. For the past few days, we’ve been throwing around the idea of a new placement. She is a 15 year old biracial girl. Not at all who I thought I would have when I first started this whole thing, but she might be a very good addition to our family. More on this later.

Happy Friday!

(Subtitled: Why WOULDN’T I want to do foster care??–second in a series of posts of why I do this) 

Today I woke up.

I checked my email.

I went to the bathroom. On the way, Bubba said “Hi Mom! I laid in bed!”

I said, “Good morning Bubba! I love you! I’m proud of you for laying in bed!”

I came out of the bathroom.

Bubba and I went upstairs.

We saw Snowbaby, who was covered in poop from her head to her toes. (Don’t ask.)

She said, “MAMAMAMAMAMAMAMA!” and jumped up and down.

Bubba said, “Baby Poopy.”

I took the poopy baby and gave her a bath.

And then another one.

Then we got dressed. Snowbaby did good. Bubba did not do so good.

We got in the van.

I drove to Bubba’s school.

We dropped Bubba off.

Snowbaby and I went to Walmart.

We made a return.

We bought some yogurt, a pair of hip plaid shorts for Bubba, a High School Musical poster for Bug, some cranberry juice, and two loaves of bread.

And some infant cold medicine. WHICH I WAS CARDED FOR.

“Honey! I need to see your ID.”

“For the cough syrup? Are you serious?”

“Yes, well you don’t look like you were born before 1989!”

Oh my word.

I’m a disabled veteran. Mother of four.

And I got carded for cough syrup.

Then we went home.

Snowbaby took a nap.

I did some work.

Then we went to sign the big girls up for softball.

And then Snowbaby said her first two word sentence ever.

“LOVE YOU”

If you have a child who has significant behavioral issues, DO NOT FINALIZE THE ADOPTION until you have a chance to determine whether you could benefit from your child being staffed as a behavioral foster child.

If I had known that this was an option prior to Bug being adopted, I would have definitely done it. Why? Because having an additional $5000 a year could have a big impact on Bug’s life. We could help build up her college fund. We could pay for private tutoring. We could send her to camp, therapeautic horseback riding, all the classes she wants. We could pay for her homeschooling materials easily.

Some people feel funny asking about money for their children. They are so pleased that they finally got selected for a child that they don’t want to push it. After all, no one hands you a monthly check if you have a bio child.

But don’t do that. Don’t feel guilty. If you feel uncomfortable about it, think of the benefit to your child. I look at this money as Bug’s “reward” for having to put up with so much shit. Yes, if she was my bio child, I wouldn’t get this money for her. But as adoptive parents, especially of older children, we are asked to take on financial burdens that we might not have otherwise.

For instance, saving for higher education. A lot of parents start saving when the children are very young. I didn’t have that option.

I had to pay my way through college. I’d like Bug to have some sort of college fund available to her if she goes to college. I know that college will be a challenge for Bug on its own right, and having money set aside will help lessen her burden.

The thing is, no one will likely tell you what you can and can not get in your subsidy. They will not tell you that you do not have to finalize until you have a subsidy in place that is beneficial to your child. They might push you to finalize before you have all the information you need to know about your child.

In fact, my adoption was fast tracked. My six month waiting period was waived. Nobody told me that if I had taken a simple six week course, Bug could have been getting extra money each month. And we are getting close to having two years together. That is an extra $10,000 that Bug doesn’t have because I didn’t know.

So I’m telling you. I read your blogs. I know you have children like mine. ASK QUESTIONS. Ask what you can do to get a higher rate of pay. Find out everything you can about your subsidy.

And here’s another hint…YOUR SUBSIDY CAN BE CHANGED. If your circumstances have changed since you finalized, push for your subsidy to reflect that. For instance, I had mine changed to allow for Bug to receive day care benefits. When I adopted her, I was a student. I didn’t need daycare. But I should have done it anyway.

I pushed to have it done. I work from home now. That qualifies me for day care. Daycare for Bug means that she can go to day camp during the summer, something she desperately wants to do.

If you have already signed a subsidy that you think it not adequate, push to have it changed.

I am hoping to find some more links to pass on that will help guide you through the subsidy process. Don’t do what I did, which is say, “Um…they told me I couldn’t finalize without my subsidy, so um..could I pick that up?” And then I went to the office and signed it. I didn’t ask what else could be included. I didn’t ask if this is all she was entitled to. I just thought that it was.

Just remember, your child is entitled to that money. If you feel guilty about it, open a separate bank account and set up direct deposit, then only use that account when it directly benefits your child.

Ask questions. Know your rights. It is quite possible that your workers are doing everything they can to ensure that you have the best possible subsidy. It is also possible that they aren’t.

Don’t be afraid to ask for what you think your child needs.