I’ve been reading a few interesting discussions on foster care adoptions lately. First is Upside Down Adoption where she explains her reasons for adopting from foster care. And then this post by Foster Abba where she respond to this comment:
What is it about American kids that make them more worthy of a home than kids in other countries?
by American Family.
So, should Americans adopt Americans first? Instead of going to another country?
To answer that, I think we need to look at a few things. First, let’s talk about why people would choose to adopt from China.
- They want a child as young as possible.
- They would like a girl, and chances are they would end up with a girl.
- They want a more definative time line as to when they would get their child.
- They feel a connection to the Chinese culture.
- They have a family member who is Chinese.
- They do not wish to have contact with the first family of their child.
- They live in an area that has a strong Asian population and they feel they could raise their child in an appropriate multi-cultural setting.
- They feel that with an Asian child, they won’t have to deal with as many issues regarding race.
- They have a sense that “their child is in China.”
- They believe that adopting from China is a feminist thing to do.
- They feel drawn to the program after reading a book or seeing a movie.
- They want to have a child that does not have special needs.
- They don’t want to feel that you need to sell yourself to a social worker or potential birth parent.
I am probably missing some things, too. Now, there are obviously some errors in thinking in those reasons. First, you will have to deal with race if you adopt from China. Your child might have special needs that are undiagnosed. You may get a boy. China’s adoption program might slow down (like it has in the past year). You will still have to deal birth famlies, even if not directly. And who knows what the future will bring..in twenty years it might be commonplace for those children abandoned at birth to be able to seek out their birth families. We do not know how things will change or what will happen.
So why don’t people want to adopt from foster care? And are those reasons valid?
First, lets talk about the three ways you can adopt from foster care. You can become a foster parent. If a child that you are fostering does not become reunified with their parents, foster parents are first in line to adopt. You could participate in a foster to adopt program, in which you are licensed as a foster parent but you only take placements of children in which a TPR is likely to occur soon. It is still somewhat of a risk, but a much smaller one than straight foster care. Or you could go a straight adoption route, where the child’s parents have already had their rights terminated and they child is legally free for adoption. This is how I adopted Bug.
When most people think of foster care adoption, they think of the first scenario. This is why you hear people say, “I could never adopt from foster care because I don’t want to have to give the kid back.” If you become a foster parent, you need to understand that the goal is reunify the child with the birth family.
But you can still adopt from foster care and not have to worry about having to return a child. When I got Bug, there was no chance that she would be taken away. Of course, a child who is ready for adoption is generally going to be older. In order to get a young child, you need to be willing to take a legal risk. However, I’ve seen many people foster and end up with babies they got at birth. I’ve also seen children as young as two be available for adoption, with the TPR already complete. If you are not set on a baby, you can adopt from foster care and not have to worry about taking a risk.
Some people feel that they can not handle behavioral issues that are associated with children in foster care. Of course, most people do not realize that you can stipulate what you are willing to take. Also, you will receive detailed information regarding a child that you are interested in adopting prior to adopting them. A child adopted as an infant or even a biological child does not come with that type of information. I knew Bug’s issues before I got her. You don’t have to be willing to take a child with the same issues that I took in order to adopt.
I also think that race has a lot to do with waiting children. There are a lot of African-American children waiting to be adopted in foster care. In my county, there are only two or three foster homes who are willing to take African-American children. (I am one of them). If you take a look through my states’s photo listing, most of the children are black, and the ones that stay on there the longest are black. There are a number of reasons for this, but it is a different subject that I’ll talk about some other time.
So where am I going with this? When it comes down to it, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Adoption is simply another way to build your family.
If we are going to say that people should not adopt from China and should adopt from the US instead, we need to extend that and say that people should not have biological children, but should adopt from foster care instead. There is also the idea that we might be better off if we all looked at ourselves as global citizens. That what happens in China is just as important as what happens in our own country. That we should care what happens to children in China, and the Chinese should care what happens to children in this country, because we all share the same Earth. It might sound simple and idealized, but I think we need to care about children everywhere.
I think that we absolutely need to care what happens to children who are in foster care. I think we should try to educate people about why adopting from foster care is great. That is one reason why I try to keep this blog going, so people can see that Bug is just a kid. I hope that those of you who comment and say, “I love Bug” could maybe see yourself with your own Bug. And maybe you’ll make the call to try to find out how to make that possible.
But I also think that there are really three reasons to adopt: to save a child from poverty or a bad situation, to save a child’s soul, or to build a family. And I think the first two reasons are bogus. So sure, if you want to build your family, I would hope that you would seriously give some consideration to adopting from foster care because I think it is great. But you shouldn’t adopt from foster care because some kids need a place to sleep. What those kids need more is a mom/dad who loves them. Who wants them because they want a child to love. Sure, there are times when I can feel a little smug because I know that I did do something good by adopting Bug and making there be one less child in foster care. But the other 99.99% of the time, I’m just a mom, raising a little girl.
And ya’all, it’s HARD. (As Britney would say)
I know that if I got Bug simply because I wanted to help a needy child, then I would have lost my mind a long time ago. I have Bug because I wanted a child to love, and I think you have to have that mindset or else the child just becomes a burden, like a dog you rescued from the shelter that poops in your shoes.
You should adopt because you think it is a great way to add to your family, not because you want to save someone. And if you think your child is in China, then by all means go to China. If you don’t know where your child is, consider adopting from foster care.
And if you can’t adopt from foster care, but want to help foster children in the US, consider giving to programs that help foster kids, or find a foster family and give them a gift card to Walmart to help out when they get a last minute placement, or bring a foster mom lunch when she has to sit at the hospital with a sick baby (Thanks Lily!) or drop off some car seats to the local DFS, or drop by a Christmas card with some gift certificates for manicures to the DFS workers. There are a lot of ways you can support foster care and foster parents and foster kids without adopting one yourself.
Of course, I’d love it if you would adopt from foster care. I think it is wonderful. I love it when I get an email from someone who says that they are considering adopting from foster care after reading this blog. To me, there is no greater compliment.
But you need to adopt where you heart is.
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