Callie: What did she say? She didn’t say what I thought she said, did she?

Me: She told me to shut up. And then she said that I don’t do anything around here. That the only thing I do all day is talk to Geo on IM.

Callie: Oh man. Well, now I’m convinced. She’s insane. Because you know what I was thinking? I was thinking that when I grow up, I don’t want to do ANYTHING. So I thought the best way to accomplish that was to have five kids who all have to go to visits and therapy and who spend most of the day screaming like insane people. Because really, Mama Baggage, besides working and taking care of us and cooking and cleaning and laundry and driving, what do you do?? NOTHING.  It’s actually Bug who does everything around here. You should be ashamed.

Izzy: You are joking right?

Callie: Duh.

In softball and baseball, it is illegal for the pitcher to start pitching and then not actually throw the ball. In baseball, it is called a balk and the batter gets to go to first base. In softball, the rules vary slightly but in general, the pitch is illegal and is considered a ball.

Tonight at Bug’s softball game, the pitcher for the other team was balking on almost every pitch. She would wind up, go to throw and then stop. Wind up, go to throw and then stop.

My dad was the third base coach, and eventually he called a time-out and said that the girl was throwing illegal pitches. The umpire, who was umpiring for the first time ever, stared at him blankly. The other team’s coaches came out and argued that there was no balk rule in softball. My dad said that he wasn’t trying to call a balk, he was simply pointing out that the girl was throwing illegal pitches and that it was confusing to our batters. Some parents on the other team started heckling my dad. Their coaches kept arguing. The umpire kept staring blankly. And then the other team’s pitcher started to cry.

Now personally, I believe in the whole “There’s no crying in baseball!” If Bug wants to be an athlete, I don’t like her to cry unless she breaks her arm or something. Being a pitcher is largely mental. You have to have a mental game and nobody was even talking to this girl. At no point did my dad ever even address the little girl, just the useless ump.

Anyway, once the girl started to cry, the crowd turned on my dad who was now suddenly being admonished to be a “good sport” even though he was simply pointing out that the girl was playing the game..well wrong. But I guess they thought we should have let Bug just go around the bases, even though she never hit the ball, because we didn’t want to hurt her pretty little feelings.

So the game starts back up, and I see this woman come over and walk over to our bench with a camera. And she starts mouthing off about how she is going to get pissed. She then taps my dad on the shoulder and sticks her finger in his face screaming that he better not make her daughter cry and all this other nonsense. My dad, who is getting pissed, tells her that for starters, she needs to get her finger out of his face.

This isn’t good.

So I go over, and get in between this woman and my dad. And she starts into me, screaming and yelling and shoving me. I very calmly keep telling her that she needs to go back to her side. I just keep repeating that she needs to go back over to her side. She keeps yelling at me. At some point she KNOCKS OVER SNOWBABY ONTO THE GROUND.

She starts to walk away again, and she says, “You don’t have the right to say anything to me,” and I said, “Well then go back over to your side.” So she comes charging at me again, and then the head coach comes over (I hate this guy) and he treats me like I’m five and tells me to sit down.

Even though I was being completely calm. And I say, “No sir. I’m not. She needs to go back to her own side.” And then she goes away.

Meanwhile, our catcher has gotten confused..I think by the umpire..and she starts to cry too. At some point, the other assistant coach (whom Callie has termed “psycho mom”) goes out to comfort her and the asshole coach (AC) tells her not to, and they get into words.

THEN, the grandfather of our catcher, who looks like he is mentally deranged, asks the stupid preppy high school scorekeeper with an attitude about why his granddaughter is crying.

Preppy says, “Because that coach was complaining about the way she was playing” and points to my dad. Because Preppy thought that his granddaughter was the other team’s pitcher.

So the grandfather comes over and tries to kick my dad’s ass. At one point, he was screaming that if my dad ever made his granddaughter cry again, then he was going to pull her off the team and not let her play anymore.

And my dad said, “But she is not on my team!” because he thought this guy was the grandfather of the other team’s pitcher.

Isn’t this the most ridiculous thing ever?

So at some point, someone clues Grandpa in and he slinks off, embarassed.

Then some parks and rec people come along and want to know what happened and I make sure to tell them that the woman knocked Snowbaby on the ground.

And then Callie, who spends most softball games complaining about how much she hates being there said, “THAT WAS THE BEST SOFTGALL GAME EVER!!!!”

Go team!!

Bug’s team: 0 wins, 2 losses

BUT! Bug did good! She got a hit! She scored! Right now their team is machine pitch, but they will be switching over to live pitch soon. We all think Bug has potential to be a good pitcher, so she played the position of “pitcher” last night, where the machine pitches but she fields the ball. And she did good. My Dad talked to her once about talking back to him, and I said something to her once about doing attention-seeking behavior with the other coach, but other than that she did good. I’m proud of the little muchkin.

Thanks for your house rules too! I’m still trying to figure out what to do in regards to the Callie situation. There is more too it, as well, because she tends to not eat in order to lose weight. So I think part of the “I don’t like this” issue has to do with her trying to get out of eating meals. Which obviously is not good. Callie had a major breakdown last night, just sobbing her eyes out. In some ways I’m glad, because she felt comfortable enough to express how she felt, and although she didn’t want to talk at first, she did open up and talk about why she was sad. Which is progress.

Oh! I get to give something away to you folks! There is a new show on HBO called Flight of the Conchords.

About the show:

Flight of the Conchords follows the trials and tribulations of a two man, digi-folk band from New Zealand as they try to make a name for themselves in their adopted home of New York City. The band is made up of Bret McKenzie on guitar and vocals, and Jemaine Clement on guitar and vocals.

Bret and Jemaine have moved to New York in the hope of forging a successful music career. So far they’ve managed to find a manager (whose “other” job is at the New Zealand Consulate), one fan (a married obsessive) and one friend (who owns the local pawn shop) — but not much else.

You can watch the full first episode on the website.

If you are the lucky winner you get:

1 Robot Stress Reliever

1 DVD of the 1st episode

1 Poster

1 Tshirt

1 Postcard

And the overwhelming joy that comes from knowing you won. To enter, all you have to do is leave a comment on this post. About anything. Bug will pick the winner next Friday, June 1st.

Good Luck!

*** Read up on various brands of softball equipment before you spend lots of money.

Snowbaby got her own birthday cake today (dairy free of course) and she was the happiest I’ve ever seen her.

But if anyone tried to touch her cake, in ANY way, she GROWLED at them. GROWLED.

It was the funniest damn thing I’ve ever seen in my life. I’ve got to figure out how to get the video up in the password protected section because you will pee your pants.

Seriously.

She also was quite happy with her selection of “dough” (modeling clay) which she immediately stuck in her mouth. When we told her it was dough, she got a big smile on her face and started smashing it into shapes.

I about died from all the cuteness.

In other news, Bug’s behavior stinks, she is crazy jealous about everyone (Callie never gets in trouble! Why does Snowbaby get her own cake? Why can’t I get any presents today??) and she is refusing to do any schoolwork, ever. Her sense of cause and effect is completely shot. She didn’t do what she was told and got sent to bed? Why? Because Mom is mean and she likes Callie better. She has to clean the house because Mom is mean, not because she threw raw eggs all over it. Why does she have to do schoolwork? Because everyone is trying to make her miserable.

In other news, she started shaving her legs.

Not at all related, but felt I should mention it.

Night Night.

Boy you guys have a lot of questions!

Here are some quick answers:

Does your DFS do anything like lifebooks, so she at least has a little of her history to take with her? 

Foster parents are supposed to start one within 30 days of the kid’s arrival. Callie does not have one.

I know you never told Butterfly about the blog, will you tell Callie?

Probably not. Maybe that I write for a website. I probably will not write a lot about her on here for that reason.

Does Callie have siblings elsewhere?

Yes.

How long has she been in the system? 

About a year and a half.

When you were originally approved to foster your house was certified for 4 kids (if memory serves), now that you have a bigger house, can you take more than 4?  Does the 4 include Bug?

I am licensed for six children. I think that includes Bug.

Would you take more if they were offered?

If the circumstances were right. I’ve talked to DFS about the kind of kids who would fit in here at this point. It would just really depend on a lot of things..the kids, their issues, how the other kids were doing at the time, what the plan for the case was.

How long will callie be with you?

I have no idea.

Is there any hopes of reunification?

Maybe. Not a very strong chance.

With the age difference, will she and bug share a room, or will the rooms
stay seperated as they were when butterfly was there?

Separate. Bug and Callie have their own rooms and the little ones share a room.

How are the little guy and snow baby doing without butterfly there, and have you heard any additional reports in regards to her mental stability or long term
placement/reunification goals?

They are doing just fine. They have really not said anything about her being gone. I figure they assume their life is messed up as it is, so they are not surprised. I talked a little bit about the other part of the question a few posts back. The goal for these kids is still reunification.

Will this make it harder on her parents to get the other two back as well or will that not play into it?

Again, I talked about this a little ways back, but no..not really. The main goal is addressing the reasons the kids were taken into care in the first place and making sure the services that have been started for them are continued. Their behavior problems and delays were not why the came into care. There were other substantial reasons which have to be addressed before they would be allowed to go home.

OK, I have a busy day of running around today and a birthday to celebrate, so I’m off. Feel free to ask any other questions, like why McDreamy is so damn inconsistent? Bad writing? It is hard to love Patrick Dempsey as much when his character is such an ass.

and apparently she misses Butterfly and is mad that Carters didn’t have anything in her size, so Snowbaby got one more outfit than she did…

so she poured chocolate sauce on the entertainment center, opened a soda and dumped it on the floor, took all the pictures off the wall and threw them on the floor, took everything out of the closet I had just cleaned and threw it all over the floor, took a carton of eggs and threw raw eggs all over the porch and the windows of the front of the house and threw all the movies and toys she could find all over the floor. She also gave me a Peeps egg which she had written “I Hate You” on and presented it to me in front of the social worker here for a home visit with Bubba and Snowbaby.

And now she is upset because she thinks she is going to be embarassed because of what she did when her new sister comes and she doesn’t want her to know that she misbehaved.

Um. OK.

Edited to add: Situation resolved. I did what they told me, which was not respond in any way. Eventually she gave up and started crying. I comforted her, we talked, and now she is cleaning up her mess. She really wants to go pick up Big Sis, so our deal was if she fixes the house, then she can go.

And then Bubba and Snowbaby colored all over the wall. Nice.

Dear Magic Eraser people,

Please send me a lifetime supply. Please.

Thanks,

Baggage

Katie asked if I was able to get updates about Butterfly. I have been able to hear how she is doing. I’m not hearing as much as I did before, obviously, but I know she is doing OK. I have also taken part in a meeting to help decide her future and what will be the best course of action for her at this time.

Kikilia asked:

Does what happened to Butterfly have any bearing
on what happens to the kids regarding being returned to bio-parents?

Do the kid’s reactions after seeing bio-mom have any bearing on
custody?

Yes and Yes. They are reported to the court. Of course, it isn’t the deciding factor because there is really no way to know what is causing the behavior. For instance, Bubba had some really bad behavior today. Why? Did seeing his mom upset him? Is he afraid he will be sent back? Does he miss her? Is he confused? Is he terrified of her, or is he terrified of not being with her? Reports are done about every visit…how the parents act, how the children act, etc. If the bio-parents are required to bring things to the visit, like diapers, then whether they comply with that is noted.

As for Butterfly, same thing goes. Is she acting out because she is in foster care? Or does she have bigger issues? (My guess is that she has a lot of unaddressed issues.)

When a child has behavioral issues or medical issues or developmental issues, or a combination of these things, the court looks at it in terms of how the parent will be able to handle these issues. Do they have the ability to properly care for the needs of the children? Are they willing to follow up on the services? Will they take the child to counseling, to a doctor, to a speech therapist?

Unfortunately, when a child does the things Butterfly has done, it only hurts her ability to be reunified. It places an added burden on the bio-family to prove that they have the capability to deal with her behavior issues. That they have the ability to parent children with special needs. It requires a greater coordination of services than, for instance, what a newborn baby would require. Now not only is the parent required to make sure they have income and housing and a stable environment, but they also have to show that they have the ability to keep up with the appointments and services the children need.

And I will tell you the truth..it is hard for me, and I am educated and have income and a support system. Every day this week I have appointments with some type of service for the children. It is time consuming. It is expensive to drive them everywhere. What if I had to work outside the home? How could I make sure my child got to therapy and to speech and to the doctor and to tutoring if I had to work at a minimum wage job? I don’t think I could do it. I can’t imagine how difficult it must be for someone with diminished mental capabilities, a lack of understanding on proper ways to parent, a lack of income, no transportation, etc. Some days it feels like too much for me to do, and I know my situation is much better than a lot of the bio-families.

And of course, the worst part of the situation is that I strongly believe that many of the issues with all three of the children could have been avoided. That they require additional services now because of neglectful parenting. And now the parents will have to work extremely hard in order to get their own personal situation under control and become a strong advocate for their children. They need to take responsibility for their role in these problems and work to correct them. It is a hard road, for sure.

And now a word from Bug:

Hi Bug is back. Ok some of you wants to know what my stress thing is. Well you get a stress ball and when you breath in you squeeze the ball then when you breath out you let go slowly. Now if you want me to write about animals or stuff just tell my mom and she will tell me.

By: Bug
 

It is so nice to have Buggy home. While she was gone, my dad cleaned out her room really well. She had been moved in there when she and Butterfly were unable to share a room, and it had never gotten set up nice. I cleaned out the closet and hung up posters for her. She wanted one of those mosquito net looking canopies so I got that for her. My dad moved a bookcase in her room and organized all the books and cleaned out her desk.

She was thrilled. This morning she got up and made her bed and picked up her stuff without complaining.

She seems a lot more balanced. There is some indication that she might have bipolar disorder, which does seem to fit how she acted before. Since she has been back, she seems a lot more even.

I forgot how big she is now. She is as tall as me and actually weighs a few pounds more. She is going to be tall and beautiful. I can tell.

One issue Bug has is control. She wants to be in control of every situation and she manipulates situations as well as she can to put herself in control. Her therapist was able to give me some good ideas regarding that. It is very normal for her to feel this way, in fact, I have a lot of control issues myself related to my sexual abuse, so I can understand where Bug is coming from.

One thing I’ve learned from her therapist is to give Bug as much control as possible, while maintaining control over her control. Does that make sense?

For instance, Bug is now on a daily schedule. Her schedule is broken down into 10, 30 and 60 minute chunks. Her day is scheduled from the second she gets up to the second she goes to bed. I made the schedule, I’m in charge of enforcing the schedule, and I even keep track of the time to let Bug know when it is time to move to the next thing on her schedule.

But at the same time, the schedule gives Bug freedom to control what she does. She is given slots of time to work on particular school subjects, but she is permitted to determine what lessons she wants to work on. (If she doesn’t do an adequate job during the week, she has to make up work on the weekends.) She has free time allotted where she can pick what she wants to do. She has reading time where she can choose what she wants to read. She had free play time scheduled with Snowbaby where Bug can decide what they play. She has quiet time scheduled where she can decide whether she wants to nap, read, write or do art work.

So Bug feels like she is in control of what she is doing during the day, when in reality she is following a schedule that I set up that dictates what she is allowed to do. She is so excited that she gets to pick what she does during the day, without even realizing that she is, in fact, doing what I tell her.

We’ve only been doing it since this morning, but it has been very effective. Bug has been working hard, with no complaints. She knows when she is allowed to do certain things, so she doesn’t keep coming in here and asking if she can do this or that.

It is a very good technique for us, I think. It helps Bug feel in control, it allows me to maintain control without having to fight her for it, and it gives her a sense of stability.

If anyone is interested, I can post the schedule that we are using.

I learned some other techniques that I’ll talk about in the next few posts. Bug is also going to do some guest posting. She was very thrilled to get your messages. “I’m so famous!” she said.

I know that are problems aren’t going to go away right away, but I’m hoping with some new techniques, the right balance of medication, and a little bit of effort on both of our parts, she will continue to improve and be able to heal.

Bug’s feeling better. She’s been able to eat both her meals and keep them down. She said the doctor said she would probably be released tomorrow or Saturday.

She also got a new watch and thinks it is TIGHT that people are leaving message for her on the blog.

She definitely sounds a lot more stable and happy than I’ve heard her in awhile.

Bug: Oh! Mommy! They have these things here! You can call, even if my phone time is over, and leave a message! And they put it on a piece of paper and hang it on your door! So can you?

Me: Call and leave you a message?

Bug: Yeah! Call and leave me a message that says you love me!!!