For the past almost three months, Bubba went to having no idea what his name was to saying his name was “Bu” and leaving out that “bba” part.

But today, he finally is able to say his name! Yay for Bubba!

And yesterday, Snowbaby finally caught onto nodding yes. It is like a whole new world of communication has opened up. Now everything is not NO. Now she can say, “Yes! I did just throw up on your bed!”

Darn kids. They make me so freaking proud.

Dear Snowbaby,

Perhaps I wasn’t very clear in my last letter.

I adore you. I love the hell out of you.

I did think of a few ways we could improve our relationship though.

For instance, maybe you could not puke on me three times during the night? Oh, and I do a lot better when I have more than 35 minutes of sleep. But I did like playing peek a boo at 4:37 a.m. That was fun. We should do more of that, but let’s schedule it for like 10:30 instead?

Until then, I’ll just sit here and type with you in my arms and hope that your fever breaks and that I don’t fall asleep and bang my head into the desk, rendering me unconscious.

Love always,

Mamamamamamma

Dear Snowbaby,

Oh how I love you. I love you from your the top of your nearly bald head to the bottom your cute little toes.

But please. I’m having a bad day. A bad week, actually. And I know I’m the big one and you are just the little tiny one and my job is to take care of you, but could you please stop throwing up?

Oh, and that fever thing? Quit that nonsense too, would ya?

All my love,

MAMAMAMAMAMAMAMAMAMMAMAMAMAMAMAMAMAMA

aka Baggage

Having a diagnosis for Bug, especially one that I believe to be accurate, has been somewhat helpful to me.

It makes me feel like I have new things I can try (since the old things obviously aren’t working great). Reading stories and articles that talk about other parents and their struggles makes me feel better. I feel empowered to help Bug. I feel like I have a better idea of what I can do and how to do it. I’ve been reading, bookmarking, reaching out to those I know who can help her.

Despite this, I feel like utter shit, folks.

I have had a sinus infection since the dawn of time. If I bend over to pick up Snowbaby, my head feels like it is going to fall off. I have a to-do list the size of Montana. Luckily, Dad has been coming over and cleaning and Mom has been listening to my ranting.

But I’m sick. I’m exhuasted in every way a person can be exhausted. My mucles are so sore. I feel like someone beat the crap out of me. I’m doing my best to take care of myself, forcing myself to eat, trying to sleep but the nightmares are keeping me up. If they aren’t, Bubba’s continual coughing in the next room is.

What I need to do is take my blanket and Snowbaby and a large cup of tea and curl on the couch and watch my Grey’s Anatomy DVDs.

I know. I’m the captain of this ship. The pilot of this airplane. Take care of me first.

Except of course, I don’t have time to take care of myself. The baby is sick, Bubba has a bad cough, my room is so messy I can’t barely walk into it, and my bank account is empty. Did I mention that I find it nearly impossible to work right now? I can’t work. I can’t think. I can’t breathe. I’ve been sitting at my computer for two hours thinking: I MUST WORK TODAY. But when I start to work, my mind goes off to something else and then my timer goes off and I didn’t get anything done. Nothing.

I want my girls back home. I want my babies to feel better. I want this horrid pain in my shoulder to go away and I want to be able to pass air through my nostrils. I want money in my bank account. I want to be able to talk to my daughters without giving someone a code number and without a five minute timer going off.

This concludes this vent.

The hospital just called me to let me know that Bug had been diagnosed with reactive attachment disorder.

I’ve suspected this for awhile, and to hear them say that broke my heart.

She also has been diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder and a mood disorder.

She has started on a new medication to try to stabilize her moods.

She didn’t have a very good day today. She has been flirting with one of the male patients and she was threatening another male patient as well.

I’m very sad. I don’t want to think that Bug doesn’t have a healthy attachment to me. But I’ve suspected she doesn’t for awhile. I don’t want to think that she doesn’t have the ability to trust anyone. I don’t want to think that she doesn’t have a conscience.

I don’t know what else to say, except I’m very sad.

Here is a link where you can read more about reactive attachment disorder.

(Subtitled: Why WOULDN’T I want to do foster care??–second in a series of posts of why I do this) 

Today I woke up.

I checked my email.

I went to the bathroom. On the way, Bubba said “Hi Mom! I laid in bed!”

I said, “Good morning Bubba! I love you! I’m proud of you for laying in bed!”

I came out of the bathroom.

Bubba and I went upstairs.

We saw Snowbaby, who was covered in poop from her head to her toes. (Don’t ask.)

She said, “MAMAMAMAMAMAMAMA!” and jumped up and down.

Bubba said, “Baby Poopy.”

I took the poopy baby and gave her a bath.

And then another one.

Then we got dressed. Snowbaby did good. Bubba did not do so good.

We got in the van.

I drove to Bubba’s school.

We dropped Bubba off.

Snowbaby and I went to Walmart.

We made a return.

We bought some yogurt, a pair of hip plaid shorts for Bubba, a High School Musical poster for Bug, some cranberry juice, and two loaves of bread.

And some infant cold medicine. WHICH I WAS CARDED FOR.

“Honey! I need to see your ID.”

“For the cough syrup? Are you serious?”

“Yes, well you don’t look like you were born before 1989!”

Oh my word.

I’m a disabled veteran. Mother of four.

And I got carded for cough syrup.

Then we went home.

Snowbaby took a nap.

I did some work.

Then we went to sign the big girls up for softball.

And then Snowbaby said her first two word sentence ever.

“LOVE YOU”

If you have a child who has significant behavioral issues, DO NOT FINALIZE THE ADOPTION until you have a chance to determine whether you could benefit from your child being staffed as a behavioral foster child.

If I had known that this was an option prior to Bug being adopted, I would have definitely done it. Why? Because having an additional $5000 a year could have a big impact on Bug’s life. We could help build up her college fund. We could pay for private tutoring. We could send her to camp, therapeautic horseback riding, all the classes she wants. We could pay for her homeschooling materials easily.

Some people feel funny asking about money for their children. They are so pleased that they finally got selected for a child that they don’t want to push it. After all, no one hands you a monthly check if you have a bio child.

But don’t do that. Don’t feel guilty. If you feel uncomfortable about it, think of the benefit to your child. I look at this money as Bug’s “reward” for having to put up with so much shit. Yes, if she was my bio child, I wouldn’t get this money for her. But as adoptive parents, especially of older children, we are asked to take on financial burdens that we might not have otherwise.

For instance, saving for higher education. A lot of parents start saving when the children are very young. I didn’t have that option.

I had to pay my way through college. I’d like Bug to have some sort of college fund available to her if she goes to college. I know that college will be a challenge for Bug on its own right, and having money set aside will help lessen her burden.

The thing is, no one will likely tell you what you can and can not get in your subsidy. They will not tell you that you do not have to finalize until you have a subsidy in place that is beneficial to your child. They might push you to finalize before you have all the information you need to know about your child.

In fact, my adoption was fast tracked. My six month waiting period was waived. Nobody told me that if I had taken a simple six week course, Bug could have been getting extra money each month. And we are getting close to having two years together. That is an extra $10,000 that Bug doesn’t have because I didn’t know.

So I’m telling you. I read your blogs. I know you have children like mine. ASK QUESTIONS. Ask what you can do to get a higher rate of pay. Find out everything you can about your subsidy.

And here’s another hint…YOUR SUBSIDY CAN BE CHANGED. If your circumstances have changed since you finalized, push for your subsidy to reflect that. For instance, I had mine changed to allow for Bug to receive day care benefits. When I adopted her, I was a student. I didn’t need daycare. But I should have done it anyway.

I pushed to have it done. I work from home now. That qualifies me for day care. Daycare for Bug means that she can go to day camp during the summer, something she desperately wants to do.

If you have already signed a subsidy that you think it not adequate, push to have it changed.

I am hoping to find some more links to pass on that will help guide you through the subsidy process. Don’t do what I did, which is say, “Um…they told me I couldn’t finalize without my subsidy, so um..could I pick that up?” And then I went to the office and signed it. I didn’t ask what else could be included. I didn’t ask if this is all she was entitled to. I just thought that it was.

Just remember, your child is entitled to that money. If you feel guilty about it, open a separate bank account and set up direct deposit, then only use that account when it directly benefits your child.

Ask questions. Know your rights. It is quite possible that your workers are doing everything they can to ensure that you have the best possible subsidy. It is also possible that they aren’t.

Don’t be afraid to ask for what you think your child needs.