Praising and Delurking
Yondalla had some great thoughts about praise on her blog…those of you interested in the behavior stuff I was talking about yesterday should check it out, especially if you have foster/adoptive children.
I don’t know if I have mentioned it before here, but I have a bad temper. It is a lot worse when I’m not on Wellbutrin. My brother and Dad have pretty quick tempers too, and I don’t know if it is a genetic thing or I have built up anger due to my abuse or what.
But I do have a quick temper, which isn’t great when you have a kid like Bug. I’ve had to really work at staying patient, watching my tone of voice, etc. It is especially hard because I believe I need to be strict with her and keep firm guidelines but she fights things so hard that it is hard to stay calm.
Yesterday I tried doing what I learned in my behavior class. First, Bug got her report card yesterday. She had 2 B’s, a B- and 2 C-’s. I needed to address the C-’s, but I made sure that I did it in a very matter of fact way. First, I reiterated that everyone knows Bug is very smart and that she is able to make good grades. I reiterated the importance of good grades if you want to grow up and be a vet. (Bug: “But I play the vet game on the computer..I already know everything there is to know!”) I said that because she had not worked hard enough (which I know is the case for these classes..these are the classes that she has had missing assignments in and not studied for tests) that she has chosen to give up 30 minutes of her TV/game time in order to study. That she has chosen to bring home her science and social studies book every day until the grades come up.
Then I went back downstairs. About twenty minutes later, I came back up and discussed with her how I was proud about her B’s. That it was good that she had good citizenship marks. That I was glad she participated well in music and art. I tried to keep the criticism and the praise separate.
Last night though, Bug was a mess. She was hyper and crazy and whiny and pouty. I worked really hard to keep my tone quiet and praise her. For instance, she had to do 10 minutes in the kitchen every night. But she was too hyper and was not doing things correctly. She was basically bouncing around and just wasting time. So I told her she would have to make up the time she was wasting after the 10 minutes was up. She flung her head down on the counter and started fake crying and shrieking. I said, “Bug. Stand up please. Bug. Stand up please.” And as soon as she halfway lifted her head, I said, “Thanks for standing up.” And then she calmed down and did it.
I don’t know if it had any effect on her behavior yet, but it does have an effect on my behavior. It is much easier to stay calm when you force yourself to look for the good things she is doing. I felt much better about the evening than I normally would.
If you try out any of these behavior methods, let me know how they work for you or what you learn. I’ll keep you updated on what I learn in my classes.
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Ok, I wasn’t going to mention this because I had a lot of lurkers delurk when I set up the password (which by the way, some of the people I sent passwords to, your email bounced back..so if you didn’t get a password and you want one let me know).
But I know there are still lurkers who didn’t ask for the password because they were lurkers.
Anyway, it is National Delurking Week. So if you lurk, can you delurk and say hi? Then you can go back into lurkdom if you want.
I was thinking about whether I was a lurker, and I know I am. I have hundreds of blogs in my google reader and I only comment on a few a day. (Damn dialup) I am going to try to comment more, because everyone likes comments, unless they are like “Baggage YOU SUCK.”
So delurk and tell me whatever you feel like saying, unless it is that I suck, in which case you probably should just stay lurking.
Oh, and one more thing. My Mom is starting a new meme kind of thing on her blog with another blogger. It is for people who want to lose weight. Basically you make a commitment to add 1 minute of workout time for each comment you get. It is nice because everyone likes comments, but on the other hand if you don’t get comments, then you are happy because you get to sit on your butt more. Anyway, go read about it on her blog and join in if you’d like.
Edited to add: Queermom asked if I had thought about praising Bug first and then talking about the C’s. I did it in the order that I did it because #1 Bug asked me if I thought the report card was good. I said, “I think parts of it are good but I want to talk about the C’s first.” I am the kind of person who wants to get bad news over with first. Plus, I thought by praising her after I had talked about the C’s would leave a better “feel” in the air. We left the conversation on a positive note rather than on a negative note. It probably could have been done either way. But I also made certain to phrase the C talk in a way that was positive as well, “I know you are way smarter than this report card shows. I know that you are very good at science, so there is no reason to get a C.”Â
It’s all trial and error at this point for me. Â
Technorati Tags: delurking week, praise, parenting, behavior modification, weight loss
January 10th, 2007 at 7:49 pm
alright…i’m delurking…LOL. i’m a newly licensed foster mom (still waiting on the first kid) and i like reading about your episodes with bug and fostering. =) i’m like you…i read a lot of blogs but don’t have time to comment on all of them. And going back to lurkdom now. Haha. =)
January 10th, 2007 at 8:40 pm
Did you see my last comment? I understand if you don’t send me the password - I just wanted to check that I put my email in correctly last time.
January 10th, 2007 at 8:43 pm
lurker smiling and waving at you
January 10th, 2007 at 8:48 pm
coming out of lurkdom to say hi. I am a foster mom and like reading blogs of other foster/adoptive parents. Great blog!
January 10th, 2007 at 8:51 pm
hi cg!
i really like the info about praise. i was wondering if you’d given any thought as to whether you considered praising good grades first and later bringing up the c’s or if you specifically chose to do it the other way around first. i’m not sure which i would’ve done…just wondering.
phew, i’ve delurked!
QM
January 10th, 2007 at 9:02 pm
I commented once before. I’m pretty sure it was something about boo Cubs. Hahaha.
Anyway, delurking again. To say hi. I’d like to read your blog more so if were still sending out passwords you can send one my way, if you’d like
January 10th, 2007 at 9:06 pm
yes yes semi delurking
January 10th, 2007 at 9:19 pm
Delurking in Wisconsin to say hi and to humbly request the password even though I am a lurker. (Why must we use that term? It seems so…creepy)
January 10th, 2007 at 9:22 pm
I’m not delurking. I always write a comment when I have time to read your blog.
Great job w/ Bugsy!
Oh, can I have the password?
January 10th, 2007 at 9:30 pm
I am a semi-lurker - I sometimes lurk for months at a time, then sometimes you say something that really speaks to me so I have to comment. So… um… something random? I’m bisexual and have a massive crush on Lucy Griffiths, who is the actress playing Marian on the BBC’s new adaptation of Robin Hood. Can’t help it - she’s incredibly pretty. Currently, my blog is plastered with pictures of her, which I was uploading whilst I should have been memorising Hamlet’s ‘too, too sallied flesh’ monologue. Because I am just. that. obsessive. ^_^
And with that random glimpse into the psyche of one of your semi-lurkers…
January 10th, 2007 at 9:47 pm
I don’t comment nearly as often as I read your blog. So Hi! I am a mom of 2. I live in the midwest. I enjoy your frequent posts and tales of mothering. (mine are small, so Bug is the future)
January 10th, 2007 at 9:52 pm
De-lurking… I used to read infertility blogs (and often posted there as “unexplained”). I still read a few (Julie and Julia), but now read blogs about older child adoption (well, yours and gawdessness - I’m always looking for more…) Our 5 3/4-year-old daughter was placed with us 5 months ago (her bio-mom is my cousin); the petition to adopt will be submitted in a month. I’m really enjoying all of the discussions re: behavior management!
January 10th, 2007 at 10:01 pm
Hi! I’m just de-lurking to say I really enjoy reading your blog. We’re about the same age, I think, and sometimes I read your entries and ask myself, “could I do that?” and most of the time the answer is no - but maybe I’m selling myself a little short. But then again, I can’t keep plants alive, so who knows if I should think about kids? Thanks for posting about your adventures parenting Bug. Parenting is pretty far off in the future for me, but I do think about adoption alot, and this gives me lots to think about.
January 10th, 2007 at 10:50 pm
Yours is one blog where I’m actually not a lurker, but I’ll still stop in and say hi today
January 11th, 2007 at 12:52 am
Delurking:-) BTW, my password doesn’t work!!
January 11th, 2007 at 1:15 am
I’m delurking. Hi from Brazil! I started reading blogs to improve my English. As you can see it didn’t work. Well at least I have fun reading about Bug’s tantrums (I had no idea what tantrum meant, I had to look up in dictionary). I think you are doing a great job with Bug!
January 11th, 2007 at 1:44 am
Flavia, your english on that comment ^ was great!
January 11th, 2007 at 2:16 am
I’m a terrible lurker, and one of my resolution’s is to be better about commenting. So here I am again! I think the order in which you talked about Bug’s grades was great, it’s always nice to walk away on an upbeat note!
January 11th, 2007 at 2:29 am
Hello-
I too lurk and have little time to comment. My partner and I have two daughters adopted through foster care (although much younger than Bug). I enjoy your style of writing, your honesty and your commitment to posting so frequently!
January 11th, 2007 at 2:37 am
hi, i think i’m still a lurker. great job with the praise. personally, i think that it is better to start off with the criticism. that way they are not expecting criticism to be follow praise. my mom always did praise first. followed by criticism, and even now I get defensive when she praises me.
January 11th, 2007 at 3:04 am
Hello. I’m de-lurking to say hi. I love reading your blog. I just came back from visiting relatives in Mexico & had 3 weeks worth of your blog to catch up on. Could you please send me the password? I feel like I’m missing out on something really important.
January 11th, 2007 at 6:06 am
I lurk constantly. I always feel like I’m going to say something stupid and it’ll get taken the wrong way even when it’s something so totally not a big deal (Like “I really wish it would snow” somehow morphing into “I hate everyone that doesn’t like snow!” … Wow, what a fantastic example that was. lol). Either way hi. And I sort of feel like I’ve been pestering you re: the password thing so I think maybe I’ll shut up now.
January 11th, 2007 at 1:34 pm
I’ve commented before, but most of the time I don’t leave comments. I do love reading your blog though. I’m a future foster adoptive mother. I’ve just started classes. Thanks for the information, wit, and humor!
January 11th, 2007 at 2:39 pm
Delurking to say ‘Hi!’.
January 11th, 2007 at 3:07 pm
I’m not necessarily a lurker (I’ve commented before) but I made a comment about loving to have your password and hadn’t heard anything. I didn’t know if you were limiting the passwords you gave out but wanted to let you know I would still love to have it if you wouldn’t mind sending it my way. Thanks! Brandy
January 11th, 2007 at 3:27 pm
I’ve commented here and there before, starting back with the Cubbie blog, and following to the first baggage site and then to here. I love reading about ya’lls adventures and I’d love a password if you so choose.
January 11th, 2007 at 3:30 pm
Hi! I think I might have commented once before, but I’m mostly a lurker. I have younger kids–my four-year-old is going through a very ‘talk-backy’ stage, and this parenting technique is interesting; I’ll have to try it.
And I liked Bug’s 13!
I’d love to have a password if you feel comfortable sending me one.
January 11th, 2007 at 3:31 pm
I’ve been a “baggage” lurker for over a year now. I usally read your posts while I’m working, since I don’t have much time at home to “dial-up”. I really enjoy knowing that I’m not the only one that goes crazy about things. It’s very refreshing to know we are all human. I’ve had and still have my fair share of displine issues, I adopted my step-daughter and even though she was 2yrs old, and the bio-mother has had no involvements with her since she was 1yrs old, I still issues we deal with. Anywho I’m still hoping for a password, I don’t know if my email address was one that was rejected, but asking again.
January 11th, 2007 at 7:37 pm
I’m a mostly-lurker, sometimes-commenter. Hi.
I’m really trying to do better with commenting more often when I visit blogs; maybe this year! I’d be happy to swap passwords with you, if it’s okay.
January 11th, 2007 at 9:03 pm
Okay, okay, delurking! I have been reading you since around the time you first met Bug. I really enjoy your unique (to the blogs I read, anyway) situation. Best wishes in the BDH. If you want to send me the password, that would be cool. I, too, am about your age and I think you rock for taking on a pre-teen and maybe more. I have a seven-month-old and that is enough for me!
January 11th, 2007 at 10:40 pm
Delurking.
I’ve actually been lurking since the cubbiegirl days when you first got Bug and when that one when PW-protected I delurked at the time. I found your blog from http://yanata.livejournal.com… if you wanted to send me a PW for this blog, I’d love to read, but if you don’t want to I won’t be offended. 
You can look at my LJ userinfo page for info about me…
January 11th, 2007 at 11:14 pm
Lurker here, yours is one of the foster care blogs I read regularly. I think I got the link from someone else’s blog. One day when I was sick I went back and read the whole thing, along with a couple of others. I work in childcare and hope to adopt one day. Reading these blogs is a good way to see how it really is, everyday life. I wish I could get the password b/c I feel like I’m going to miss half the story, but I totally understand not wanting crazies to read it.
January 12th, 2007 at 5:48 am
OK… I’m sort of delurking… I do comment, but rarely!
That comment/workout thing sounds cool… I would never work out more than 5 minutes a day though!
January 12th, 2007 at 3:00 pm
Hi, Baggage! You know I read your blog, but I have not been good at commenting lately. Just wanted you to know I’m still here.
January 12th, 2007 at 4:07 pm
Delurking to say hi!
I am not a foster parent, someone dealing with infertility, someone trying to adopt, or someone trying to raise a child. I just read you because I enjoy the way you write.
January 12th, 2007 at 4:30 pm
Hi, delurking…
My name’s Ayana. I love your blog, read all the time when I should be working, and get sad when you have a password protectd post. But I didn’t (and won’t) ask for the password because I’ve got a daughter too, and I completely understand your need to keep some things private. Even though I know that I’m a nice, normal, super-harmless mom who thinks you’ve got an awesome sense of humor…you don’t. And I respect that.
Be well,
Ayana
January 12th, 2007 at 5:25 pm
I love reading what you have to say if you’re okay with sending me the password. If not, I’ll read the public parts.
I think all of raising kids is trial and error, by the way.
January 12th, 2007 at 5:56 pm
Hey, it’s Ayana again. Writing to explain that in my previous comment, I meant you don’t know that I’m normal, nice, harmless, etc. I did NOT mean that you don’t have an awesome sense of humor. Sorry for the lack of clarity.
January 15th, 2007 at 4:24 am
OK, so I missed Delurking Week. I’ve been lurking for a few months now and I hope I’m not too late to join the fun. . . I just wanted to say ‘hi’ and let you know that I read your blog and enjoy it tremendously.
January 16th, 2007 at 2:22 pm
delurking to say “Hi.”
May 12th, 2007 at 10:36 am
Would you please send me a password?