Not a baby anymore.
In the past month or so, I started to realize something.
For the past few years, I’ve seen myself as younger than I am. Perhaps it was because I went back to college. Especially when I was going to the community college, I was surrounded by 18 year olds. I looked like them. We sat in the same classes.
And I know part of the reason I feel this way is because I look young. I easily fit in with people who are 22. I look 21 on a good day and therefore younger people relate to me more than someone who is 35 would. Once I start talking, I tend to relate to older people better. I am obviously not interested in the latest keg party or whether my mom is going to loan me 20 bucks so I can go out to the club tonight. I’m interested in diapers and developmental milestones. I’m interested in current events and good books.
That isn’t to say that I don’t want to run away with Patrick Dempsey or that I don’t love a good issue of People magazine or I don’t like to put on a cute pair of VS panties and get my toenails painted.
But while my life circumstances have changed, my mindset hasn’t.
I realized this recently when I spoke to this guy I know. When I first moved to Small Town, I met him. He is one of those guys who portrays this image of someone who is confident and cocky and cool and funny and hip but he is also very insecure. For instance, he’s a few pounds overweight, maybe, but he brings it up in conversations a lot. Like Butterfly said something about him wearing two shirts one time and he said, “Yeah, I do that a lot. Makes me look skinny. Just kidding. It totally doesn’t help.” Now, I don’t think this guy is overweight. But he does, and so he makes excuses for himself before you have a chance to criticize him.
When I met this guy, I had just moved to Small Town. I had no money. In fact, I pawned my wedding ring to pay my tuition to community college. I lived in an apartment that was part of a small house they had converted into separate units. The bathroom didn’t even have a door, just a piece of fabric. It didn’t have a real shower. I didn’t have stable income. Some days I couldn’t afford to eat. I got fired from my temp job.
This guy was an asshole to me. And then I didn’t talk to him or see him for over three years.
One day I was walking through Walmart and I saw him. I pretended I didn’t and then he called my name.
Since then I’ve seen him in town a few times. He works for a company that has events out in town, and I’ve attended a few of the events.
I think he is a little shocked at me. For one, I’m 28 out now. I live in the BDH. I have four children, who are clean and well-dressed. I have money in the bank. I can afford to eat.
I could see in his eyes when we talked that he couldn’t quite line up the girl in the little apartment with the woman I am now.
The problem is, though, is that I still have a hard time seeing myself as older. I always have. One time Mojito and I had gone out to breakfast with someone who was mildly famous and later Mojito asked if I saw this girl as older than me, even though, I was actually about a year older. And of course I did. She was tall and beautiful and a celebrity and was confident and well dressed and I was…me.
And somehow that has always stuck with me. I have been intimidated by social workers, biological parents, educators, evaluators. I am afraid that when people look at me, they see a little girl who doesn’t know anything. Someone who shouldn’t have four children because she will just mess them up.
Sometimes they do. While we were at the mall, Butterfly called to me. “Mommy! Look at this.” And the woman who was working the cash register said, “Mommy? Who is her Mommy?” and I said, “She was talking to me.” “You are their Mom?” “Um..Yes?” “How many of these are yours?” “They are all with me.” “OH MY GOD! How old are you?” “I’m 28!” “Jennifer! Look! How old do you think this girl is?” “Um..like 22? “NO! She is 28! And she has FOUR KIDS! ALL THESE KIDS ARE HERS!!”
I just rolled my eyes.
The point is that it is not just a physical thing. Butterfly’s mom is only a year or two older than me. But I see her as a lot older than me. She’s the mom. I’m just a kid.
But slowly, I’ve started to realize that in no way am I a child. I might not do everything right. I might not have all the answers or be the best mom ever. I might be insecure sometimes and make mistakes.
But damn it. I am not a child. I have an 11 year old. I am a strong advocate for these children. I am no longer afraid to go to the Family Team meeting tomorrow and sit in a room with people who work with these kids and express my thoughts. I’m not afraid to speak to teachers. I am not just a kid playing house. I’m not afraid to let it be known that I will not put up with certain behaviors, not from Bug, not from Geo, not from people who see me as young and want to interject their own opinions of whether I should have four children or consider adopting another child or whether I should buy the generic Cheerios or not. I will listen if someone wants to tell me their opinions, but I will no longer assume that I am wrong.
The only baby in this house is sleeping next to me, snoring like a truck driver.
March 19th, 2007 at 3:34 pm
Ugh. I look very young for my age too, and I also FEEL very young a lot of the time! I totally know what you’re talking about. Especially when people first realize how old I am… complete strangers even, yelling, “How old do you think she is? Guess!” and demanding to see my ID as proof. Do you know sometimes when I go out to breakfast with my mother, the waitress offers me the kids’ menu??? That’s embarassing… but even more embarassing is when my mom cries out loudly, “KIDS MENU? SHE’S 27!” I feel like such a freak! I have ADHD and Aspergers as well, so I often act younger than I am also, and I do FEEL younger when I am around “Authority” figures. I wish I could gain the confidence you have gained!!!
March 19th, 2007 at 4:06 pm
Funny you should post this. I don’t even necessarily look young for my age, but I was just having similar thoughts. Glad to know I’m not the only one.
March 19th, 2007 at 4:18 pm
*cheers* Go Baggage!
March 19th, 2007 at 4:20 pm
Good for you!!
March 19th, 2007 at 5:10 pm
Good for you.
I’m 43 and sometimes I still think that the “grown up” police are going to catch up with me. I will be arrested for impersonating an adult. They will laugh at how I managed to fool everyone, but they will send me home to my mother where I can expect to be grounded.
March 19th, 2007 at 5:22 pm
Hear, Hear! I’m 30 and still look about 22 myself. And I still have to deal with that age-ism, too. But this time around, when I went to apply for a new job, I swore to not act like I’m “pretending” or that I’m fresh out of college and lucky they are interviewing me in the first place. I’m a well-educated, well-presented, well-spoken adult. I have years of experience and I will not be intimidated simply because I might look younger than I am.
Go Baggage!!!
March 19th, 2007 at 5:22 pm
Luckily being perfect isn’t a requirement for adulthood, or nobody would ever make it. There are times when I feel very sophisticated and then there are times when I revert back to being 10 again.
March 19th, 2007 at 5:50 pm
You go girl! Er…woman!
Heh. I’m 35, and some days I feel like I should still be in college. On the other hand, other days I feel very old. Like the other day when I found an unused condom in the dryer with my 14 year old daughter’s clothes. Yikes. (She swears she’s still a virgin, though.) I feel really OLD when I think about that. BTW, after that incident, I went out and bought “Cycle Savvy”, per your recommendation, for her. Thanks for that.
March 19th, 2007 at 5:52 pm
Kick ass, Baggage!
March 19th, 2007 at 6:38 pm
I think we all have one thing, you know? Yours is that you look/feel young. Mine is my weight. But we shouldn’t make excuses like that guy with the two shirts. I liked how you said “I’m not afraid to let it be known…” That’s an important statement.
March 19th, 2007 at 8:54 pm
I think everyone feels like that sometimes — I know I do, and I’m 35, long out of college, with a professional job and a grade-school-age child.
Another thing to think about is that the age people consider “adult” has changed in recent decades. Not that long ago, it would have been very common for a 28-year-old to have four children and a house. Now, a lot of people don’t even get married until their early- to mid-30s, and it’s not hard to find 28-year-olds who are still living the college “party” lifestyle, even if they have jobs and are technically adults. So even though you are absolutely a competent grown woman and deserve to be treated as such, you’re also very mature for your age by today’s standards, which may surprise some people. I know I feel odd sometimes because I’ve already had a 10-year marriage and been widowed while some of my peers are just thinking about maybe getting married for the first time.
March 19th, 2007 at 9:22 pm
Holy shit, we’re all growed up now. It’s crazy, isn’t it?
March 19th, 2007 at 11:09 pm
That’s what big girls do, have kids and stuff. I think that’s why I waited so long to have a kid at all. Although I was mature and responsible, I never felt like a big girl.
March 20th, 2007 at 1:10 am
Go you!
March 20th, 2007 at 2:22 am
I feel young quite often, although I am not all that young (34). I felt “adult” when I turned 30, but that hasn’t actually stuck, I’m not sure why. But it’s GREAT that you look so young. I have a twin sister who was carded once when we were out together and I wasn’t! And we’re identical!
Anyway. Did you know that your blog shows up 8th on a Google search for “Baggage?”
:)
March 20th, 2007 at 3:11 am
I look younger than I am (38), but sometimes, I feel older, and not in a good way.
I need to get some of that confidence back I think. You have it…can you send a spare spoonful my way please?
Tired, tired tired. Glad for you, but tired right now.
March 20th, 2007 at 8:10 pm
Like Tara, it took me until I turned 30 (last year) to feel more grown up. I think it has something to do with being “in my 20s” which included going to keggers at frat houses as well as finishing my Master’s degree and buying a house. Pretty big leap in maturity between those events. Now when colleagues have something to say and I have a counterpoint, I feel more confident because I’m not just “in my 20s”. Isn’t that silly? As if in May I wasn’t as qualified to comment as I became in June with that passing of my birthday. Duh.
You are pretty impressive!
March 21st, 2007 at 2:37 am
I hear you. I’ve always felt younger than my age, partially because I’m not a natural leader, so I’ve always viewed people my own age as being “older” in some regard.
But recently I’m beginning to realize that there are other people in my professional and personal life who view me as an “authority figure” to some degree…not the least of which being my daughter…and I find myself getting more comfortable in that role.
I guess parenting will have that effect.
March 21st, 2007 at 6:05 pm
You know… It’s amazing how people can be shocked by you having 4 kids when there are so many other things out there to be shocked about, like child abuse and the homeless.
It’s good that you are finally seeing yourself as the woman you are, and an amazing one at that!
March 22nd, 2007 at 10:24 pm
I’m turning 27 this next month and I’m still not sure if I made it to freshman year of high school. I swear I’m still stuck in the awkward years of being 12-14.
Good to know I’m not alone.
April 6th, 2007 at 4:11 pm
Wow. you are an amazing, inspiring person.