Today
Today started with frustration that I could not get my ADD treated at the VA and therefore was going to have to pay out of pocket for doctor’s visits and medicine.
It continued with a quick, but productive appointment where the doctor confirmed I had ADD and prescribed medicine.
Then came a disaster at Walgreen followed by a debaucle at Walmart which had me screaming at the Walmart lady that she needed to fill my prescription even if it was dated for tomorrow because it was just a mistake and why couldn’t she call the doctor and ended with me sobbing in the Walmart parking lot. Without my medicine.
Which was the beginning of a long sobbing spree. Which was briefly interrupted when I considered taking my van and running it head on into the train that was crossing the road I was traveling on.
And then continued to my room where all I could do was cry and cry. And I thought about posting something but then I thought that someone would comment that I was a crazy person and it was no wonder I was not getting picked for the kids that I sent my homestudy in on and I was pretty sure if I posted something, someone would call my DFS and alert them to the fact that they had licensed a crazy person.
Which made me cry more. And then I noticed that my little box over there on the right that tells my ranking on a blog site was the highest it had ever been, which isn’t a good thing as the lower the number the better. And really, it doesn’t matter because most of you probably have never seen that little box as you are probably reading this through google or bloglines or something. And really, it doesn’t mean anything. But somehow, that little box showing a number in the 50s devastated me, which made me cry more.
And then I tried to explain myself to Geo, which was hard because I was trying to articulate how I felt when I wasn’t exactly sure how I felt. I knew I was angry..angry that I had spent so many years not being diagnosed with what was wrong with me. I was afraid that this wouldn’t work. That this medicine wouldn’t work and I wouldn’t feel better. That I was stressed by this matching/waiting process going on with the adoptions and that each time they didn’t choose me, it hurt. Really hurt.
And then Geo suggested that maybe I needed to go get a job outside the home for like thirty hours a week..and well, you can imagine how well that suggestion went over.
And let’s not forget the fact that I had horrible cramps. Awful cramps. And that while I was sobbing in the Walmart parking lot, I noticed that my jeans were wet. And when I came home I realized that I bled through my tampon, through my underwear and all over my jeans.
Finally I calmed myself down enough to go to my class, where the members of my class spent about twenty minutes making fun of adults with ADD. On a day like today, I really needed to hear that I was nuts, a pain in the butt to deal with, irresponsible and that talking to me was like talking to a brick wall. Because duh, I already know that. Thanks people.
But driving home tonight, I made up my mind that I am not going to end up flattened by a train. I am going to get up tomorrow, be at the pharmacy when it opens, get my medicine, start implementing the behavior modification techniques I have learned, and try to make it. I want to adopt more children. I want to be a good mom to Bug. I want to write a book about me and Bug and how and why you should adopt from foster care. I want to be happy.
I’m not giving up. I’m not giving up.
Tomorrow has got to be a little bit better.
Technorati Tags: ADD, depression, goals
February 6th, 2007 at 4:30 am
Awww honey. What a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. However, I think that you are an incredibly rockin’ momma to make the choice to just get up tomorrow morning. That is so much more than many of us do when we’re down.
I’m proud of you. You are an amazing woman!
February 6th, 2007 at 5:09 am
I think the leaking incident would have….totally pushed me to the toe-gripping edge. If any of the other things hadn’t already.
Please, don’t let any literal trains flatten you.
And, don’t let any figurative trains flatten you for long.
February 6th, 2007 at 5:24 am
What an incredibly sucky, sucky day!!! My hat is off to you for picking yourself up and not giving up. I’m not so sure I’d have been as strong as you.
February 6th, 2007 at 6:26 am
Tomorrow will be better.
Do you like Leonard Cohen? He has this song called “Anthem” and in it, he says:
“There is a crack in everything
That’s how the light gets in.”
You have some cracks right now.
You have a lot more light.
I hope, tomorrow, you can see and feel a bit more of it.
http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/leonardcohen/anthem.html
February 6th, 2007 at 12:05 pm
I like the way Jessie put it. What a terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad day. I’m glad you’re feeling a bit better today.
I, obviously, know how much it hurts when you’re not picked for kids. And, obviously, I have moments where it brings me to my knees. But, if you want to write a book about adopting from foster care, there may be a silver lining to your not being matched right away. You were matched pretty quickly with Bug, right? I don’t think that’s typical. (I also don’t think my 7-8 months of waiting are typical either.) Having to say no, and having no said to you are big parts of this process. A kid will come that you can say yes to and that you’re selected for. Hang in there.
February 6th, 2007 at 1:28 pm
Hey,
Check out this website about the positive effects of adult ADD. I just put it on my feed two days ago, knowing I’d need the boost.
http://adultaddstrengths.com/2006/02/09/top-10-advantages-of-add-in-a-high-tech-career/
He calls it Adult Attention Surplus Condition.
February 6th, 2007 at 2:17 pm
Good for you! (on the not giving up part, that is.) I hope today goes better for you.
February 6th, 2007 at 2:28 pm
I know nothing about Blog data or numbers and such but I check yours every day–and I would easily buy your book. I mean I WILL buy your book–you really should write one you know.
Hang in there.
February 6th, 2007 at 3:02 pm
You aren’t alone in having days like those. It’s not how often you fall, but how often you get back up. You are strong and resiliant. I know that from reading your words. Stay strong, and take good care of yourself.
February 6th, 2007 at 3:55 pm
I’m sorry, that crash after you find out you’ve been diagnosed can be a bitch…but things will get better and your life will be happy someday. Maybe even today!!
Really, this does sound like one of those terrible, horrible, no good days, but it is also the beginning of good things, right?
February 6th, 2007 at 3:56 pm
I’ve lurked for months, but just had to pop in to say…I think you’re amazing. Astonishing. Fantastic. I hope I’m as together as you are if (when!) I have a child to raise.
If I had to brave Wally World, I’d cry, too…and that’s without the trauma you had to deal with!
As for the Adult ADD, I think you handle that remarkably well. A symptom is that you flit from project to project and don’t really finish? Ummm…in your case, I don’t think so! Look at your move to the new home, your drive to adopt Bug and your next child(ren), your perseverance with classes, your perseverance with Bug, your two great blogs…you are simply remarkable! I aspire to be more like you.
p.s.–as a child with food issues very similar to Bug’s (and later as a teenager with bulimia) for me, at least, the chronic problems of never having enough food, hoarding food, stealing food, hiding empty mandarin orange cans under the bed, etc. were all about control issues and feeling out of control in other aspects of my life, NOT really about food. My parents were fantastic parents…the “out of control” feelings were both a product of school issues and internal stuff. So glad Bug is seeing a therapist!
February 6th, 2007 at 4:44 pm
What an awful day! I’m so sorry to hear about all of that. I hope today is better!
February 6th, 2007 at 7:37 pm
Cubbiegirl is my hero. I could relate to pretty much everything you wrote, though I don’t think I have adult ADD, but all the messes (I’ve had crazy pharmacycounter days like that), and feelings, and not wanting to write for those reasons, and others’ judgement of people like you. I am sorry. And thankyou for deciding to avoid the car/train scenario for now. I hope you feel better when they give you the meds.
February 7th, 2007 at 6:02 pm
Days like that suck- but I am glad you made it through and came out the other side on a good note! Always remember- tomorrow is a another day. All you have to worry about is getting through today.