She’s with me.
Callie is biracial. Here in Small Town, no one thinks we are together. It doesn’t matter if we walk up to the counter together, if she is holding Snowbaby, if we are talking.
Every single cashier/waitress/yard sale lady acts surprised when I say that I’m paying for her things. They say, “Oh, I didn’t know she was with you.” “Oh..you are paying for her things?”
It bothers Callie. It bothers me.
June 11th, 2007 at 1:07 am
That is annoying. Random strangers sometimes ask me if I’m G’s mom, but I never know whether it’s because she’s mixed-race or not. Oddly, it’s almost never white people who ask. I haven’t figured that one out yet.
June 11th, 2007 at 4:50 am
It amazes me people are STILL asking. We live in a VERY diverse area, my school has kids from 28 different countries, speak a ton of different languages and biracial is common. I know many don’t live like this but its wonderful for our students to know that EVERYONE is equal. Every student and staff gets treated the same.
I am very proud of my children who have never been racial towards any person regardless of race, religion or handicap.
June 11th, 2007 at 5:51 am
You need to come up with some snappy reply
. Something that lets them know you’re slightly annoyed and shocked that they would ask. Maybe we can all help. I’ll start thinking. After being a foster parent for 8 yrs now I continue to be annoyed by these kinds of questions. You’d think I would learn to shrug them off. My favorite is “Are all of these yours?”. . uggh.
I amazes me how much “looks” play a part in how people react to us. I guess that we can only control how we respond to these people, we can’t control them.
June 11th, 2007 at 6:00 am
That is a real pain. We are fortunate in that this area has a lot of families that are not perfectly matched sets–two others on our block alone–so for most people it’s not a big deal that we are two white parents with two brown kids. We have been in a couple of situations where we got obviously hateful and hostile stares (one of them was in a Starbucks in Lancaster, PA, and thankfully the kids were younger and didn’t notice). It is VERY uncomfortable. Hope your group isn’t subjected to that.
June 11th, 2007 at 7:10 am
People need to get a grip. America isn’t what it used to be. Catch up.
June 11th, 2007 at 9:42 am
Just curious, with Callie being older, what rules are different for her verses the rest of the children? I think I remember you saying she was 16? If so, is she allowed to date or does your county regulate this? What would you say the main difference is between fostering an older child vs fostering younger pre-teens and younger?
As for the biracial thing, I feel you! My ex and I had guardianship of a little boy one time from when he was six weeks to six months and he ended up being placed for adoption by his mother (very mature of her!)… He was biracial, and I always got “Oh… he’s with you guys? Must be babysitting huh?” How rude…
June 11th, 2007 at 11:12 am
Uggg! I hate ignorance like that. My cousin is biracial, and when he was 3, on his first day of preschool his white mom went to pick him up, and he ran to greet her when she came through the door, and the teacher actually grabbed his arm, pulled him back, and said, “Where are you going? You can’t leave till your mom gets here!” He’s an adult now and he still tells that story. Uggg!
Anyway, back to Callie. Make sure you talk to her about it. Let her know the ignorant comments aren’t her fault, and that they shouldn’t make her feel embarassed or ashamed. She should know that there’s nothing wrong with her and nothing wrong with her family. I’m sure she’s heard it all before but it can’t hurt to say it one more time.
June 11th, 2007 at 11:16 am
That’s one of the reasons I haven’t moved out of California yet. Here people could care less if you have white skin, brown skin, one mom, one arm, hair, green hair, no hair, two dads, and whatever other combo you can think of. It frightens me that my half-hispanic children or my hubby could be treated rudely or even given bad looks for the color of their skin if we moved to certain states. Americans really need to get a grip on what is really important in the world and the race of my husband is not. BTW, I think you should get her a shirt that says “I’m with the hot MILF over there” That might keep them distracted long enough….just a thought.
June 11th, 2007 at 12:54 pm
I just found your blog and I have to say, when we filled out our profile we said that because of this we only wanted children that looked like us. Now I have broadened my search and my husband and I are totally okay with our kids looking different, but I don’t want them growing up with it always in their faces. Ugh, people.
June 11th, 2007 at 12:55 pm
LOL….I loved humincat’s suggestion…
Anyway, I don’t know where you live, but being in the midwest myself, I totally understand!! I have a friend with two adopted AA kids, and they constantly get looks wherever they go. Our foster son, K, came from a home where they had AA kids, and K was showing a picture of him and his “brother” to the nurse the other day, and she just couldn’t wrap her mind around the kids who were two different colors being “brother’s”…
Anyway, now to my advice. I would most definitely talk to Callie about it. I am sure that she is noticing and feeling it, so you don’t want to dismiss. Make sure you point out to her the small mindedness of some people, and help share your family’s values with her. This discussion could open her up to more deeper conversations with you.
Good Luck!!
June 11th, 2007 at 2:36 pm
Humincat, my husband was totally with you — he always said he’d never leave California because at least here he didn’t feel like a raisin in a jar of mayo. (His words.) Even here he used to say that people were giving us dirty looks, etc., because he wasn’t white. I never noticed it, but he saw it everywhere.
June 11th, 2007 at 3:18 pm
This is a perfect time to bring up the topic of white privilege and racism. She will look to you to teach the tools she needs to take a stand against discrimination and survive as a minority in a majority culture. http://www.tolerance.org/parents/index.jsp has some good links by age about starting the discussion.
June 11th, 2007 at 3:40 pm
I get this sometimes too as I have a baby that is a different race than me- but oh well- I proudly say- YUP! she is mine- they can say what they want behind me- like they really need to know- or care where she is from- freaks…..
June 11th, 2007 at 5:54 pm
I really wish I could pick up the BDH and move it to the Chicago suburbs.
June 11th, 2007 at 6:17 pm
I have two foster babies of different races. People always assume that one is mine and I’m babysitting the other. If people are being rude with their comments I tell them that they are twins, one looks like my husband and the other bears a striking resemblance to our fertility doctor. That usually shuts them up pretty fast.
June 11th, 2007 at 7:11 pm
Okay, it might be a racial thing, but could it be an age thing, possibly, since you don’t look old enough to be her mom? They might just be surprised that one teen is paying for her friend’s things. (you’ve said before that you look young.)
June 11th, 2007 at 9:22 pm
people have so much to say don’t they
June 12th, 2007 at 2:27 am
California isn’t such a race paradise. My sister (a redhead) always got funny looks with my brown family.
June 12th, 2007 at 2:34 am
It’s annoying. All you can do is turn it into a learning opportunity for Callie.
People are constantly asking me if my children are my grandchildren. That is when they aren’t asking me where my DD got that cute little nose and that blonde hair - we are both Caucasian but she looks nothing like me or her father. For even more fun, deal with airline personnel who don’t understand how these can possibly be your children if you have different last names.
When my son (Caucasian) was 13 months old we did foster care for a 3 month old (biracial, very dark). I had them in a double stroller and people would actually stop and ask if they were twins.
People are stupid. We can make sure that our kids won’t be.
June 12th, 2007 at 9:11 am
We dealt with this a lot when the twins were younger. Now that they are verbal, we get few questions.
I think I’ve told you this before, but all my kids look like they could be mine or Carol’s, BUT they don’t all look like siblings (even the two that are). So, it kinda looks like I get around - a lot. With a rainbow of men. My teens enjoy the questions and freaking people out, but I can see how it would be hard for a teen who is less in your face than my kids.
June 12th, 2007 at 10:18 am
Hmmm, maybe you could all get matching T-shirts that point to each other when you stand near each other, and they could say “I’m with these guys!”
People can be so dense…
June 12th, 2007 at 10:33 am
When we lived in the south people always assumed my cousin was our houseboy because he is latin. These were people we knew at church, etc… they assumed White gay men would only hang out with men of color for one reason. Needless to say I was very gentle in dissuading them of htis notion. Not! They didn’t forget it afterwards.
I love living in SF because there are so many people and while race is still an issue it is at least a work in progress.
June 12th, 2007 at 2:14 pm
Ohhh, Angel’s suggestion reminded me of something. A HS friend of mine whose mom used to foster a lot of kids (like maybe 6 or 7 at a time) would to dress them all alike when they went out. The kids were all different races and the mom got tired of strangers not knowing they were all together, so she’d put them all in the same t-shirt, or whatever, so that even casual observers understood that they all belonged to one group. It worked well for them, but it might not go over too well with teens.
June 13th, 2007 at 9:15 am
Baggage, you and Callie and everyone in your family tries so hard. You guys try so hard and all the trouble and difficulty come from folks outside your family that you can’t control.
I just wanted to say that that bites. It really bites. I wish I could smack people for you.
I hate people.
June 13th, 2007 at 9:43 am
Ov vay baquita,
Oy freaking vay.
BTW, I tagged you. Please don’t hate me.
June 13th, 2007 at 1:32 pm
That sounds hurtful on a daily basis. Some good suggestions here (team hat? matching pinon mascots?). And maybe you could say “why yes, Mothers usually pay for their daughter’s purchases, thankyou”. or “yes, my daughters earnings haven’t surpassed mine yet, but it won’t be long, and then she can pay for me instead!” I dunno. Take one of them foam bats and wonk em on the head. Anyways, it sounds hurtful. sorry.
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