I was wondering how long it took…
Kim.Kim said
I don’t understand why you are taking care of a baby while Bug needs
you.It was obvious she wasn’t coping with you having more children in the
house.I think all the comments about shopping and you being a good mother are
not helpful.You fucked up, so fix it.
Bug needs you, she needs one on one attention. I really don’t care if I
get flamed for saying this. I am really upset about Bug.
Personally, Kim, I’m not sure how you thought your comment was at all helpful.
I am still amazed that people read blogs and think that they understand the entire situation.
I know I do not need to defend myself but I will say this:
Not ONE person on Bug’s treatment team…and that is at the hospital and people she sees at home every week think that it would be AT ALL beneficial to remove the children. In fact, EVERY ONE of them think that removing the children from the home would be a mistake. They think that Bug is benefitting from her role as a big sister. That her problems started way before these children came (remember the forged check? the IPOD?) and that her problems were exasperated by her going through puberty and her medication no longer working. (And yes, I know Kim.Kim is against medicating a child. It is not like I think it is a great thing, but then again, I wasn’t the one who exposed Bug to drugs while she was in utero.)
The first thing Bug wanted to know on the phone yesterday? How her brother and sisters were doing and how much she missed them.
I didn’t fuck up. You know who fucked up? Bug’s biological mother. You know what Bug is upset about? The fact that she is finally old enough to understand what the hell happened to her and how much it sucks.
And you know what? She’s right. There is no reason a child should EVER be treated the way Bug was treated, both by her biological family and the system that bounced her around to 12 different homes and 22 different moves.
Bug and I spend 24 hours a day together. She is homeschooled so she can get one on one attention. Bug and I go places without the other children. Bug gets a lot of one on one time.
And let me reiterate:
Every member of Bug’s treatment team think that it would be detrimental to Bug to have the children removed from the home.
Maybe that is hard for some people to understand, even though all they know of me and my family is a 500 word post every day or so. And somehow they think that means that they know me, know my children, and know what is best for them. Somehow they think that this blog details everything that is going on in my life. They think that reading this blog makes them more knowledgeable than anyone else who actually lives with, works with, or loves my daughter.
April 25th, 2007 at 9:56 am
TO be honest, I will say part of me said “I wonder if baggage took too much on when she took in Butterfly, Bubba and Snow baby.” And then I thought “no, she has been Bug’s mom for a while. She would not be so stupid to foster another family without discussing things with those who help Bug” And then I thought “It is not in her place to even tell us, the bloggies, what goes on with Bug’s team. I know from past posts she has talked about seeing them, but she doesn’t go into detail and that’s her choice”
And THEN I thought “This is a tough situation for a woman who is working hard to make sure 4 little people know they are loved”
So, while I will admit that I had the same thought as Kim, I also admit that I thought about it long and hard and realized you are doing a damn good job….
April 25th, 2007 at 9:58 am
Right On! Assvice from know-it-all, opinionated, eff’d up, total strangers is WAAAYYYYYYY more helpful than positive support. Cram it Kim.Kim.
April 25th, 2007 at 10:01 am
PS - I’m so sorry to hear about the girls. Sending good Karma their (and your) way.
April 25th, 2007 at 10:16 am
I will also admit that I too wondered but trusted the fact that you are a wise woman who would not put Bug in harms way. Your love for Bug is obvious in so many blog entries- I would not question your motives. Hang in there- glad you didn’t let it eat your lunch-
April 25th, 2007 at 10:21 am
ATTTENTION KIMKIM-What a freaking Moron! Thanks for that “I’m just thinking about Bug” lame crap. How is sending 3 little ones back into the same drama and crap that Bug is hurting from going to help? Next time, think before you type. I;m sure you feel very important now, but honestly, you should feel like a coward for trying to hurt somebody who is doing a damn good job for some innocent little children. I hope you apologize for your rude and inconsiderate attitude.
April 25th, 2007 at 10:21 am
I’m sorry you had to read such a nasty post. I never wondered, it’s been clear from your posts that Bug has been having difficulties for the past year. Adolesence is hard for those of us without abuse histories and frequent moves from family to family.
April 25th, 2007 at 10:25 am
I guess that the people who suggested you go shopping are not trying to trivialize the situation, but instead offer up simple distractions. When my blogging friends would tell me after a miscarriage to go shopping or drink, I didn’t take them literally (as if either would dull the pain anyway). It’s a coping mechanism.
It’s really hard for some people to understand that the personality/situations/decisions that are presented on a blog are not 100% complete. It’s not as if you said, Hey! Instead of going for that donor semen business, I’ll take on three more foster children to fill some gaps in my free-time.” It wasn’t just your decision to make. Obviously there were some professionals guiding you and Bug and hopefully would have spoke up if they thought it wasn’t a good idea to add to the family mix at this time.
I don’t think Kim.Kim meant any disrespect, but one has to take care when poking a sharp stick at a wounded bear.
April 25th, 2007 at 10:39 am
Bug
What I think some people may not understand is that older child adoptions can often be going along swimmingly as the newness of the situation and the transition allows the child to ignore and avoid his/her underlying issues.
But, as that child becomes more comfortable in their new home, as they really start to understand that their parents love them unconditionally - the child’s underlying issues come to the forefront again.
That is why we often read blogs or hear from friends who have adopted older children (especially from abuse/neglect and/or foster care) that there can be an up to 2 year ‘honeymoon period’ where the child is just getting used to everything before things just blow up.
As you well know, Bug’s issues didn’t disappear just because she was adopted by a loving parent. She is a very hurt little girl, and now she is dealing with this in part because you have provided her such a safe place where she knows she is loved.
I am sending you good juju and support. I am sorry that Bug is going through some very tough times right now. It sounds like you and her treatment team are really working together to make sure she is safe and taken care of as she works through some of these issues.
Hoping this works out, and she is able to make some forward progress with her issues. And, while I know it is very difficult to ignore nastiness from commenters - please keep reminding yourself that you are doing the best you can with your children. And you have given Bug a lot. Have you been perfect? I doubt it, as none of us are perfect parents. But I think you are probably harder on yourself, and hold yourself to a higher standard as a mother than any of us could ever hold you to. Because you are a good mother and you want the best for your children.
April 25th, 2007 at 11:00 am
Flame away, it’s good to get your anger out. If it helps to make me your scapegoat go right ahead.
Meanwhile, a child needs your one on one attention.
I am not going to tell you to go shopping or say you are a great mother.
Do what you have to do, I don’t take it personally.
April 25th, 2007 at 11:16 am
Kimkim, consider the rest of the situation. Even if we ignore the recommendations of those who know the situation far better than we do, giving Bug one-on-one attention means isolating her from a new friend. It means making it clear that she is the reason three children are being moved. It means taking away children she cares for and feels responsible for on some level– it means that she no longer has someone to watch out for. Without the recommendations of the team, who know far better than I what is going on, I would be cautious of adding more people to the family, same as you are. But even without the team’s endorsement, I would be equally cautious of *removing* the new kids.
We don’t know everything. We can only trust the people who do know everything.
April 25th, 2007 at 11:21 am
I had another comment about judgment ready but I decided against it… I’ll just say I reserve the right to judge other people if I truly think I know better than them. I also know enough about older child adoption, the foster care system and traumatized children to know that I DON’T KNOW NEARLY ENOUGH to say your judgment is wrong. What I do know is that you are showing a huge amount of dedication. I have a lot of respect for you and Jane at Toots and Noodles who is also showing 100% commitment to a hospitalized child. I hope if I get in a similar situation I will be able to handle it without falling apart.
April 25th, 2007 at 11:30 am
(I can’t believe Kimkim seems to think she is some kind of martyr here - like her total bitchy ass behaviour makes some kind of difference other than a negative one to your day).
HELLO? You adopted Bug from foster care - you don’t do that without going through HUGE amounts of training, and you don’t see the child make progress like Bug has (even if she is crashing a bit now) without the parent KNOWING WHAT THE HELL SHE’S DOING.
Plus, if Kimkim actually knew what she was talking about, and read other foster-adopt blogs with older children, she would know that this sort of thing tends to happen when children hit puberty and begin to understand what happened to them - it’s almost a sort of ‘natural’ progression as they readjust and come to terms with their history. It’s not pleasant, but it happens. A lot. Regurdless of how great or otherwise the paren is. Though, if she knew what she was talking about, she would also, of course, know how INCREDIBLY stupid, insensitive and unhelpful her comments were.
But since you, Kimkim, are clearly a BLIND ASS, let me spell it out for you:
Baggage is a good mom. Baggage knows what she’s about and she loves all her kids. You cannot and do not know the full story. Baggage has Bug’s best interests at heart, much more so than you (who, you know, is a complete stranger to the child in question so may ‘think’ you care - but clearly, through your calousness and idiocy, don’t) so, Kimkim, GO FRAKK YOURSELF AND LEAVE THIS BLOG ALONE!
April 25th, 2007 at 11:33 am
You know that I was afraid that when Butterfly was taken away, Bug would respond with increased anxiety. That wasn’t an opinion, just a concern that popped into my head. Even if it were the case that it would have been better not to take the sibling group (I’m NOT saying it was), now that there are there it is important for all the kids to know that you don’t throw kids away when they are naughty.
All you can do is your best.
And it is becoming clear to me that problems are so much easier to figure out when they are someone else’s — or rather to think we have figured out.
April 25th, 2007 at 11:35 am
Kim–I have edited your comment simply to remove my real first name.
April 25th, 2007 at 12:03 pm
Here’s what I know from a 500 word post every day or so: You love Bug very much. You want what’s best for her. You provide her with the treatment that she needs. You’re a good mom to Bug and to the other kids.
I’m sorry you’re going through such a tough time and I’m sorry you are being attacked. It’s almost funny, in a sick way, to realize that KimKim thinks she’s being helpful. Why, you can fire the whole team that helps you deal with Bug’s issues! You can ignore everything you’ve learned about parenting a child with special needs and parenting an older adoptee! All you need is to listen to some stranger on the internet and all will be fine.
April 25th, 2007 at 12:09 pm
sooo umm, how do I get a password to read the other posts?
April 25th, 2007 at 12:11 pm
As the Nana of Bug and foster nana of the other kids, KimKim has no idea what “Bug” has been through in her past and what these other kids have been through. I deal with special education children all day and have done so for the past twenty years. I child is NOT cured nor BECOMES ill when placed in foster care or adopted. Most children are born with this and it takes many, many years of working with professionals and the proper medication for a child to be able to deal with certain situations.
Bug has been through hell and back before she was adopted. My daughter has given her stabiltiy and love. This little girl has blossomed since she first came to Baggage. She has improved academically as well.
These foster kids have been given medical care and have been through many evaluations to help them determine what is needed for them to be on age level. They are talking and walking and even potty trained. They have gained weight and feel secure. Why would you take them out of this situation.
Why would you take the siblings away from Bug? Why would KimKim say not to go shopping? Does she realize that Baggage spends 24/7 with four kids and when she has the opportunity to stop at the store, she took it. Of course it was after she took one to the doctors and took her with her to look for summer clothes. Its not like she left the kids and went out on a spa day….heaven forbid. Does KimKim ever take a break or go shopping?
Thanks for all those who give support to Baggage. She is doing an awesome job with Bug and the foster kids. She is a college graduate and former Marine, not to mention an honor graduate of both high school and college. She is very intelligent and knows what she is doing.
April 25th, 2007 at 12:35 pm
Sweet pea, you know me and you know I’m WAY more bitchy and judgy than KimKim will ever be, and I’ve read everything you’ve written and think you’ve been doing the right thing.
You have a support system of people who are trained to deal with the stuff that Bug has been going through. You are consulting with them and taking their advice. In short, letting the professionals do what they do. That takes great self-confidence.
When you took on the other three I didn’t worry about Bug, I worried about you. It was a lot to take on. However, here you are dealing and coping with all the crap that other people have thrown down and what it’s done to these kids.
You are brilliant at remembering that this isn’t something the kids are doing to you, this is something the kids are doing because of what was done to them. That makes you an excellent parent, particulary adoption/foster parent, in my book.
Bug always wanted siblings. You gave her three and she loves it. She’s going through a very normal developmental stage based on her history and would be going through it with or without her sibling group around her.
There may be triggers that there wouldn’t be if there weren’t other kids around, but the issues would still absolutely be there and you’d be dealing with them all the same. They’d just come through some other channel.
If you have enough strength to shoulder and love four kids worth of severe problems, then I don’t see how you are anything other than a hero.
Kim, I say this as someone who’s not afraid to get mouthy on someone else’s blog, your rant is misinformed and particularly snotty to boot. You can say what you want, of course, but you come across as pretty stupid. If I were you I’d shut my pie hole.
April 25th, 2007 at 1:03 pm
Just popping up to leave more support; I’d missed KimKim’s comment until you made this entry. Recognizing that I only know a very little about your life from the short time I’ve followed your blog, it had never occured to me that you were doing anything other than your best. Sending good thoughts your ways
April 25th, 2007 at 2:00 pm
Hard.
God it hurts to be atacked when you are already in a world of pain.
Kind of reminds me of the time one of my MANY beloved children was really having a tough time in school and we finally rec’d a diagnosis that made sense and we could use as a starting point to really help our kid and my FIL went off about how this would never have happened if it weren’t for my crazy parenting and how he would never have let kids like my kid with special needs in a classroom with his own children.
I felt like I was being physically assaulted and I couldn’t understand why - Why? I still don’t get it.
I’ve known you online for a while Baggage, we’ve emailed and shared hopes and dreams, I think you are a good Mom and until I started living with my own kids that came with that emotional luggage left by their other parents…I still didn’t fully get how hard and heart wrenching it was for you at times.
I get it now.
There is nothing quite like trying to help your kids figure out and cope with the crap that grownups can’t even deal with.
My youngest is 8.
She struggles so hard, I fear for what the future holds for her and I give it everything I have got to help her learn how to live healthily and to be able to move forward sanely through her life.
At the same time I have no urge to send her brothers and sister away so that I can focus more just on her.
Maybe I would be open to attack for that choice too.
Except that two of those kids I gave birth to and one I adopted.
Maybe that makes it okay that I am not sending them away.
Or maybe I should just keep the kids I gave birth too.
Because maybe, the commitment only counts if they are “real” kids not “foster” kids.
Sucks.
I hope to Heck that I am never in that place where I have to look at placing any of my children into any kind of care like this - but if it happens - I will be lucky to count you among my friends and supports.
Much love dear woman.
April 25th, 2007 at 2:08 pm
i’ve had limited respect for kim.kim for a while. i tried to understand, empathize and respect her opinions, struggles and losses as a first mom. it wasn’t always easy, but this has just sent me over the edge. kimkim, how many foster children have you cared for? how many children have you worked with to get them through the hurts imposed on them by their first parents? how long have you been on bug’s treatment team? where is your degree in child psychiatry, child development, and therapy from?
kim.kim, suck it.
April 25th, 2007 at 2:58 pm
Well, I have to say that kimkim’s post was an example of assvice truely. I take assvice to mean totally useless advice. It is totally useless because of the simple fact that the three foster kids are there now.
And strangely enough, they are not there because the Family Services Department shuffled through their list of 50,000 or 60,000 potential foster homes and decided that baggage’s home could use a bit of disruption. It was much more a “they don’t have anywhere else to go” situation.
And once they were there, and baggage rocked a crying snowbaby to sleep or taught bubba to say a complete sentence, it was way too late for the “get rid of them” advice.
Baggage would cut out her own heart with a dull knife before she would willingly throw three children out to an uncertain future.
It was way too late for that assvice, so it didn’t really help the situation much.
Baggage’s dad, and the three little foster kids second most dedicated protector.
April 25th, 2007 at 3:57 pm
I think it’s very tempting, when dealing with troubled children in Bug’s type of situation, to believe that one discrete action can make everything better. If you remove the other kids from the home, she’ll get better. If she’s accepted into a certain school program, she’ll get better. If she’s moved from one shrink to another, she’ll get better. Etc., etc.
In reality, of course…there generally is no one thing that can “make everything better.” Bug was exposed to drugs in utero. She was bounced around hither and yon through foster care. If she DIDN’T have issues, I’d wonder, because young human beings are not meant to be treated that way.
Is it theoretically possible that the addition of new children to a home, in and of itself, can be such a crisis for a resident child that she requires hospitalization? Sure. But, given that a bevy of psychiatric experts feel that that is not the case here, I’d have to say that the idea that removing these kids from the home is one of those seductively easy “fixes” that, in reality, wouldn’t fix what’s really wrong.
Which is, as you wrote in your post a couple of weeks ago, the fact that Bug’s biological mother isn’t capable of having a relationship with her, and is not going to magically straighten up one day and form said relationship. That’s a hard thing to accept. An INCREDIBLY hard thing to accept. Mommies are supposed to want to be with their babies. Having a parent reject you, whether in an official or in a de facto manner, is one of the cruelest things that can happen to anybody.
As you said in your previous post, this is something that Bug was going to have to deal with. And - while this may sound harsh - better she do so now, while she’s young and has a personality/brain that isn’t fully developed into adulthood, than trying to do so when she’s 19 by crashing cars, breaking into homes, attempting suicide, or any of the other horror stories we read about regarding troubled children. About the only thing the system will do for a rampaging legal adult is, well, lock her up in prison.
I’m sorry. I know how hard this is for the Baggage family, and I wish Bug could have dealt with this without needing hospitalization. But looking for quick magic solutions won’t help out here. What you’re doing - hospitalizing Bug and Butterfly, talking to Bug on the phone, continuing to be her mommy - will. I wish the five (plus) of you the best of luck.
April 25th, 2007 at 4:37 pm
I love that KimKim responds to the quite reasonable responses both from Baggage and from the other people who have posted here by calling those responses flaming. OK, there has been some (quite reasonable as well, in my opinion) name-calling. But focusing on the name-calling in order to ignore the reasonable responses, and lumping it all together under the category of flaming? Yeah, that makes a lot of sense.
So I’ll add my two cents. KimKim, you’re a moron and a bitch. If you don’t have anything constructive to say, don’t say anything at all.
April 25th, 2007 at 5:51 pm
Reality is, Bug will deal with these issues forever. You can’t ever completely “get over” losing a parent/guardian that you bonded to significantly. And although Bug’s b-mom wasn’t a good role model/caretaker, she was still her bmom. That is a wound that will never completely heal. It will be ripped open a million times in the next several decades- at prom, at graduation, birthdays, holidays, wedding, engagement, birth/adoption of her first child, the list goes on and on and on.
It doesn’t matter how wonderful an adoptive mom or foster mom is, how close the bond is, how ideal the new situation is, it doesn’t ever erase what happened before. Time heals some things, and it is awesome that Bug has Baggage in her life as her mom, to love her and give her a sense of normalcy, but you can’t expect it all to just be as though the neglect/abuse/drug exposure never occurred. Get real!
As for the foster kids? Thats probably one of the best things to ever happen to Bug, short of having a real Mom who loves her (Go Baggage, you rock!). Having siblings, learning those relationships and creating those bonds, plus dealing with the facts of life- some people are in your life for a short time, some for a long time due to death/illness/foster care/moving/etc, but Bug has to learn to deal with all of it.
TO rip away the foster kids from Bug’s life right now would leave her with a huge scar- one that says that she “ran off” her sibs, kids who needed a safe place, and that’s a lot of guilt to heap on a poor kid.
In all fairness, “KimKim”, I pity you. You obviously have very little experience in dealing with helping hurting kids, or in foster care/older child adoption, or dealing with teenagers/preteens in general. (because a lot of bio kids deal with the same issues, hello!)
And “KimKim”, maturity is knowing when to keep your mouth shut. This isn’t your family, you are’t the SW. If Baggage asks for an opinion or suggestions, it might be different, although you still need to use a little tact.
I just want to say how much I support Baggage- dealing with RTC’s (especially 2 at a time!), having your heart break over seeing your kids go through this, plus continuing the “routines” at home for the others is soooo difficult. And as a single parent? My gosh, hats off to you!
And Baggage, I’m trying to remember, isn’t this your first experience with RTC’s? The RTC we used to deal with didn’t allow us to take anything that we would miss if it didn’t come home (Stealing was very prominent). I went to the public library and bought a bunch of the kids books that were “discards”. I think they were 10 cents each, and then “donated” them to the RTC, with our foster son having first access. It worked great.
They also let us send photographs, because that seemed to help him deal with the isolation. Make sure she has shower shoes too, because he came home with a foot fungus the first visitation (go nasty showers). Normally they’ll allow a stuffed animal/special pillow too, if they’re on the top level of behavior (but again, I’d send a duplicate one if I were you- a lot of stuff just disappeared, including his glasses!)
Hope you have a great rest of the week & your girls get to come home soon. A lot of times this intensive “coping” time in an RTC can really help!
April 25th, 2007 at 5:55 pm
Bug does not need your sympathy Kim, she’s got a family who loves her and takes care of her NO MATTER WHAT.
I know her family will do the best they can to help her through this difficult time.
Love Love Love.
April 25th, 2007 at 6:00 pm
I don’t know anything about foster parenting first hand but I admire you so much for helping these kids out. Of course one-on-one time with mom is important, but so are siblings and peers and being able to function in those situations. It sounds to me that, although adding kids to your family added complications, it also added friends for Bug. Good luck with everything! I’ll be reading and rooting for you! If you are comfortable with strangers being password-holders, I would love to know your password, but understand that you password protect for a reason, so no worries if you aren’t comfortable.
April 25th, 2007 at 6:01 pm
Oh, “KimKim”, I’m anti-drug too. Just wanted to add that.
Expectant mothers should not take drugs in utero or give their infant children street drugs diluted into formula to keep them from crying.
It really screws up life for the kids later, as we have to experiment with various diets, prescription anti-psychotics/mood-altering narcotics, and therapies to try to correct existing chemical imbalances and brain malfunctions that cause them to attempt suicide, homicide, cutting, eating disorders, violent outbursts, inability to focus in school, and so forth.
So you’re so right, KimKim. If you want to stop America from medicating its kids, then stop the reasons behind the need for it.
If your kid has a staph infection, do you take antibiotics? Do you vaccinate your kids? Ever use neosporin? Some drugs are necessary. I’m not fond of the return of the Bubonic Plague or Malaria, thanks anyway.
Reality, here. Absolutely no one sits around deciding to become a parent, making a list of the medications we’ll use to address various expected behavior problems.
Let’s see, at 2 they’ll be fiercely stubborn and independent, we’ll add Paxil to their Gerber graduates.
They’ll be stressed at 5 when the start kindergarten, we’ll add an anti-anxiety drug with their snack.
At 9, they’ll hit early puberty, we’ll add in birth control, a mood regulator, and what the heck, how about adderall just for the fun of it.
So KimKim, why don’t you spend your free writing time contacting senators about removing transfat from our diets (a serious health risk), or about eliminating pesticides & unnecessary dyes from prepackaged foods. Why not volunteer at a crisis pregnancy center or stand outside the walmart and offer your assistance in personally making sure drug abusing pregnant women get clean.
Even attacking environmental toxins would be productive.
Attacking someone who’s giving up her time, money, sanity, and occasionally her health to help save/rescue/make a difference in the life of at-risk kids, being willing to go to any lengths to help them live a normal life, IS NOT ACCEPTABLE.
Good freaking grief.
April 25th, 2007 at 6:32 pm
my first thought when you added the newest members of your family was “wow, that’s a lot. but i am sure she knows what she is doing. i also am sure that if this wasn’t a good idea for bug, she wouldn’t do it, nor would the foster system allow it to occur.”
yes, bug has some issues. are you to shelter her from reality and focus soley on her so that she thinks that is how life always is? i don’t think so.
if this were a “regular” family, would kimkim tell you to get rid of the rest of her siblings and just focus on the one with more needs? i don’t think so. gawd, i hope not.
bug needs some extras but at the same time, she needs to adapt to a real world…one that includes conflicts, siblings, rules, regulations and change. she needs this while also receiving love and affection. she is getting this all from you, baggage.
i don’t know how many times i’ve read your blog and just felt so amazed at all you do. bug has changed so much since day one. and anyone knows that with the good and fantastic comes the bad and crappy.
and as for FLAMING? oh dear kimkim. if you want flaming, i’m sure you ain’t seen nothing yet.
hang in there baggage.
April 25th, 2007 at 6:40 pm
Like I need your approval ladies?
April 25th, 2007 at 6:44 pm
you don’t want our approval, yet you seem to be coming back for more of something.
April 25th, 2007 at 6:56 pm
like baggage (or us) need you’re advice? how many children have you parented kim.kim? oh that’s right, NONE!
April 25th, 2007 at 7:03 pm
I don’t know what else to say. I am just reading all the comments of support, including your mom and dad and regular readers, and nodding my head and getting tears in my eyes. You totally rock. Kimkim is so wrong. You didn’t fuck up, Bug’s bio mom and then the system did. And all the kings horses and all the kings men couldn’t “fix it” on kimkim’s orders. But having you Baggage, as a mom, certainly works wonders. I have followed you since pre-Bug, and seen you make so much difference in these kids’ lives. Maybe Kimkim should read about Bubba and Snowbaby’s improvements. And then if SHE were in charge of taking them out of there, we could all write to her “You fucked up. You fix it.” cuz she would be directly responsible for fucking them up post-biomom, the same way Bug was by all her moves. And yeah. Who would get to fix it? Not the one ordaning the moves. And who would suffer? everyone. Baggage you are a fantastic mom. Hang in there.
April 25th, 2007 at 8:07 pm
Maybe if KimKim sought counseling and/or medication to help her deal with her guilt issues of abandoning her own child and her unresolved issues that said child is not completely dropping her life in order to exalt the birthmom, maybe KimKim would play nicely with others.
So many kids like Bug & B’fly, who have issues as a child, don’t get the help they need to resolve them while they are young enough to have a fresh start.
I feel sorry for the poor kids with emotional problems who don’t get help, who end up turning out like poor KimKim, pregnant, unable to parent, viciously vengeful to those of us who are trying to help abandoned & mistreated kids.
If KimKim had received counseling, maybe she wouldn’t be lashing out at strangers to vent her anger & issues. Maybe she’d be productive and nice to be around.
There’s hope KimKim. Call your local mental health provider soon!
April 25th, 2007 at 8:31 pm
Ok guys, I appreciate all the support. But let’s try not to judge Kim.Kim based on the choices she has made as a first mom.
Kim.Kim and I have gone round and round several times before. In particular, she said that I was abusing Bug by not allowing her contact with her birth mother, even though I was told that it would be emotionally and physically dangerous for Bug. Kim.Kim is very set in what she believes in.
I don’t want this to turn into a “Let’s bash first moms.”
If you want to disagree with Kim and the statements she’s made, that’s fine, but let’s stick to what she has said on this blog and not attack her for her own issues related to adoption and parenting.
April 25th, 2007 at 8:34 pm
Could we please leave KimKim’s status as a first mom out of this? I read her blog. She was in a terrible situation. She lost her child. I like her, and learned much from her. Here, she is out of line by making a judgement call on a situation she simply hasn’t enough information about. That’s wrong. But I do believe her her concern for Bug, even if badly expressed.
Baggage, I have nothing but respect for you. You’re an amazing mother, and are doing whatever you can for your child. I’m proud of you.
April 25th, 2007 at 8:34 pm
Ah, Baggage posted at the same time. Great minds, and all that.
April 25th, 2007 at 8:35 pm
Baggage, stay strong. I really admire your ability to engage without getting overly invested. But don’t waste too much energy on these kinds of things. All my love to you and the kids.
April 25th, 2007 at 9:32 pm
Baggage,
I just want to say that you have an awesome mom and dad!
April 25th, 2007 at 9:42 pm
I hope that when I’m a mom, I’ll have just as many people supporting me and confident in my parenting skills as you do Baggage. Great job Baggage!
April 25th, 2007 at 11:40 pm
To clarify: I haven’t actually read KimKim’s blog. I was responding to other info that she had posted on other blogs- which seems to have conflicted with what her blog says?
In other posting she made in someone else’s comments sections (which I’m not linking to because I’m not sure they would want me to), she justified her trolling & flaming because of her anger issues due to giving up a child which she later regretted and felt tricked into giving up, which child later was less than excited about reuniting. I am pretty positive this is the same person.
By lost her child, do you mean death/abduction? I’ve tried to access her blog, but our filter won’t open it (I set up a filter to block my kids & their friends, and now I can’t figure out how to bypass some of it !! My luck) probably due to sensitive topic matter that I flagged for the filter.
And I had hoped adding humor to a serious suggestion might help the “bitter pill go down” so to speak.
April 25th, 2007 at 11:42 pm
But sorry if I offended anyone, I just don’t understand why people continually visit blogs and read them if they don’t agree with/support/enjoy the blog’s premise.
Seems counterproductive (or troll-like) to me. If I was in error, by all means, please excuse my posts. The focus here should be on the girls and their treatment & supporting Baggage.
April 26th, 2007 at 12:04 am
When you were first talking about the younger kids, I said ouch. Not because I thought it would be harmful to Bug or the new ones. I worried (because I’m a granny and it’s in our nature to fret) that it would be too much for you. I had visions of you collapsing in a puddle on the floor.
Obviously that hasn’t happened. I’ll just have to find something else to worry about.
I’m glad Butterfly and Bug are doing well and I hope your little family will be reunited soon.
Much love,
Ann
April 26th, 2007 at 1:02 am
“You fucked up, so fix it.”
Yes, indeedy That’s a kind and helpful thing to say to the only adult in Bug’s life who hasn’t let her down, screwed her over, or otherwise failed her.
I love the Internet. It’s full of nice people.
April 26th, 2007 at 10:43 am
Thanks (Baggage) for what you say, it’s ridiculous to start picking on me about something that happened 23 years ago…..I have a wonderful relationship with my daughter, one that many mothers don’t have with daughter’s that grew up with them.
I do think I was a bit impatient in the way I commented to you, I apologize for that. Sometimes I can and will be blunt and rude, it’s one of my character flaws.
I hate to disappoint some people but I’m not bitter or sad, I have a wonderful life.
I was overtired from working too much and when I read that Bug was in a mental institution I found it very upsetting.
Again, I am sorry I didn’t word things to you more gently, I hope you will forgive me for that.
Thanks for sticking up for me, that shows character and maturity.
April 26th, 2007 at 1:54 pm
Actually, this is a really frequent cognitive error or semantic fallacy: thinking that because two events happened in quick succesioon, that they are necessarily related. Google “post hoc ergo propter hoc” if you don’t believe me. It’s one of the things we have to work hardest to disabuse beginning history students of at the university; it’s really hard to understand causality and most things, like this breakdown, are really overdetermined.
April 26th, 2007 at 4:17 pm
I’ve read KimKims blog for quite some time, often with horror. Her posts and comments on others blogs have led me to believe that she could do well with antidepressants and counseling. While I don’t know her at all, my impression is that she is someone very close to the edge at all times. A stiff breeze would push her off the edge. One moment she is the happiest person on earth. The next the agony of being a birthmom is overwhelming her. From my readings she is very quick to judge others and criticize as if she knows best about all topics but, if others criticize her, she either deletes their comments of attacks them on her blog. I’ve also noticed that many of her posts are her set in stone opinion of something she read on someone elses blog.
She has never parented a child which I think would change her perspective considerably. She has especially never parented a child with emotional problems. Unless someone has done so, has lived with the commitment involved, has learned to settle with tiny improvements over several months and the goal that this child will grow into an adult capable of functioning in society, they cant possibly know what is right for others. If they had lived through these experiences, they would know that they know nothing.
April 27th, 2007 at 1:18 pm
There seems to be no shortage of cruel, unnecessary, and stupid commentors here.
*Baggage* I don’t know you but I am sorry that Bug is suffering like this, I pray for her well-being.
April 28th, 2007 at 4:02 am
gosh!i only hold respect for this woman.i am shocked that anyone whould attack her.baggage,i cant say anything more than all these people with nothing but love for you (even weirdo kimkim) but agree with all those supporting you 100%.from across the world,u r in my thoughts and i hope bug comes home soon.
:)
April 30th, 2007 at 10:40 am
Kim.kim is a very rigid thinker. I think she genuinely means well, but she’s not as worldly, intelligent, knowledgeable and experienced as she thinks she is. She often mistakenly targets the helpers as being the real enemy, as viewed through the veil of her tears. I think she’s a mostly good person who unfortunately lashes out at others due to her own pain. Try not to let it bother you, although I know that’s hard. I’m sorry to see she attacked you too.