One of my great readers, Amanda, sent me some questions about foster care adoptions, and I thought I would answer them here. If you’ve been with me since before Bug came home, then you probably know the answers but since I know that I’ve gained/lost readers since then, I hope this is helpful.

Q: What was it like dealing with DSS on a daily personal basis? Meaning, the workers, the process, the paperwork?

A: The truth is, it isn’t really as intense as you might imagine. When it came to Bug, her worker was the one I had the most contact with in the beginning as we set up visits and made arrangements for her to move in. The workers on my end didn’t even come over until Bug had been home for about a month and a half. As far as foster care placements, I’ve never felt intruded upon by the workers..I feel that when they were trying to help, they were helpful. The process is kind of a pain in the butt, but any homestudy process is. There is a lot of paperwork in the beginning but it didn’t take me more than a day to fill it all out. As far as ongoing paperwork, the only paperwork I really do is turning in receipts or mileage or babysitting records.

Q: How intrusive did they get into “private” issues?

A: I was honest during my homestudy about my abuse. First, because I don’t see it as a negative and second, because there are court cases related to it. I didn’t want someone down the line to be able to find out I lied about something. The homestudy worker handled it very well. Her write up in my homestudy was very positive. The important things to remember when you are talking about private issues, and especially private issues that could possibly be a negative, is that they are not expecting you to be perfect. They want to know how you’ve handled it. How you’ve dealt with it. What effects it is having on you now. As far as what else they asked, they asked about my relationship with my parents, how often I saw them, how I would characterize my childhood. They asked about growing up, my siblings, my porce. And what my hobbies were. (I couldn’t really think of my hobbies. I felt lame.) And then they asked a bunch about my parenting (which of course, I hadn’t parented at this point) and what type of child I’d want. I never felt like they were being unnecessarily intrusive.

Q: How long did the process take before you were ready to be matched with a child?

A: It took about four months. The paperwork said it was shorter than getting a barber’s license. I’m not sure why they thought I cared. The majority of the time was spent finishing class. We had one class a week for 10 weeks.

Q:What was the homestudy like?

My homestudy was made up of six visits. They took place over the course of those four months. During the first visit, she gave me all the paperwork, walked through my house, pointed out things that I would need to have changed (for instance, here you have to have one kitchen chair for every person in the house. So if you are licensed for 3 kids and married, you need to have five kitchen chairs.) The second, third, and fourth visits were her asking questions. As I said, about my childhood, about my adulthood, about my feelings towards adoption/foster care, how I felt about birth families, how my family felt about adopted children, and then what type of kids I wanted. At the last meeting I had a chance to review my homestudy (although in California when I went through the process, I did not get a chance to review it) and had to sign off on it. We also did a final walk through of the house. The sixth visit was with Cammie and during that visit I had to sign my contracts. I signed three different contracts: one for foster care, one for emergency care and one for respite care. The homestudy is a lot less scary than it sounds.

Q: What was the process of matching to Bug like and how long did it take before she was home with you? Did the social workers show you a big book of kids, did you go through the photolistings, or were you her foster mother first?

A: I was actively pursuing the photolistings and not getting anywhere really. In most cases, kids are only photolisted after they have tried to find an adoptive home and not been able to. Also, I found that I didn’t get a lot of feedback when I tried to talk to workers outside of the state. (Also, I kept getting annoyed at Cammie and her apparent lack of interest in sending my homestudy out.)

However, social workers send out private profiles to the other social workers. So Cammie was sending them to me and asking if I was interested. I was adamant about having a child 9 or less, so for quite a few of them I told her no. I got Bug’s profile Memorial Day weekend. It basically said she liked group activities and was an average student and had blond hair. That was about it. On June 7th, her worker emailed Cammie asking if I had a chance to review Bug’s long profile. A long profile actually tells you about the kid. Information about their medical history, why they are in care, what issues they have, what their parents are like. She also faxed over a bunch of psychological records of Bug’s that were written recently. She wanted me to review them before I agreed to have my homestudy considered for Bug. I reviewed them, freaked out a little bit, then freaked out a lot, and then said yes.

She then had me send in a lifebook, which in this case was not what you make for adopted children, but rather it was a photo album about me. I freaked out about this thing as well, but it turned out nice. I also almost got in a fight at Walmart with the cashier who CARDED ME for buying SCRAPBOOKING GLUE to make a LIFEBOOK for my POSSIBLE FUTURE DAUGHTER because she thought I wasn’t 18.

So I sent that in and the worker wrote me saying she had gotten it, and it was nice and that the staffing was on a Thursday which was about two weeks away. So I freaked out about that and then Thursday came and went and I was never called. I was pretty sure I hadn’t gotten picked. Even Geo said that they would have probably called me by then. Friday morning came and I was upset and so I took a nap (Thanks Tylenol PM) and when I woke up I had an email from Cammie saying I had been picked. Much freaking out ensued.

That was on Friday and I met Bug on Sunday morning. She was wearing a very ugly pair of shorts. And she talked like a gangster. And told me that adoption meant you never got to see your family again. Then I saw her again on Monday. Then I had to leave her at the foster home. The next weekend was Fourth of July and I got her for the long weekend. We went to Chicago to a Cubs game. We hung out with the fabulous Krissy Poppyhands who showered Bug in gifts. Then I had to bring Bug back to the foster home for the rest of the week. Also, the foster home was about 5 1/2 hours away. And I had to drive back and forth with Bug, and then leave her and come back. But they paid me for the mileage which resulted in a nice check eventually. So Bug went back for a week and then she came back here for a week and then back until Friday and then I picked her up for good. So it was a day visit, a weekend visit, a week visit and then for good. They are required to do this kind of transition, but it was really hard on me and Bug hated it. She freaked out everytime she went back to the foster home. I don’t think she thought she was going to get to come back. The happiest I had ever seen her was on the day she didn’t have to go back anymore.

Q:Did you find that Bug brought a lot of issues with her? Tantrums, attachment problems, stealing/hording food, outrageous lying, etc? Or was it more that she was just a hurt little girl who needed someone to love her unconditionally?

A: Both.

Q:Did it take time before you loved her and felt like her mother?

A: I felt a sense of responsibility to her which I guess was feeling like a mother almost immediately. It took awhile before I loved her. Even longer before I liked her. She was a stranger, and a rude, defiant stranger at that. I was thrilled to have her though, and completely committed. I made a commitment to love her long before I actually loved her.

Q:What was it like going from a young single adult to the parent of an adolescent?

A: It was great and scary and annoying and frustrating and wonderful and terrifying and rewarding and difficult and happy and I spent some time wishing I could just have some time to myself again. She came home during summer so we were with each other 24 hours for almost two months before I had a break and that was hard.

But I’d do it again in a heartbeat.

Thanks Amanda for the great questions. If anyone else has questions about foster care/adoption process, feel free to ask and I’ll try to do my best to answer them or point you in the right direction.

Also, I’m sorry that the formatting is so messed up on this post. I don’t know that is. Wordpress hates my guts.

Technorati Tags: foster care, adoption, attachment, homestudy, single mom

This entry was posted on Monday, January 15th, 2007 at 8:11 pm and is filed under Uncategorized, Parenting, adoption, Adding to the family, My kid is awesome. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.