I am an asshat.
I had the start of my foster care additional training tonight, which I’ll talk about later. But first I have to tell you a quick story that illustrates my overwhelming asshatiness.
At the beginning we all went around and introduced ourselves and I said I had an almost 11 year old and the teacher asked if I was a single mom to Bug and I said that I was, but that I was in a relationship and Bug considered him to be her Dad, blah blah.
At the end of class, the husband of one of the couples leans over to me and says, “Hey. How come you don’t have kids of your own?”
I was taken aback. And so I said, “What?”
And he said, “How come you don’t have kids of your own?”
And I said, “Oh, do you mean biological children? Because Bug is my own child, she is just not biologically mine. Besides, what does “own” children mean anyway? But I can have biological children, well I think I can, but see..I have this good ovary named Elphaba but I also have a bad ovary named Galinda and she is missing and so I don’t know how easy it would be for me to have children, but Dr. Gel said that there is no reason why not and I was going to go through a sperm bank, but I decided I would rather live in the BDH instead and maybe I will try to have biological children at some future date, but I loved adopting from foster care and I feel more drawn to that right now.”
Or at least that is what I decided I should have said.
But no.
I said, “Uh..I can’t have kids.”
And the guy said, “Yeah, that is what I thought but I didn’t want to ask.”
Which, WTF? Because he did ask.
And also, what the hell kind of answer was mine?
I mean, obviously I don’t want to explain to him the status of my reproductive organs (I only do that with strangers on the internet) but I should of said something. I don’t know what though.
And this was the first time he had spoken to me all night.
I’m an asshat, but he’s a bigger asshat.
Technorati Tags: foster care, adoption, biological children, asshat
January 9th, 2007 at 3:40 am
Oh I hate it when I can’t think of things to say until after the fact. I actually just wrote about it, too. Why do people feel they have to know all of a woman’s most intimate personal and physical details? Do men get asked these questions?
He is an asshat. You are not.
e
January 9th, 2007 at 3:53 am
Some people think they can just say anything…it’s differernt if he was trying to share an experience with you like…hey we are infertile or we did IVF etc, but to just say it with no backup…at a foster training no less? Yep, dingleberry is he!
January 9th, 2007 at 4:01 am
Next time, you could always say that your fertility is untested and does he want the job?
January 9th, 2007 at 4:37 am
People can ask the most intrusive tackless questions. He’s a complete ignoramus! You didn’t owe him a response. Adoption is not second best either! Pisses me off.
January 9th, 2007 at 4:41 am
Oh, yeah. He is totally the asshat in this scenario. I don’t blame you for being taken aback by that question. I mean, seriously, does he think you’re just renting Bug out from someone?? How ridiculously RUDE.
Seriously. SERIOUSLY!
January 9th, 2007 at 10:56 am
I know people say stupid things, mostly because they don’t think or maybe because they really are clueless. I think you should come up with a standard reply to such people like, “Its my calling in life” or something. Then you don’t have to think about a reply or if you said the right thing. This is your “calling” in life. You are great at what you do and kids like Bug, you know, those hard to place kids, get the care and love from someone who WANTS them!
January 9th, 2007 at 1:49 pm
What bothers me is that this was a guy at foster care training. He should know better. Grr.
I often say something like “I can’t wait to have a child of my own.” (Referring to my future adopted child vs. hanging out with friend’s kids and the sort.) I can’t tell you how many people have assumed I meant I would try for a biological child after adopting.
January 9th, 2007 at 2:42 pm
I’m with your mom on this, having a standard rehearsed reply helps when you meet asshats, or just plain clueless silly people.
January 9th, 2007 at 2:50 pm
okay so this hat is placed totally on the wrong head!
It is not a shared hat.
It is all his.
He should have been brought up better or learned something along the way.
You responding to his question by being surprized, ambushed and confused is totally reasonable.
It took me a long, long time to not answer questions the same way. It is just that we are not trained to not give honest answers even to invasive questions that are not anyone else’s business.
Now, I try and stare at them like they have a lot of snot on their face and say “excuse me?” in a horrified tone of voice.
Doesn’t always work because I am still caught off guard.
That is the point though, in order to deal with this kind of question, we have to try and prepare ourselves for it, be ready for it and that, just ain’t right.
January 9th, 2007 at 3:08 pm
Sometimes, it’s difficult to come up with a ’self-advocate’ answer, even if they are usually second nature.
When people feel that they share a commonality of circumstance they may feel free to ask certain questions.
And some people are so not-private, that they can’t imagine anyone else being caught off by their questions.
These are things that I tell myself when I’m feeling that I’ve inadequately answered a question that I wasn’t prepared for, or that hadn’t any business being asked in the first place.
Hopefully, he just thought, “Wow, here is this cute girl, with the potential to have a cute (biological) family. I wonder why she adopted and is choosing to be a foster parent once again?” I mean, most people don’t go that route. Especially not at your age.
However, if his suspicion was that you had difficulty conceiving, it would seem (to most reasonable people) inappropriate to ask that question. He would have done better to keep his hunch to himself after you answered.
Sometimes, if it is appropriate, I try to recreate the conversational circumstance so that I can finish a discussion that has gone cold, but I feel unsettled about.
If you’ll see him at each of these meetings, you may want to chat with him and his wife together. At some point, you may say, “I am curious. Can you tell me why you felt comfortable asking me that question?” Do you think you can do that? It may not be necessary, as you get to know them, but if you’re still kicking yourself, or feel that it is an opportunity to correct a pronounced insensitivity, it’s worth a shot.
Take care, and don’t call yourself such names!
January 9th, 2007 at 3:23 pm
Explain to me how YOU are the asshat in this conversation? You need to give credit where credit is due, He’s an Asshole.
January 9th, 2007 at 6:30 pm
Hmm, i agree with the others. You weren’t an asshat, though we all wish we had the perfect wonderful answer when put on the spot. He could use a smack up the side of the head when he said he wouldn’t ask about your infertility, when that is EXACTLY what he WAS asking. Don’t beat yourself up for not saying the “right” thing. (and also, it wasn’t in front of Bug either was it, so it isn’t like she felt you were saying she isn’t your own) hugs (note, maybe instead of confronting him directly, you could ask a question about appropriate ways to answer questions about your fertility, or questions about “your OWN child” in one of the next classes. Maybe then he will hear about appropriate questions and responses from the teacher in a non-specific manner instead of you having to confront him. And everyone could learn good suggestions for that sort of impolite inquisition)
January 9th, 2007 at 7:21 pm
Wow, the nerve of some people. What an idiot. Does he not consider adopted children “your own”? If not, adoption is not for that man. Anyway, when people have asked me in the past why G and I didn’t have children (we were married for over 7 and a half years before we got pregnant) I tended to give them a dumb-founded look and ask - why? That generally elicits a great response of embarrassment (deserved) and chagrin.
January 9th, 2007 at 11:34 pm
WTF
January 10th, 2007 at 1:30 am
Next time someone throws you off with a dumbass question do what I do - just say, “Why do you ask?” Then stare and wait, stare and wait… it’s the greatest feeling! They usually fall over themselves trying to explain and you just nod. This give you thinking time for a good come-back.
January 10th, 2007 at 2:15 pm
nope its just him being the asshat
January 12th, 2007 at 10:00 pm
It’s him. Just him.