Holidailies #20..From where?
I’ve been reading a few interesting discussions on foster care adoptions lately. First is Upside Down Adoption where she explains her reasons for adopting from foster care. And then this post by Foster Abba where she respond to this comment:
What is it about American kids that make them more worthy of a home than kids in other countries?
So, should Americans adopt Americans first? Instead of going to another country?
To answer that, I think we need to look at a few things. First, let’s talk about why people would choose to adopt from China.
- They want a child as young as possible.
- They would like a girl, and chances are they would end up with a girl.
- They want a more definative time line as to when they would get their child.
- They feel a connection to the Chinese culture.
- They have a family member who is Chinese.
- They do not wish to have contact with the first family of their child.
- They live in an area that has a strong Asian population and they feel they could raise their child in an appropriate multi-cultural setting.
- They feel that with an Asian child, they won’t have to deal with as many issues regarding race.
- They have a sense that “their child is in China.”
- They believe that adopting from China is a feminist thing to do.
- They feel drawn to the program after reading a book or seeing a movie.
- They want to have a child that does not have special needs.
- They don’t want to feel that you need to sell yourself to a social worker or potential birth parent.
I am probably missing some things, too. Now, there are obviously some errors in thinking in those reasons. First, you will have to deal with race if you adopt from China. Your child might have special needs that are undiagnosed. You may get a boy. China’s adoption program might slow down (like it has in the past year). You will still have to deal birth famlies, even if not directly. And who knows what the future will bring..in twenty years it might be commonplace for those children abandoned at birth to be able to seek out their birth families. We do not know how things will change or what will happen.
So why don’t people want to adopt from foster care? And are those reasons valid?
First, lets talk about the three ways you can adopt from foster care. You can become a foster parent. If a child that you are fostering does not become reunified with their parents, foster parents are first in line to adopt. You could participate in a foster to adopt program, in which you are licensed as a foster parent but you only take placements of children in which a TPR is likely to occur soon. It is still somewhat of a risk, but a much smaller one than straight foster care. Or you could go a straight adoption route, where the child’s parents have already had their rights terminated and they child is legally free for adoption. This is how I adopted Bug.
When most people think of foster care adoption, they think of the first scenario. This is why you hear people say, “I could never adopt from foster care because I don’t want to have to give the kid back.” If you become a foster parent, you need to understand that the goal is reunify the child with the birth family.
But you can still adopt from foster care and not have to worry about having to return a child. When I got Bug, there was no chance that she would be taken away. Of course, a child who is ready for adoption is generally going to be older. In order to get a young child, you need to be willing to take a legal risk. However, I’ve seen many people foster and end up with babies they got at birth. I’ve also seen children as young as two be available for adoption, with the TPR already complete. If you are not set on a baby, you can adopt from foster care and not have to worry about taking a risk.
Some people feel that they can not handle behavioral issues that are associated with children in foster care. Of course, most people do not realize that you can stipulate what you are willing to take. Also, you will receive detailed information regarding a child that you are interested in adopting prior to adopting them. A child adopted as an infant or even a biological child does not come with that type of information. I knew Bug’s issues before I got her. You don’t have to be willing to take a child with the same issues that I took in order to adopt.
I also think that race has a lot to do with waiting children. There are a lot of African-American children waiting to be adopted in foster care. In my county, there are only two or three foster homes who are willing to take African-American children. (I am one of them). If you take a look through my states’s photo listing, most of the children are black, and the ones that stay on there the longest are black. There are a number of reasons for this, but it is a different subject that I’ll talk about some other time.
So where am I going with this? When it comes down to it, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Adoption is simply another way to build your family.
If we are going to say that people should not adopt from China and should adopt from the US instead, we need to extend that and say that people should not have biological children, but should adopt from foster care instead. There is also the idea that we might be better off if we all looked at ourselves as global citizens. That what happens in China is just as important as what happens in our own country. That we should care what happens to children in China, and the Chinese should care what happens to children in this country, because we all share the same Earth. It might sound simple and idealized, but I think we need to care about children everywhere.
I think that we absolutely need to care what happens to children who are in foster care. I think we should try to educate people about why adopting from foster care is great. That is one reason why I try to keep this blog going, so people can see that Bug is just a kid. I hope that those of you who comment and say, “I love Bug” could maybe see yourself with your own Bug. And maybe you’ll make the call to try to find out how to make that possible.
But I also think that there are really three reasons to adopt: to save a child from poverty or a bad situation, to save a child’s soul, or to build a family. And I think the first two reasons are bogus. So sure, if you want to build your family, I would hope that you would seriously give some consideration to adopting from foster care because I think it is great. But you shouldn’t adopt from foster care because some kids need a place to sleep. What those kids need more is a mom/dad who loves them. Who wants them because they want a child to love. Sure, there are times when I can feel a little smug because I know that I did do something good by adopting Bug and making there be one less child in foster care. But the other 99.99% of the time, I’m just a mom, raising a little girl.
And ya’all, it’s HARD. (As Britney would say)
I know that if I got Bug simply because I wanted to help a needy child, then I would have lost my mind a long time ago. I have Bug because I wanted a child to love, and I think you have to have that mindset or else the child just becomes a burden, like a dog you rescued from the shelter that poops in your shoes.
You should adopt because you think it is a great way to add to your family, not because you want to save someone. And if you think your child is in China, then by all means go to China. If you don’t know where your child is, consider adopting from foster care.
And if you can’t adopt from foster care, but want to help foster children in the US, consider giving to programs that help foster kids, or find a foster family and give them a gift card to Walmart to help out when they get a last minute placement, or bring a foster mom lunch when she has to sit at the hospital with a sick baby (Thanks Lily!) or drop off some car seats to the local DFS, or drop by a Christmas card with some gift certificates for manicures to the DFS workers. There are a lot of ways you can support foster care and foster parents and foster kids without adopting one yourself.
Of course, I’d love it if you would adopt from foster care. I think it is wonderful. I love it when I get an email from someone who says that they are considering adopting from foster care after reading this blog. To me, there is no greater compliment.
But you need to adopt where you heart is.
Technorati Tags: adoption, foster care, China adoption
December 21st, 2006 at 2:39 am
[…] A blogger I love, who is an adoptive mom who adopted through foster care, wrote a post about adoption. […]
December 21st, 2006 at 3:50 am
I’ve written about this topic too. When I was adopting from Russia I was criticized for not adopting from the US. It pissed me off. Since when did adoption become a patriotic issue? Whether they’re from the US, Guatemala, Russia, China, or wherever — kids are kids. They all deserve a loving family.
As you know, I’m adopting from the US now. I’ve encountered several people in the system who criticize my previous attempt at Russian adoption and belittle it. I’ve also had people question why I would want to adopt from foster care. I’ve even heard awful comments about how the kids are really “screwed up.”
I see my Russian adoption and my US adoption as very equal endeavors. I want to be a parent. I want to be a mom. My little boy in Russia needed a mom as badly as I need a child. The same will hold true for my child here in the US. In the long run, despite nationality differences, the kids have more in common than you would think.
December 21st, 2006 at 4:24 am
Two thumbs up! Awesome awesome post!!!! If there’s an adoption blog carnival, this post should totally be in it!!!
December 21st, 2006 at 10:11 am
That is an awesome post! You sum up situation really well.
I’ve always wanted to adopt internationally, and I still do - but your blog has also made me seriously consider adopting from foster care as well. Having a biological kid has never been important to me, but having a child from as close to birth as possible is, which is one of the reasons I would adopt from overseas. I see all forms of adoption as equal. I think what happens to kids in Ethiopia or Guatemala or Russia or anywhere else should concern all people everywhere, because as human beings, no matter our country of birth, we have a duty to look out for each other. I wouldn’t adopt internationally because I think it would be ‘easier’ (safer, fewer behavioural issues, no birth parents etc) or because I want to ‘rescue’ a kid from an orphanage or because it’s ‘trendy’ (see Madonna, ugh). I’d do it because it’s important to me to have a child from close to birth. So my decision to look to another country instead of local foster care for a child is an age thing, not really about the idea that a lot of people seem to have that one form of adoption is somehow better than the other. But your blog also made me realise that not having a kid from birth wouldn’t necessarily be harder - just different, and maybe something I’d like to experience, as well. So you (and Bug) have definitely made me consider foster care as well as international adoption.
December 21st, 2006 at 10:32 pm
I’m glad you liked my post! I feel in the middle on this issue. I see where FosterAbba is coming from and my husband has much the same outlook as she does. But I disagree and say I can’t look down on international adoption as being automatically morally inferior. I think there are both good and bad approaches to doing all kinds of adoptions, including private domestic.
I also think too many people reject adoption from foster care because of kneejerk reactions, including racial reactions, and misconceptions. If people do consider it and reject it, I hope they reject it for the right reasons based on accurate and balanced information.
December 21st, 2006 at 11:10 pm
One thing I was shocked about when I entered the world of adoption is just how judgemental aparents are of one another [coincidentally, I was also shocked at how political pregnancy and childbirth are as well - abortion isn’t the only hot button]. To some, a parent going the international route was the more noble - they are saving a child from the worst possible life. Domestic aparents are somewhat on the selfish side of wanting a baby that looks like them. From the domestic side, foreign aparents are emotionally weak. They went that route because they were scared of the stereotypical domestic horror stories. Once I began reading blogs, judgements fly from every camp. It’s crazy to me. Every child needs a home. What difference does it make where they originated? When everyone became unhinged about Madonna because she adopted internationally instead of from the US (even though she lives in the UK now), I wanted to scream: the woman is only adopting one child. This will only benefit one child. Why is it my business or anyone elses? Anyway…
I am currently considering a tubal ligation. We have two beautiful daughters, but my PPD with Allison beat the crap out of me. Would it be nice to have a little boy? Yes, it would. There’s no guarantee with pregnancy that I will have a boy (but I would equally love another daughter). Am I scared of what another turn in the post-partum world would do to me, my marriage and my family? Yes. Do I want my life decisions to be ruled completely by fear? No. I will say that I am guilty of saying that I could never adopt from foster care for fear of loving a child who has to be returned - especially if that place he or she will go is sheer hell. You opened my eyes about that. Thank you! It makes me feel a lot better about getting spayed (is that the right term for a female). If I decide later on that my family isn’t complete, there is another way to continue to build it.
December 22nd, 2006 at 4:57 am
I used to say, when it came to adoption, that if ppl wanted to adopt, why didnt they adopt from the US b/c there are plenty of kids here who need homes. As Ive gotten older and started to care less about how ppl got their kids, I really have cared less about domestic vs. international adoption. The thing I have learned though that REALLY cements it for me is this startling fact: There are around 144,000,000 orphans in the world and only 100,000 American families adopt each year. Total, domestic or international, only 100,000. Now THAT really opened my eyes totally to the fact that IT DOES NOT MATTER where the child came from, just that they arrived. My response to ppl who would say “Why dont you adopt an American kid; plenty of them need homes, too,” would be, “You are right, there are many who need homes. Why dont you consider welcoming one into yours?” and see what they say. Ill bet they have some excuse about why they cant. But, you know, since you are doing it, they have the right to tell you how you should be doing it e_e
100,000 out of 144,000,000. Thats a sad, sorry shame
December 22nd, 2006 at 7:32 pm
Thanks for ideas about how to support the foster care system without becoming a foster parent. Foster parenting isn’t an option for me right now and I’ve wondered if there’s anything else I can do!
December 23rd, 2006 at 2:58 am
Just wanted to add this list that I put together for a forum I belong to, thought you and your readers would appreciate!
How to help foster kids when you can’t be a foster parent.
1. Help a foster care program in your state. Your contribution to these agencies will mean brighter and safer tomorrows for children and youth in your state and across America.
Check with the Child Welfare League of America to find out how to help your state program. http://www.cwla.org/
2. Mentor a young person. Research shows that children and youth with mentors earn higher grades and improve their relationships with friends and families.
The National Mentoring Partnership http://www.mentoring.org/index.php and In My Shoes http://www.inmyshoesinc.org/ are two places that will help you get started
3. Learn more about how policy, legislative and budget priorities affect children and youth in foster care. check with the Children’s Defense Fund http://www.childrensdefense.org/join/default.aspx to see how you can help now.
4. Donate goods such as suitcases, books, games, computers, sports equipment, musical instruments, clothing, and school supplies to young people in foster care. Check with the National Foster Parent Association http://www.nfpainc.org/index.cfm to see what the local chapter in your area is in need of.
5. Send care packages to foster care alumni attending college. Many youth who have aged out of the system still need some support when trying to further their education. The Orphan Foundation of America has a way to send packages right now! http://www.orphan.org/
6. Help young people in foster care organize a youth leadership or support group. The Foster club is a national nextwork for kids in foster care to connect with others going through the same experience. https://www.fosterclub.org/grownups/index.cfm
7. Become a virtual mentor for a young person in college. Expand the circle of support for a youth in foster care as an email/online pen pal. The OFA will connect you with someone who needs someone to talk to online! http://www.orphan.org/
8. Become a Court Appointed Special Advocate (CASA) volunteer. In an overburdened system, abused and neglected kids often slip through the cracks among hundreds of cases. CASA volunteers can change that. CASA volunteers typically handle just one case at a time—and commit to staying on that case until the child is placed in a safe, permanent home. While others may come and go, CASA volunteers provide that one constant that children need in order to thrive. http://www.nationalcasa.org/volunteer/index.html
9. Shop online and grant a wish for a child in foster care right now. Little Wishes is a program in my area, St. Louis MO, that grants wishes for kids during the holidays. The wishes vary from action figures, art supplies, popcorn parties, sweaters, a class ring, and art lessons. http://www.foster-adopt.org/default2.asp?action=article&ID=3
10. View the Heart Galleries and put a face to the nameless kids in the system. The Heart Gallery™ was founded by the New Mexico Children, Youth and Families Department (CYFD) in 2001 as an innovative way to help waiting children connect with adoptive families. Photographers volunteer their time to capture the personalities of kids in the foster care system. If you’re not able to help in any other way please take a few moments just take a look at these beautiful photographs and look into the eyes of some wonderful kids!
www.heartgallerynj.com/
http://www.childrenshome.org/subpage.asp?navid=0&id=42
http://www.heartgallerywi.org/
http://www.heartgallerytampabay.org/about2.html
http://www1.dshs.wa.gov/heartgallery/
http://www.heartgallerytexas.com
http://www.heartgallerynm.org/
http://www.heartgalleryalabama.com/home/default.asp
October 2nd, 2007 at 7:25 pm
Very true.
I’m not sure if a lot of folks understand that children adopted from China come from ORPHANAGES, so that means there’s a set of issues that have to be dealt with, some of them are simular, worse than, equal to issues children in the foster care system may have.
I plan on trying to do both.
How odd it is to post to an old post.
April 23rd, 2008 at 12:40 pm
munchie…
classic scorched earth…