A little more
Despite my success with the scheduling of appointments, today has not been a good day. I’m not sure what exactly is wrong with me. My head feels FULL. I feel stressed out and anxious. There is no real reason why. I feel paralyzed to do anything, and each minute I do something other than what I am supposed to be doing, I feel panicked.
I’ve gone completely off the wellbutrin. I don’t want to be on anything like that when I’m trying for baby Eldoo. I thought I was doing ok..I had some massive withdraw headaches, but as far as the depression goes, I was doing ok. I felt happy, as witnessed by yesterday’s post.
I definitely think that seasonal affect disorder has something to do with how I feel. I’ve been diagnosed with that before. I need one of those light boxes that American Family raves about. Because seriously? At 1 am I feel wide awake. But right now (5:51 pm) I want nothing more but to go to sleep.
I even contemplated popping one of Bug’s adderall. And I didn’t. Because remember when Lynette on Desperate Housewives became addicted?? Yes, that’s me. Basing my choices on freaking Desperate Housewives. Next thing you know I’ll be burying my toolbox in the woods.
I think a combination of things are at work…one, I do have a lot of work going on. It is the last week of school before finals, I’m trying to get the foster care stuff in, I’m trying to get the damn sperm bank to understand that just because my driver’s license has another address on it, I really do live here.
I also think that it has something to do with the fact that I NEVER GO ANYWHERE. I mean, most days I leave the house just to go pick up Bug. Sometimes I go to the grocery store. But I need to go somewhere.
Geo was going to come over and do a tune up on my van, but bless his heart, he offered to come over and help me clean the house instead. If I at least had a clean bedroom, I would be less panicked. I think I’m going to see if we can go out to eat. If I got out and ate, I think I would feel better.
You know, although this post sounds pathetic, I’m proud of myself. I used to feel this way ALL the time when I was in college the first time. And I couldn’t deal with it at all, and so I did the only logical thing..I cut myself.
But I’ve reached the point of mental stability where I can tell when I’m not feeling good, and I can try to arrange things so that I feel better. It sounds like a small thing, but to me it is huge.
How do depressed people have babies? How am I supposed to get through TTC without my wellbutrin? Can you request a C-section? Because if somebody has to keep checking my cha, I swear I’ll have a nervous breakdown. Britney did it, didn’t she? And then I read something about pooping while delivering a baby and that made me have a nervous breakdown. Am I definitely going to get PPD? Have I told you how strange it is to have a quiet house because Bug has been reading for TWO HOURS STRAIGHT?
This concludes my mental health update.
November 29th, 2006 at 1:49 am
This is why I love reading what you say! I went off my Wellbutrin shortly before getting pregnant because “I felt so much better.” And two very dark, sad weeks after having my baby I went on to Zoloft (Dr wouldn’t prescribe W for nursing mommy). Seasonal depression and a baby born in winter. Dumb dumb dumb. You won’t necessarily get PPD. But you’ll know it if it hits you since you’ve been depressed before. Luckily for me and my baby it was only two weeks. I don’t remember ANYTHING about those weeks but darkness and crying. Baby’s and mine.
If you poop during delivery, the nurses will get it before you even know it happened. You’ll be otherwise focused, anyways.
I love your new page!
November 29th, 2006 at 2:04 am
Please, please don’t worry about pooping during delivery. I was MORTIFIED when I heard about this–thought about how ashamed and embarassed I’d be if it happened. Anyway, when I did deliver my son I didn’t care one bit–and believe me you won’t either. Afterwards I was talking with hubby and thought I hadn’t. He told me I had. TWICE. OMG. I didn’t even know. It happens while you are pushing the baby out so you really can’t tell. The nurses didn’t react or comment or anything. As I recall now, I do remember them shifting my legs and sliding something under me. I thought it was for the baby. NOPE. Trust me…everyone is embarassed at the thought, but when it is time to push, the only thought on your mind will be GET THIS BABY OUT. Good luck on TTC!!!
November 29th, 2006 at 3:15 am
You sure have lots going on today!
First let me give you a big hug! ((((((HUG)))))))
It must be hard to go off of Wellbutrin, my sister was taking it for a while and when she went off she immediately went back into her depression, so good for you for staying positive even if you having one bad day.
To answer your pregnancy questions - no you can’t usually request a c-section if you have never had a child before. If you have already had one then you can schedule it with no problem, but the fact is that it is surgery, albeit a common one. If you can go through labor naturally (and by that I mean the regular way, not without drugs), then you should take that option because speaking from a woman who has had TWO c-sections, the after effects are not pleasant. Although it is nice getting 5 days in the hospital.
On the PPD - you are more likely to get it if you have had clinically diagnosed depression before. I had depression for a long time and wasn’t aware I had severe PPD until long after both my children were born. It wasn’t till Matthew was almost 2 until I realized it felt like a fog had been lifted. Honestly, I don’t know about others but I seriously didn’t know I was going through it while I was going through it, and it was bad. Bad meaning I had thoughts of hurting myself or my son, but never in reality, kind of like drifting off but not sleeping… Its weird, but something you may not know you are going through, so WHEN you get pregnant talk to your doctor or midwife before you give birth about your previous depression so she can be aware of oncoming PPD.
November 29th, 2006 at 4:04 am
Drugs are powerful and can mess a person up, but can be quite helpful. It is hard to know what to do sometimes. I sometimes feel like I need paxil again but I am not messing with any anxiety medicine until I am sure I am finished with baby makin.
November 29th, 2006 at 4:45 am
Ask Moxie has a lot of information and suggestions about dealing with PPD. I think she has a link to those posts on her sidebar. Doctor Mama wrote about her own experience with depression, including taking meds while pregnant. (hey-she’s getting a lightbox too!)
The doctors do have some information on which antidepressants are less risky for pregnancy (and breastfeeding, not necessarily the same ones, I think?).
Like you, I didn’t want to be taking the meds when TTC. Fortunately for me, I was feeling good by then anyway. I hope it will last. The thought of PPD scares me.
Good luck with all of it.
November 29th, 2006 at 5:18 am
Hello, I’m a delurking nurse practitioner student who loves your blog.
Some midwives will keep vaginal exams to an absolute minimum and even avoid them almost entirely during labor unless labor seems to have stalled.
Pooping you won’t even notice if it happens.
Some physicians will schedule elective c-sections for first time moms. If you only want one more kid, that’s not an issue. If you want more than one, I’d avoid it. They create complications in future pregnancies. They might be reluctant to do one for you because of your prior surgeries. They will have created adhesions and scarring and they will make the surgery more difficult.
It’s also major surgery- you have a threefold risk of dying with an elective c-section than with a vaginal delivery. But the risk is still extremely low (I think last year only 200 women in the US died from childbirth).
Post-partum depression, all I can say is build up your support network. There are anti depressants you can take while pregnant that will reduce your chance of developing post partum depression. Definitely talk to your provider about it ahead of time.
November 29th, 2006 at 6:01 am
Well, I certainly understand that stressed out panicky feeling whenever you do something cuz you aren’t doing everything else. Horrid place to be. Sorry bout that, and thanks so much for helping me out today with so very much on your plate. Glad to hear Geo is helping out. Geesh I can scarcely imagine such a thing happening in my life. As for depression and anxiety: this stresses me out a lot: depression runs in my family and sometimes I don’t feel the most stable, though like you, I am proud of noting my moods and working on changing things consciously, and that seems to make a huge difference. Just the idea (and evidence) that I have some control. One of the first books I got when thinking of adopting was the one about postadoption depression. It made me feel less alone. I don’t know about PPD since obviously I never got that far. My mom was on antidepressants after her first two kids, and could NOT go off them, which is why the next two were adopted. It is a difficult question, of what to do ttc. I am pretty sure you can do it though. You are pretty damn amazing. hugs.
November 29th, 2006 at 12:34 pm
You’re really cognizent of how you’re feeling and that’s excellent. One of my best friends has dealt with depression since she was 16. She tried to get through her pregnancy without anything, but ended up having to take meds. I don’t remember what she was on, but I know she couldn’t be on Wellbutrin. Your doctor can tell you what is contraindicated for pregnancy.
November 29th, 2006 at 12:50 pm
Dude, come over to the light box side. It is very very nice over here.
November 29th, 2006 at 2:35 pm
Just stop right there. First things first. Put the pooping and the PPD on the back burner.
What’s the first thing? Go get your driver’s license updated and take advantage of some time out and about. Then you can tackle the next thing, whatever that may be.
November 29th, 2006 at 8:19 pm
It is always hard for people with pyschatric illnesses to choose to have a bio child. It is really scary. But I think you have done alot of work to prepare yourself for what you are gonna feel. You have a huge toolbox (that is not buried in the backyard) to use when things feel not right. Just try and remember to look over your descions careful, hopefully with someone who’s opinion you trust and keep putting one foot in front of the other. I think you deserve the chance to try and have a bio child so give yourself some room to learn how to function without the drugs. You can always email me if I hear you planning something too wacked I will tell you. Hang in there it does get easier.
November 30th, 2006 at 2:10 am
I think Wellbutrin is Category B, pretty safe to take. It’s not guarenteed you’ll you get PPD. I was sure I’d get it. I have a long history of depression and anxiety disorders, I dealt with two years of infertility, had IVF, and was having twins. All the major risk factors. Oh, and I’ve been off meds for a few years and stopped seeing my counselor. And much to my surprise, I’m ok. The first few months were really rough, but I’m ok. No PPD.
And if I pooped during delivery, no one told me. I did pee everywhere though. And didn’t care a lick.
December 3rd, 2006 at 7:07 am
Hey, I recently learned about something that is truly helping people, without drugs, and without a lot of effort. It’s free, so check it out. I’ve been working with a depressed friend with it, and so far it’s helping. We haven’t tackled big things yet, but any improvement is good!
http://www.emofree.com/downloadeftmanual.asp
And no side effects
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