What's better than a hilarious joke? A hilarious joke that's filled with smut and innuendo, of course. And have we got some great dirty jokes for you. It goes without saying that the following contains some strong language, and very adult humour. Why is there no jam?
A wet nose. Twitter: spookyalysia. A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left? Is it encouraging your mind to dwell on sexual improprieties? I like my downstairs the way it is thank you very much. Sex with me these days is akin to thumbing marshmallows into the anus of Biceps teenage cat. Funnny got stuck in a crack. She said, "Depends what's in it for me. He Humour humor funny sex tips the prize for best toast of the night!
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Twitter: BrianaSymoneee. His note read:. Twitter: ItsReallyJuicy. As the father hears the news, a huge grin spreads across his face. Submit Joke. Funny Short Stories Education Jokes. Twitter: sinice. Johnny noticed that Jimmy was wearing a brand new, shiny watch. Randy May Humple April 16,am. Paddy was planning to get married and asked his doctor Humor he Humour humor funny sex tips tell if his bride is a virgin.
A man walks into a bar.
- The material that is presented here is for adults only.
- Crystal Ro.
- A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.
- Paddy was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin.
A man walks into a bar. Upon sitting down a busty blond waitress pours him a drink and asks if he would like some food. He looks up at the menu above the bar it says:. Becasuse both of those words mean penis. The National Poetry Contest had come down to two semifinalists: a Yale graduate and a redneck from Wyoming.
They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was Timbuktu.
First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:. Slowly across the desert sand Trekked a lonely caravan. Men on camels, two by two Destination—Timbuktu. The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:. Me and Tim a-huntin went, Met three whores in a pop up tent. They was three, and we was two, So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.
So the friend is now having sex with the woman while the man wafts the towel. I used to date an English teacher, but she dumped me for inappropriate use of the colon. Two nuns are painting an office at the rectory on a hot summer day. One says to the other, we should take off our habits so as to not get paint on them. So both nuns are painting the room in the nude when they hear a knock on the door.
Now where do you want me to install these blinds? He wins the prize for best toast of the night! Another hour later, Dougall wobbles home and in the back door. What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? M akes choking sounds. A little boy and his father are walking down the street, and they see two dogs having sex. A few days later, the little boy walks in on his parents having sex. A man is in a lift elevator with a beautiful woman. A man gets on a bus and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun.
Naturally she says no and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun. The man decides to try it and dresses up in his best God costume. The man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty. The nun says yes, but tells him she prefers anal sex.
Two nuns are riding bikes along a cobbled road. Her beauty was such that no man in the land could withstand it. Knowing this, wise King Arthur affixed her with a chastity belt, which on the outside had many spikes and snags to disuade any competitors.
When he returned from the crusades he called a meeting of his knights, and demanded they all drop their trousers to see who had been unfaithful and had attempted to lay with Guenivere.
All the men except Good Sir Lancelot had scars and cuts on their thighs and genitals, showing that they had been unfaithful to King Arthur. This joke is best when told in public and incredibly overperformed with storytelling and accents and such, as my uncle did when he told it to 14 year old me at a fine dining restaurant.
A girl walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre, so he gives it to her. Two ladies are sitting in a veterinary waiting room with their dogs. One of them has a large Rottweiler. The second has a tiny Terrier. He runs all over the house and then mounts my leg. How about you? I have the same issue with Brutus here! She agrees and climbs the flagpole.
When she gets home she tells her mother what happened. A family walks into the lobby of a hotel when the father quickly approaches the front desk ahead of his family. If blackbirds make baby blackbirds and bluebirds make baby bluebirds, what kind of bird makes no baby bird? Four nuns die and arrive at the pearly gates. Saint Peter is there and asks the first nun if she had ever touched a penis. The nun dips her finger in the holy water and enters heaven.
The second nun complies and enters heaven. A bank manager called into his office one of his employees to tell her about the company downsizing. After some small talk, he finally mustered up the courage to break the news.
He said,. Two elderly women are sitting on a park bench. A man in a trench coat runs up to them and flashes them. One woman had a stroke. The teacher praises the little girl. Little Johnny, which part of the body do you think goes to heaven first? Mom finds a large number of BDSM magazines beneath her sons bed.
Calls her husband up to the room to show him and discuss. A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution. She said if I bought her cute underwear I could see her wearing it. Sign up for the Thought Catalog Weekly and get the best stories from the week to your inbox every Friday. You may unsubscribe at any time. By subscribing, you agree to the terms of our Privacy Statement.
By January Nelson Updated September 30, January Nelson is a writer, editor, dreamer, and occasional exotic dancer. Her work has appeared on Facebook, Get our newsletter every Friday! You're in! Follow Thought Catalog.
Then, he asked his son to take it back to the lady in the kitchen. Twitter: hoebymistake. She said "I knew it, asshole, explain the dildo! A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left? His wife, Heather, had already awakened though, and she was downstairs preparing breakfast in the kitchen. We give you the stunning weapon that will knock off everyone, who bother you with dullness.
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Sex Jokes – Funny Jokes for Adults | Laugh Factory
What's better than a hilarious joke? A hilarious joke that's filled with smut and innuendo, of course. And have we got some great dirty jokes for you. It goes without saying that the following contains some strong language, and very adult humour. Why is there no jam? Have you run out of eggs?
Sex with me these days is akin to thumbing marshmallows into the anus of a cat. I don't. I just don't like things that stop you from seeing the television properly. Sex is a lot quicker. You open presents in front of your family! Who's there going, 'What have you got, Nan? Same here! Women now look at my naked body in the same fearful way that pensioners look at snow. Then I went to watch the crocodiles. I said, 'You're right, it's supposed to be up the bum! The guy goes, 'So you can put it up yourself?
I was having sex with this poor girl and I was trying my best, but I was like Scotland at the World Cup - just happy to be there. Just all in my experience. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike. I like my downstairs the way it is thank you very much. Of course I do. I have a handrail around the bed. She's particularly annoyed at my improper use of the colon. What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? Why do walruses love a Tupperware party? One snatches your watch.
The other watches your snatch. What do you do when you come across an elephant in the jungle? How is being in the military like getting a blowjob? The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel. What do you do if your partner starts smoking? Slow down and possibly use some lubricant.
Doctor: "Sir, I have some bad news. What's the last thing Tickle Me Elmo receives before leaving the factory? Two test tickles. Did you hear about the guy who died of a Viagra overdose? They couldn't close his casket. What do you get if you cross an owl and a rooster? A cock that stays up all night. Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
He worked it out with a pencil. What did the elephant say to the naked man? How do you breathe through that tiny thing? Why do they say that eating yogurt and oysters will improve your sex life?
Because if you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything. I bought a box of condoms earlier today. The cashier asked if I'd like a bag.
I said "no, I'll just turn the lights off. My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the bonnet of her Honda. I refused. If I'm going to have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord. The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I'd like to masturbate in the cup. I said, "Well, I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet. I've been taking Viagra for my sunburn.
It doesn't cure it but it keeps the sheets off my legs at night. The best way to make your wife scream during sex is to ring her up and tell her where you are.
I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my 17 brothers and sisters and they didn't know either. I saw a dildo the other day described as "nine inches long and realistic".
I thought, "Well, which is it? I always worry when a woman sees me naked for the first time that she's just going to scream and run out of the park. Then I realised I hadn't turned the telly on. I've currently got a stalker. But you probably can't tell in these trousers.
I got a DVD on how to improve your foreplay. I had to fast-forward through the boring bit at the beginning. I'm trying to finish writing a script for a porno movie, but there are just too many holes in the plot. A woman participating in a survey was asked how she felt about condoms.
She said, "Depends what's in it for me. I took a Viagra the other day. It got caught in my throat and all I ended up with was a stiff neck. My colleague can no longer attend next weeks Innuendo Seminar so I have to fill her slot instead. I nearly lost my job as a roofer when I was caught masturbating on the first day.
Luckily my boss suggested we just wipe the slate clean. Always end up at self-checkout. The young couple next door to me have recently made a sex-tape. Obviously, they don't know that yet Sign in Edit Account Sign Out. Updated Friday, 6th September , pm. From naughty gags about sex, to close-to-the-knuckle toilet humour, look no further.
If this is the first time you have subscribed to emails from JPIMedia Ltd, the publishers of inews, please check your inbox to verify your email address. Sorry, there seem to be some issues. Please try again later. So strap yourself in, and try not to tell these filthy gags at any formal engagements She died. Photo: BBC. Unless you include my cat. Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack?
He only comes once a year. A submarine. Photo: Shutterstock. What do you call someone with a small penis? What's the difference between light and hard?
You can sleep with a light on. Want to hear a joke about my penis? The taste. Where you stick the cucumber.