Cammie just left and it went smashingly.

I don’t know if her attitude has changed or mine has but now we are like BFF.

Makes for a less exciting blog though.

Although I probably will change my mind next week.

I’m now officially a foster parent again.

For girls 12 and younger and boys 6 and younger.

She loved the BDH.

Oh get this! There is a class I can take on behavior training. Then I will be licensed as a behavioral foster parent. I said, “Well what qualifies as a behavioral foster child?” and she said that Bug would definitely qualify. And if I had taken the training prior to adopting Bug, my adoption subsidy would be 400 dollars a month more!! Of course, it’s not retroactive, but I’m going to take the class anyway. First, because I think it would be helpful, but second because if I get another “Bug” then a larger subsidy would certainly be nice!

My homestudy is going in on a sibling group.

And Cammie said that she would try to get Bug some kids to play with soon.

So here we go again…

P.S. I didn’t even have to hide my dirty dishes this time.

Technorati Tags: parenting, foster care, adoption, kids, homestudy

Oh boy. Bug seems to go through phases. She’ll be really good for awhile, then rotten for awhile. She’s in a rotten phase now. I’m not sure if it is Christmas-related, because she didn’t have the same problem last year. But she’s just running around like a crazy person. Being rude, throwing tantrums, saying she hates me over a game, asking for food and when I say no, taking it anyway. Last night, Geo got fed up with her for pretty much the first time ever. I mean, he was FED UP. It was kind of nice, because for once I was the good guy instead of always being evil Mommy who makes her do what she is supposed to.

About Geo’s Christmas gifts..he got me several things, including some bedroom furniture. He got Bug and I authentic licensed Cubs jerseys. On the back, it says our respective nicknames, and then 11 on mine and 8 on hers, for 11/8..our adoption day. Isn’t that sweet? He was really proud of himself.

Now I’m just trying to get back in the swing of things. This is the first time in a long time that I haven’t held a full time job, or been going to college full time. I’ll be working at home, and I’m nervous about it. I’ve been working at home for awhile, but just as a way to bring in extra cash. Luckily, I have my disability compensation and Bug’s adoption subsidy (which is only $275) so I’ve got a good head start.

I’m hoping 2007 is a kick ass year.

Oh, speaking of 2007, do you know Walmart has already replaced all the Christmas stuff with Valentine’s day stuff? Isn’t that slightly ridiculous?

Also, I’m going to be blogging about my attempt to do the Flylady program over on my other blog. I’m looking for people to join me. Come join me!

P.S. If I owe you a Christmas card because we participated in an exchange or because you sent me one, I KNOW. I SUCK. Between graduation and the move and all, I did not get them sent out. But they are going tomorrow. I know. It’s dumb. But better late than never right?? Also, I’m having difficulty with my Outlook Express, so if you email me through the site and I don’t write back right away, I’m working on it.

Technorati Tags: adoption, Cubs, Valentine’s Day, Walmart, Christmas, Flylady

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I’ve been reading a few interesting discussions on foster care adoptions lately. First is Upside Down Adoption where she explains her reasons for adopting from foster care. And then this post by Foster Abba where she respond to this comment:

What is it about American kids that make them more worthy of a home than kids in other countries?

by American Family.

So, should Americans adopt Americans first? Instead of going to another country?

To answer that, I think we need to look at a few things. First, let’s talk about why people would choose to adopt from China.

• They want a child as young as possible.
• They would like a girl, and chances are they would end up with a girl.
• They want a more definative time line as to when they would get their child.
• They feel a connection to the Chinese culture.
• They have a family member who is Chinese.
• They do not wish to have contact with the first family of their child.
• They live in an area that has a strong Asian population and they feel they could raise their child in an appropriate multi-cultural setting.
• They feel that with an Asian child, they won’t have to deal with as many issues regarding race.
• They have a sense that “their child is in China.”
• They believe that adopting from China is a feminist thing to do.
• They feel drawn to the program after reading a book or seeing a movie.
• They want to have a child that does not have special needs.
• They don’t want to feel that you need to sell yourself to a social worker or potential birth parent.

I am probably missing some things, too. Now, there are obviously some errors in thinking in those reasons. First, you will have to deal with race if you adopt from China. Your child might have special needs that are undiagnosed. You may get a boy. China’s adoption program might slow down (like it has in the past year). You will still have to deal birth famlies, even if not directly. And who knows what the future will bring..in twenty years it might be commonplace for those children abandoned at birth to be able to seek out their birth families. We do not know how things will change or what will happen.

So why don’t people want to adopt from foster care? And are those reasons valid?

First, lets talk about the three ways you can adopt from foster care. You can become a foster parent. If a child that you are fostering does not become reunified with their parents, foster parents are first in line to adopt. You could participate in a foster to adopt program, in which you are licensed as a foster parent but you only take placements of children in which a TPR is likely to occur soon. It is still somewhat of a risk, but a much smaller one than straight foster care. Or you could go a straight adoption route, where the child’s parents have already had their rights terminated and they child is legally free for adoption. This is how I adopted Bug.

When most people think of foster care adoption, they think of the first scenario. This is why you hear people say, “I could never adopt from foster care because I don’t want to have to give the kid back.” If you become a foster parent, you need to understand that the goal is reunify the child with the birth family.

But you can still adopt from foster care and not have to worry about having to return a child. When I got Bug, there was no chance that she would be taken away. Of course, a child who is ready for adoption is generally going to be older. In order to get a young child, you need to be willing to take a legal risk. However, I’ve seen many people foster and end up with babies they got at birth. I’ve also seen children as young as two be available for adoption, with the TPR already complete. If you are not set on a baby, you can adopt from foster care and not have to worry about taking a risk.

Some people feel that they can not handle behavioral issues that are associated with children in foster care. Of course, most people do not realize that you can stipulate what you are willing to take. Also, you will receive detailed information regarding a child that you are interested in adopting prior to adopting them. A child adopted as an infant or even a biological child does not come with that type of information. I knew Bug’s issues before I got her. You don’t have to be willing to take a child with the same issues that I took in order to adopt.

I also think that race has a lot to do with waiting children. There are a lot of African-American children waiting to be adopted in foster care. In my county, there are only two or three foster homes who are willing to take African-American children. (I am one of them). If you take a look through my states’s photo listing, most of the children are black, and the ones that stay on there the longest are black. There are a number of reasons for this, but it is a different subject that I’ll talk about some other time.

So where am I going with this? When it comes down to it, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Adoption is simply another way to build your family.

If we are going to say that people should not adopt from China and should adopt from the US instead, we need to extend that and say that people should not have biological children, but should adopt from foster care instead. There is also the idea that we might be better off if we all looked at ourselves as global citizens. That what happens in China is just as important as what happens in our own country. That we should care what happens to children in China, and the Chinese should care what happens to children in this country, because we all share the same Earth. It might sound simple and idealized, but I think we need to care about children everywhere.

I think that we absolutely need to care what happens to children who are in foster care. I think we should try to educate people about why adopting from foster care is great. That is one reason why I try to keep this blog going, so people can see that Bug is just a kid. I hope that those of you who comment and say, “I love Bug” could maybe see yourself with your own Bug. And maybe you’ll make the call to try to find out how to make that possible.

But I also think that there are really three reasons to adopt: to save a child from poverty or a bad situation, to save a child’s soul, or to build a family. And I think the first two reasons are bogus. So sure, if you want to build your family, I would hope that you would seriously give some consideration to adopting from foster care because I think it is great. But you shouldn’t adopt from foster care because some kids need a place to sleep. What those kids need more is a mom/dad who loves them. Who wants them because they want a child to love. Sure, there are times when I can feel a little smug because I know that I did do something good by adopting Bug and making there be one less child in foster care. But the other 99.99% of the time, I’m just a mom, raising a little girl.

And ya’all, it’s HARD. (As Britney would say)

I know that if I got Bug simply because I wanted to help a needy child, then I would have lost my mind a long time ago. I have Bug because I wanted a child to love, and I think you have to have that mindset or else the child just becomes a burden, like a dog you rescued from the shelter that poops in your shoes.

You should adopt because you think it is a great way to add to your family, not because you want to save someone. And if you think your child is in China, then by all means go to China. If you don’t know where your child is, consider adopting from foster care.

And if you can’t adopt from foster care, but want to help foster children in the US, consider giving to programs that help foster kids, or find a foster family and give them a gift card to Walmart to help out when they get a last minute placement, or bring a foster mom lunch when she has to sit at the hospital with a sick baby (Thanks Lily!) or drop off some car seats to the local DFS, or drop by a Christmas card with some gift certificates for manicures to the DFS workers. There are a lot of ways you can support foster care and foster parents and foster kids without adopting one yourself.

Of course, I’d love it if you would adopt from foster care. I think it is wonderful. I love it when I get an email from someone who says that they are considering adopting from foster care after reading this blog. To me, there is no greater compliment.

But you need to adopt where you heart is.

Technorati Tags: adoption, foster care, China adoption

Bug: Mommy, how old do you have to be to adopt?

Me: It just depends. You have to be at least 18, and most of the time you have to be 21. And sometimes if you adopt from overseas, like from China, you have to be 30.

Bug: How old will Baby be when I am 18?

Me: Well, that will be in 8 more years, so he’ll be about 8 1/2.

Bug: If he doesn’t have a family by then, I am going to adopt him.

Me: Well, hopefully he will. Eight years is a long time. Hopefully his parents will get their act together, and if not, hopefully he can be adopted by another family.

Bug: But if not, I am going to adopt him.

Me: OK.

Bug: I’m going to say, “I loved you when you were a baby and I love you still, even though you are old.”

Me: Sounds good.

Bug: Mom, you loved me, even though I was 9 right?

Me: Yes, I did.

Bug: Some people think you can’t love older kids because they have a personality.

Me: Oh.

Bug: That isn’t true though. You can love people no matter how old they are. I love you and Geo and you are OLD. And Nana is OLDER. And Papa J and Grandpa P are VERY OLDER. They are even older than Geo.

Me: True.

Bug: At least when Baby is 8, he will not poop in a diaper and throw up down your shirt. So adopting him will be easier then. I DO NOT LIKE POOP AND PUKE.

Technorati Tags: adoption, foster care

Bug is not a breadstick.I saw this over at Kim.Kim’s. Pizza Hut has launched a campaign called “Adopt A Bite.” (I am guessing this is only in the UK?)

It is basically a viral marketing plan based off of this website-Adopt A Bite Now.

A bite is apparently like a breadstick with cheese in the middle?

And the website is pretending to be an adoption agency:

Everyone is welcome to adopt! It doesn’t matter if you’re a single mum or dad, or a teenager, a senior citizen, a size 14 or a French politician. Even short people and married couples with children may adopt with AFAOLB™.

Now usually I don’t get all wrapped up in the use of the word “adopt” in other circles than the actual transfer of legal rights from one parent to another. Adopt a Highway, for instance, doesn’t really bother me. I know that it bothers a lot of people, but when I pick my battles, it falls rather low on the list.

But a page like this?

It details the reasons you should “adopt a bite” and it is full of adoption stereotypes and just blatant disgusting comparisons. Even if you can get past the idea that they are equating adopted children and pieces of cheese filled bread, can you get past statements like this?

Without a loving family it’s hard for a little bite to develop its full potential and live a successful life. Many orphaned bites end up in the gutter struggling day by day to survive. Even more unfortunate bites end up on the black market, a lawless underworld where the ethics of society don’t apply.

Right. Because most adoptions are done on the black market. And the page goes on to ask the bite why he was abandoned (because he was premature), asks him if he understood that no one wanted him, and includes pictures of “orphaned bites” begging for money.

Wow. How utterly tasteless. (Which is never a good thing for a food ad)

I don’t think I need to tell you that adopted children are often very much wanted, even if they are technically abandoned. And I use the word abandon here to mean actual abandonment, NOT what mothers do when they make an adoption plan. Yet, this website grabs onto every negative stereotype about adoption and runs with it.

The letter Pizza Hut wrote back to Kim.Kim says that they wanted to focus on the positive sides of adoption, which I guess they are meaning when new parents can click on the shiny yellow button that says “Adopt Now” and be handed over their very own cheesy bread.

I don’t think an ad for a breadstick needs to go into the complex issues surrounding adoption and loss, but at the same time, using the way people build their family as a way to sell pizza is pretty lame. But if they wanted to use adoption as the center of their ad, then why did they do it in such a disgusting and sensationalized way?

I do not hide a lot of things from Bug, but I know she would be hurt by that ad. And I can imagine children who were actually abandoned by their parents would be even more so. And judging from what Kim.Kim said on her site, it hurts moms like her as well.

I guess Pizza Hut is getting what they want though, by using a viral campaign like this because here I am talking about it.

I’m not saying that we need to treat adoption like it is a fragile piece of pottery that we can’t even be in the same room with. And it isn’t even the idea that you can adopt a breadstick (which I find pretty stupid) that is so offensive..it is how they portrayed adoption. Come save a poor lonely cheesestick that no one wanted.

I wouldn’t even be so offended if it was done by a comedy team, but on a website advertising a family restaurant (and I am guessing this campaign spreads further than just this website with TV ads etc) then this type of advertisement is disgusting.

Technorati Tags: adoption, Pizza Hut, Adopt A Bite

Oh boy am I tired. I stayed 24 hours with little Baby. Poor little Baby. Hospital chairs are not comfortable to sleep in, by the way. And with two sick babies in a room, people were in and out every few seconds.

I also got to hear every “improper” adoption terminology you can imagine. “Why did the parents give the kids away? Can’t you have kids of your own? Why didn’t you have kids naturally? Did somebody give this baby up for adoption? Did you know my aunt went to Guatemala and got a baby because they pay the moms over there money to have babies and give them to Americans? I was going to adopt but I filled out the application and got pregnant.”

And I got one hour of sleep so I’m back to do my sobbing thing. So more tomorrow.

But..

I got the keys to my BDH!!!

and

Geo: So what is this musical about, Bug?

Bug: It was about when Jesus was boring.

Technorati Tags: foster care, Jesus, adoption

I’ve been reading the new restrictions that it seems that China will be placing on their adoption program. The latest news is that starting in May they will not be allowing any more singles to adopt. (That is for LID’s after May)
That makes me sad. I’ve kept the idea of adopting from China in my head for a long time now. I would have to wait until I’m 30, which is why I don’t talk a lot about it, but it is sad that it looks like it is going to end. Of course, China can do whatever it wants.

No word on the house. I’ve emailed her all my information. I followed up this morning, she said she hadn’t “gotten up on the internet” yet. I am so afraid that she is going to rent it to someone else.

And Bug answered one of the questions you guys asked awhile back, how to deal with bullies.

If you ever had troble with a bulley tell on them. they will get into troble. And they will not mess with you again because they will not want to get in troble. Trust me. By Bug.

I’m feeling a little bit better now. I went shopping for Bug and I picked up her Christmas portraits. They are cuter than cute.

I helped her get dressed for church tonight…it is “wacky tacky” day. She was all flustered because she is used to “looking so fashionable” but she ended up looking cute anyway. And she made me put her hair in a side ponytail, you know, like Claudia.

She is wearing jeans, one pink converse, one flame converse, a lime green t-shirt that says, “Don’t Bug Me,” a pink scarf tied around her waist, and one of Geo’s button down shirts, tied up in the middle. So cute.

She said that if I showed my blog, then she would be “mad forever” because “her fans don’t need to see her looking stupid.”

Hahahahaha.

I heard from Cammie today. My fingerprints are back (I’m not a criminal by the way) and my paperwork is ok. She said she’ll be finishing up my homestudy addition sometime next week and then I can sign my new contracts.

So, after finals are over..one thing I want to do is turn my old blog into a central location for my giant blog list, adoption resources, maybe some personal stories, reading recommendations etc. I get a lot of emails from people saying that they want to know more about foster care or adoption and don’t know where to start.

Right now I read, yes READ, over 250 blogs. Not all of them are adoption/foster care related, obviously, but a good deal are.

But I want to open this up. If you have a blog dealing with any form of adoption (you are a first mom, you are in the adoption process, you are an adoptee, you have adopted children, etc) or you are a foster parent can you please comment and let me know? Also, if you don’t have a blog, or even if you do, can you tell me some of your favorite blogs related to adoption? Especially ones that are lesser known?

And if you just have a blog, and happen to be kind enough to read this blog, can you let me know that too? I want to know about you as well.

Ok, off to write more about gender privilege.

So yesterday started off like any other day really.

I woke up from this dream I had about Grey’s Anatomy and I felt quite proud of myself. I’m not sure why. The dream had something to do with McDreamy being upset because Meredith was distant, and he thought it was his fault because he wasn’t being romantic enough. So he was doing all these things for her and she was getting more distant and then turns out that she had slept with Sloan and that was really the reason. But I’m not sure where I fit into this. Whether I was Meredith, or I knew all this, or I wrote the episode, or I worked at Seattle Grace or what.

But I woke up feeling quite proud of myself.

Then I asked Bug if she was wearing a bra and she said yes and I said which one and she said her tan one. But I could tell she was lying. I don’t know how, I think I have acquired that top secret Mom sense. So I told her to come here and I pulled down the side of her shirt. No straps.

So she told me that she was wearing it with the straps hanging down. Hahaha. Nice try.

Well, then the day just turned to crap after that really. A lot of people have talked about the shipping for the sperm being really high, but I don’t think it is unreasonable. The package weighs over 25 lbs, as obviously the vials need to be protected and temperature controlled. They ship you the dewar here and then also to ship it back. So we’re talking two way shipping, on a large package, that has to move very quickly by DHL.

So it’s going to be expensive. I don’t know why I didn’t realize that.

And then some other crappy things happened which I won’t go into here as it would just be more of me whining.

But all in all, I couldn’t get past the idea of this plan I had just going all to hell. At less than $200 a vial, I could justify shooting it up there without knowing whether I was ovulating off of my good side or the bad side. But once we started talking $350 or $500..I just can’t.

I would feel totally different if I had two sides that worked. But I don’t. I could theoretically get an ultrasound to see which side I was ovulating on, but that would do me no good as the sperm has to be ordered two weeks prior to the ovulation. I could get one done this month and then assume that the other side will go next month, but that isn’t certain either.

This is different from IVF or even IUI because those things are able to be planned more precisely. This is just me guessing. And I pick the wrong side, I just throw the money away.

Then I got to thinking about what I really want. What do I want?

I want Bug to be taken care of. I want to be able to comfortably provide for her. I want to have a nice house that we can all live comfortably in and be happy.

I want to add children to the family that are close to Bug’s age.

I want to raise a child from birth.

When I really thought about it, I don’t necessarily want to be pregnant. And I really could care less about the biological connections. I want a baby.

So now what? What are my options?

1. Go ahead with the sperm donation.

2. Take the money I would have used for sperm donation and use it to get a bigger house (I’m planning on getting a bigger house anyway, but this would help) that would be more conducive to fostering.

3. Start saving money for another form of adoption (perhaps international).

4. Work out something with Geo regarding sperm.

Right now, I don’t feel comfortable going ahead with the sperm donation. I’m not sure if that will change once I let a few days go by. But I just can’t justify throwing 500 dollars up my cha each month when that 500 could do so much good in other ways.

Geo and I have actually talked about the sperm donation thing several times. He has a friend who was the known donor for a lesbian couple. He had kind of a bad experience as the couple promised that he would be able to have a relationship with the child, but then changed their minds. (This is all coming third party so I don’t know any of this for sure) Anyway, Geo is concerned that he wouldn’t want to just be a “donor” so to speak, he would want to be involved. But that idea scares him. I’m not sure whether I want a co-parent, although I think Geo is an excellent co-parent to Bug. More so every day. So obviously we would have a ton of talking to do, legal papers to draw up, etc. But it is not a definite no, but it’s nowhere close to even being a maybe.

The house thing..I’m excited about that. This house is way too small. For a little bit more money, I could rent a nice place with four bedrooms and a garage in a nice neighborhood. I’ve been talking about moving already, for instance, if I was chosen for that sibling group I’m interested in, I would have to.

I guess there are no clear cut answers. Obviously I could be called for a foster child next week that ended up staying. Maybe the sperm thing would work out with Geo. Maybe I would decide to go to Guatemala or something.

I don’t know. All I know is that I was ready to start trying this month, I mean, I had my check card in my hand. And then it got smacked out.

And it hurts.

Oh, and then I got my period. Because of course I needed something to cap off my day.

And did I mention this was the day that Geo and I were going to get married?

Yeah.

This concludes this whine session.

Since Bug was feeling kind of crummy from the flu shot, I let her stay home even though there was no snow.

Bug’s running commentary through “Adoption Story” on the Discovery Channel.

Announcer: The couple longed for a child

Bug: Like me!

Announcer: After trying for almost year, they turned to medical help.

Bug: Ohhh..

Announcer: They discovered that Bob’s sperm was abnormal.

Bug: Well, why didn’t they just buy donated sperm?

Announcer: So the couple turned to artificial insemination. When that didn’t work, they tried in-vitro fertilization. During in-vitro fertilization…

Bug: This isn’t going to work. Otherwise they wouldn’t call it adoption story.

Announcer: When the test came back negative, Mary made a decision.

Bug: I told you.

Announcer: The couple decided to pursue an open adoption. An open adoption is when..

Bug: DUH. We already know.

Adoption lawyer: We can’t be mad at a woman for deciding to parent a child. That is her right.

Bug: Yeah! She just wanted to keep her baby! That is OK. If she is a good mommy anyway.

Announcer: So the couple turned to international adoption.

Bug: International means a different country.

Me: Yes.

Dad: All we really knew about her was that she had been abandoned.

Bug: Was I an international adoption?

Me: Huh? No silly. What country do you come from?

Bug: I mean, did my social worker find babies in other countries?

Me: No, she just did foster care.

Bug: How come those people didn’t just adopt in the first place instead of messing with the sperm?

Me: Well, a lot of people think it is important to have a biological connection to their child.

Bug: Me and you are not biology.

Me: No, we aren’t.

Bug: My birthmom is biology with me.

Me: Yes.

Bug: Just because you aren’t biology doesn’t mean you can’t be a family.

Me: That is true. Adoption can also be expensive so some people don’t like that.

Bug: Is the sperm and the egg in the jar expensive?

Me: Yes. But sometimes women want to be able to experience being pregnant.

Bug: I don’t! Because babies look gross when they come out and they come out of your privates anyway and that is SO GROSS.

Bug: Look, they are getting babies from another country too.

Me: That is Korea.

Bob: We will get information about their birth families, but that is not something you share with other people before you share it with your kids. That will be their information when they are older.

Bug: I get some information now and some when I am older too!

Me: Yes.

Bug: How come I didn’t get to be on this Adoption Story show?

Me: I don’t know.

Bug: If people saw me, they would want to adopt. I am precious.

Me: That is true.

Bug: This show is kind of dumb. I could have wrote it. I know all about sperm and biology and adoption anyway. They should pay me to make this show. I would call it “Bug’s Adoption Show” and it would mostly be about me, but sometimes we would show people from other adoptions and maybe some stuff about Hannah Montana and Gone with the Wind. But it would mostly be about me. That’s all people are interested in anyway.

Me: You are probably right.

Technorati Tags: adoption, Adoption Story, Discovery Channel