Blame
The thing is, I’m not placing all the blame on myself.
I am saying that I did things, A LOT of things, wrong. And the biggest one was not being clear in what I wanted or needed. I expected him to read my mind, and then became furious when he didn’t do exactly what I wanted or needed. But I never told him what I wanted or needed, and then I held a grudge that he wasn’t a mind reader.
Should he have been able to figure some of the stuff out on his own? Maybe, but he also offered things in a different way than what I was thinking. If he didn’t buy groceries, but instead paid for my car repairs, wasn’t that the same thing?
As my therapist said, “It is not about blaming yourself, it is finding opportunities to better yourself.”
And that is what I am doing.
August 7th, 2008 at 10:51 am
thanks for clearing that up for me. I’m glad to know that you are taking good care of YOU. You deserve it.
August 7th, 2008 at 11:43 am
It’s such a 50/50 thing. No, he shouldn’t have to be a mind reader, but no, you shouldn’t have to articulate every single one of your needs. I think your therapist is right on the money. Find what you need to take/learn from this relationship and move on.
I’m convinced that your perfect match is out there, and this is all just part of the road you need to travel to find him.
Don’t give up.
August 7th, 2008 at 2:39 pm
Makes sense. How’s the house?
August 7th, 2008 at 3:50 pm
Well said.
August 7th, 2008 at 7:26 pm
I am guilty of the mind reading thing too and all it has done for me is make me angry and sad. I am also learning to ask for what I want and expecting it. Good for you!
August 7th, 2008 at 9:31 pm
Girl, every woman expects her man to read her mind. I’m the exact same way with baby daddy… it’s just how things are. So what you did is nothing worse then what any other woman has done.
August 8th, 2008 at 2:21 am
I like what your therapist said. Me, I’m just starting to find a way to deal with conflict other than either beating myself up or being furious at the other person for not doing what I want. Or both. It’s an interesting and empowering way to look at things, to say “well, this happened, and I guess both the other person and I had our reasons for acting the way we did, but it didn’t work out so well, so since I can’t change the other person [no matter how irritating/obnoxious I might find their behavior] what could I do differently next time it comes up to change what happens or at least change how I feel about it?”
Also I don’t think I ever commented to say how bad I felt for you about what happened with Geo. So I’m saying it now: that really sucked, and I’m sorry it happened that way.
August 8th, 2008 at 5:20 am
As you know, I believe “things” happen for a reason. In this case, you have opened the door to see what each of you did in the past and how to correct what went wrong. If one doesn’t know there are problems, they can’t “fix” those problems. If the communication is not there on finances, chores, kids, etc. then it is not know what is expected.
From a person who married a man who had lived on his own for ten years, we had our problems on how to do certain things and how to communicate our concerns. Independent people get set in their ways about how they want things done. OCD people are even worse! Its a scary thing for a person to “give up” their way of life after many years of HOH alone.
If a relationship is going to work, neither party should feel guilty all the time. Its a two way street. Find what works, decide on who does what, what is expected, what is desired and what works best for communication.
I know for me, the best way to open a conversation, is to send an email briefly discussing the topic. My hubby needs time to let things sink in before he is ready to discuss. This took me a while to discover, but it works great now.
Remember, you don’t live the “normal” life and you need to find what is your “normal” relationship.
August 11th, 2008 at 11:09 am
I’m with you on that. We all mess up, constantly. There is no perfection on this earth.
I guess the nice thing about finding “the one” LOL is that you know in your heart, and he knows in his, that no matter how much you/he screws up, you’re still in it together forever. Cheesy, but true.
And a bazillion years later, with half a dozen kids, dogs, and 3 tons of junk, you still feel that way, only stronger.
You’ll find the one.
(And don’t feel bad about the presents issue, I’m notorious for buying stuff and then getting iritated when hubby shows a decided lack of interest in seeing the gifts, much less signing his name to him. He never mentioned that he’d like to be a part of the shopping and planning, I just finally figured it out. That’s the male & female brains for you- totally different in function!)