Judging
I’ve been recently thinking about shutting down my blog.
Why?
Because I haven’t been writing about what I really want to write about for fear of being judged.
Isn’t that stupid? Fear of being judged on my own blog.
But that is what people do, isn’t it? We are a bunch of judgemental people. Oh wait, see, that was judgemental.
Let me start again. I didn’t want you to judge me. But in realizing that, I realized that I was a really judgemental person.
I also assume too much and I think people should read my mind.
I do.
I get upset when people make a comment on this blog that shows they didn’t get what I was trying to say. I judge them for judging me and then I judge myself for not being a good enough writer so that my point was easy to understand.
I judge Geo all the time. I judged him for not paying for Christmas presents. In fact, I called him out in front of all of you for not paying for Christmas presents in a post about how he did a lot of asshole things.
But did I ever ask him to pay for the presents? Or did I get up at 4 am and take Callie shopping and buy most of the Christmas presents myself without ever asking what he thought we should buy? Did I make it clear that I wanted Christmas..my first Christmas with all four kids..to be the way I wanted it? I never told him what I wanted and then I spent the next seven months sulking because he didn’t do what I wanted, even though he had no fucking clue that is what I wanted.
Instead of communicating my wishes and desires and hopes, I sat around like a fucking martyr. Bitching and complaining at every opportunity, instead of making it clear what I would like. I never gave him a chance to do what I asked, because I never made it clear. And if he did try to do something, I usually would step in and say that he wasn’t doing it right, because after all, if the towels weren’t folded the way I wanted them, then it was pointless and he was useless.
How many times a day did I do that? To anyone? How many times a day do we judge people for not doing what we think they should do or what we would do?
Geo isn’t perfect and neither am I. But I never should have judged him the way I did, and I shouldn’t have opened him up to judging here, especially since I was demanding he figure out exactly what I want and do it in the way I wanted without ever telling him what that was.
And I’m not going to shut down the blog, and I’m going to write about things that I know will cause me to be judged.
But in the meantime, I’m going to try to stop being so damn judgemental. Because really, all that it is is an attempt to make myself look better than someone else, and who the hell cares? I am who I am, take it or leave it.
August 6th, 2008 at 1:59 pm
Your blog, your rules.
I read because I like what you have to say about life. And life is hard sometimes, and we deal with it well sometimes and badly sometimes.
I think you will find more support here than you are expecting, but if someone is being rude to you in your own space, delete them!
August 6th, 2008 at 2:08 pm
Baggage- this is a great post- there- I judged it-
truth is - in life- we all sit on both sides of the table all the time- we have to remember that we are all human- and like you said at the end- geo isn’t perfect- and neither are you- and neither am i- but please dont’ stop sharing your feelings here- it is real- and raw and that is helpful to you and us. 
August 6th, 2008 at 2:09 pm
Baggage- this is a great post- there- I judged it-
truth is - in life- we all sit on both sides of the table all the time- we have to remember that we are all human- and like you said at the end- geo isn’t perfect- and neither are you- and neither am i- but please dont’ stop sharing your feelings here- it is real- and raw and that is helpful to you and us. 
we all learn
August 6th, 2008 at 2:10 pm
Baggage- this is a great post- there- I judged it-
truth is - in life- we all sit on both sides of the table all the time- we have to remember that we are all human- and like you said at the end- geo isn’t perfect- and neither are you- and neither am i- but please dont’ stop sharing your feelings here- it is real- and raw and that is helpful to you and us. 
we all learn and grow!
August 6th, 2008 at 2:20 pm
Life is one big learning curve. Geo, the blog, the judging… every last bit of it.
It kind of sucks in so many ways, and then, all of a sudden, it doesn’t. We navigate it the best we can…
(and the Geo stuff? I’ve been there. All of it… including the guilt about being judgmental. My Ex and I laugh about all of our judgy-preachy-ness now 7 years later.)(Although I still do it on occasion… see my comment on Xmas present post)
August 6th, 2008 at 2:25 pm
I appreciate your move toward less judgemental-ness. It made me ponder the ways in which I quietly judge others. And there is one shining example in my life that I am going to fix today…
I appreciate your attempt at honesty in this blog. There is nothing harder than admitting that we are all fallible and completely imperfect.
Best to you.
August 6th, 2008 at 2:27 pm
You are a very smart lady! Don’t ever be afraid to post what you think or feel.
August 6th, 2008 at 2:35 pm
Oh man, you scared me!! I have a huge problem with judging people–oddly enough, not so much in the blogosphere, but in real life. Your post here makes a lot of good points, and I’m so glad that you’ve decided to stick around. It will be a very sad day for me if you ever do decide to leave!
August 6th, 2008 at 2:40 pm
Post! Tell us what you really feel!
And if we don’t get what you meant about it, we also don’t have the full story. Nobody ever does. Heck, Dave doesn’t, because he isn’t a mindreader either!
It’s so hard not to take comments personally. I keep anything people could judge locked down for just such a reason. (Also because I am a wuss.)
I’m really curious, though. I want to know what you think folks will be judgmental about. Will I judge?? I know I totally make judgments about people IRL. I catch myself doing it and give myself a mental smack, but I do it. I just try not to act on the things I am thinking and knowing are wrong.
Also, how is everybody? How’s the whole panties on her butt thing going for Snowbaby? (I cannot believe I just typed that. Hee.)
August 6th, 2008 at 4:17 pm
Wow. So much of what you said could be applied to my life. I really hope you do keep on blogging, and about whetever the heck you want to.
August 6th, 2008 at 5:14 pm
Take it or leave it? Well I guess we’ll take it and feel grateful for it.
Simple judging is necessary. We have to gauge our decisions against those of other people. Every choice we make excludes and in a way judges all those options we didn’t choose.
But evaluating my choice as superior above all others is the trap.
I noticed long ago that it’s impossible to do anything “just right” as a mother. You are either a too strict mother or too laissez faire. You are either overprotective or neglect your kids.
In the eyes of other mothers, you are never good enough because they often see themselves as the ideal point Zero. Any deviation to either direction must be wrong. We also judge each other as partners, the way we look, everything.
This is horrible and one of the ugliest thing humans can do to each other.
I feel that reading blogs and blogging is a good way of expanding horizons. When I read the blog of a person whom I really respect and get insight to her/his opinions and decisions, I get much more background knowledge than IRL where I tend to mix with folks whose decisions are similar to mine.
I learned so much over the years by reading blogs of people very very different from myself. I learned to see the fabric of lives so different from mine, and I’m thankful for it.
I feel privileged to have this little window into your world and to accompany you over a number of years now. I knew nothing about foster care in the US, nothing. I still know very little but what I know from you is reliable first hand authentic material. You opened up a whole world of experiences, a life choice I never even knew existed.
Please, understand that you are a part of this process of enlightening others. You light little candles of insight, of empathy, of human understanding, of anti-judgment. Not that I judged foster parents, I simply didn’t know about them.
You are a good writer. Your story and the story of your children is worth telling and worth reading.
Besides, I very much want to be able to see you radiant, happy and healthy.
So DO NOT stop blogging. Please.
Sorry for the horrible rant but somehow the things connected in my overtired brain. In this part of the world, it’s after midnight…
August 6th, 2008 at 5:40 pm
Glad to see your spunk back a bit. You are right, we all judge. But I personally don’t condemn. I just have an opinion one way or another. My opinion is ever-changing and fickle, as I am a woman who is affected by others. Like you. You’ve enlightened me many times over, and I appreciate that. BTW, Sorry if I personally ever caused you to feel judged in a rash comment, as that was never the intention. And if one day you decided you no longer need this blog, that will be okay too, but in the meantime, I’m happy to enjoy the stories you present here for us.
August 6th, 2008 at 5:57 pm
you scared me half to death. Your blog is definitely one of my “must-read, desert island” blogs. So PLEASE don’t do that to us, okay?
I went through a therapy called Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), and in that they talk a lot about being non-judgmental. It’s not an easy process! But the best thing about it is that they say when you catch yourself judging, “don’t judge your judging” . . . which, as you can imagine, is a difficult one!!!
August 6th, 2008 at 8:25 pm
I many not comment or my comments may be short but I love reading here and rooting for you guys. There really should be more people like you in the world.
I do that too. I demand that my DH read my mind and do what I want when I want it how I want it and NOW. That’s not realistic.
Also, a blog is a simple window into your life. You open it when and how you like, but you still have a lot of control over what we see in and it is never really the whole picture, just a small square. Maybe even dressed up a bit with stained glass or lacy curtains (like mine!). Still it is not the whole picture. We readers know this.
August 6th, 2008 at 9:51 pm
Well, I’m not judging, and I hope none of my comments come across that way.
I also hope that at this time of huge transitions in your life that you will not make any big decisions like shutting down your blog. Give yourself a break if you need to, but don’t rush to do anything permanent.
As for Geo—even if you weren’t explicit, I think that it is implied that if you are in a house a lot and acting as defacto Dad, then you buy presents, and you buy groceries on a regular basis, and you do these things. You were engaged then…I give presents, even small ones to every single person i might see around Xmas time, nevermind any kids who might call me momma. Heck, my husband may not do the shopping, (although he has in the past) but he always asks about what is happening around them, and we discuss what to buy. Trust me here, you are being very very hard on yourself.
You didn’t make this happen. It takes two. He needs to take his share of responsibility.
August 6th, 2008 at 9:52 pm
P.S. is your feed turned off?
August 6th, 2008 at 9:52 pm
I actually think that judging is important. It’s how we sort out what our values are and what goals we want to set for ourselves. I think the trick is to judge the choices made rather than the people who make them, and to judge them in shades of grey rather than black and white.
August 7th, 2008 at 12:59 am
I think this is something that a lot of bloggers struggle with, including myself. Most of the blogs I read are written by people that I’ve never met in real life and have no other contact with, so the only information I have about them is the information they choose to share on their blogs. It can be hard to tell how someone wants to be interpreted by what they write sometimes. I think that if you want to stop writing then do it, but I also know that I really benefit from reading what you choose to share and I selfishly hope you continue to write.
August 7th, 2008 at 7:11 am
I’m going to judge you for all that swearing.. so there!:). I’m completely joking.
Thanks for being honest and self-disclosing (MAPP). Now that you know one of your needs you can work on making it a strength! Seriously, judgment calls are made every single day by all of us, it’s how we survive, but there does come a point where it hinders us. I always tell my kids “Be careful to not let your greatest asset become your greatest liability”.
Keep on being a good mom and learning more about yourself. And thanks for opening us up to the possibility that we TOO are probably judging people too much and too often.
August 7th, 2008 at 7:18 am
Here’s my assvice: You sound like I did with my first husband. I tried to take the blame every time he was an asshole. Now, after 10 years, I’m much more willing to admit that we were both rotten and it was just a bad relationship.
My point is that you don’t need to take on the burden of being responsible for all his caddishness. Take responsibility for the real ways in which you behaved badly but don’t take on more sackcloth and ashes than you deserve. Learn from the relationship and move on. Take some time to really clarify what you want in a partner and keep your eyes open for it. Hugs to you.
August 7th, 2008 at 8:05 am
This is the post I’ve been waiting for. Way to grow, girlfriend!
August 7th, 2008 at 9:19 am
Baggage,
I don’t want to insert my feelings too much, but you almost sound like you are trying to take the “blame” for Geo. Please don’t do that to yourself.
And if you ever close this blog, where am I to win Recycled Toothbrushes?!
In all honesty, you really have a great blog, a fabulous outlet for YOU, and really heartfelt reading for US.
Thanks for being so HONEST…..I hope you and the kids are enjoying the new house, is it still exciting??
August 7th, 2008 at 10:21 am
You know what? My brother went through a nasty, ugly divorce last year. When his wife of 18 years first left him he was so shocked and depressed and he blamed everything on himself. Then he angry when he found out she was living with another man, had stolen nearly $10K from their joint account, and had cheated on him multiple times. When he was angry, it was all her fault. Then as the divorce came closer, he blamed himself again and stated all the ways that if he had only done X, then she wouldn’t have done Y. She’s really not that awful.
He was like a pendulum swinging from side to side. It was unhealthy. It was unrealistic. And it didn’t do him or his wife a lick of good.
I’m not judging you. Not one bit. I don’t know the whole story of what happened with you and Geo. But my guess is that you both did some things wrong. He screwed up — and his actions were his own. He didn’t do things wrong because you did X or Y. If he did something wrong, let him own it. And (sorry, hun) but I’m sure you did some things wrong, too. It’s important to be honest about that and to learn from it, but that’s as far as it goes.
I can hear a little bit of self-blame here for Geo’s actions or lack of actions. Stop it. What he did is his own. Recognize the role you played in the break up, learn from it, but let Geo worry about Geo and don’t give another damn thought to his actions. That’s just wasted energy. And you’re better than that.
August 7th, 2008 at 12:10 pm
You shouldn’t shut down your blog. Period. I don’t think most people here are judging you. Notice I said most because there are those who don’t “get it”. These are your thoughts, your memories. As with most people, you are probably your worst judge. Not unusual. You are a great parent, you are a wonderful person. What happened was not your fault. Even though it is difficult to move past the hurt, you are doing it. You are doing a wonderful job.
August 7th, 2008 at 1:52 pm
You know, people are going to judge you no matter what you post. You may as well post what makes you feel good.
Yeah, it’s an adaptation of, “You’re going to get teased no matter what. Be teased for who you actually are.” Be humiliated for who you actually are. Be blamed for who you actually are.
Because the teasing, the humiliation, the blame, all come anyway.