Permanancy
Carlton said:
Permanency can’t be bought or sold or even legislated. You have it already. Especially with a person as old as Callie don’t worry about the ministrations of beauracracy. Get on with the business of life together. I already have a couple of daughters that are a little older. I never bothered to adopt…we don’t need it.
We don’t. Callie’s position in this home is not guaranteed. The court could decide to start reunification efforts with her mother again. They could move her to a different home.
Even if they didn’t, everything in Callie’s life is ruled by DFS. She can’t get on with the business of life together, because we have to ask permission for everything. I can’t take her shopping in the state that is about an hour from here without obtaining permission. I can’t get her ears pierced. I can’t let her get a tattoo. Her sex life and birth control is discussed in a team setting, with lawyers and juvenile officers weighing in. She can’t get the HPV vaccine without obtaining permission. She can’t spend the night at her friend’s house without first providing the team with the birthdate and full name of each adult that lives in the house and then wait for the team to approve it. She can’t ride home from the movies with her boyfriend’s mother without getting permission. Her picture can’t appear in the newspaper. She can’t get her haircut without the team’s permission.
While Callie and I know that we have a permanent bond with each other, we also know the reality of the situation which is that someone could tell us that she is moving from this home tomorrow and there is really nothing either of us could do.
Permanancy means a lot to both Callie and me. It means we go on with the business of being mother and daughter without a team of individuals interfering.
August 2nd, 2008 at 10:28 pm
While I understand that she technically “belongs” to the state or what ever…. why do they bother putting foster parents through all their work if they can’t even make a simple decision regarding the child getting a hair cut or spending the night with a friend. That poor girl is living under a microscope. I feel for you two.
August 3rd, 2008 at 10:04 am
I can understand, even agree with, all the regulations in place. I hope that the state does what’s best for Callie, which at this point means acknowledging that she’s fairly permanent and that the regulations hinder, not help, her.
August 3rd, 2008 at 11:38 am
I totally understand. Poor Callie. It’s hard to try to be a “normal” teen with a team of people who can change your life dramatically in a matter of a phone call. I’ll be thinking of you both.
August 3rd, 2008 at 11:47 am
Arrrrrggggghhh. Poor Callie. As an adopted child I understand the need for legal-in writing-unarguable permanancy. As the teacher of many foster kids I see how the lack of permanancy leads to insecurities that affect every aspect of life. I’m sorry Callie.
August 3rd, 2008 at 12:47 pm
Oh man, that’s so rough. Being a teenager is hard enough without all of the extra burdens Callie is dealing with. I hope that you guys get permanency soon for everyone’s benefit.
August 3rd, 2008 at 1:02 pm
It seems like such an indignity to have to get permission for something as simple as a haircut. What is the purpose behind that little gem of a regulation?
Meanwhile, I wanted you to know that I’ve been thinking of you over the past few weeks. As a longtime reader, I’ve followed your story since before Bug came home, and it’s been great to read about the evolution of your family and how far everyone’s come. I hope you’re hanging in as best you can.
August 3rd, 2008 at 4:09 pm
I assume that regulations cary from state to state, and from province to province?
Only because I know some other foster parents and they don’t have to go through that kind of scrutiny, like to the level of haircuts.
And after 16, they have no say in birth control of sex lives or things like the hpv vaccine.
I’m sorry you have to go through that in your state. It really sucks.
August 4th, 2008 at 9:28 am
I’ve always considered all that beauracratic crap that you have to go through when you have a foster child to be on the level of a pesky gnat and a by product of what the BIOS have done, yet the wonderful way in which the children have come to us. “Why bemoan what you can’t have” has always been my philosophy. It’s all about outlook (and framing). My kids take their cue from me. I follow the rules to the letter and explain to them that I delight in the freedom those stupid rules give me to worry about the important stuff in our relationship. I try to see the input from the outside as HELP (though sometimes it most assuredly ISN’T) and implore my kids to also. I have kids over to MY place and try to get my kids to see the wisdom in explaining to their friends (after an appropriate amount of time) why they can’t spend the night away. If they get rejected as a result-then they never really had a friend in the first place, now did they? I know teens are all a little insecure ANYway, but we had our crosses to bear at that age too (alcoholism, molestation, and ill furnished homes among them) and it’s all relative. This is all a part of independent living-teaching your kids interpersonal relations and having them learn from some mistakes they are sure to make just as WE all have. And speaking of IL, if she stays in care until age 18, she is eligible for ALL types of financial help (to include lifetime status as a ward of state for PELL and other federal monies for college) AND she gets to choose YOU as mom. Believe me, she already knows you have chosen HER. The few months to age 18 are NOTHING comparatively.
Baggage I say none of this as criticism of you. You’re the bomb…and a first rate mom.
August 4th, 2008 at 10:52 am
http://www.jimcaseyyouth.org/docs/reason_season_lifetime.pdf I like to give this link to my teenagers to read. I LOVE the youth comments in italics-especicially the ones pages 43-48 on permanence.