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Mrs Butter B says:
THis does seem somewhat out of character for Geo, which makes me feel sorry for all of ya’ll, him included. There has to be a reason he did this, because he doesn’t seem to read as a jerk.
Yeah, except that is how I painted him, when I think I knew better. Sure, he bought me groceries a few times when I was out of money, but what about the years and years of eating every meal at my house? And why did he get all the benefits of being Daddy to those kids without doing anything for them? He never bought them toys or clothes or anything like that. Why did I put his name on presents for the kids when he did not spend one penny on their Christmas presents? Why did he spend most holidays away from us? Why did he hide things from me? Why did he make discouraging comments about my weight? Why did he not show up the night that I lost Elle?
I don’t know. All I know is that I covered for him a thousand times, embarassed that the man I loved would treat me so poorly. All I know is that now my friends are saying things to me like, “Well, I don’t want to say anything bad about him..but the time he….”
I’ve come to accept that we just have fundamentally different ideas of what we want for our lives. I want this house, and these kids and a life of domestic bliss. He wants to race cars and build motorcycles and watch baseball when he gets off from work in silence. He loved me and the kids and that is why he stuck around as long as he did, but he never wanted it. He never embraced our life, the life that I have with the kids.
July 26th, 2008 at 2:39 pm
I once made the point about my own marriage that it not just about whether we are in love, it’s that we have to share the same values, the same ideas about life and about what we each want. If we don’t, that’s where the problems start.
I think that going forward, if you date again, you need to look for the whole package. Cause you do deserve it, you know.
And seriously, you could have told us these things about Geo and we would not have minded at all. We might have asked some uncomfortable questions, but we would have been here for you.
That said, if he really wasn’t into it, better you didn’t get married at all as opposed to getting married, then divorced later.
July 26th, 2008 at 3:00 pm
No matter what, it’s better to break up an engagement than to put your kids through a divorce. And it’s better for them to have a mom on her own than a father-subsitute who’s not really, deeply there for them.
the Christmas thing makes me so mad on your account, and on the kids’ account, that I could just spit.
some things in the world are all-or-nothing — when you get married, dear one, don’t settle. he doesn’t have to be rich or fabulously handsome, but he has to be absolutely wild about you and the kids — because you deserve no less.
July 26th, 2008 at 3:41 pm
I have been a lurker for a long time. I admire you greatly for what you do for your children. I just wanted to tell you I am so sorry. You seem to be handling this very well — I know, I can’t see you, so I am sure it is different in person, but the way you are now able to say what you have felt for a long time is remarkable. The last thing you needed him to be is a child — and that is how he looks right now — like a child.
Again, I am so very sorry. You didn’t deserve this — there is someone out there who will treat you and your kids the way you all deserve to be treated.
Courtney
July 26th, 2008 at 6:41 pm
you have to look at this as blessing. Not that he didnt love you enough. He did love you enough to let you go when he knew this wasnt the life for him. No it’s not fair what he did. Nothing ever is in life.
I was in love with someone for a very long time with someone that loved me, but didnt want to commit to me. I hate him for not letting me go. For stringing me along and giving me little bits of hope that it would work out. He never paid for anything, never took me any where, never bought me anything. I had a million and one excuses for him to everyone. At some point though, you have to just say to yourself that your the #1 thing in your life and to take care of yourself.
It will get better. And don’t punish yourself. Accept it for what it was…and move on. It’s the only thing you can do.
July 26th, 2008 at 6:44 pm
Oh, God, have I been there.
I have SO been there.
You and I, we should be friends.
Seriously.
Here’s the up side.
I found something better.
You can, too.
Also, an aside: You know, sometimes I would read your entries and then would be ashamed of myself for what I thought I might be reading between the lines. I figured it was my own jaded experiences clouding your wonderful writing. Huh.
July 26th, 2008 at 6:49 pm
As someone who has been reading your blog for a looong, looong time- I would never say what happened was out of character for Geo- in fact, I swear he’s done something like this before. I think you, though, do what a lot of people do on their own blogs and show only one side of the story- this time, you chose the positive side. Me- I’m more of a ‘glass half empty’ person so I would have shown the other side of things. A lot of bloggers aren’t as balanced in their portrayals of their lives as we’d like to expect- and it’s kinda silly to expect it anyways!
And why should you HAVE to post everything? Really- we all have negatives and positives about our relationships.
Post what you are comfortable posting- no more, no less.
July 26th, 2008 at 7:09 pm
He regularly ate meals at your house and never bought the groceries, or rather only did so a few times when you were completely out of money? Uh …. ok. And the other stuff, like making comments about your weight ….. *hisses silently*. I don’t want to talk badly about him either, I know he was important to you and probably still is in some ways. But, as you said, you need someone that wants the same thing in his life as you do. That person will turn up. I’m very sure of it.
July 26th, 2008 at 8:11 pm
I remember the last time you two broke up - I’m so sorry you are going through this now, but it does sound like he’s managed to be a jerk many times, and seriously missed many, many chances you gave him to step up to the plate.
I’m so sorry, baggage. Courage and best wishes as you sort out your life and keep on with the amazing life you have now.
July 26th, 2008 at 8:44 pm
I agree with Trish… I don’t think this is out of character… I guess I had just hoped that he’d grown out of it and grown up and realised what he wanted was life with you and the kids. But dang, he IS a real “artsyguy” isn’t he. I didn’t know he didn’t spend a penny on Christmas. I don’t think I could marry someone like that. But I think like you, I like to feed people, and do their laundry, and help out, and put their name together with mine on presents I buy, and it is just depressing to feel one is being taken advantage of, rather than that we have different ways of giving which is often what I explain to myself. Wrongly. I hate to say, but hearing you today, I am glad the wedding is off. I would hate to think of you for the rest of your life buying presents in his name, making his dinner, and having to appreciate the rare occasion he tears himself away from the vehicles of his life. You deserve better. Hugs.
July 26th, 2008 at 9:17 pm
Baggage, I’m sorry he never grew up and picked up the slack. You deserver better.
July 26th, 2008 at 9:43 pm
I completely understand what it feels like to cover for someone. To always try to make it so they don’t look bad. AND… I also remember what it felt like to have the bottom fall out of that world and have to explain to people that he wasn’t what I had made him out to be.
Take care of yourself!! {{Hugs}}
July 26th, 2008 at 10:17 pm
I am curious about how the kids are doing with this–especially Bug and Callie. Are they doing ok?
Hang in there and take good care of yourself.
July 26th, 2008 at 11:01 pm
Yeah. We all do that to some point, cover for our spouses and loved ones, painting the picture to read in their favor. Because we love them. But I’ve decided, for me, my man has to step up to the plate daily, and I may “help” him out occasionally. Otherwise, it gets twisted and he comes off as a hero instead of a ……man who had a difficult childhood and bad examples of how to love. One can only forgive so much, and I’m glad to think you have a clean slate to find somebody that doesn’t need so much of your …polishing. Find one that shines all on his own, and that will inspire you for the rest of your years. I wish that for you Baggage.
July 27th, 2008 at 3:05 am
Oh, Baggage! I just got home from a monthlong trip, and I have to tell you that I am so sorry you’re going through this. I have been there, done that, and burned the t-shirt. Once upon a time, I had a Geo. It went on and off for almost 6 years, and finally I told him that he was either in — All In — with me, or I was out. He said he didn’t want the All In, I left, and less than a week later I met my husband.
Better is out there, my darling Baggage. Someone who won’t run off to Europe with his buddies instead of you, who will buy the groceries, who won’t call off an engagement twice, and will tell you you’re smokin hot even if you weighed 300 pounds. I am so sorry for your pain, sweetheart.
July 27th, 2008 at 11:40 am
As a long, long time reader too, I have to say I had wondered if Geo had changed. But obviously he hasn’t, I was hoping for your sake and your kids he had. This isn’t a bit out of character for him. You loved him enough to see the good in him. You measure other people with your own yardstick of yourself. You would never do what he did, so you couldn’t imagine he would. It says a lot about you with your sense of loyalty and honesty. You just wouldn’t do it. One of the reasons I admire you. Hang tough sister.
July 27th, 2008 at 1:43 pm
To me….not showing up the night Elle left is unforgivable. How could he NOT know your heart was broken? Your blog readers knew. I think many of us cover for our SO’s and in doing so we settle. We are all worth way more than that!
July 27th, 2008 at 7:10 pm
I can imagine how you feel. I do not have kids, but I have recently been through a breakup, too. Of a wonderful man who loved me, BUT, and this is a big BUT, did not want a family. And though he was wonderful, he was selfish too. And very very immature. I never hid him what I wanted from a relationship in the future: I wanted a family. So, after 4 years being boyfriend/girlfriend and after around 6 years of being each other’s best friends, we are simply not contacting each other. No email, no phone calls, nothing.
If you need to talk or vent, email me.
July 27th, 2008 at 8:34 pm
I have been there and done that. I bought my own Xmas presents and put his name on them so no one would know, along with the ones for his child. I made all the effort to make us a family and covered his ass so many times it kills me. My friends and family don’t even know to what extent I did that.
Good news is, I did find someone better… he loves me with all my flaws, buys the presents and wraps them, makes sure groceries are bought and supper is on the table… and most of all, he’s there for me whenever I need him.
Yours is out there too… sometimes you just have to stop looking and be yourself for awhile. It took me 5 years, and I wasn’t sure even then if I wanted it. Take care of yourself and those beautiful children.
((hugs))
July 28th, 2008 at 1:00 am
all signs point to this being a blessing in disguise, baggage. and i know how hard that is to see at this point in it all, but trust me. like so many others here have said, i have been there as well.
just remember that you deserve nothing but the best. NOTHING but the BEST. woman, you are phenomenal! i wish i lived in your hood because i would be there to take you out and keep you positive and show you how amazing you are. just listen to your kids. bubba knows what he’s talkin about!
geo had it good and never reciprocated. it will hit him soon when he is alone and can’t find matching socks. and it will be too late.
enjoy your new house, your nonstop arriving packages and your FAMILY. if you need to, make a list of all the positive things in your life and post it all over the damn house. and look in the mirror and love yourself. xo.
July 29th, 2008 at 11:03 am
Sounds like a really hard and complicated situation. To me it sounds like both of you did (and do?) love each other, so much that you tried to let him slide on all of his shortcomings and he tried to put up with a family life he didn’t really want… but in the end it didn’t work. Sometimes things don’t. I’m so sad for what you’re all going through. But in the end, you and the kids will come out on top, and your little family is perfect the way it is! (ANd if someday you do find a great father to join it, so be it!)