Pickup
He cried when he picked up his stuff.
I cried too, but only after he had walked outside and shut the door.
I packed up all his stuff and it struck me that it was all there, neatly folded in the drawers because I had done it. I had washed it all, pressed the shirts, matched the socks. I took pride in providing him clean laundry, because I knew it made his life a little easier, a little better.
I just don’t understand why he didn’t want to do that for me. Why didn’t he want to make my life easier, better? I filled up four suitcases with examples of my love for him. Where are my examples?
July 25th, 2008 at 11:42 pm
Baggage, this is not to outweigh your point, because I think you probably WERE A million times more thoughtful and helpful than he was, but please comfort yourself that he did help out, being there when you were sick, helping out when you did the blogathon etc… He was taking the foster classes, and went with you to musical theater. I dunno… I think he was a shit more than once, but I was impressed by how he stuck with you through no time, sick kids, health problems, behavioural kids, all sorts of stuff. I remember thinking dang, wish I had a guy who would be there with me at the hospital and dealing with my kids while I was drugged on painkillers or blogging or.. I don’t think you would have been planning a wedding in a couple weeks if he hadn’t given examples of his love for you. But, again, I am not surprised if, like most guys, he did WAY WAY WAY less than you, and unlikely to be the day to day taking care of stuff, like you did his laundry.
But what you write here? I think most of us feel this way at a breakup. Unloved. I am so sorry. So very sorry. I really thought he had come around.
July 26th, 2008 at 12:04 am
Aw sweetie. I’m sorry. You most definitely deserve to be loved, and to have your life filled with examples of that love.
July 26th, 2008 at 6:39 am
my heart is sad for you.
July 26th, 2008 at 7:32 am
“Why he didn’t want to make my life easier, better?” I think that says it all, doesn’t it?
July 26th, 2008 at 8:37 am
Just remember, this shall pass, too!
July 26th, 2008 at 8:40 am
Did he give you a reason behind the breakup? Is he just commitment-phobic?
July 26th, 2008 at 8:44 am
I think you can use his four suitcases and your lack of as a metaphor of your relationship, which will support the final outcome. He may have been right in the long run. A shitty d-bag for the when and why, but quite possibly right. And then again, he could have made the biggest mistake of his life, letting you slip away. Time will tell I guess.
July 26th, 2008 at 10:19 am
I’m so sorry baggage. Wish there was more I could do for you than just writing comments on your blog. ((hugs)).
July 26th, 2008 at 10:23 am
It’s so easy for friends (even those not IRL) to automatically want to start trash-talking the ex. It helps us make you feel better.
And I don’t know all the reasons and history with you and Geo. I know he was there for you in some difficult times and I know he bailed on you as well. He wasn’t ready to make this life-time commitment right now. Maybe someday he will be … and maybe someday you’ll let him.
In the meantime, you deserve those suitcases filled with examples of love and I have no doubt you will find the one who will do that for you, with you, because of you.
July 26th, 2008 at 11:25 am
This breaks my heart, both for you and for your kids.
July 26th, 2008 at 12:17 pm
Out of curiousity, did he ever say why? I’m not asking to know the reason- that’s personal. But did he give an explanation?
The reason I ask- it always seems to me that there are 2 types of breakups. Men who dump without a reason, which is largely followed by the “it isn’t you, its me” or “if I wanted to get married, it would be to you, I’m just not ready” or “Its complicated” type comments at the breakup.
Then there are guys who have a valid reason- fear, is often one, probably because of worry over his own parents marriage(s), or siblings relationship problems. Insecurity is another issue- a recent job loss/change, major move, death of a loved one. Most of the time, in my experience, these breakups end up reconciling when the dumper sees that the dumpee not only survives but thrives even without them. It seems to relieve the pressure that the dumper felt that he was responsible for fixing everything or holding it all together. They feel like they can rejoin the relationship as a partner not as the “rock” that everyone depends on.
I would guess, from reading this blog, that maybe Geo falls in the second category? I mean looking at it all, the 2 house moves in the last couple of years, the recent addition of several very needy children, the loss of 4+ children (Izzie, Butterfly, Meredith, and Elle, plus the ovary issues of infertility), your battles with ADD, the kids issues with birth families, money issues with the state reimbursements, etc.
TO be honest, it is stressful. We’ve moved recently, we’re fostering, and maybe adopting someday, we’re juggling just a few of the changes you’re facing, adn it is stressful. It sounds like maybe Geo just panicked.
You know what the old saying says- don’t make any big decisions on an empty belly or a worried mind. Perhaps Geo just needs some time and space to see that his love for you and the kids is greater than his fear of failure- of failing to provide, of failing to meet ya’lls needs, of failing to be the big strong dependable man he thinks he needs to be.
My whole point was just to give it a little time. Don’t make any “decisions” about Geo’s visitation with the kids while emotions are still high and unsettled.
Give it a month or two and just take it easy, day by day. Force yourself not to think of the “what ifs” and tomorrows, and just live in the moment- deal with things as they come and make the simplest decisions you can make. No ultimatums or “Never/Always” decisions. I would hold off talking to the counselors until some time has passed. You’d hate talking to them and painting Geo as a flake or ya’ll as an unstable couple when you might actually reconcile. (Hasn’t that happened before?)
When you go to the airport, you have 4 choices- travel with nothing but yourself and be prepared to buy what you need when you arrive at your destination, or travel with just a carryon bag that you keep with you at all times, but you have to travel extremely light, often wishing you had brought more of your stuff (regrets), or traveling with a carryon and checked luggage, and having to figure out where to check it, where to pick it up, and having a backup plan if some of it doesn’t arrive at the time you expected it or needed it. The fourth option is to decide that you like your stuff too much to risk the travel or to go without it, and you choose to just stay home and not fly.
You, our darling Baggage, our internet friend, our cotraveler in the foster care journey, chose the 3rd option. You chose to bring your baggage and still try to fly. You just have to figure out a way now to get by until either the airline finds your missing bag (or Geo decides to commit and not panic) or until the airline gives up and just issues a replacement check for you to buy new stuff (Geo doesn’t return, time passes and you have closure, and you meet the real Mr Right!).
You can do this. Just advice from another ADD’er, don’t tackle too many projects at one time. Just focus on one problem at a time and try not to think about what may or may not happen later.
And for examples of his love, look to your memories- to the sacks of groceries when you were broke. To the errands ran for you when he wasn’t obligated to do them. To the acceptance he had for the kids, and even the love.
Because a whole lotta guys wouldn’t have done that. Most guys I’ve met only wanted their “own” kids- biological little mini-mes, not children with damaged egos and wounded souls that bore no biological bond to either parent. THey wouldn’t have cared about the household chores, or the other necessities that Geo cared about.
THis does seem somewhat out of character for Geo, which makes me feel sorry for all of ya’ll, him included. There has to be a reason he did this, because he doesn’t seem to read as a jerk.
Good luck and I’ll be praying for you, for healing in your heart and peace in your mind.
July 26th, 2008 at 8:41 pm
I’m so sorry, Baggage. It’s so hard. You’re doing the right thing, going straight through the pain, instead of hiding or denying, but it’s still pain, and it sucks. It’s better to have loved and lost than … AAAGHGH (sound of me burying that platitude in chocolate fudge, the only true comfort in times like these). (((hugs)))