Parenting teenagers
I really wish that I wasn’t so much of a goody-two-shoes in high school. I seriously was. I had a part time job, I volunteered, had good grades, got into good colleges. I did have sex early, at fourteen, but it was only ONE TIME and MY PARENTS FOUND OUT.
So embarassing.
I did what I was told, my parents were strict, but trusted me, and I didn’t want to break their trust. I didn’t smoke, I didn’t drink. In fact, I had my first drink of alcohol when I was in college.
I wish I had been a little more rebellious because dealing with teenagers now is exhausting me. And dealing with teenagers with mental illness is even more exhausting. Because not only do I have to figure out how the rules should apply, but I have to be careful with my execution as not to start a dramatic flow of events ending up in hospital stays.
And of course, I’m doing all this under the eye of DFS, who has been bugging me lately. I am so ready to be done with them.
I just feel too young to be dealing with the “You don’t understand!” and the “You guys are trying to make me miserable” and “I hate being at home with you people.”
June 14th, 2008 at 8:35 pm
You don’t know me, but I adore everything about your blog, and this entry just called out to me.
I have never drank in my whole life. I don’t know why or how, I honestly have no deep opposition to it — I just didn’t for so long that it eventually seemed worthless to start. I’ll take a coke any day, thanks. Anyway, it terrifies me to think that I may have to try and manage a teenager and when they say that i don’t understand, I won’t.
I, too, had amazing grades, and was an authority-feeling straight-laced goodie goodie.
I don’t want to be the ” i understand” liar, and I completely understand where you are coming from.
June 14th, 2008 at 9:43 pm
I went through my rebellious stage — although my parents never figured it out — so I can relate to the things my teens are going through in that manner.
Whether or not you’ve done the same things at the same age isn’t really an issue. Rather it’s building a relationship of trust — trust that she will tell you those things that need to be told, trust that she will come to you with a problem — rather than matching experiences.
Living with teens is an art form that is figured out in pieces. You learn from mistakes and just keep trying!
I honestly don’t think my past helps me understand them more; in fact I usually have to remind Hubby of the crap he pulled when he was 16! How quickly he forgets…..
June 14th, 2008 at 9:57 pm
I don’t think teenagers would be teenagers if they didn’t say (or at least think) those types of things. It’s a teenager’s nature to believe that they know best and all adults are clueless and hopelessly out of touch. Pair that typical teenager thought process with a traumatic background and you’ve got yourself some serious drama. Hang in there!
June 14th, 2008 at 10:04 pm
All I can say is that it gets easier when they turn 18-19. Dunno why, but it’s true. Hang in there.
June 14th, 2008 at 10:35 pm
Baggage, speaking from a crappy background and mental troubles as a teenager…even if your lives were parallel she would say you don’t understand the one adult that made any effect on me as a teenager was my god Father an ex biker but he had the knack of just being straight forward with me and sometimes it just takes a blunt and straight forward talk. being under the eyes of DHS would make anyone nervous but you are doing great and she is a great kid she’s just finally in a place where she can voice her opinions and not fear reprisal your doing great Baggage don’t worry about what you won’t understand because no parent understands a teenager thinks its a prerequisite or something think Fresh Prince made the song …Parents just don’t understand….so its not just you winks its the teenage rebellion “i don’t need no body why can’t everyone just leave me alone and let me live my life” phase but she also knows she is safe there and that those within the walls love and care for her in a way she is still getting use to.
June 15th, 2008 at 1:35 am
This is actually one of my biggest fears about foster/adopting. I was such an easy kid myself, and I had such an easy childhood, that I really can’t relate to any of the challenges most of these kids deal with. I can certainly read and think and talk, but I’ll never be able to share stories from my own life and how I got through them. I know it’s not a deal breaker as far as effective parenting, but it does worry me.
So yeah…I’m sorry you’re struggling. I hope there are some good days to balance the bad. And I hope you’ll continue to share how this plays out for you, because it really helps me to read about it.
June 15th, 2008 at 9:37 am
Ay-yi-yi. My eldest is Bug’s age, and we’re starting to see the moodiness, the eye-rolling, and the exasperation with authority that comes with being a teen. Not. Looking. Forward. To. It.
I was a super good girl in high school who ran WILD in college, so I kind of get both sides of it. I just wish I could communicate to her that I get how she’s feeling, and that I’m actually trying to guide her to what’s best for her. Arrg.
June 15th, 2008 at 11:44 am
Baggage, I recently found your site, and because I am going through something right now, am using it as an escape from my own life. Thank-you, Thank-you, Thank-you. I have spent HOURS reading your archives, and am currently on page 55? 56? Anyway, You’re a ROCKSTAR!!! I feel like I can relate, not because I have foster kids, but because I took in my boyfriend’s kids when he had to live in the hospital with one of them. We have seven all-together, and being young, (your-age) with teenagers makes me feel like I should be able to relate to them. Especially because of my past. I was a TERRIBLE teen, and my (not bio) girl is doing better than I was at her age, but for some reason, I just can’t understand some of her decisions. I feel like an old fart, and it’s hard to find the balance between parent and friend. Anyway, sorry about the long comment, I just am so drawn to you. Thank-you for your honesty, thank-you for your service to these kids. You inspire me to be a better bio and not bio mom.
June 16th, 2008 at 7:39 pm
Oh my goodness there for a second I had a panic thinking I’d gone and written out my teenage years… I totally was you and want to never let my children become teenagers…
Steph
June 17th, 2008 at 7:34 pm
I have this problem all the time when teaching college students and hearing them talk about their binge drinking exploits and hook-ups. I was so NOT like that in college, I just don’t get it. I think binge drinking is stupid. It’s a judgement, but I have it. At least I’m honest. I really don’t understand why anyone would do that or how anyone could think it is fun. I just try to play the dorky professor who is lovable in spite of her weird quirks and hope a few of them actually look up to me enough to think “hey maybe it IS stupid…”
I am dreading, dreading, dreading, dreading (times infinity) the teen years with my own kids. No idea how that will go.
June 17th, 2008 at 11:05 pm
Hey welcome to my world, you poor thing. I write about my teens on my blog and I wrote a blog a few weeks back about other bloggers with teenagers. I also write at the site Mid-century Modern Moms(mid-centurymodernmoms.com)that is a site that writes about teens, teens with mental illness and other special needs and everything that goes along with it all. My older son is bipolar(fortunately mild) so we cover these topics with experience and (me) some humor.
I was a fairly good girl but I was moody, bitchy and self-centered and I am getting paid back big time by my younger son. It’s tough.