A change is coming…
One day, good people, one day I will feel free to tell more of my part of this story.
But for now, I will say that the focus of the case of Snowbaby and Bubba (and Butterfly) has shifted from reunification to termination. I expect legal filings to occur in the next month or two depending on docket space.
It seems that for most people, their first instinct is to say, “GOOD! That is wonderful news. Those kids need to be with you. You are their mom. They will have a much better life with you.”
I will be honest and say that I want to raise those children so bad. I want to be their mom forever and ever because I love them so very much. But they have another mom too, one I am sure loves them, even if she has not done anything to get them back. I won’t try to guess the reasons why she hasn’t. Maybe she is ill-prepared to be a parent, maybe she is selfish, maybe she feels overwhelmed, maybe she doesn’t care, maybe she has a mental illness that prevents her from doing what she needs to. I don’t know.
All I know is that I will probably be able to provide for them a lot more than she would have been able to. I have more money, a bigger house, a working car, a college education. I’m focused on being a mom, and I make sacrifices in order to give them the best lives possible.
But children shouldn’t be given to the best person. I know there are people who read this blog who have more money than me, a bigger house, three working cars, and a post-graduate degree. They can hire tutors and provide tickets to every Broadway show and fly the kids to London to see the West-End shows.
Hell, if we shipped Snowbaby and Bubba off to Angelina Jolie, they would probably be better off than with me. That is not what this is about.
The simple facts are this:
Mommy Sarah made some very big mistakes. She was given a tremendous amount of services. She was given clear cut instructions as to how to get her children back.
For whatever reason, Mommy Sarah did not what she was supposed to do.
And her time has about run out.
Bubba and Snowbaby need a Mommy, because Mommy Sarah is not able to care for them.
It is tempting for me to get up on my high horse and say, “Well, the best thing happened. I am clearly a better Mom than she is. And she obviously doesn’t give a shit about her kids.”
But just as I am sure there are plenty of people who judge me from this blog without knowing me, I am not going to judge her, even though I’ve gotten to know her over the past year and a half. No matter what happens, she gave birth to two of the most perfect children in the world. Her blood runs through their veins and they will always know her, and they will always feel the loss of her presence, even though they will be covered in my love.
And so, while it is ok to be thrilled that my babies will most likely be staying with me, please don’t make it a contest between me and Mommy Sarah. I am the lucky one in this situation. If everything goes the way I think it is, I will be gaining two beautiful children, while all the other parties in the situation will be experiencing a loss. And it is important to me to be ever mindful of that loss, even in my joy.
June 12th, 2008 at 10:59 am
When my husband and I adopted our son from foster care, people did the same to me - talked about how we “deserved” a child, yadda yadda -
One sensitive person said that adoption is like an organ transplant. One family has great joy that has to be tempered with the knowledge that another family has suffered the ultimate loss.
I like that analogy.
June 12th, 2008 at 11:12 am
Our situation is similar. I have nothing but empathy for my kids’ bio mom. She’s had many opportunities, but seems to have been overcome by her challenges. I like her.
We both love the kids. By the nature of this beast, we’ve been made into adversaries, even if we didn’t seek it.
It feels better to know that we’re not alone in feeling this way.
June 12th, 2008 at 11:19 am
Duly noted. There are no “winners” in this situation. Whatever happens I know you will handle it gracefully as you have so far. Lots of love to you and all the kids.
June 12th, 2008 at 11:22 am
It is terribly sad that Mama Sarah and the children will experience this loss. This loss happened, however, and as much as I wish for all of them it didn’t happen, I have great joy that while step one is loss, step two is you.
The kids have suffered terribly with step one and it will affect them for the rest of their lives. They lucked out in an extreme with step two.
Two mommies, and I’m glad you’re one of them. Very, very glad.
June 12th, 2008 at 11:47 am
This is why I continue to come back here. Because you get it. As the wife of an addict I am in meetings during the week with these people. I know they love their children just as you are aware of that but sometimes their addictions/pasts are too large to overcome.
Thank you for being able to understand that while she may not be able to do what it takes to get her kids back she is not a horrible person.
Good luck with everything.
June 12th, 2008 at 11:53 am
Ditto, ditto, ditto. I cant even add more words. Exactly with my two sons. Ditto on everything. You rock Baggage.
June 12th, 2008 at 11:54 am
The hardest question a Mommy ever has to answer is, “Why didn’t my Mommy love me enough to keep me?”
To me the real question is, “How did she love you enough to let you go?”
June 12th, 2008 at 12:25 pm
Well said. Also important to note that just because a foster child gets adopted into a loving family, it doesn’t miraculously heal the pain that has gone before. Not for the children, birth parents, OR foster parents. It is a difficult path for everyone involved.
That said, though, I think it would be wonderful for you to end up with those children who are obviously thriving in your care and love.
June 12th, 2008 at 12:52 pm
That was beautiful.
June 12th, 2008 at 12:52 pm
I love you even more now than before. Thank you for saying all this. You are full of grace, you know.
June 12th, 2008 at 1:12 pm
Yep. It is such an emotionally complicated place to be.
June 12th, 2008 at 1:31 pm
I just love you. Thank you for getting it.
June 12th, 2008 at 2:56 pm
I have felt tremendous loss for my children’s parents, regardless of their issues, the kids love them and they love the kids. I am so glad you feel the same way I do, adoption means loss even if it is necessary.
June 12th, 2008 at 3:00 pm
You are too amazing.
June 12th, 2008 at 3:35 pm
You are amazing my friend. You really just get it.
June 12th, 2008 at 4:24 pm
You make me love you. For your fairness, for your empathy, for not forgetting their other mother. It is the saddest day in the world that these three children are going to have to experience this loss. No one wins, but even though it isn’t the best, since it happened, I am just so grateful these children will not be moved again and are someplace where they are cherished. Poor mama Sarah, it doesn’t matter that she had a chance and could have done a better job, (couldn’t we all, as you mentioned?) none of that will make her feel better when she is crying for her babies. The world can be such a sad, sad place.
June 12th, 2008 at 4:47 pm
Good post. I just wrote about a similar issue with Slugger’s bio-sister. Who am I to say that she would be “better off” with me? I think the best thing for any kid is to be with their birth family if that family can be a happy and healthy home. The world would be a better place if there was no need for foster care or adoption. Unfortunately, there is a need.
June 12th, 2008 at 5:25 pm
It’s so hard to be in the middle of everything and still keep perspective. You’re doing a great job with that. And a huge indicator of success for those kids is that you will not forget their first mom. It means they know that you will honour their whole selves. That is an amazing thing. It really is. It is the greatest way to put these kids first. Good job
June 12th, 2008 at 7:54 pm
Every Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, birthday, adoption day or special day we light a candle for each of our daughter’s birth parents to honor them in our lives. Thank you so much for giving a voice to the many of us that have adopted through foster care.
June 12th, 2008 at 8:45 pm
You rock.
It seems like so much of adoption is holding together the joy and the sorrow. It’s so difficult, yet so necessary.
June 13th, 2008 at 1:24 am
it’s so good to hear you say this . . . I wish all foster/adoptive parents had your attitude.
(I was adopted as an infant, so I might have just a few “issues” . . . just a few! LOL.)
I nominated you for that BlogHer contest, but I think I messed up because I tried to use one of my own alternate emails because they needed an email addy . . . so I’m afraid they saw the IP and it didn’t go through. sorry if I screwed that up.
but you are totally still my blogging hero!!!!!!
June 13th, 2008 at 2:26 am
You are a most gracious, beautiful and loving mom. I wish all of you (kids, you, Geo, Mama Sarah) the very best in this transition.
June 13th, 2008 at 12:21 pm
You’re a far more generous person than I. I just can’t comprehend the choices Sarah’s made. I am glad the children will probably be staying with you, primarily for their sake, secondarily for yours.
June 13th, 2008 at 1:49 pm
You said that SOOOO well. And I know exactly what you mean. It could’ve been me saying that with my older sons’ adoptions from fc. I went through the whole thing with Tyler’s mom. I KNOW she loves him and can’t begin to imagine what it felt like for her or why she couldn’t do what was needed to get him back. Should he have gone back? Well, no. I don’t think so. Does that take away the pain they feel? Absolutely not. It hurts to know I got what I wanted at her expense. It was the consequences of her mistakes but that doesn’t make it easier. For any of us.
June 13th, 2008 at 3:36 pm
We, too, adopted a child from the foster care system. On the day that we went to court, Mom testified that she did sign the termination papers voluntarily. She was incarcerated at the time, very young, and was paraded through the court room in handcuffs and leg-irons. When we left the court room, she smiled at me, and tried to wave, and I went outside and cried. I cried for the child that she will not know. I cried because being a mother, I cannot realize what it would be like to give a child up, I cried because at that time, her future looked so bleak and she was just a child herself. It is very bittersweet, I do understand that.
June 14th, 2008 at 3:07 pm
This post is another example of why you are a great mom.
Many people have asked me how my kids birthmothers could have placed them for adoption. I generally say “Sometimes people are just overwhelmed by the circumstances of their lives.”
Of course for the kids themselves it’s a lot more complicated, even those who were adopted at birth.
June 14th, 2008 at 10:17 pm
Baggage you know all about my story and that as unbelievable as it might be to some I am a bio mom that has lost her children I only wish that they were with someone like you I do love my kids and like you said Momma Sarah has her own torment to deal with and perhaps in time when they are older there will be a chance for them to know their biomom again it is what I am praying for in my own situation. Baggage you have given me more strength during this time then I think you could possibly know and I would right here and right now say….Thank you. Thank you for the person you are for the person you aspire to be and for the wonderful individual alot of people should be. and my fingers are crossed to all the moms here please do not think all bio mom’s are like the some crazied and overly theatric that I am sure you have seen in your time caring for children some of us for whatever reason though we tried just could not do it all and deep down we are grateful for the special people and make no mistake about it your all special that open your homes to complete strangers along with your arms and hearts.
Love,and joy to you all,
BioMom
June 15th, 2008 at 8:14 am
I’ve said similar words and meant them from the depths of my soul. And then there are those days that you want to meet the bio mom and beat the crap out of her. The deep scars that surface, at times, are too much to forgive. Then again — looking into our son’s eyes we are thankful to his creator … both biologically and spiritually.
June 16th, 2008 at 7:01 am
wow!
You left speechless.. Love you, girl
June 16th, 2008 at 11:11 pm
New reader. You amaze me. I’ll be back for more…