Yesterday
Yesterday I had one of those days that could only be dealt with by crying.
I attended a meeting for Elle and Meredith..a meeting that was full of people who had extremely differing opinions. There was a lot of drama and a lot of pain in that room.
I am having a hard time being a foster parent. All the visits, the meetings, the court dates, the waiting, the not knowing..it is wearing on me. I love being these kid’s mom. But I want to be just a mom. I want to be a mom without having to worry about what is going to happen next with the legal system.
I told Geo last night…this is it. I will keep these six until permanency and then I’m done. He said that we should consider teenagers later on and I said I could see that. But no more littles for me. It is too hard for me. If these kids go home, I will consider having a bio baby or maybe we’ll consider a domestic adoption. I know I’ve been strong, but I feel like I can only be strong for so long. I feel like I’ve done my time. I’ve made a difference. And I’ve gotten to the point where it has become painful for me. Maybe I just need a break and then I’d be able to foster again. Maybe I just need something to happen in Snowbaby and Bubba’s case. I don’t know.
Another thing we found out yesterday was that Eagle, Bug’s biological brother, has come back into foster care. He was adopted at the same time Bug was, but his adoption has disrupted. They won’t tell me what happened. I got the feeling that it had to do with his former adoptive parents, but that is just a feeling. I know that Eagle previously had a lot of issues. Bug and I are very happy to know that he is ok and now we know why he wasn’t writing her back. I’ve already been in contact with his worker and they have told Bug she can write him. They are going to work with his therapist to determine if visits are ok for him now. Bug cried when I told her. She misses her brother a lot. She begged me to adopt him. I told her that he wasn’t ready for that, even if he would fit in with our family structure. He just lost his second family. He needs time to heal. And of course, I don’t know what his issues are right now. I do know that he is placed in a residential facility but I don’t know what that is. I don’t know if he is in an RTC or juvenile hall or a psych hospital or a group home. I just don’t know.
But at least we know he is safe now, and I promised Bug I would do everything I can do to make sure she can see him and to try to stay involved with his case as much as they will let me.
My day yesterday was just too hard for me emotionally, as as Snowbaby climbed up on my lap, I just started to cry. I hugged her tight and cried.
“Don’t cry, Momma, ” she said. “I’ll be your buddy! I will give you bandaid!”
And then she kissed me and said, “No Cry Momma. Cubbies will hit ball!!”
(And to answer lorraine’s question..if someone was to hypothetically nominate me and I were to hypothetically win, I would sure as hypothetically try to go because I NEED A BREAK!)
May 2nd, 2008 at 1:15 pm
Though I know it wasn’t the purpose of your last post, I will be going online to nominate you this weekend. You are one of my very favorite bloggers and I’ve learned so much from you. Plus, you deserve a lovely break, a long nap, and a free trip. Oh, and if the Cubbies could wrap up the World Series this year, that would be nice too, so I’ll be wishing that for you and my dad, a Cubs fan for 70 years.
May 2nd, 2008 at 1:35 pm
You deserve a break. Jeez. I’d love to have you win that blogging thing. Your blog never fails to disappoint. I just finished reading a book by a foster parent called something like ‘Another Place at the Table’…I thought about your situation as I read it. I admire your strength and would also admire your decision to stop fostering and build a family that would be more permanent.
May 2nd, 2008 at 1:39 pm
Baggage-
I am sorry. Somedays are just so tough. I wish there could be some permanence for Bubba and Snowbaby too….
HUGS and I hope that Bug can write to Eagle again. That’s tough for him… Tell Bug that I am thinking of her too!
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:13 pm
You cried because you are a Mommy. Real Mommies Cry. I think that should be a new bumper sticker.
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:25 pm
Baggage, you know I made this same decision not to long ago. The visits are still hard and this foster world is so crazy but I feel some peace knowing there is light at the end of the tunnel for me. Foster parenting is just so hard. People will never understand that giving away pieces of your heart means you’re never the same again.
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:35 pm
That’s just so sweet of Snowbaby. I hope things work out. I think you’re right doing what you need to do.
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:44 pm
I understand. We were foster parents for four years in our 20s (adopted our daughter) and are now deciding to do it again in our late 30s - I know for a fact that I did the right thing jumping off the train when I felt like I couldn’t hang on anymore that first time around…no shame in knowing when enough is enough.
Hope things work out for you.
May 2nd, 2008 at 3:30 pm
I was here yesterday just browsing. Today your post caught me. I teach students who are in the same boat as your children. Thank God for people like you.
BTW, I already knew you were awesome and not that I discovered that your a CUBS fan, YOU ROCK!!!!
May 2nd, 2008 at 5:48 pm
You are my new hero. I have been in training for my second go round of being a foster mom and my biggest concern is whether I can do it alone. I have been reading your blog and remembering what it’s like to have 4 kids all wanting something at the same time. And those were my own perfectly abnormal kids. You give me hope that maybe, just maybe I can do it.
May 2nd, 2008 at 6:14 pm
Sounds like you’ve been put on an emotional rollercoaster lately! No wonder you cried! I hope things are going to work out for all of these kids, and especially that Eagle’s disrupted adoption will turn out on a positive note! Keep your spirits up!
May 2nd, 2008 at 7:52 pm
Let the tears flow, it releases a lot of pent-up emotion. I just read somewhere that tears are a powerful sign of grace– the Sufis say that one tear is worth a thousand prayers.
I love Snowbaby — I love all your kids, and that means you must be mad about them. You are doing something very difficult emotionally, be easy on yourself and let Snowbaby give you a bandaid.
May 2nd, 2008 at 11:39 pm
Snowbaby made me tear up. She really knows what to say! You are my hero. I’ve told you many a time. I can totally understand that you have had enough and need a break. I hope you can get some news about permanency for your present kids asap. hugs.
May 3rd, 2008 at 8:33 am
Baggage,
I’m so sorry things are so hard for you. I can’t imagine a more emotionally trying job, on so many levels. I put foster parents right up on the same pedastal as oncology nurses. A tough, tough job. I don’t think it’s a job that anyone could do forever. Such an emotional roller coaster, whether the outcome is reunification or adoption. If you do decide to quit at some point, take pride in the amazing good you did for those kids under your roof right now. Don’t ever beat yourself up for quitting. Take the bandaid.
May 3rd, 2008 at 1:17 pm
I am also sorry to hear that you are having a rough time, but think that perhaps having a plan might make it easier to cope with things when they are so up in the air. I really admire what you are doing. I think that you have (and continue to) offered so much to these kids. I am also really happy for Bug that there is a reason now why she hadn’t been hearing from Eagle. It sounds promising that that situation will also improve. I also love Snowbaby’s comments - such warm fuzzies even remotely!
Can I please have your email address? It is a required field on the blog her nomination form and I would like to nominate you. I don’t read many blogs regularly, but I always read yours - it is one of the first things that I check on evenings when I am online. Thank you for your blog and your honesty.
May 4th, 2008 at 5:08 am
Just reading this is making me cry. Whatever happens in the long run, the love and nurturing all your kids have received from you will help them throughout their lives.
In Judaism there is a tradition that the world continues to exist by the merit of a small number of wonderful people doing exceptional good deeds. I think you are one of them.
May 5th, 2008 at 11:24 am
Baggage,
You are a champ.
It’s apparent with the actions of your kids (all of them), that you are an amazing person with a huge heart, but there comes a time when we all have to protect that heart.
((hugs))
May 6th, 2008 at 8:54 am
To paraphrase Lyfe Jennings from his song, “Cry”: “Nothing wrong with cryin’…it’s like taking your soul to the laundromat.” Don’t deny yourself what you need.