Some people..
just don’t get it.
Here are a few examples:
Me: Oh yeah, I know school is cancelled. I’ve got five other kids at home!
Random teacher woman: Oh, so what? You couldn’t get pregnant so you just decided to become a foster parent instead?
Random people, unless they exist on the internet, do not need to know the details about Galinda and Elphaba and my tube of doom. It’s none of their damn business.
Social worker (in front of all my children): So which ones are yours and which ones are you just fostering?
Me: Um..well she is adopted and the rest are our foster kids.
Social worker: So you have no biological kids?
Me: No, we don’t.
Social worker: Wow!! That makes you a special person!!
Um, it does? Special how? Special because my insides are glued together? Special because we have these awesome kids right now and we don’t feel the desire to have a bio baby while we have six other kids at home. And hey, aren’t you a social worker? Shouldn’t you have some..I don’t know..fucking tact????
Here’s one I hate: “I could never do foster care. I’d become too attached.”
What am I supposed to say to that? “Oh, yeah, that’s why I’m a good foster parent. I don’t give a damn about the kids I’ve had in my house for a year and half. And see that baby over there? Can’t stand her guts! I wish she would hurry up and get the fuck out.”
Here’s my secret: I DON’T WANT THESE KIDS TO LEAVE.
And I don’t think that is wrong. My job is to support reunification and I support the hell out of it through my actions. I go out of my way to help the bio parents and drive kids to visits and provide pictures and diaper bags and anything else I can do. I’m friendly as all get out. But do I want these kids to leave? HELL NO.
That is ok. My job is to help them get home. Nobody said my job was to want them to go home.
And by the way, if you are training to become a foster parent, don’t announce to the class that 1) You won’t watch a video about sexual abuse because it upsets you too much and 2) That really all you want is a few minutes alone with the birthparents to kick their ass.
Because #1, it makes you look psycho.
#2, No matter if you think those things or not, announcing them in front of social workers is never a good idea.
#3, Try having a kid tell you about their sexual abuse. Much more difficult than watching some badly acted movie made in 1989.
(P.S. Lots of new reviews up on my review blog.)
April 30th, 2008 at 12:04 pm
I love people like that! My favourite is in the check out line at grocery stores.
Them:”Is she adopted” (I’m white, my kid was born in China).
ME:”Yes she was, why do you ask?”
A great look of sadness crosses their face.
“I’m SO sorry you couldn’t have your own.”
Ummm… my four year old IS SITTING RIGHT THERE YOU IDIOT!!!
“She is my own, and adoption was my first choice. And, I’d rather not discuss it in front of my VERY OWN child”
Geez. I have about a million of these.
April 30th, 2008 at 12:20 pm
to the “I could never do foster care. I’d become too attached” type of comments I once heard someone respond w/ something similar to “so then…you’d rather do NOTHING and just stand and watch kids need a home but not offer yours…ok then” (she said more but I can’t remember….I swore I’d use it if someone did it to me!LOL)
April 30th, 2008 at 12:33 pm
oh my gosh. Is all I can say. My mouth is on the floor. Some people have NO freaking tact or common sense. I am seriously appalled by those people and that you had to face them and not be able punch them in the face.
April 30th, 2008 at 1:05 pm
“If you can’t concieve, that means that you really shouldn’t be a parent.”
That lovely gem was said to me by one of my co-workers. I still have not forgiven her.
People suck. Except you Baggage. You don’t suck.
April 30th, 2008 at 4:00 pm
Another one of my co-workers just asked if I was pregnant and then excitely told me she’d go get a home pregnancy test and we could find out for sure!!!!!
The number of co-workers I hate is increasing daily.
April 30th, 2008 at 6:24 pm
I just love the social workers that tell you, “you are a saint for what you do”, then use that as an excuse NOT to help you with any services, “Oh, you’re so good, you guys will do great with him/her!” Then it is all your fault when the kid needs admittance to a psych hopital because they neglected to tell you the kid was suicidal. Then they act like it is all your fault cause they are all surprised that you didn’t pull off some freakin’ miracle. Or the coworker who says every day, “I don’t know how you deal with those kids of yours. I could never do what you do.” I have to go perform some miracles now
April 30th, 2008 at 6:51 pm
When they tell me that they’d get too attached I always say, “Yeah, that’s what you’re supposed to do.”
Witty, I know, but it never fails to cause surprised looks. Especially from the people who watch me grieve when kids leave.
My absolute favorite comment though came from a co-worker. I had just lost a sib set of 4 and wasn’t over grieving them when I got the 2 that I have now. I was finding it hard to put away the grief and get down to loving the kids. My co-worker said, “Well, maybe you’re becoming a real foster parent now!” Who knew I was a faking it before?
April 30th, 2008 at 8:30 pm
Ahhh, to greenrobin: I bet that she meant “real foster parents don’t attach. You were being a REAL parent before. Now you’re becoming a real FOSTER parent” Geesh.
Let’s see:
fos·tered, fos·ter·ing, fos·ters
1. To bring up; nurture: bear and foster offspring. See Synonyms at nurture.
2. To promote the growth and development of; cultivate: detect and foster artistic talent. See Synonyms at advance.
3. To nurse; cherish: foster a secret hope.
adj.
1. Providing parental care and nurture to children not related through legal or blood ties: foster parents; foster grandparents; a foster home.
2. Receiving parental care and nurture from those not related to one through legal or blood ties: foster children.”
Doesn’t it apply to the children one gives birth to as well as those not related? Doesn’t it say PARENTAL care and nurture, even in the ones re “not related”? Doesn’t it say “cherish”? Foster understanding. means :nourish real understanding. Not fake, detatched, halfassed understanding…
Sigh. I am so sorry Baggage. I haven’t gotten so much of these since I have the Dao: I did before I had him, a lot, when I said I was adopting from China. “Don’t you want your own?” “Why don’t you try to make a homegrown one?” “Don’t we have children here to adopt?” Now I get “Why didn’t China want him? They don’t give away their boys. What is wrong with him? How did you get a boy?”
Anyways, the next time someone says you are special. You are. Some would have stopped with just Bug. Or decided it was too hard to be a single mom. Or done everything they could to have “their own” children. Or be unable to watch a video on sexual abuse, let alone hear it from kids and be able to be open and foster growth and understanding. You are special.
April 30th, 2008 at 9:07 pm
It seems like there are many, many ignorant people in the world. It is amazing that some of these people are actually in charge of kids. :O
April 30th, 2008 at 11:01 pm
Mmmm, Anger! That’s hot. hahahaha (sorry, I must have been channeling my inner Paris. Feel free to ignore my idiocy, Hubby does.)
May 1st, 2008 at 6:41 am
I am one of those people that have said I am not sure how anyone foster parents because of the heartbreak of course I would never say that to random strangers or just someone I hardly know. It is not meant at all that I think that person does not cares about the kids not it is the exact opposite. I admire someone who would put their heart out there to be broken over and over for the good of these children. Unfortunately I don’t think I could handle it and would have a real tough time with the reunification part when I know that I could offer more love and security. So I just admire you for doing this is all.
May 1st, 2008 at 11:48 am
I’m shocked by the Social worker the most! You’d think she’d have learned by now how to talk to, and in front of, kids in care. I’m a CASA, and going through foster training right now, and feel pretty hopeful about the other families in our class and the County workers we’ve met. I’m sorry it’s been lame for you over there. I guess some people just dive into stuff before they’ve really done any thinking or reading about it. Like one guy in our class (he and his wife dropped out eventually) said something like “I thought birthparents could always come and get their kid back after they’re adopted.” And they were hoping to adopt. wierd.
May 1st, 2008 at 12:15 pm
Thank you, thank you, thank you…..
People just don’t get it at all.
“Why are you doing foster care? Why don’t you just adopt?”
I try to explain that we wanted to provide a safe,joy-filled, peaceful place that a child could heal until reunification and I just get blank stares. We have a child that has lived with us almost a year that is pre-adoptive, he has grown so much, we care for him but as a family we have not “clicked”. People think that we are monsters for not adopting him. Everyone wants to judge, but nobody wants to get their hands dirty. It is a huge sacrifice for hubby and I and the 3 bios.
May 2nd, 2008 at 10:08 am
The social worker needs to be reported as should the teacher!! The fact that you do attach to these kids is what makes you a good foster mom. Who wants kids to return to a possible dangerous environment over and over? Oh right the courts!!
Beverly