Blogging and Calling
Two things:
1. First off, can you pretty please go sponsor me for the blogathon? The Foster and Adoptive Care Coalition is such a good organization and it really helps out kids and families. Plus, I need some good motivation for staying up all night Saturday. Thank you for those who already have pledged..I think we have raised about $100 so far.
2. Thanks for all your nice comments. It got me thinking about blogging. I know some people write their blogs like diaries. They write as if no one is reading. It is almost like you were over at someone’s house and found their diary in the bathroom cabinet or something. Then there are those blogs in which the writer knows they are writing for an audience. I am one of those. I know there are people reading. I check my stat counter to see how many people read that day and what brought them to the blog. (Does Ashley Tissdale wear thongs? was a recent search query. Bug got a kick out of that.)
I often direct posts at my readers or address things people said. Because this is an open forum, is it necessary to allow people to say mean things to me? American Family doesn’t think so. On her blog, she encourages debate but won’t allow people to act like a jackass.
I know some people who don’t turn their comments on. Or some people who moderate all their comments. If you say something mean, they won’t publish it on their blog.
I very rarely moderate comments, and I only do it when someone posts some information that is private. For instance, some people know my real first name. If they address me by that in my blog, I’ll edit the comment. Some people know where I live. I might edit a comment to take out identifying information like that. But other than that, I let comments go.
Comments like Devon’s sometimes upset me because they tend to come on a post where I am obviously struggling with something. I’m venting about how I’m upset and depressed and then I get a comment basically pointing out what they think I do wrong. In some cases, it makes me laugh because this blog is only a fraction of my life. So this morning when I logged on and saw the comment, I called Geo to tell him and we laughed about how an Ipod that I got as a present way before I had any kids was the root of my financial problems today.
When we read blogs, we form an idea of who a person is and sometimes our impressions are way off. If you stumbled upon this blog today, you might want to know the same things Devon questioned. Why do you have these kids? Why did you go see a play if you are broke?
And by the way, what is broke? Geo is the type who, if he doesn’t have several thousands dollars in the bank, feels like he is absolutely broke. For others, broke means that your electricity got shut off and you only have $2. For others, broke means that you are homeless or starving.
I’m losing focus here. Basically what I’m trying to say is, when I comment on blogs, I try to remember that I’m coming into this person’s house. They might have left their door open, that’s true. But if someone walks into my house and says, “Wow, your couch is really ugly. You should have not gotten a couch at goodwill. At my house, I cut out my cable bill and go to the park instead of plays. That is why I am doing things better than you. That’s why I have a nice couch and you don’t” I’m likely to kick their ass out on the street. Now, if one of my friends said to me, “Baggage, I know you hate your couch. Would you like my advice? How about cutting out your cable? Then you might be able to afford a new couch.”
There is a big difference between saying, “Well, in my life I do this, and you wouldn’t have these problems if you were more like me.” and saying, “Hey, have you thought of this idea? It might help.” Especially if you don’t know the whole situation.
I also wanted to comment real quickly on something Holly said and Mrs. Butter B said. Basically the idea of this being a calling for me. You know, I don’t think this job is easy at all. At times, it is very stressful. But it has been put in my heart as something that I have to do. Would my situation be better if I hadn’t brought Izzy into the home? Probably. But should a 17 year old be left without a family so I can have a little extra money? A little less stress? Is my ability to have ten grand in the bank more important than her ability to have a family?
We always talk about the number of kids who are waiting for a permanent family. What is, about 118,000? What if all of us took responsibility for that? What if you stretched your heart open a little more than you thought you could and took in a child who needs a family? So many of us complain about the state of the world. We talk about taking care fo children and we talk about what this world is becoming. But how many of us actually do something about it? I am adopting Izzy because I want to have another daughter, yes. But I’m also adopting her because someone needs to. If not me, then who?
I know that I can’t save the world. I know my limits. I get calls for kids all the time that I say no to. But when a child will fit into my heart and my home, I say yes, even if it means that I have to worry a little about money until my checks from DFS start coming in.
Sometimes I wish I could have my own reality show so you could look into my house. So you could see these kids and say, “Hey. Maybe I could do that.” That is what I hope this blog does. Even if you say, “Wow, I know I’m not as fucked up as that Baggage girl and SHE does this. Maybe I could too.”
In the meantime, I’m going to keep on keeping on because I know in my heart it is the right thing to do. I don’t think in 10 years I will regret not having money for a pedicure or for new jeans. I don’t think I will regret driving a van that is 14 years old.
I think I would regret my life, a lot, if I sent these kids packing and had a bunch of money in the bank. Sometime having a calling isn’t easy. Sometimes it is scary and hard and frustrating.
But I wouldn’t give up my life, even if it meant less stress and less difficulty. I know this is the right thing to do. I believe that 100% in my heart.
July 25th, 2007 at 5:07 pm
Amen!
July 25th, 2007 at 5:12 pm
You all are lucky to have each other.
July 25th, 2007 at 5:15 pm
Very nicely put!
July 25th, 2007 at 6:02 pm
This is my first post. First of all, my respect and admiration to you.
Second, i feel that you do not have to explain of justify yourself. you are doing a great job!
July 25th, 2007 at 6:14 pm
You have WAY more supporters and admirers than critics!!!!
July 25th, 2007 at 7:01 pm
Baggage, you rock. I don’t comment much, but I’m trying to change that. I have been reading your blog since you first got matched with Bug, and I have so much respect for you, for how you throw it all out on the blog for us to read, and for us to learn with you as you learn and grow as a parent.
And this whole post was just so right on. And my 4 yr old wants me to explain why I’m laughing out loud at “Wow, I know I’m not as fucked up as that Baggage girl and SHE does this. Maybe I could too.” I don’t think I can explain that one to him though.
I don’t know many other foster parents IRL, and the ones I do know mostly have older kids in a permanency program, while I have littles and am on the RU rollercoaster. I get my support from reading foster parent blogs, and your is one of my daily reads.
Thanks for being such a great mom, and extra thanks for taking the time and energy to share it with all of us.
July 25th, 2007 at 7:08 pm
Just to let you know, you don’t need a reality tv show to inspire people to do foster care and adopt out of foster care. You have definitely inspired me to do both when I am older, and it’s an option I had TOTALLY dismissed as a method of creating my family before I found your blog. Now I know it’s something I definitely want to do, all ’cause of your blog, which inspired me to find out more about foster care in my own country and read other foster blogs. I think what you do is amazing (on my blog, yours is linked under the title ‘my personal hero’ - and it’s linked there for a reason).
July 25th, 2007 at 7:17 pm
Handled like a pro.
I don’t comment much either, but should. Sometimes I read your blog and get frusterated, “I would…She should…”, but that is easy to say from my comfy leather desk chair. I know what you’re doing for these kids. I own property that houses orphans in CA, lots have been in/out of foster care. They would love to live with you even if they didn’t get the $15 fireworks or 75%off tickets. And to them? That extra toy that makes “necessity shopping” a little tougher IS a necessity. Most people haven’t the slightest idea of what its like to have nothing. I dare doubters to turn off their cable & internet and go without buying themselves ANYTHING besides necessities for just a month.
I think you’re doing great.
July 25th, 2007 at 7:27 pm
I don’t want kids. I don’t particularly like kids. I tend to enjoy children as soon as they aren’t … you know … children. So for a long time, I thought that I would never really have my own family.
Thanks to you, I now plan to adopt older kids some years from now, when I’m finished traveling and ready to settle into a house and work really hard for kids who are going to need a lot of help. Basically, I’m going to make sure that if nothing else, several adoptable 17-year-olds end up having somewhere to go for the holidays every year when they get older, even if I can’t change much else about their lives or who they are.
So don’t stop what you’re doing, and don’t stop blogging about it. You’ve certainly taught me that there’s more than one way to build a family. And that’s what you can keep sight of: that maybe ten or fifteen years from now, your name will come up at my dinner table while I’m talking to three or four of my kids who would have aged out onto the street if it hadn’t been for you. If that’s not a testament for ignoring the haters, I’m not sure what is.
July 25th, 2007 at 8:20 pm
“I know that I can’t save the world. Sometimes I wish I could have my own reality show so you could look into my house. So you could see these kids and say, “Hey. Maybe I could do that.” That is what I hope this blog does.”
Have you read the “Starfish Story”? If not, Google it. You are making a difference to more than you know by saving children one at a time and inspiring others to do the same. No single person can do it all, but together we can do a lot! I think you are doing an awesome job!
July 25th, 2007 at 8:54 pm
You said:
“I think I would regret my life, a lot, if I sent these kids packing and had a bunch of money in the bank.”
Exactly. If I’d let the girls go into the system when I could prevent it, I’d regret it the rest of my life.
July 26th, 2007 at 5:08 am
You always do such a great job of writing my own sentiments. I never say that I am tired or would love to have 5 minutes to myself because then people question why I do foster care. But when I voiced those same thoughts when I had my bio children no one ever questioned why I had bio kids, they would just reassure me that things would get easier. One of my placements is leaving tomorrow (which is breaking my heart) and as much as I would love to have an easier lifestyle, as soon as I get that next call I know I will say yes because as you say the need is so great. We need more foster parents not criticsm.
July 26th, 2007 at 9:45 am
You go girl! I don’t recall if I’ve mentioned before that my husband’s family did foster care for about 35 years–from his childhood to adulthood, and only recetly quit because MIL is over 63 and adopted two of the last girls to live with her! Anyway, we’ve gone back and forth as to us being foster parents when our duaghter goes to school in a few more years. Sometimes your blog scares the heck out of me but mostly it’s an inspriation. and actually, I think the scaring is a good idea because I tend to look at the world with rose colored glasses and I need to be a little less naive by the time we do foster care! LOL So, yeah, for the most part you make me think I can really do this too!
By the way, I told DH about your charity, and he loves it too. We intend it to become the fourth chartiy we support regularly!
July 26th, 2007 at 9:45 am
You are so right. You have every right to set the ground rules here. This is your blog.
There is not enough compassion in the world. People need to see beyond their little lives every now and then. I think you set a good example for someone who cares enough to reach out. Good for you!
I have this strong desire to be understood…my decisions and why I make them. I finally gave up on wanting everyone to like me. At this point in my life, I am realizing that not everyone is going to understand me, either. I just do what I think is right, and if I mess up, I pick up my mess and move on.
You have to be true to yourself. If you are following your heart and doing what you know to be right, then let the critics kiss off. They don’t live your life. They’ve never walked in your shoes. And I bet that they’ve never given as much of their heart as you have.
Keep up the good work! You’re a gem.
July 26th, 2007 at 9:50 am
Just wanted to let you know that my pledge is sincere. As long as it’s still there Monday, I intend to give Jessica acting lessons!
July 26th, 2007 at 10:44 am
Exactly!! Well put!
July 26th, 2007 at 11:37 am
Because of you, I know that I (the weird, not so perfect, depressive/perfectionist/messy/complex me, so different from the balanced people of the world!) can and will adopt children in a few years. Even if I am single, I now know I must not distrust me. Even if the kids have issues, like I myself have issues. I have always wanted to adopt (AND have bio kids, if that’s possible I want both!, if not, ok), but sometimes I felt I would not be good enough to be a mother. Because of you, I feel able to be a mother someday!
July 26th, 2007 at 11:45 am
All those people who “question your financial choices” would never do what you are doing for your kids. Never. They would never even think of being a foster parent.
*hugs* You’re doing great things. You have nothing to explain - to anybody - and no reason to apologize. Period.
July 26th, 2007 at 11:55 am
Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!es! Yes!Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!Yes! Yes!Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!
Perfectly put, dear, perfectly well put!
(And for the record, I’m printing this, laminating it and going to hand it out everytime someone in our very exclusive gated community raises their eyebrows or comes next door to ask me to please park my old Chevy van in the garage because it “detracts from the view”. This is EXACTLY why we do it, and I wish everyone in America would cut back just a smidgeon and make room in their heart, lives and pocketbooks for a waiting child!! The Butter B family loves you! Keep up the awesome writing and nurturing and campaigning. Maybe we could hire you as an adoption/foster care special interest advocate in congress, hmmmmmmmm!)
July 26th, 2007 at 11:56 am
Hi! I love your blog-it reminds of way I am pursuing the same journey that you are on.(Single foster/adopt mom)I am scared and excited but I know I won’t be bored. Thank you for being real and open with your life.
July 26th, 2007 at 7:54 pm
There are (I hope) hundreds of “us” cheering you on for every one naysayer.
I started reading your blog because I am considering fostering/adopting as a single mom in a couple of years. I love reading about your daily struggles because I feel like I get a glimpse of what my life could be.
Keep writing, and just ignore the idiots . . .
blessings,
Lorraine
July 27th, 2007 at 7:24 pm
Dang, this post made me cry.
You are my hero.
really you are.