Did someone say insane?
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So not only am I insane for staying up 24 hours, but I also fear I am becoming insane.
Yesterday after I tucked the kids in, I went in my room and cried for 20 minutes onto Geo’s shoulder.
I’m very frustrated.
My problem is this: Prior to starting back up with foster care, I was working from home. I had a pretty set schedule. I could usually get 5 to 10 projects done in a day.
I’m still trying to get 5 done a day. Except now, everything is different. I have five children, all with special needs. I have 6, sometimes 7, mouths to feed. I have 7 people to do laundry for. Laundry for 7 people is insane. (I do Geo’s laundry in exchange for free car maintenance. SUCH a good deal for me as my van is a POS.)
I also have become obsessed with the cleanliness and organization of my house. Part of the reason is because we have a constant parade of people coming in here. Social workers, therapists, speech therapists. But also because I find that a messy environment is very stressful for me. It also is very frustrating to constantly be searching for shoes, or keys, or where I put that coupon for $3.00 off of pullups. I am naturally not organized at all and my ADD makes things so much worse sometimes.
But slowly, I am decluttering, cleaning and getting things the way I want them. I know my house will never be pristine, but I want it to be nice. I was so excited to be able to move into the BDH and I want it to be a place where people can relax and feel comfortable.
Everything in my life has blown up in the last five, almost six months. I have zero free time. I used to love when Geo came over at night because I really loved having someone to talk to and hang out with. Now sometimes I feel like it is just one more person who wants my attention. I still love having him around, but sometimes I want to just hide in my room and read true mom confessions or something.
Every single day I have some sort of appointment. I’ve got four kids in counseling, three kids seeing a psychiatrist. One kid in speech therapy. In a few weeks, I’ll have four kids in school. Two will be somewhat self-sufficient but both have educational delays that I’ll need to address. One kid I will have to drive to school and one kid, I’ll be homeschooling. Plus I have baby all day. All she wants to do is hang on my leg and tell me that she is nice all day. Which frankly, isn’t really that nice.
I also have to deal with DFS. Visits, clothing allowances, rules, regulations. I can’t even get my kid’s hair trimmed without having to consult a panel of people.
Ok.
So that is obviously where I am, and of course, things are magnified because all of this falls on my shoulders because I am a single mom. Luckily, Geo has REALLY stepped up to the plate in the last few months. When he is here, he helps with bedtimes and baths. He puts laundry away. Last night he cleaned up outside. He always calls on his way here and asks if I need anything from the store. He picks up baby wipes and milk and on Callie’s birthday, he went and got her birthday cake and even came home with another present for her.
But still, I’m a stay at home mom, so at least 94% of the things that go on around here are my responsibility.
I know that having five kids must be hard, but I guess it is even harder when you have one mildly retarded daughter with depression, one daughter with RAD, ODD, ADHD and PTSD, One daughter with depression, anxiety, and PTSD, and two little kids with fairly severe developmental delays. Oh, and let’s not forget the medical issues of Snowbaby. And Bubba’s recent behavioral issues.
So yes, I understand. I’ve got a lot on my plate. It is a lot. A lot. A lot.
Then why the hell do I beat myself up EVERY SINGLE DAY?
If I don’t get enough projects done, I feel horrible. If I am short on money (like always), I blame myself. I’m constantly stressed about money. Each day I open up my bank account and want to cry. Instead of being mad because DFS shorted me the money, I blame myself because I didn’t get enough work done.
The house isn’t clean enough? Something is out of place? I hate myself.
I forget to pay a bill? I’m late for an appointment? Hate.
The laundry is backed up? I don’t get something out to someone that I said I would mail but ran out of time? Hate.
Last week when I had the seven kids, Geo had walked by the playroom and said, “Well, this room is trashed!”
Now, he meant it as an innocent comment about how having that many kids tends to wreck a playroom.
But it hurt me so very much. I took it as a personal attack on me.
Look, I know that intellectually what I am doing is hard. That I have a lot of responsibility. But for some reason, I am having a really hard time accepting that. I’m constantly beating myself up. If I spend five minutes reading blogs, I feel SO guilty. The only reason I don’t feel bad about blogging is because my family gets a little extra money if I can sell an ad on here. So I figure if I keep writing, people will keep reading and then maybe I’ll get a little extra money.
I feel bad ALL the time. I feel lazy and not good enough. I can’t sleep at night because I’m so stressed about the next day and I wake up each morning and am exhausted before the day begins.
I’m having a hard time dealing with the foster care aspect. I spend all day long with Snowbaby. I love these kids so freaking much. Sometimes I am afraid that when they go home, I’ll lose my mind. I hate not knowing if they will be here on Christmas. I hate not being able to plan more than three months in advance.
I don’t know what to do about it. I don’t know how to let myself feel proud of what I’m doing. I don’t know how to stop beating myself up. Everytime someone says, “You are doing such a good job,” I want to say to them…if you only knew.
July 24th, 2007 at 2:00 pm
I think that if you asked Geo, to come over and hang out so you could read a book or take a bath, I bet he would. He couldve walked away from the situation a long time ago but he obviously loves you and the kids.
July 24th, 2007 at 2:21 pm
You clearly need a break (you kinda sound depressed - but that could just be because you’re so tired). Can you get respite at all in the next month or so? Even twenty four hours to sleep might make you feel better. Or just asking Geo round to watch the kids while you get things straightened out for yourself, or take a long hot bath, or read, or whatever. But I don’t know how you stop beating yourself up about stuff. I don’t know whether getting on top of all the stuff you want/need to do would help you or not. (Sorry, I’m bad at this sort of thing).
July 24th, 2007 at 2:24 pm
I’m sure Geo would watch the kids to give me a break. He’s done that before so I could go to the store alone or whatever. But the problem lies in more that I can’t take a break without feeling horrible for doing so.
And I think I would feel the same way if I sent the kids to respite. The idea stresses me out.
I’m losing my mind, right?
July 24th, 2007 at 2:29 pm
I wish I knew what to do, but I beat myself up constantly too. I think something about being a single mom makes us put impossible standards on ourselves — we know we have to do it all because there’s no one else, and somehow we internalize that we’re also supposed to do it all perfectly. And I only have one kid, so as overwhelmed as I feel, I know you feel it times five.
July 24th, 2007 at 3:04 pm
Sounds like you are a pretty normal mom to me. No matter how many compliments we get, we keep beating ourselves up. How do we get out of the cycle? I was thinking the other day that it probably won’t be until it’s too late. Until the kids are grown and we say, “What the hell did I spend so much time cleaning for?”. Alas.. this is a a journey, not a destination, keep remembering that. It will never get all done, but we can have fun on the way. Best of luck, mom.
July 24th, 2007 at 3:07 pm
you need to look at in a different life. Your doing the kids a favor if you get time away, Im sure they sometimes notice your stressed. If your frustrated and need time away then do so, you’ll come back refreshed.
July 24th, 2007 at 3:07 pm
I’m not sure what advice I can give without really knowing the ins and outs of your personal situation. If it were me, I probably wouldn’t have so many kids in the house in the first place, as we struggle just trying to juggle our business and the needs of ONE kid. If you have respite available, though, I would definitely use it and not feel guilty. Our lack of respite, I think, is one of the reasons why we are getting so tired and frustrated with our daughter right now.
July 24th, 2007 at 3:41 pm
I understand. (((hugs)))
July 24th, 2007 at 4:25 pm
I would suggest respite, also. You need it. Period. Instead of feeling guilty, tell yourself that it is better for the kids int he long-run. If you are getting this anxioius and frustrated, you need to get yourself a break …. and fast. I also agree that maybe you have too many kiddos at one time. This could be very negative on them as well as you. I understand it’s not easy, but you need to take a step back and slap some sense into yourself. Ask yourself what you are really doing. Adopting Izzy is an exciting thing, but it was also a huge decision and I think that you needed to evaluate the situation you already had. I am NOT saying that you didn’t already do this, but if things are this bad, then something needs to be done.
July 24th, 2007 at 4:33 pm
Just so we are clear:
My kids are my kids until the court says otherwise. I would never suggest to a stressed out bio-mom that perhaps she has too many kids. Reducing the number of children in this home is not an option. Period. I am 100% committed to seeing Bubba, Snowbay, Izzy and Callie through to permanency. After that, I am not sure what I will do.
I really don’t think the issue is # of kid related though. It is a more an issue of my mental attitude, my guilt, my self-esteem, etc. I’m not stressed out by the number of things that I have to do for them, I am stressed out that I can’t do more, be more, have more, give more.
July 24th, 2007 at 4:58 pm
You’re experincing the severe downside of having a giving personality. You want to continue to give untill you have nothing left. You can’t imagine that you might ever run out. But you are a person, not a vending machine. Try to think of something self affirming that you can do every day.
I don’t know what will work for you, maybe a mantra? “My family loves me as I am” or somesuch. Maybe attaching a bit of pride to each accomplishment? “Look at those clean pants! I did that!” Or keep a journal that is just 5 things you are proud that you did that day.
These all sound cheezy, but getting yourself to notice all the things you are doing, will help pull your attention off the things you’re not.
I’ll be thinking of you.
July 24th, 2007 at 5:24 pm
I wish I could give you a hug and help out with the chaos.
July 24th, 2007 at 6:21 pm
I hear what you are saying. I have six kids and it isn’t easy, but when people give me kudos it makes me crazy, because I am so far from perfect it isn’t even funny!
I don’t know that I would use respite unless you know the provider well. Most of our issues right now are entirely due to respite (but our case is B.S. CRAZY like you wouldn’t even believe!)
Just hang in there. Even imperfect housework, budgeting, work, etc. is a blessing to your kids. You ARE doing a good job.
I liked V’s advice above about keeping a list of all the things you are proud of…where you put your energy and attention will grow.
July 24th, 2007 at 7:36 pm
Can you use respite care? I think a weekend alone would do you a world of good… taking care of you would help the kids too.
The house stuff- do you have a chore wheel or something for the big kids? Sounds like they are old enough that one should do laundry, one should clean kitchen/bathroom, one should be able to dust/vaccuum the house- at least that way the “public” parts of your house could be kept neater… You may already be doing that- but just an idea.
Good luck!
July 24th, 2007 at 7:39 pm
I could never take respite. For me, the fallout before and after weren’t worth it.
I’m telling you - move here, woman!
July 24th, 2007 at 7:40 pm
I don’t know if I could do what you’re doing. For the most part, I have the authority to go with the responsibility and it makes a huge difference.
I think you nailed it when you said you’re harder on yourself than anyone else is. (I think that’s what you were saying).
My method (such as it is) is to assign priorities. How important is the thing I’m obsessing over? What must I do, should I do, and what can I let slide?
And, most important, what am I doing for them that they could darn well do for themselves?
July 24th, 2007 at 7:47 pm
I think the first thing you should do is give yourself credit.
Mothers have it hard - they have to prepare everything, plan everything, make sure it doesn’t all fall to pieces and pick it all up if it does.
Many mothers also have the issue of being breadwinners, so you have to also throw into the mix getting enough clients, getting enough jobs, getting paid and making sure the list above is not too stressed by the needs of this list.
Add to the mix that you have 5 children in your care, 3 of those teens or pre-teens and the other 2 very young - 4 of them have only come into your care over the last year and all of them have emotional baggage anyone would feel a burden as an adult - and you are trying to be the adult, the ONLY adult for them.
That is not even taking into account the little intricacies of each and every case, or the GEO situation - it is great he is being supportive now, but you also have that little keg that while you enjoy having backup he cannot be your full time guaranteed backup (and no disrespect to G on that, just what I have read on and between the lines)…
Give yourself a break. Any one of those things will stress a mother.
If you cannot consider respite (and I know you have attempted with the aides and how dismal that was) than maybe give yourselves adventures that count as mini-breaks for you. Take a picnic to the park and sit on a blanket while they just be kids (without messing up the house)!!
Get a cleaner. Get on to FCA for that money. Have a bath and reward yourself.
July 24th, 2007 at 7:47 pm
I don’t feel comfortable sending the kids to respite. I would be sending them to stay with people I don’t know and they don’t know. And the younger two would have no idea why they were going. I don’t feel comfortable handing them off to strangers, especially because they would be split up.
July 24th, 2007 at 9:28 pm
I am not a foster mom and can’t even imagine how much harder that is then non foster mom. I read this blog and always leave admiring how much you do. You are doubting yourself because you are tired and I know when I get tired I tend to second guess and feel crappy about everything in my life. Maybe when you think of why you do this and how much those kids benefit from you write it down. One word, two words or a sentence taped to your mirror. Then you won’t beat yourself up. Just an idea.
As far as a break. I don’t know. I’ve tried myself having people come in and help me entertain kids or fold laundry while I do something else and it is always a disaster. Never goes as I imagine.
July 24th, 2007 at 10:46 pm
I understand. Please email me, I have some questions that you may not be comfortable answering here.
July 25th, 2007 at 12:23 am
Oh sweetie. You have got to learn to cut yourself a break. But I know that you know that, that’s what your post is saying. I wish I knew how to help you do that.
Something I do when I feel like a bad money manager is I google “Living Wage.” They have a little calculator that will actually tell you how much money you need to live in your town with your size of family. It actually made me feel better years ago to realize we flat out didn’t make enough money, it wasn’t just that I was a loser.
July 25th, 2007 at 12:54 am
While I understand your desire to give, it’s hard to see how you are going to feel better about yourself if you make decisions that are virtually guaranteed to keep the pressures in your life high.
Of course, everyone hopes that no one has more biological children than she can support emotionally and financially. But intentionally choosing to add more special needs children into an already-stressed situation isn’t a good way to create a positive outcome for anyone. When you are already stressed with one, two or three special needs kids, choosing to add more can only limit your ability to meet each child’s needs and increase your own pressures and problems. Sometimes the right answer is No.
Similarly, I am confused by your financial choices. When money was tight, I didn’t own an iPod (much less $400 worth of music); cable TV wasn’t even on the radar; we didn’t buy new hardback books; and no way would a cent have been spent on high-priced shows, much less parking and travel costs of $100; there were no expensive haircuts or spa visits and we certainly didn’t buy fireworks or other unneeded extras.
We used the library, went to parks, saw town fireworks and went to free community events. Birthdays were times for special moments with the brithday person — not reasons to blow the budget. It’s amazing how far you can stretch money if you are just buying what you need instead of what you want — and it’s amazing how much less stressful a life can be if you make the need choices instead of the want choices. The positive payoff for everyone is huge.
Self-esteem comes with maturity and learning to make choices that decrease pressures in life. Sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself is to take a good long look at the choices you are making and ask yourself how they are helping to make your life work well.
July 25th, 2007 at 1:51 am
Perhaps you could try the “good enough” philosophy. As in “perfect is the enemy of good enough.” Your kids are loved, fed, clothed, entertained, housed, listened to, educated, taken care of in every essential way. Just that is a tall order for any 5 kids, let alone special needs kids.
Heck, I’m totally worn out just from dealing with my 2 very challenging children.
You are doing your best and it’s more than good enough.
July 25th, 2007 at 2:46 am
I know now that you dont live in domestic goddess fantasy land. And you probably make parental mistakes too and girl you do a fucking awesome job!!!!!!!!! Come on if someone from the other site of the world takes tiem to say so (while she needs to clean the house) it must be true!!!!!!!!I am in awe…
July 25th, 2007 at 7:47 am
Wow, Devon - the air must be thin up there on your high horse.
Baggage is going through an adjustment period, financially and emotionally. She vented that here. Do you think she doesn’t know that she could do better financially? Couldn’t most of us? But you also don’t understand the need to provide our kids with enriched opportunities. You can’t expect them to suck it up for the team when they just joined the team. And who are you to begrudge her $18 worth of Harry Potter?
As far as taking on more kids than she can handle - she never said she took on more than she could handle. She just said it was hard and that it wasn’t flowing like she wanted this week. And she was talking about adjusting her own expectations. What she does is amazing, clearly her calling. But everyone with a calling goes through periods of questioning and adjusting.
July 25th, 2007 at 7:54 am
Baggage, you rock. I’ve been where your are, and still go there on some days. Even with one kid and tons of money, people have good days and bad. The “groove” will develop. Keep up the good work.
peace out.
July 25th, 2007 at 7:56 am
Sorry for the rude remark, but I was responding emotionally. We all just try to do what is best for our foster and adoptive kids.
July 25th, 2007 at 9:37 am
Man some people are just plain rude. From what little I know of you thru your blog, you do an awesome job for these kids! I love reading every day, the struggles, the joys, the laughs and even the money woes. Just cause you “chose” this many kids, doesnt mean you dont deserve a rant or vent now and then. We have a large family also and some days its way tighter than I ever want to admit but with Gods help we make it. Hang in there Baggage and keep your chin up, you do so well for t hese kids of yours. And yes they are all yours!
July 25th, 2007 at 2:31 pm
Being a good mom is what makes you feel this way. If you were a crappy mom, then you wouldn’t care. So the way you are feeling really just speaks to how great a job you are doing.
You need a break, physically and emotionally. I understand your not wanting to do respite, but you have to find some way to take time for yourself. A babysitter you trust? Geo? Or even just putting them all to bed and going to the other end of the house. The emotional part is much tougher. You have to learn to let go of the things that don’t really matter - like whether or not your bed is made. I mean, come on, you’re just going to get back in it at night anyway
.
July 27th, 2007 at 8:10 pm
Mmm. I can sympathise.
I read the next few posts before this one, so I know you felt defensive about suggestions of respite, but I think that even doing swimmingly well, you need a break. You really really need some time to you. With NO projects and NO blogging (or maybe blogging from a beach or a coffeeshop).
I think we blame ourselves, because if we are responsible we have control. Even if we feel we are not doing a good enough job, we still feel like it was our job to do it better, or possible to do it all, or whatever, and that gives us this comforting illusion of control. Less scary than the idea that it is out of our control. But along with that illusion comes the reality that we just can’t do it all, and then the guilt and stress and all… I’ll call you if I find a cure for this! ;D I have it myself.
One thing I did when I felt like you sound here, is every thing I accomplished or did, I wrote down on a paper on my fridge. It felt like a success to accomplish those things, and a reassurance that I wasn’t “doing nothing” and that if I didn’t get everything done, dang that list of what I DID do (even if it was “catching up with good friend on phone: maintaining social ties”) proved I was no slacker, proved that I had effectively used the hours in a day. Write down “changed three diapers, coached Bubba on using correct pronouns in his speech, wiped down six kitchen chairs and clipped Baby’s fingernails, 3 hours of blogging, 4 hours of reading a book and reviewing it on blog, called my mom to see how she’s feeling” You’ll be astounded by how much you do in a day, even if if it is 5 “projects” not 10.
Also, I highly recommend the Feeling Good book by David Burns: it gets you to write down all your negative self talk. Write it down, one thought under the next. Beside it write if each is actually a real truth or not. Then beside each one write a more realistic assessment, and then something positive: “I never get anything done” “untrue” “I did a lot today but I didn’t everything I’d hoped done” “I accomplish a lot and I can do more tomorrow”
It is incredible how something so simple can change the direction of a downward self-critical spiral. I can say from experience it really really helped me.
hugs
July 27th, 2007 at 10:45 pm
Oh my. I just read the comments. Sorry I suggested respite after reading these. It makes total sense that it is more trouble than it is worth. I do think maybe you could make a Mom Allowance, like the kids. Pay yourself for particular tasks or sacrifices for the kids in little things like candles in the bath, or your favorite cookies or something that is a little special… for YOU. And maybe if it is “earned” and you can see it is rewards for specific things you did and gave, then you will feel less guilty and more worthy and justified in those Me things, and enjoy them more. I dunno. Just a suggestion after thinking about your system for your kids and their chores and all.
And boy oh boy, I cannot believe Holly apologized for her rudeness. That Devon. Boy oh boy. 1) often when someone has things above what you would expect, it is because they got them in some way you don’t know. When I was impoverished, friends and family treated me at birthdays, or just because. And gave me their old stereo when they got a new one, and gave me their fridge when they moved into a furnished apartment etc. And I ended up with some great shit that I could never have bought myself. and 2) when you scrimp and save and eat peanut butter and put an egg and oat bran in lipton noodle soup on sale and call it supper, well, when you get a little $, you treat yourself. Cuz when everything sucks, the house isn’t insulated well, you can’t afford good food or new clothes, or proper heating, well, a new walkman can make your day for the next five years. I know. I bought a walkman when I got a student loan once and I was so depressed. And I listened to Purple Rain for four years over and over. And I bought a SLR camera once when I was so broke but a friend hired me for a oneoff job. And even when I couldn’t buy film, I had that camera, and have had it for 18 years now.
And that is why incredibly impoverished people get a tv or a stereo instead of buying butter or fixing the toilet. Because it makes them feel human. And that is worth more than anything.
Maybe Devon would like to go “help” poor people in real life and give them advice. I bet it would win him or her a lot of friends and thankful people.