Answer to Aurelia
Aurelia asked:
Baggage, you seem to have discussed Izzy and Callie at length, but not
mentioned Bug.How does Bug feel about this? Reality is that Callie could leave
tomorrow, but Bug is your daughter forever and how she and Izzy get along is
critical if you are going to actually adopt her, because it makes her
and Bug legally related forever as well.I’m also curious if this is how she acts in other foster care
situations. Obviously she’s trying to impress you, but she must have some
faults…what do her current and previous foster parents say?
First, Callie’s case plan goal is termination. Most likely Callie will stay here as a long-term foster placement until she ages out unless she changes her mind about wanting to be adopted.
Bug actually knows Izzy. They are from the same town. They share(d) the same caseworker. In a weird twist of fate kind of thing, at one point, Bug’s biomom babysat for Izzy. And Izzy has some relatives who are foster parents. These relatives never fostered Izzy because of their relationship with Izzy’s parents, but Izzy’s relatives were Bug’s foster parents at one time.
Ok, got all that? Anyway, Bug was the first person I asked about the placement possibility. She was excited and she gets along with Izzy quite well. Izzy likes a lot of the same things Bug does (High School Musical, etc.) and Callie thinks those things are childish. Callie gets very annoyed by Bug, but Izzy is more patient and more willing to engage Bug.
Bug was very sad when Izzy left and wanted to know when she could come back. Bug is very excited about the adoption placement. She met with her therapist today and he told me that Bug relayed the same sentiment to him.
As far as Izzy’s previous behavior, she has been in one foster home the entire time she was in foster care (3+ years). The foster parents care very deeply for her and Alex, but they are both 75 years old and do not want to adopt any children. Izzy calls them Grandma and Grandpa and that is the relationship they had, not mom/dad type relationship.
Izzy has never had behavior issues in her foster home. Her foster mom made a point of telling me that she could leave money laying around and Izzy would not touch it. Izzy’s case file mentions two behavior incidents..one was that she wrote a letter to another boy that had some “inappropriate” content, although after I heard what she said, it seems very typical for a teenage girl. One was that she got suspended from school because two girls had been picking on her. She told the principal but he just told her to ignore them. The girls jumped her in the bathroom and because Izzy defended herself, she got suspended too.
I’m certain she does have faults, considering she is a human kid 
But the behavior she displayed here seems very much in line from all the reports I’ve read.
Izzy’s SW was going to talk to her today and then we will talk tomorrow to see how we should proceed.
July 2nd, 2007 at 9:22 pm
You obviously don’t need anyone to defend your choices for your family but I so feel the need to chime in here when it comes to Izzy. Again, I base these comments on my experience working with people with MR/DD.
Izzy most likely has the constant need to impress – period. It’s not because of the foster placement. Odds are that she would act them same if she were with her biological family her entire life. She would constantly remind them of her abilities (“Look, I swept the floor.” “I cleaned my room.” “I’m good at washing the dishes, aren’t I?”) People with developmental disabilities, especially those with higher cognitive functioning, have a habit of reinforcing to others that they are good at various tasks. 1) It gives them a chance to receive positive feedback from the world around them and 2) It allows them to overshadow those areas in which they may not exhibit appropriate ability. For example, take a kid of average intelligence. He doesn’t do well academically. He’s a great athlete. Does he go on about his math class? No, he talks about gym class. So too do people w/ MR/DD. Many of the strong abilities that Izzy shows were no doubt learned in a structured setting. Daily living skills are a hell of a lot more important than whether you can name the 50 states! More importantly, individuals with borderline intellectual functioning have the unfortunate case of KNOWING that they aren’t on the same level as their peers. Sadly, they are often taken advantage of because of this strong desire to impress and fit in. They may not have the developmental skills to understand appropriate social behavior. (I wouldn’t be surprised if Izzy often repeats the same conversations or repeats the same conversational topics. With a limited social repertoire, you stick with what you know!)
Sorry to highjack the comments section, Baggage. I had actually wanted to mention this before when folks were asking about Izzy’s “need to impress.” I’m definitely glad to hear things are going well. Hopefully, everyone will continue to get acquainted and things will stay positive!
July 2nd, 2007 at 9:48 pm
Thanks Baggage, you’ve filled in a lot of blanks for me. I didn’t realize Bug and Izzy knew each other from before. (Did you mention that and I missed it?) Regular readers of your blog, or mine know that I am adopted (baaaad experience) and so I am always curious about the process that goes on around the adoption of a child. And sometimes I ask pretty pointed questions just cause I’m really DYING to know.
I mentioned the impressing part, just because I know there is a honeymoon phase for foster care. I did know about the developmental disability affecting that as well possibly.
That’s interesting that Callie might age out of the system without ever being adopted. I had assumed that her parents rights had been severed, so she would be left with no family. Which is kind of sad…
July 3rd, 2007 at 9:26 am
Aurelia,
At this point, the court hasn’t legally terminated Callie’s mom’s rights, although that is the plan. Callie, at this point, is not sure whether she wants to be adopted. A child her age has the option to decide whether that is something they are interested in. If they say no, then the SW’s go with that.
July 3rd, 2007 at 10:10 am
They all seem like such great kids! You must have taught Bug so much since you’ve had her, for her to be so accepting of the other kids and happy to share her home with them! She must feel confident that you have enough love for everyone!
July 3rd, 2007 at 3:14 pm
Ahhh, I see!
July 3rd, 2007 at 10:02 pm
WAhoo again! Well, thanks, that was much more info we didn’t have before. I was just concerned as I have a horrid track record (with men not kids, but I think they sort of qualified as fostering with a look to adopt. Really I gotta pick more mature ones who don’t need a mother) and I hadn’t heard any of the good stuff about Bug and Izzy… just that she was so surprised that you actually WOULD adopt another kid, since of course she was the first and the best.
OK, now I can stop being worried for Bug (geesh I feel protective of her) and just be enthusiastic. YAY and CONGRATULATIONS on your new family member to be! I am assuming you’ll know very soon whether she wants another trial visit or will be moving into your place asap?? I am so relieved that she has had good foster experiences in the past too… sounds like you have a great new daughter there. I just wish for you enough to go around and more so. More money, more help from the VA services, better personal health, more help from everyone around you, well, just enough to go around so that your life can be as big as your heart and your passions without wearing you down and dragging you down. A great lovelife and committed boyfriend/father to the kids wouldn’t hurt either. At least you already have the BDH! hugs.