What to do.
A profile was presented to me regarding an older teenager who needs an adoptive placement.
The girl wants very very badly to be adopted. Her time is running out.
She has an IQ which can be classified as mild mental retardation and is very high functioning. No behavioral problems, no medical issues, no other diagnosis.
She wants a family before it is too late.
Ever since we heard about her, Callie has been BEGGING me to get her. She wants a girl her age. Bug thinks it is a good idea. I don’t think my mom thinks it is a good idea and Geo doesn’t think it is.
Having Callie around has helped a lot. Bug’s behavior is a lot better. I enjoy having Callie around to talk to. She keeps her things neat, she picks up the house, and although she has a bit of teenage angst, she is generally no trouble. From what I gather, this new girl is quite similar to Callie except that I would venture to say that Callie has a rather high IQ.
While I think some of Geo’s points are valid…When will this girl be able to live on her own? Can I provide for her money wise once her subsidy ends if she is not able to move out right away? Can I continue to work on the disabilities that the other children have if I add one more?…I am very much drawn to this girl and her situation.
It is strange for me to feel this way, because in all honesty, I want a baby very badly. Several of my blog friends have gotten babies in the past few weeks and that has made me start thinking about it again. I don’t know how I would get a baby, or if it is at all practical. And part of me feels selfish for wanting a baby, when there is a girl already here who wants a family so very badly.
This one needs some more thought.
June 20th, 2007 at 9:47 pm
Is there any kind of rule that the state has about how many children are you may have/foster/adopt at one time in your household? If so, would adding the new girl keep you from getting a baby if one needed placement?
I can’t imagine having four or five but that is just me. I am so proud of you for making a home for these little ones.
I am certain you will make the right decision about what is best for your family.
June 20th, 2007 at 10:13 pm
Your heart is so big, I can tell you just feel ready to love and accept any kid who comes along, whether its “practical” or not!
Its a huge decision to make!
If she has mild developmental delays, you may be able to get social security for her and/or get her into an independent living program when she’s older, if that helps! I had a co-worker who was a young woman with a very low IQ and she was in a wonderful independent living program. They lived in “dorms” and took classes, on academic things as well as things like life skills, and eventually got transitioned into their own apartments but still got services.
Good luck! Keep us posted!
June 20th, 2007 at 10:24 pm
We will be here for you no matter what you decide!! I like you really want a baby, but I also tend to feel drawn and connected to the older ones.
Good Luck hon!!
June 20th, 2007 at 11:13 pm
Good Luck making your decision - it’s not easy.
Any kid would be lucky to have you for a Mom.
June 21st, 2007 at 7:42 am
My first thought was along the line of Geo’s - will she ever be able to live on her own, can you afford to keep her at home if the state’s money runs out. That’s the practical side of things, if you feel comfortable with whatever those answers are, it boils down to whether YOU want her or not.
It’s a hard decision, I wish you the best of luck in making it.
June 21st, 2007 at 8:13 am
I would be very cautious about taking an adoptive placement with disabilities that may prevent her living independently after she turns 18.
It’s possible she might be immediately eligible for SSI once she turns 18, if her disability is severe enough. However, I’d still be careful about this one. Seems like you have enough financial problems as it is.
June 21st, 2007 at 8:30 am
My husband and I were foster parents with the hopes of adopting many years ago. It was so hard NOT to take every child that came along. I said I only wanted young “toddlers and under” ones at first. Then I took a teenager and we were blessed. We only planned to adopt one time and the grandparents showed up out of nowhere and took her away from us. It was very sad.
I have no advice for you except that I know the “tug” on your heartstrings. I also know that sometimes you have to wait and let some of them go elsewhere in the system.
Blessings to you for wanting to reach out. If it were me, looking back, I’d probably trust that someone will come along for this young lady and that your heart is telling you to hold out for a younger child.
:-) Susan
June 21st, 2007 at 9:11 am
Go with your gut (or your heart). If she is meant to live with you, it will work out. Can she visit a few times before you make a decision? Do you know what is happening yet with Snowbaby and Bubba? If they go back to their birth parents, you will have three teenage girls, a couple of whom might love to have a baby around. I don’t think you are cutting yourself off from having a baby placed with you eventually but I don’t know your state’s rules. Good luck! Either way, you are doing a great job with your kids. Your love for them is very evident.
June 21st, 2007 at 9:17 am
Here are my two cents, FWIW,
I’ve spent the past decade working as a client advocate for and with adults with mental retardation and developmental disabilities. Some also have dual diagnoses (some kind of mental illness also). I would think long and hard about deciding to take this on. Regardless of how “high functioning” the child is, MR is still a challenging prospect. Do you know why she has MR? (traumatic brain injury in birth or during childhood; genetic abnormality (Down Syndrome, Prader-Wili, etc.) That is helpful in predicting future outcomes.
In the end though, if you decide to pursue adoption, there are great programs out there that can help! I’m not talking institutionalization (although I do work at a large state-run facility) but there are Home and Community Based Services (HCBS). (You’re probably already familiar with this.) She could receive services in your home, job coaches in the community, etc. I’ve worked with individuals in the community where we prepared them to live in more integrated settings – community homes, group homes, supported apartments, etc. – depending on their level of ability.
You wouldn’t necessarily be on your own financially either as she could receive Medicaid, SSI and other state / federal funds. AAMR.org is a great place to start. (It’s the American Association on Intellectual and Developmental Disabilities but used to be AAMR). Also, United Cerebral Palsy (they do more than just CP).
Sorry to get on a long rant but MR/DD is my passion! If I could be of any help or you’d like more info, feel free to ask
June 21st, 2007 at 10:14 am
Good luck with your decisions. And as for Callie you guys are still in the honeymoon phase, hopefully things won’t change dramatically once that part is over.
June 21st, 2007 at 11:03 am
I’m really glad things are going as well as they are that you are even willing to consider more kids. Your heart is generous and loving, but can your pocketbook be? Can you try it for a short time, like a weekend or something? I know that sounds weird, but what if she gets in your home and decides she doesn’t really like babies or thinks Callie is a threat? Respite! Thats the word, can you do respite for her and see how it works. I think a baby is in your future but this one may be grown and gone by that time.
June 21st, 2007 at 12:19 pm
I wonder if she qualifies for the medicaid waiver program in your state? If so, the waiver is a life long program and would be very helpful. If she doesn’t have any behavior problems, I really don’t see why you couldn’t adopt a baby in the future. Good luck and of course you know I will support you in whatever decision you make.
June 21st, 2007 at 12:40 pm
I really respect your hard work with all your kids, and I think you have a heart full of so much love that you want to take on any and every challenge for any kid. That said, I think you’ve got to be cautious, for your sake and Bug’s sake, before you move towards an adoption like this. You’re going to be facing college costs in what, six years, and you’ve been saddled with money woes because of the service limitations where you are. Maybe you need to let concern for the kids you have right now filter what you think you can do for others?
June 21st, 2007 at 3:07 pm
Don’t want to offer advice- just let you know I am thinking about you as you consider this- it is a tough decision.
June 21st, 2007 at 10:03 pm
Hiya.
You know what my gut feeling is?
don’t do it.
This is a lifelong responsibility for another adult. I have a cousin who is highfunctioning, lived in a group home, had a job etc. And she is a very large responsibility for her two siblings and her two parents in a stable married relationship. Behaviour problems have increased with age (she is now in her early 40’s) not decreased.
This just gives me a bad gut feeling. As I have mostly been reading posts that you are overextended already, emotionally, healthwise, resources, financially, timewise. If you were swimming in cash, had longterm financial stability (I am talking about to your retirement), lots of services within half hour drive or less, a large extended committed family or social group and settled family life so you had all sorts of extra time and energy to take on a young adult with all that will entail (moving out, so dealing with her not under your own roof, employment, job training, etc etc), I would say go for it.
But I think you have SOOO much on your plate now.
There, bad me for giving my two cents worth. But I agree with Lise. You are a wonderful wonderful person willing to extend yourself and spread yourself so thin if it can help one more soul. But sometimes you should listen to your body. You know I will support you if you decide to do it though.
Peace.
June 22nd, 2007 at 8:43 am
I noticed that you said that “she really wants to be adopted,” but you didn’t say “I really want to adopt her.” You are such a caring, generous person & you want to help so many children & fulfill their dreams. You are doing enough (maybe too much by some standards). My two cents: focus on the little beans you have (you’re doing great with them even with the financial and emotional struggles). And later consider what you did say you want in the future: a baby.
As far as the mental retardation goes, it may be a struggle living with her due to comprehension issues. And finding placements in the day programs/group homes/independent living is challenging since the demand far outpaces the supply, especially in rural areas (not sure where you are).
Best of luck!
June 22nd, 2007 at 2:13 pm
No advice except to say that I’ve been thinking of you for days with this.
I wonder if getting her would only put off a few years you getting a baby. Then potentially, you’d have a couple adults in the household, which would be a benefit.
June 22nd, 2007 at 3:56 pm
i second what cluttergirl said.
June 27th, 2007 at 7:39 am
No advice, just love and good thoughts.