Feeling strong and falling apart
Having a diagnosis for Bug, especially one that I believe to be accurate, has been somewhat helpful to me.
It makes me feel like I have new things I can try (since the old things obviously aren’t working great). Reading stories and articles that talk about other parents and their struggles makes me feel better. I feel empowered to help Bug. I feel like I have a better idea of what I can do and how to do it. I’ve been reading, bookmarking, reaching out to those I know who can help her.
Despite this, I feel like utter shit, folks.
I have had a sinus infection since the dawn of time. If I bend over to pick up Snowbaby, my head feels like it is going to fall off. I have a to-do list the size of Montana. Luckily, Dad has been coming over and cleaning and Mom has been listening to my ranting.
But I’m sick. I’m exhuasted in every way a person can be exhausted. My mucles are so sore. I feel like someone beat the crap out of me. I’m doing my best to take care of myself, forcing myself to eat, trying to sleep but the nightmares are keeping me up. If they aren’t, Bubba’s continual coughing in the next room is.
What I need to do is take my blanket and Snowbaby and a large cup of tea and curl on the couch and watch my Grey’s Anatomy DVDs.
I know. I’m the captain of this ship. The pilot of this airplane. Take care of me first.
Except of course, I don’t have time to take care of myself. The baby is sick, Bubba has a bad cough, my room is so messy I can’t barely walk into it, and my bank account is empty. Did I mention that I find it nearly impossible to work right now? I can’t work. I can’t think. I can’t breathe. I’ve been sitting at my computer for two hours thinking: I MUST WORK TODAY. But when I start to work, my mind goes off to something else and then my timer goes off and I didn’t get anything done. Nothing.
I want my girls back home. I want my babies to feel better. I want this horrid pain in my shoulder to go away and I want to be able to pass air through my nostrils. I want money in my bank account. I want to be able to talk to my daughters without giving someone a code number and without a five minute timer going off.
This concludes this vent.
April 27th, 2007 at 11:06 am
hey sweetie, this is what respite care and the other ‘helping out’ services are for–i’d give the appropriate party a call and see if they can arrange an afternoon of childcare for you. (heck bio parents and adoptive parents and foster parents all need to recharge sometimes–my parents would takeme and my sister to the grandparents…
then call dad or someone to come over and clean. and you should have a hot bath (or do whatever relaxes you), eat some of your favorite food, and then rest. rest will do wonders!!!
sending lots of good vibes and big hugs. you are doing great. but as my friend told me last night “always remember to put on your own oxygen mask before assisting those traveling with you.”
April 27th, 2007 at 11:14 am
Unfortunately, I can’t get respite on this short of notice. And even if I could, I think it would be really really hard on Bubba and Snowbaby who are already upset about Bug and Butterfly not being here because they don’t understand. Snowbaby doesn’t understand at all and Bubba is confused as to why they’ve been at the doctor so long. I don’t want to leave them with a stranger during this time.
And like I said, even if I could rest, I can’t, because there is therapy with Bug in an hour, and if I don’t do some work, my problems will start to get even bigger than they are right now.
Which is why my life kind of blows right now. Bleh.
April 27th, 2007 at 11:17 am
Take care Baggage, with all the stressors you are facing right now, I’m not surprised that you are sick. Along with that respite care, go to the Dr. and get some antibiotics and puffers or flovent nasal spray. You’ll feel better really really quick.
April 27th, 2007 at 11:19 am
Okay, I just saw the response, well, at least go to a Doctor, okay? (And as much as we love hearing from you, deal with work instead of blogging, sweetie. We’ll still be hear when you get back, I swear!)
April 27th, 2007 at 11:26 am
Although this of no actual help to you, I wish I lived nearby so I could send my 14 year old over for the afternoon so you could rest. Is there no teens nearby, or girl scouts needing to work on a child care badge? Just to get 1 or 2 hours rest?
I feel for you, I just got over the sinus infection thing. Nasty stuff.
April 27th, 2007 at 11:39 am
Is there no one who can help? You sound like you’re on the ragged edge. I know this sounds phony but I really wish I were your neighbor. On my block, most of us help each other.
April 27th, 2007 at 11:47 am
Is it at all possible even just to get one of your parents to come over for a day and look after Bubba and Snowbaby in your home for six hours or so? Just to give you come breathing space to work undestracted, to sleep, to watch Grey’s Anatomy or anything?
April 27th, 2007 at 12:16 pm
I know you are not going to go do any of the above mentioned ideas, as good as they are. You are like me, rant about not being able to have a break, but unwilling to give yourself one at the expense of others, especially your babies. You’ll suffer through it, knowing eventually it will get better. I hope you don’t pass out or get fired in the meantime. PS. I really doubt I would put on my own oxygen mask first.
April 27th, 2007 at 1:11 pm
You poor darling.
you at least need to get hold of a doctor and get some meds for the sinus infection. I surely wish I could help.
April 27th, 2007 at 1:53 pm
Having had a three-week sinus infection this February, I really hope you get better soon; they’re a huge pain.
I don’t know what you’re doing for it, but a *lot* of hot tea combined with those bottles you squirt into your nose and Mucinex helped mine clear up. Oh, and hot cloths (microwave a wet one, even) over the face are great! These are things that shouldn’t take too much time away from your priorities, if you can get someone to bring you the medicines.
April 27th, 2007 at 2:32 pm
I wish I had something helpful to say, but I don’t. I’m just sorry.
April 27th, 2007 at 3:53 pm
I know it doesn’t solve anything, but just know that there are so many people out here reading and caring about you, wishing for the best for you and your kids. You do such a great job taking care of those little guys, just try to take some time to take care of you. I hope you feel better soon, I really do.
April 27th, 2007 at 5:08 pm
Hi sweet Baggage- I haven’t been over here in a few weeks and am just now catching up. I am wishing you all the best,and sending up some prayers for you and the girls, and your entire family. Now go get some rest
Take care,
April 27th, 2007 at 6:50 pm
I was also relieved and very disappointed to get the results of the psych evals on my kids. I have several recently dx’d with RAD. I wish you well.
April 27th, 2007 at 7:01 pm
Get better soon, Baggage plus babies.
And I totally understand the mixture of relief and sadness as it pertains to Bug. I think if anyone can do it, you can.
April 27th, 2007 at 7:21 pm
So sorry. I hope it gets better soon. I am thinking of you all.
April 27th, 2007 at 8:08 pm
Do you have a funny, uplifting friend that could come over and hang out with you and the kids? Maybe that would allow you some time to yourself, without the kids missing you. It is only human to need some alone time to re-energize. Timed phone calls, no privacy…you are right that it sucks! This will indeed make you all stronger so hang in there! Sending hugs your way.
April 27th, 2007 at 8:57 pm
If you’re not getting work done anyway, maybe you should curl up on the couch with tea, blanket and Snowbaby to watch Grey’s.
I hope you feel better soon. Being sick is bad enough, but with sick kids too it’s awful!
April 28th, 2007 at 12:37 am
I am so sorry. Your strength and selflessness you have shown through this whole thing amazes me. In the years that I have known you your strength is only outmatched by the next thing you do.
April 28th, 2007 at 1:36 am
Me too I wish I lived closer. I’d totally come over and help out. I really hope that you get some help, and get some work done so you can stop stressing a wee bit, and that will put some $ in the bank, and I hope your girls come home REAL soon… bet the house is WAY too quiet without them!!
hugs.
ps, are you using that sinus cleaning pot thingie? Wasn’t it you whom it was recommended to??
May 1st, 2007 at 11:10 am
Ugh- so much at once- on RAD- I found the online courses on Attachment are really good information- and they are cheap- http://www.fosterparentstest.com/store/index.htm
hope it helps!