Anger
Whenever Bug goes a little nuts, like last night, when she bangs her head into walls and insists she has the right to cut off her arm..when she screams that I’m a Bitch and that she hates me, Geo usually will say to me that perhaps Bug can not handle having the other kids around.
And I suppose I see where he is coming from.
Because Bug’s rages and anger have increased dramatically since they have been here. I’ve chalked it up to jealousy, over having to share Mom, over having to share personal belongings. I’ve adjusted bedtimes, switched rooms, scheduled special time…nothing worked.
It has taken almost two months, but Bug and I have finally gotten to the core of why she is so damn angry.
Because everyone in this house gets to see their family except her.
Now nevermind that she understands the circumstances. Nevermind that she is insisting on seeing a relative that she has never met.
But everyone gets to see biological family members except her.
We are slowly working through it. Bug sometimes still holds onto a fantasy image of her mother. In her mind, her mom might be able to get her terminated rights back, because Bug is sure that her mom is off drugs and out of trouble and has a good job.
I wish I could say that is true.
Bug is also angry because she is old enough to see Butterfly’s Mom and form her own opinion. She’s always making comments after we drop the kids off like, “She just lied, Mom!” or “Why didn’t she do _________ like she said she would?” or “How come she didn’t even bring ________ to the visit??”
She hears Butterfly insist that her Mom has gotten a three story house and filled it with canopy beds, brand new clothes, and all the newest game systems.
And Bug knows the truth.
And Bug hates the truth. Bug hates that she sees her mother in their mother. Bug wants so badly to blame someone else. She wants to blame the social workers, the judges, the lawyers. She wants to insist that she was never allowed visitation. That she was never allowed phone calls. That she was never allowed a chance to speak to a lawyer.
Because when it boils down to it, Bug is getting old enough to realize that she did not go home because of her mother. Not because of anyone else. Because of her mother.
And damn. DAMN.
What can she do? She can scream at the top of her lungs and bang her head into the wall but it is not going to change it.
Butterfly can scream at the top of her lungs and bang her head into the wall and slam chairs into walls, but that won’t make her mom not miss a visit.
And it hurts them so badly because they both love their moms.
It hurts me too. Because I love both of them. So when Bug cries about not getting to see her family and when Butterfly writes letters begging to be able to go home, well, it hurts.
And when their little hearts are breaking, it hurts me too.
But the answer is not sending these children away. That won’t stop Bug’s anger. That won’t fix this hurt. It might put a band-aid on it for a few years. But Bug needs to deal with this. I know this. I know what it is like to carry around poision inside of you for years.
It comes out. Eventually.
I’m not going to pretend that the anger and hurt can be fixed. Maybe it never can. I wish I could take it away. I wish I could fix it. I wish I could do anything so that these children didn’t have to carry around this pain.
I used to think that children who came to my house would be happy to be here. That love could fix everything. That the family we created would be more than enough to make up for the family they left behind.
I know better now. But somehow, I still have to believe that things will be OK. That Bug will grow up and be a survivor. After all, I did. I have banged my head into the wall many times. And I’m OK. I hope she will be too.
April 13th, 2007 at 5:57 pm
Dear Baggage,
I am so, so glad to hear that you’ve gotten to what seems to be a large source of Bug’s recent choices and behaviours.
Otherwise - even with all of your extremely appropriate proactive or responsive ’solutions’ in place, you still feel like there is too much ‘guesstimating’, and that a clue would be really helpful.
I want to tell you again how much respect I have for your approach to caring for these children, as well as your persistence in figuring out/finding out what you can do to best help them heal and thrive.
Good good job.
(Also: Baggage’s parents - please tell her (again, I’m sure) how proud you are of her.)
April 13th, 2007 at 6:13 pm
Right on the money! No matter what terrible things the birth parents have done, they are still the birth parents and the kids just love them to death… We have to work with that and understand it. Not try to cover it or move past it. Good Job, Mom!
The hardest part for me in this struggle is I think “What about me? Aren’t I a good enough mom for you? I’m here, I love you, I take care of you, etc why do you miss her so much when I’m right here.” I know it’s wrong to think that.. but I do anyway. Just being honest.
Angela
April 13th, 2007 at 6:13 pm
Oh Baggage! As a mom, you never want to see your children hurt. There is no pain greater than to watch your children suffer and not be able to fix it. Your children have suffered more pain, frustration, anguish, disappointment, etc in their short lives than most of us will in a lifetime. It may not look like “love can conquer all” right now but I think in the long run, the love and consistency you are showing your children will be what helps them survive! Just keep being the great mom you have already grown to be, and everything else will be OK.
Poor Bug. For her to figure out that not all moms are wonderful, kind, loving, gentle, protective, honest - what a lesson to learn at her age! My thoughts are with each of you.
April 13th, 2007 at 6:29 pm
Baggage,
I just wanted to say I’m glad you’ve found one of the driving reasons behind her anger. Hopefully that will help give you tools to help her through it.
I have a feeling that age may be a big factor, as well. When I confronted TJ (my 14 y.o. bio daughter who’s really only had to deal with having divorced parents, as far as drama goes) about why she was failing in school, she started talking about how she just gave up, and how none of it mattered anyway. Then she waxed philosophical about the meaning of life and how we’d all die anyway.
Yeesh, teenagers. I always said I’d never forget what it was like to be a teenager, and thought I’d have no problem relating to my children as teens. I was surely a legend in my own mind, because I’ll be darned if I can figure her out.
Anyway, I’m thinking of you and the kids, and hoping that you can all find some peaceful middle ground. Best wishes.
April 13th, 2007 at 7:27 pm
My mom pretty much hates me. I think if she could, she would erase me. She won’t admit to having a 23 year old daughter, much less a granddaughter and another on the way. seriously, when people meet me, they say “I didn’t know Tina had another daughter”
It kills me. I keep hoping that one of these days she will change, but she never does. And I just keep hoping even though I know better. I know better.
poor Bug.
April 13th, 2007 at 8:11 pm
What a tough reality for a little girl to have to deal with. I feel for Bug. I am sure she wants her bio mom- even if you are the bestest mom on earth- there is nothing like the blood that binds. I hope you have renewed strength knowing what you know about the cause of her anger. Hang in there- this fostering is just HARD!
April 13th, 2007 at 9:55 pm
You’re better than OK - loving and generous and funny and bright. I have high hopes for Bug. I think she’ll be spectacular after she learns to cope with the intensely painful feelings. I’m thinking about all of you.
April 13th, 2007 at 10:03 pm
Maybe you can’t ever take that pain and hurt and anger away but at least knowing why helps to make a huge difference in how you can deal with it, and how you can help Bug to deal with it.
It’s so sad becuase as much as we believe in the unconditional love of a parent to a child, I think it goes both ways. Children really do love their parens and even when their parents fail them, they still cling to that love. Even if they undestand on an intellectual level what went wrong, on many other levels they can’t let go.
April 13th, 2007 at 10:11 pm
You get it.
I get it.
I do and even getting I know it hurts them and me too.
I try really hard to be as open and verbal as I can about it all with them and with myself and I know that is good.
Still it hurts.
You’re right, it is going to come out anyway at some time and that is something I talk with my two youngest about a lot.
We also talk about how not letting out the anger and pain can lead to stuff like doing drugs and drinking too much because it hasn’t gone away and that is another way that people try and deal with it.
I’m glad you are figuring some of it out. It seems to make it easier for me when I figure out a piece.
April 13th, 2007 at 10:30 pm
Bug WILL grow upto be a survivor (by the souns of things, she is already one) - because she’s got you there to boost her up. However hard she hurts now, she will find ways in which to deal with it because you are there to teach her. I feel so sad for Bug, because this will probably always hurt her - because there are some things in life that just.suck. and there is nothing we can do about them. And it sucks for poor Bug. But she will survive this, and get stronger and stronger because she has at least one dedicated parent behind her.
April 13th, 2007 at 10:34 pm
my heart is breaking for you, bug, butterfly, bubba and snowbaby. it’s so hard to have to witness the hurt and not be able to do something about it. i hope better days come soon.
April 13th, 2007 at 10:40 pm
It amazes me how much your experience as a foster/adoptive Mom parallels the experience of a stepmom. Amazes me.
I wish there was an easy fix, but you already know there’s no such thing as that.
April 13th, 2007 at 10:58 pm
I understand Bug.
April 13th, 2007 at 11:12 pm
S’s spiral down started when she actually saw her bio mom. She had nurtured the fantasy for so long, and the toothless, 600lb, foul talking woman who showed up did not match. I think they all go looking eventually. Hopefully Bug will keep you in the loop when she does so you can be there to support her.
I learned a long time ago that I would have to find a way to share my kids with their first mothers. So, even though I harbor lots of anger for the ways they hurt them, and even though I may vent that on my blog, for the most part, we coexist peacefully.
April 14th, 2007 at 1:45 am
Oh, Baggage. I know how hard this is on all of you, I know how it makes your heart break and your stomach roll. It sucks. Sucks. Sucks. Sucks. I am so proud of you.
April 14th, 2007 at 2:27 am
I wish you lived nearby and Bug and Toots could get to know each other. They are both feeling that pain, and I wish they could help each other get through it.
Our girls are gonna make it, nonetheless.
April 14th, 2007 at 2:33 am
I just recently came across your blog and have found you to be such an inspiration! These children are so blessed to have you in their lives! Your patience and love for them is evident and for that they will one day be ever so grateful!
April 14th, 2007 at 3:27 am
It hurts so much to see someone you love in pain. ((hugs))
April 14th, 2007 at 4:34 am
This entry made me burst out in tears. You speak the truth, yes you do. hugs.
April 14th, 2007 at 4:02 pm
When my stepdad chose drugs instead of a loving family that loved him to death, my heart broke. At 11, I couldn’t understand why my love wasn’t enough for him. I didn’t even care about the drugs. I just wanted him around. I was so angry at my mom. It was all her fault! If SHE hadn’t whatever, he’d still be around. My poor mom got all my anger, my tears, my rage, because I knew deep down, she’d always be there, always love me, no matter my behavior. He on the other hand, got the angel, because maybe if I was good enough, he’d stay. My mom is amazing, and so are you. Bug knows she can with you, that she is safe to be her worst, because you will be there with her. That is the best love. Thank you for loving these kids the way you do.
April 14th, 2007 at 8:45 pm
I don’t know. Maybe I’m naive, but I do believe love can fix a lot of things. But it won’t fix them overnight. Bug will be okay, because she has you to help her. But I’m really sorry you’re both going through this all now. *hugs*
April 14th, 2007 at 10:12 pm
I think it is amazing that you have created a safe enough place for Bug to be able to let these feelings out.
April 15th, 2007 at 12:19 pm
This made my heart break for her. My guess is she’ll get through this and then, some time in the future, it will back up on her again.
It’s a totally different situation, but this reminds me of my nephew. My sister and BIL divorced when my nephew was three. My BIL was a good guy with a good heart, but we used to say he had the opposite of the Midas touch. Instead of everything turning to gold, everything turned to shit. Everything he tried to do just went south in a hurry and he would go down with it. Eventually he was dating a 19 year old, not paying his child support and paying for his teenage girlfriend to go to college. Plus, he never did anything with his son unless my sister arranged/forced it to happen.
When my nephew was 12, my BIL had a sudden, massive heart attack and died. Since then, my nephew started to develop this false memory of his dad. A memory where his dad was amazing, and strong, and close with him. He even started to talk about events that never happened as if they did.
Now my nephew is in college and he’s starting to see/remember the truth about his dad. And it hurts him. He can’t figure out some of the neglectful things his dad did. My sister is trying to help him find a balance. He needs to remember his dad honestly, but also remember the good in him and love him for that. He also needs to acknowledge the not-so-good and forgive it.
Long story — sorry. It just reminded me of what Bug’s going through. In the absence of the real thing, it’s easy to create a fantasy version of a parent. Facing the reality is hurtful.
April 15th, 2007 at 11:59 pm
It makes me wonder what all of these parents are thinking to treat their children that way. If for some reason my children got taken away, I would be jumping throug HOOPS to get them back! But I’ve known people in real life who’ve lost their children to DCFS and been like, “Well, I’m not going to do all this stuff to see my own children, I refuse.” or “I would visit my children but I just can’t get all the way to Elgin to see them.” They just seem to go about their business and leave their kids in limbo… its really mean.
April 16th, 2007 at 12:14 pm
I love your blog - it keeps me sane and makes our weird lives seem normal.
April 16th, 2007 at 10:55 pm
Well, Ania says I am supposed to tell baggage that I am proud of her, so I will. Baggage, I am proud of you.
But, you know, the truth is that I have been proud of her everyday of her life. I used to tell people that she came out of her mother holding a little suitcase and saying, “hello, my name is baggage, where is my room?” What is an not completely true, but it is not that far from the truth either.
She has been exceptional since she was a baby, in many ways. I have been able to see her in action in this current foster care situation and she has really got it together.
I am proud of her.
Baggage’s daddy.